Two weeks!!

I looked at the clock at work today around 10:30am.  I realized that in 2 weeks from that moment I would be at Faulkner Hospital, getting ready for surgery to start at noon.  Wow.  Only 2 weeks left.  I can't believe it. 

Work is hard to get through.  I can't focus at all.  My mind is still all over prepping for everything that's left for me to do.  I still have to go shopping for some new pj's, slippers and a few other things, plus we have a ton of stuff to do around the house.  I feel guilty for not having 100% to give at work, but really... this is a LIFE CHANGING surgery!  How am I actually supposed to be focused right now?  Could that even be really expected?  Seriously?

This whole thing hits me in weird ways.  I'll think I'm okay, then BAM, something just slaps me in the face, surprising me with the force of how hard it hits me.  It happened again last night.  I wasn't expecting it and ended up in tears. 

After I have surgery, even with reconstruction, I will no longer have any feeling in my chest.  In one book I was reading, she said her young daughter grabbed onto her chest.  She had no idea because she had absolutely no feeling at all. 

Last night, Jim and I were talking while we were in bed.  I always lay in his arms.  Last night I was on my back, Jim on his side next to me.  He had one arm under my head and the other wrapped over me, resting over my chest.  That's when it hit me, slapped me in the face.  I won't feel that anymore. 

After my surgery, I won't feel his arms wrapped around me when we fall asleep.  When we wake up in the morning, and I roll over on him to give him a kiss, I won't feel him up against my chest.  That's just sad. 

Those are the little things that just hit me hard and unexpectedly. 

I still get worried about him.  Jim is amazing.  He has been so supportive during this whole thing right from the start.  I really couldn't ask for anything else.  I'm just afraid it is too much.

I can't get away from this, from cancer.  This is my life now.  He can.  He could walk away.  But he doesn't want to.  He won't stop standing by my side.  I just don't want all of my stuff to be too much for him.  And it is going to be even harder soon.

I'm having surgery, I'll look different.  I'll be going through chemo, lose my hair, get crazy sick with it.  I'll be tired all the time, have no energy at all.  This is going to be for at least the first half of 2013!  Jim says he's fine, but I just don't want this all to be too much for him.

He still does his MMA classes and works out at home too.  I got him a grappling dummy and mats for Christmas so now he can do more training at home too.  I want him to have his outlets for him and for his stress.  I know he needs that. 

I'm glad I have friends helping out too.  After I'm home from surgery, I'll have friends coming over for 4 days so I'm not alone and he can go to work.  Then for chemo, he'll go with me for my first session, but friends are taking me for the other 7 treatments.  I just want to make sure he has a break and this isn't all on him and only him. 

Today I was online reading some on BreastCancer.org.  I was looking at different studies that have been released over the past few months as well as information on my surgery and for chemo.  I am SO grateful for where I live.  People come from all over to receive treatment where I am.  Not only from just this country, but from all over the world!  Dana Farber is one of the best places for cancer treatment. 

I'm just grateful for so many things right now.  I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do.  One of the studies I read was about having strong support systems in place and how it impacts treatments.  I have the best boyfriend who can make me laugh through my tears.  I have a huge extended family who have been amazing with cards, emails, text messages, facebook messages, showing so much support.  My friends are incredible, offering to help me with chemo, after surgery, plus with so many other things along the way.  Toss in Jim's family.  I can't even believe the support they are giving as well.  Its just touching. There is no other way to say it. 

Toss in where I'm treated at Dana Farber and all the resources they have.  I'm doing my best to take advantage of everything I can.  I can't have too much support and the more help I have, the easier things will be for me and for Jim. 

Even wig shopping.  I had fun with Tracie that night. And who knew that I would have a HUGE wig store so close to my house with really inexpensive prices for nice looking wigs. 

Next week it will be 2013.  I've always loved New Years with all of the possibilities right there, wide open.  I'm not sure how to approach this one.  Do I make a resolution?  How?  What?  To be healthy?  To get through surgery, reconstruction and chemo treatments with my sanity and without too much suffering for me or those around me?

It's scary to think about 2013 and what is ahead.  Not just surgery in 2 weeks, not just chemo, but when its done.  My life after cancer.  This will always be part of my life from now on, part of who I am. 

I still forget sometimes.  The shock of it is gone, but the gravity of it isn't always here.  I'll still just have it as more on my "to do" list, more things I'm trying to manage and goals I'm working towards.  Get through IVF treatments, get everything at the house ready, finish shopping for what I need, have help lined up, get a landline for work, get everything for work ready, have my short term disability set up.  All the things on my list, not about cancer. 

I'm not sure how the final 2 weeks will go as I continue prepping for everything.  I'm nervous about the haircut on Sunday, but I'm hoping the company with Faith and Pam will make it easier.