I didn't go to work today.  I've been exhausted since the weekend and I didn't have energy to stand up to get into the shower this morning.  I was basically on the sofa the entire day.  With the surgery coming up so quickly, I just can't get sick right now!  And I know I get sick when I'm run down.  So I called in. 

The American Cancer Society has a community page, similar to facebook but for people with cancer.  Lucky me, I can be part of that group.  But I have chatted with some great people and got some great advice that I know will help me. 

Someone on that site, Nancebeth, answered a question I had posted about what to expect after surgery.  She gave me SO much information!  It was great.  Plus a few other people too. 

Nancebeth also shared the link to her blog.  I started at the oldest from May and worked my way up.  This post from September clicked. 
http://nancebeth.blogspot.com/2012/09/10-things-we-want-you-to-know.html

So many hit home for me... so read away!!!

Please remember that I am not my diagnosis.  I'm not "Julie with breast cancer".  I'm JULIE.  When I hear that people I'm about to meet already know I have breast cancer or that the new people working in the office already heard before they were introduced to me, or that people I confide in at work pass the info along to everyone which is the exact reason I TOLD everyone at work so people wouldn't be doing that... it just pisses me off. 

I'm working, going to the doctors and consumed by all of this right now.  I love the texts and emails and cards.  I can't exercise right now.  I leave work and go home.  My boyfriend is going to the gym 3 nights a week.  I know that he NEEDS this for him, for his release and outlet.  And for his time. 

Those 3 nights a week?  Typically, I'm home.  Where I am right now, with the dog laying on my legs.  Sick of TV, bored.  The time with friends means so much to me.  It can be really hard for me to reach out.  I've always been so independent.  Asking for anything from anyone has never been something easy for me.  It has been wonderful when I do get together with friends and I appreciate so much when friends reach out and get me out.  Thank you! 

I'm still afraid, I'll always be afraid.  I'm reaching out to as many groups, resources and people that I can reach out to.  I don't want to be a burden to anyone.  It has been easier to reach out to support services than to people I know.  This is a lot of shit!  It sucks. 

Do I have tunnel vision?  Am I all consumed?  FUCK YES!  This is my LIFE!  Everything about my life has been flipped completely upside down.  Okay, lets see... in the past year:

1. Early stages of glaucoma, from the head of the glaucoma division at Mass Eye and Ear.
2. SI joint out again and trouble walking, saw chiro for it.
3. Major car accident, totaled my car, back with the chiro.
4. New loan for another car.
5. Wrist started blowing up again, 3 times over the summer.
6. Surgery on my wrist.
7. Find a lump and wait for weeks of tests.
8. Start moving in with my boyfriend.
9. I have cancer.
10. I'm BRCA-2 positive.
11. I'm having a bilateral mastectomy.
12. I need 16 weeks of chemo (for 8 treatments)
13. And then 5 years of another med.
14. Chemo will leave me infertile.
15. Start IVF for fertility preservation with daily injections for weeks.
16. All that to freeze ONE.
17.  Insurance denies approval to try again (wait a whole weekend for approval!)
18.  I am going to lose my hair.
19.  Relationships with people in my life have changed since cancer entered the picture.
20.  I have never been this overwhelmed in my life.

Yeah... I'd say I'm a little stressed out!  Yup, been a tough year.  VERY happy to see 2012 leave. 

The one thing that is a tough one with cancer... #19.  Relationships.  I love that it has brought me closer to some of the people in my life.  I have seen so much kindness from people.  That has meant so much to me!  People and places where it was not expected at all.  I appreciate it so much!

But then there is the other side of the coin.  People who don't look at me but at me.  People who can't make eye contact with me anymore.  Friendships that I thought were strong... cancer proved that wrong.  I've seen different sides of people when I didn't expect it. 

I know I'm not a great friend to people right now.  I know that!  I know that better than anyone.  Again, I'm consumed.  I have a disease that could kill me.  If I'm not completely focused on myself and taking care of me, I could die.  So yeah, I am a suck ass friend right now.  I'm self absorbed, emotional and sensitive. 

It is just really hard when I see and feel a shift.  When people who I thought I was close to can't or won't look at me.  When I hear a tone in someone's voice.  When people don't get it.  I'm a fucking mess half the time.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster for over 3 months, since I first felt the lump. 

If I have an attitude, if I'm short or snippy, or tired, or complaining or going on and on... I HAVE FUCKING CANCER!  DEAL WITH IT!  This is what my LIFE is now.  This is my new reality. 

I was never someone who had patience.  When people would tell me (OFTEN!) "Patience is a virtue", my answer was always, "One I do not posses."  Now?  I have NO patience.  I can't.  I don't care.  I don't have the energy or patience to deal with bs anymore.  Blame it on cancer, call it using the cancer card, call it whatever you want.  I am being selfish, thinking of myself and what is best for me.  I'm not putting up with anyone's bullshit anymore. 

I can't handle any extra stress in my life.  I can't handle drama or attitude or bullshit or petty crap.  I don't care.  Maybe when you hear the words "you have cancer", your perspective about things starts to shift a bit.  I was never one who had an issue speaking my mind.  Now I just hold back even less.  Again, absolutely no patience anymore.  I don't give a flying rats ass.  You don't like, that's okay. 

Obviously, my moods shift.  Even the tone of this whole thing from start to finish... not sure where all this anger ended up coming from, but I had it somewhere.  Guess I needed to get it out.  I'm just tired and drained.  The physically drained thing where your whole body aches and there is just not an ounce of energy left.  Right now I'm hot.  But I don't have the energy to move the blanket off of me or to reach up and shut off the heating pad that I have under my lower back right now.  Its that kind of exhausted.  For DAYS. 

Too much has been happening.  Too many things all at once.  Too much to handle.

I know its Christmas on Saturday.  I know so many people are crazy busy this time of year.  But I appreciate so much the people who do contact me... the texts (Judy, you are amazing!!), emails, facebook messages, snail mail cards (Jen, never knew someone as much of a card person as me!), comments on this blog and time out, especially connecting with friends one on one (Tracie, just thank you.).  So for everyone reaching out to me, thank you so much!  It just gets hard when I don't hear from others.  Like I said, I'm home after work and that's it.  It gets hard. 

And now time for the Voice to announce the winner of the season.. well, within the next 15 minutes anyway!