I can't believe it has been almost 2 weeks since I posted last. Been busy!
The whole week after the hearing, I was SO busy. I was online, messaging people, getting the Facebook page going, and trying to get more and more support from everyone for House Bill 1050. I really think it is just so important.
Somehow it has all moved along. I've now been put in charge of the Facebook page. And that's not a problem for me. But I just have to make sure I stay on top of it to keep the reach going. Plus, I got my list of things I'm supposed to work on as well for the next few weeks.
I did pretty well for the few days after the hearing, energy-wise anyway. But by the weekend, I CRASHED! I drove up to my parents house last Saturday to drop something off and ended up taking a 2 hour nap while I was there! Crazy.
This whole week has been more of that. Not sure what is going on. I've been sleeping in, napping, and getting full nights of sleep each night. Tuesday night I got 8 hours of sleep and was up with Jim when he got up around 6:30am. I was back to sleep by 8am and slept until 1pm! Yeah, I was supposed to go into Boston for a meeting with the team that day. Didn't happen. I was out of it all afternoon too.
Thursday I slept in as well. My friend Jennifer (LOVE YOU!) came down as my chauffeur for the day. Nice little 90 minute drive each way to take me to one appointment! I'm lucky for her friendship. She's amazing. :)
BUT... Thursday wasn't easy. Jennifer took the ride for me while I had another test done. Another biopsy. This one is for cervical cancer. Joy.
The gynecologic oncologist wants to make sure she has everything done and ready for my surgery on Columbus Day. Although when she started the test, she didn't see any abnormal cells, she decided to do a biopsy anyway. If anything come back, she can do it all while I'm in surgery and already under anesthesia. Luckily, the biopsy wasn't as bad as I had expected. It wasn't as deep as they typically are (since she didn't see anything), so it wasn't as much tissue taken. I was still uncomfortable all night and into Friday, but not like it would have been for a typical biopsy.
After the biopsy, she went over everything for the surgery on Columbus Day... 16 days. WOW. Scary. And yes, I am scared. Another freakin surgery. General anesthesia. She said the incision will be in my belly button, but she will have 2 smaller incisions on one side and that is where the camera will be. The 2 smaller ones are 5mm, and the belly button one is 11mm. Okay, I can do this.
I'm doing my best to not freak out. I want to stay positive and not automatically go to the 5% chance that she'll find cancer when she does this surgery. In the case that she does, she'll need to do more biopsies in surrounding tissue as well as testing the lymph nodes. And whatever else could have cancer, she'll take that too.
IF there is cancer, IF it is aggressive (grade 3), even if it is didn't spread to anything (including not spread to lymph nodes), I would need chemo again. That is the one thing that keeps going over and over in my mind... just as my hair looks like I did this on purpose, just as I'm starting to feel a teeny tiny bit better about myself, I could need to start chemo again. Wonderful!
Not going there in my mind is not easy. I'm trying, but it isn't easy. Keeping busy has helped, plus its in a different month. Even though it is 2 weeks from Monday, my calendar is still on September, so nothing in October is high on my list. Not sure what I'll do next week on Tuesday when it flips, but I'll deal with that then.
What else?
Mostly same old same old. Mostly fatigue, where I'm sleeping 12 hours a day. Still have neuropathy too. Hoping that gets better soon.
Jim is amazing. He's been making a huge noticeable effort and has been a huge comfort to me as I stressed about this recent biopsy, waiting on the results and then the upcoming surgery. I really could not have gotten through all of this if I didn't have him in my life. I'm lucky for that.
So now moving on and moving ahead. Hoping for less fatigue. Hoping for less neuropathy. Hoping to have energy to exercise, to work out and to hopefully start to lose weight too!
Feeling like I have a purpose to put into the density bill has been really helpful. I've done well with that, when I have the energy to put into it.
I've come a very long way in the past few weeks, as far as my self esteem. I'm doing so much better than I was just one month ago. I'm positive that I can keep that going, especially as I get more energy and try to exercise more too.
Friends... I'm still just so lucky. I have great people. A HUGE thank you to all of you who have helped me so much. Now I'm just trying to pay it forward somehow.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Up on Beacon Hill
Today was a long day. It was hearing day. I am completely and utterly exhausted right now from the commute in and out of Boston, so this is going to have to be short and mostly pasting.
Here is a picture of the group who is behind the bill.
This is what I posted on Facebook tonight, which includes my personal story.
I NEED YOUR HELP!!!
Even though this is long, please read my VERY personal information on how you can make a difference and literally help save lives. All women, your mothers, daughter, sisters, cousins, aunts, friends…. we all need your help.
Today I testified at the State House in front of the Health Care & Finance Committee for a hearing on a breast density bill. Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had never heard of dense breast tissue & I was unaware of my risks. I don’t want any other woman to go through what I went through.
I thought I was doing everything right. But I didn’t know to ask about my breast density and it isn’t standard practice of care for radiologists to share that with women. So they don’t pass along this vital and life altering information.
House bill 1050 was drafted by Ellen Kelliher and her colleagues. Her husband Damian Musello testified today to give Ellen’s story. She had her annual mammograms and all were clear. She got her “happy-grams” after each. Ellen died on July 1st of this year from breast cancer at the age of 58. Damian testified today because Ellen is not here to share her story herself.
I am including the testimony I gave today, my story. No tears fell while I testified but I had to pause several times when I became choked up. It can still be hard to say, “I have breast cancer”, even now, close to 1 year from when I first found the lump.
PLEASE contact your state representatives and senators and URGE them to support House Bill 1050. Representative Denise Provost sponsored this bill. Please direct your representatives and senators to her office for any questions they may have.
Representative Provost’s aide, Pooja Phaltankar, advised that PERSONAL stories make the biggest impact. PLEASE use your own story or that of someone you love, or even my story. Tell your representatives and senators that this is what, you, your loved one or even me, YOUR FRIEND JULIE, went through and it isn’t right. The radiologists who are the experts with reading the mammogram should share the risks they are very aware of with the women who are trusting their LIVES to this one test.
We trust that by having a clear mammogram, we do not have cancer. That is NOT true. A clear mammogram only tells you that no cancer was seen on the mammogram. It doesn’t tell you what is NOT seen.
SO here is my personal story. Please share as little or as much as you would like with your representatives.
To find your representative or senator, please click on this link:
https://malegislature.gov/People
Thank you. On behalf of me, on behalf of the other women pushing for this bill, on behalf of Damion and Ellen, and on behalf of all the women this will impact. Thank you.
(testimony given on 9/17/13)
My name is Julie Orsillo and I am here to speak in support of House Bill 1050.
Many people do not remember the exact date Hurricane Sandy hit the northeast last year. I do. That is a day I will never be able to forget. That day, October 29th 2012, was the day I was told I had breast cancer.
At 35 years old, in May of 2011, I was sent for a baseline mammogram and ultrasound on my left breast after my gynecologist thought she felt something. My left side was fine, but the mammogram found micro-calcifications on my right. No ultrasound was done on my right breast, but due to the calcifications, they wanted to watch me for 2 years, with mammograms every 6 months to monitor me for any changes in the size or quantity of the calcifications. My next two mammograms, in December of 2011 and June of 2012 were both clear as well.
I didn't know anything about dense tissue. I was never advised anything regarding dense tissue, or risk factors. I was told that micro-calcifications could be normal.
Last Columbus Day weekend, while lying in bed, I found a lump in my right breast. That week I saw my gynecologist who sent me for another mammogram and ultrasound. That mammogram was clear, but the ultrasound was questionable. That was on October 19th; 10 days before Hurricane Sandy.
After my diagnosis, when I saw my gynecologist she kept asking, "What did I miss?" She was telling me that I had done everything right. I never missed an annual. I never missed the 6 month mammograms. I was a healthy BMI.
SHE didn't miss anything; the mammogram did.
A week after my diagnosis, I had a breast MRI. That showed additional areas as questionable.
I decided upon a bilateral mastectomy. During my surgery on January 10th of this year, it was discovered that I had 3 tumors in total and one lymph node also tested positive for cancer. Due to that, all lymph nodes were taken from that area.
I was lucky that I found the lump when I did. I had stage 2b breast cancer and grade 3- which is most aggressive. The largest of the 3 tumors was 2.5cm. Had I not found it when I did, it would have continued to grow and to spread. No signs of cancer appeared on my mammogram 10 days before my diagnosis on October 29th. My next mammogram was already scheduled for early December, less than 2 months later. It is fair to assume that cancer would not have shown up on that either. That would have allowed the cancer to continue to grow and spread for another 6 months, until I would have had another mammogram, in June of 2013.
I wish I had known I had dense breast tissue, that dense breast tissue is a risk factor for breast cancer, and that other diagnostic imaging available was 16 months prior to me finding a lump on my own when I had my baseline mammogram.
After my bilateral mastectomy in January, I have had 8 rounds of chemotherapy and 28 radiation treatments. My last day of work was on January 9th and I have been out of work on disability since. I have been dealing with neuropathy in my hands and feet as a result of chemotherapy and dealing with that has been so difficult. I have trouble walking in the morning. The weakness in my feet makes stairs difficult throughout the day and near impossible by evenings. I have had some lymphedema symptoms and swelling due to the lymph nodes being removed, which is why I need to wear a sleeve and gauntlet. If the cancer had been found earlier, it would not have spread to my lymph nodes.
This hair style isn’t a choice, it is courtesy of chemotherapy. This time last year, I had waist long, straight blonde hair that I loved. It was part of my identity. I needed to cut that off before chemotherapy started. I would not have been able to emotionally handle seeing it fall out piece by piece.
I ran the Boston Marathon in 2011. I was a running coach and taught fitness classes. I worked out 6 days a week between running, kickboxing, swimming, weight lifting and yoga.
Now I have two scars across my chest where my nipples used to be. I have lost full range of motion in my right shoulder. My hair is gone. I have gained 25 pounds with the steroids and other drugs during chemotherapy in addition to no longer having the energy to work out.
I don’t have children and with chemotherapy, I am infertile. If I ever choose to have a child, my only hope rests in 7 embryos currently frozen, which costs me close to $100 each month since insurance only covered 3 months of freezing.
If I had been aware of density issues and risks when I had my first baseline mammogram in June of 2011, 16 months prior to my diagnosis, I could have had a different surgery. I would not have had lymph nodes test positive for cancer. I may not have needed chemotherapy, or radiation. My medical insurance company would have been billed substantially less than the over $300,000 they were billed, for costs associated with my care and treatment since January 1st of this year alone.
I urge you to support House Bill 1050. This is essential for the health of women in this commonwealth. Allow women to receive information we need to make decisions for our health.
Here is a picture of the group who is behind the bill.
This is what I posted on Facebook tonight, which includes my personal story.
I NEED YOUR HELP!!!
Even though this is long, please read my VERY personal information on how you can make a difference and literally help save lives. All women, your mothers, daughter, sisters, cousins, aunts, friends…. we all need your help.
Today I testified at the State House in front of the Health Care & Finance Committee for a hearing on a breast density bill. Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had never heard of dense breast tissue & I was unaware of my risks. I don’t want any other woman to go through what I went through.
I thought I was doing everything right. But I didn’t know to ask about my breast density and it isn’t standard practice of care for radiologists to share that with women. So they don’t pass along this vital and life altering information.
House bill 1050 was drafted by Ellen Kelliher and her colleagues. Her husband Damian Musello testified today to give Ellen’s story. She had her annual mammograms and all were clear. She got her “happy-grams” after each. Ellen died on July 1st of this year from breast cancer at the age of 58. Damian testified today because Ellen is not here to share her story herself.
I am including the testimony I gave today, my story. No tears fell while I testified but I had to pause several times when I became choked up. It can still be hard to say, “I have breast cancer”, even now, close to 1 year from when I first found the lump.
PLEASE contact your state representatives and senators and URGE them to support House Bill 1050. Representative Denise Provost sponsored this bill. Please direct your representatives and senators to her office for any questions they may have.
Representative Provost’s aide, Pooja Phaltankar, advised that PERSONAL stories make the biggest impact. PLEASE use your own story or that of someone you love, or even my story. Tell your representatives and senators that this is what, you, your loved one or even me, YOUR FRIEND JULIE, went through and it isn’t right. The radiologists who are the experts with reading the mammogram should share the risks they are very aware of with the women who are trusting their LIVES to this one test.
We trust that by having a clear mammogram, we do not have cancer. That is NOT true. A clear mammogram only tells you that no cancer was seen on the mammogram. It doesn’t tell you what is NOT seen.
SO here is my personal story. Please share as little or as much as you would like with your representatives.
To find your representative or senator, please click on this link:
https://malegislature.gov/People
Thank you. On behalf of me, on behalf of the other women pushing for this bill, on behalf of Damion and Ellen, and on behalf of all the women this will impact. Thank you.
(testimony given on 9/17/13)
My name is Julie Orsillo and I am here to speak in support of House Bill 1050.
Many people do not remember the exact date Hurricane Sandy hit the northeast last year. I do. That is a day I will never be able to forget. That day, October 29th 2012, was the day I was told I had breast cancer.
At 35 years old, in May of 2011, I was sent for a baseline mammogram and ultrasound on my left breast after my gynecologist thought she felt something. My left side was fine, but the mammogram found micro-calcifications on my right. No ultrasound was done on my right breast, but due to the calcifications, they wanted to watch me for 2 years, with mammograms every 6 months to monitor me for any changes in the size or quantity of the calcifications. My next two mammograms, in December of 2011 and June of 2012 were both clear as well.
I didn't know anything about dense tissue. I was never advised anything regarding dense tissue, or risk factors. I was told that micro-calcifications could be normal.
Last Columbus Day weekend, while lying in bed, I found a lump in my right breast. That week I saw my gynecologist who sent me for another mammogram and ultrasound. That mammogram was clear, but the ultrasound was questionable. That was on October 19th; 10 days before Hurricane Sandy.
After my diagnosis, when I saw my gynecologist she kept asking, "What did I miss?" She was telling me that I had done everything right. I never missed an annual. I never missed the 6 month mammograms. I was a healthy BMI.
SHE didn't miss anything; the mammogram did.
A week after my diagnosis, I had a breast MRI. That showed additional areas as questionable.
I decided upon a bilateral mastectomy. During my surgery on January 10th of this year, it was discovered that I had 3 tumors in total and one lymph node also tested positive for cancer. Due to that, all lymph nodes were taken from that area.
I was lucky that I found the lump when I did. I had stage 2b breast cancer and grade 3- which is most aggressive. The largest of the 3 tumors was 2.5cm. Had I not found it when I did, it would have continued to grow and to spread. No signs of cancer appeared on my mammogram 10 days before my diagnosis on October 29th. My next mammogram was already scheduled for early December, less than 2 months later. It is fair to assume that cancer would not have shown up on that either. That would have allowed the cancer to continue to grow and spread for another 6 months, until I would have had another mammogram, in June of 2013.
I wish I had known I had dense breast tissue, that dense breast tissue is a risk factor for breast cancer, and that other diagnostic imaging available was 16 months prior to me finding a lump on my own when I had my baseline mammogram.
After my bilateral mastectomy in January, I have had 8 rounds of chemotherapy and 28 radiation treatments. My last day of work was on January 9th and I have been out of work on disability since. I have been dealing with neuropathy in my hands and feet as a result of chemotherapy and dealing with that has been so difficult. I have trouble walking in the morning. The weakness in my feet makes stairs difficult throughout the day and near impossible by evenings. I have had some lymphedema symptoms and swelling due to the lymph nodes being removed, which is why I need to wear a sleeve and gauntlet. If the cancer had been found earlier, it would not have spread to my lymph nodes.
This hair style isn’t a choice, it is courtesy of chemotherapy. This time last year, I had waist long, straight blonde hair that I loved. It was part of my identity. I needed to cut that off before chemotherapy started. I would not have been able to emotionally handle seeing it fall out piece by piece.
I ran the Boston Marathon in 2011. I was a running coach and taught fitness classes. I worked out 6 days a week between running, kickboxing, swimming, weight lifting and yoga.
Now I have two scars across my chest where my nipples used to be. I have lost full range of motion in my right shoulder. My hair is gone. I have gained 25 pounds with the steroids and other drugs during chemotherapy in addition to no longer having the energy to work out.
I don’t have children and with chemotherapy, I am infertile. If I ever choose to have a child, my only hope rests in 7 embryos currently frozen, which costs me close to $100 each month since insurance only covered 3 months of freezing.
If I had been aware of density issues and risks when I had my first baseline mammogram in June of 2011, 16 months prior to my diagnosis, I could have had a different surgery. I would not have had lymph nodes test positive for cancer. I may not have needed chemotherapy, or radiation. My medical insurance company would have been billed substantially less than the over $300,000 they were billed, for costs associated with my care and treatment since January 1st of this year alone.
I urge you to support House Bill 1050. This is essential for the health of women in this commonwealth. Allow women to receive information we need to make decisions for our health.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Dense & more
I feel like a kid the night before the first day of school. I'm nervous! But I'm wired too. My dress is hung up, jewelry out, purse cleaned out and organized- including a notebook, pens, and Lara Bars. But I'm nervous.
Tomorrow I am testifying at a hearing in front of the Health Care & Finance Committee at the State House for a bill on breast density notification. I am giving my story, about my experience. I had 4 mammograms in 16 months which were all clear, including one 10 days before my diagnosis.
I have dense breast tissue, which shows up white on a mammogram. So does cancer. No one told me that dense tissue was a high risk. No one told me that it could mask cancer. No one told me I could have a clear mammogram and still have breast cancer. No one told me that there were other diagnostic imaging tests which would have been better able to detect cancer.
This bill is to educate women and provide them with information necessary to make informed decisions regarding their health. Its about breast density.
I'm nervous about testifying. I typed it out, read it at least 10 times, and continued to work on it. My testimony is supposed to be 3 minutes long. HA HA HA! I read it tonight for the shortest version and that was 4 1/2 minutes. Granted, reading it in my living room to the dog, sitting on the sofa in yoga pants, and reading it at the state house, at a committee hearing. I know I talk fast to begin with, but when I'm nervous it is SO much worse. My problem will be slowing it down enough to be understood!
Other than that?
The birthday week was fun. After my birthday dinner with Jim, I had dinner with my mom and the girls in her family on Tuesday... including 2 aunts and 2 cousins. Thursday night I had dinner with my friend Jen.
Friday I was exhausted after a physical with my PCP but I did make a stop at my office to say hi. I got the flu shot and I guess I was due for my tetanus shot which now has whooping cough added to it. It could have been the busy week or the 2 shots, I don't know which, but I was exhausted when I got home.
I think I was home Friday around 2:45. I know I was asleep by 3:30. Jim woke me up when he got home from work at 5 and again at 6 to see if I wanted to get dinner. He went out without me and I was back to sleep until he got home just before 8pm. And that night? I STILL slept another 9 hours! After a 4+ hour nap!
On Saturday we took Rocco to a dog park and he had a blast playing at the beach. Of course it was MUD at the water's edge, so he needed a bath as soon as we got home. He hates baths! But he is so clean now.
Sunday I was out with Jen again and we went to a tour of a chocolate factory. That was a BLAST. But again, I got home and slept for a while.
And up to today... I had a bone density test. And another nap this afternoon. But I did get my testimony done and ready tonight too.
Things with Jim and me seem to be going okay as of right now. But he can only take so much, and I'm a raging crazy bitch on Tamoxifen. INSANE! Who do you know who cries hysterically because she is crying?? ME!
Last night I walked downstairs to feed the cats. I forgot to put on a light until I got to the bottom of the stairs. Well, my feet are in so much pain at the end of the day and stairs suck. I started crying because I forgot the light and it hurt too much to go back up the stairs to turn on the light. Then I was crying more because I was crying. It just sucks.
I think am crying pretty much every single day at this point, and guess what? That is NORMAL! URGH! Normal? To cry over nothing?? Yup. Wonderful fucking Tamoxifen.
Tonight I was flipping out when I tried to have a protein shake. My hands hurt trying to shake the shaker while I was holding down the cover, but the cover wouldn't stay closed without being held. I started yelling and screaming about it. And then Jim took the shaker for me and did it.
Its something every single day. And it sucks.
Sometimes its hard when I think about my life a year ago. And that has been hitting me a bit more lately too. It was Columbus Day weekend when I found the lump. That anniversary is fast approaching.
It hit more tonight when I was writing up my testimony as well. I'm not who I was a year ago. She's gone. I'm no longer that same person. I can't go back and I can't be that person again. The innocence of not having cancer is gone. I'll never be that person again.
I'm a new me and working on the wonderful phrase, "a new normal", whatever the fuck that is. But its my life. And I'm still trying to figure it all out, who I am, what I want and where I'm going.
I miss things from my old life. I miss friends from my old life who seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. I still feel left out of things. Facebook can be hard when I see friends I had all together without me, especially from the people I don't hear from anymore, who tell me that they are busy with this or that. But not with other friends I guess... just with me.
It is hard to move on from that, from the hurt and disappointment in people. I've done my best to let go of the anger I had. I've even tried to reach out to a few people or respond to others. It sucks when I hear crickets back. Disappointing.
When others are SO encouraging and supportive, its almost like a slap in the face when the people I considered good friends have just disappeared. I try to remember that how people act is about them, who they are and what they are going through in their lives. It isn't about me. Its about them. But that doesn't make the hurt any easier to handle. Toss in mood swings and outburst and fucking Tamoxifen.... oh yeah, its a FUN fucking ride.
Well, now that its after 11pm and I have to get up early to be out the door around 7:30am... time for me to go to bed! Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well!!
Tomorrow I am testifying at a hearing in front of the Health Care & Finance Committee at the State House for a bill on breast density notification. I am giving my story, about my experience. I had 4 mammograms in 16 months which were all clear, including one 10 days before my diagnosis.
I have dense breast tissue, which shows up white on a mammogram. So does cancer. No one told me that dense tissue was a high risk. No one told me that it could mask cancer. No one told me I could have a clear mammogram and still have breast cancer. No one told me that there were other diagnostic imaging tests which would have been better able to detect cancer.
This bill is to educate women and provide them with information necessary to make informed decisions regarding their health. Its about breast density.
I'm nervous about testifying. I typed it out, read it at least 10 times, and continued to work on it. My testimony is supposed to be 3 minutes long. HA HA HA! I read it tonight for the shortest version and that was 4 1/2 minutes. Granted, reading it in my living room to the dog, sitting on the sofa in yoga pants, and reading it at the state house, at a committee hearing. I know I talk fast to begin with, but when I'm nervous it is SO much worse. My problem will be slowing it down enough to be understood!
Other than that?
The birthday week was fun. After my birthday dinner with Jim, I had dinner with my mom and the girls in her family on Tuesday... including 2 aunts and 2 cousins. Thursday night I had dinner with my friend Jen.
Friday I was exhausted after a physical with my PCP but I did make a stop at my office to say hi. I got the flu shot and I guess I was due for my tetanus shot which now has whooping cough added to it. It could have been the busy week or the 2 shots, I don't know which, but I was exhausted when I got home.
I think I was home Friday around 2:45. I know I was asleep by 3:30. Jim woke me up when he got home from work at 5 and again at 6 to see if I wanted to get dinner. He went out without me and I was back to sleep until he got home just before 8pm. And that night? I STILL slept another 9 hours! After a 4+ hour nap!
On Saturday we took Rocco to a dog park and he had a blast playing at the beach. Of course it was MUD at the water's edge, so he needed a bath as soon as we got home. He hates baths! But he is so clean now.
Sunday I was out with Jen again and we went to a tour of a chocolate factory. That was a BLAST. But again, I got home and slept for a while.
And up to today... I had a bone density test. And another nap this afternoon. But I did get my testimony done and ready tonight too.
Things with Jim and me seem to be going okay as of right now. But he can only take so much, and I'm a raging crazy bitch on Tamoxifen. INSANE! Who do you know who cries hysterically because she is crying?? ME!
Last night I walked downstairs to feed the cats. I forgot to put on a light until I got to the bottom of the stairs. Well, my feet are in so much pain at the end of the day and stairs suck. I started crying because I forgot the light and it hurt too much to go back up the stairs to turn on the light. Then I was crying more because I was crying. It just sucks.
I think am crying pretty much every single day at this point, and guess what? That is NORMAL! URGH! Normal? To cry over nothing?? Yup. Wonderful fucking Tamoxifen.
Tonight I was flipping out when I tried to have a protein shake. My hands hurt trying to shake the shaker while I was holding down the cover, but the cover wouldn't stay closed without being held. I started yelling and screaming about it. And then Jim took the shaker for me and did it.
Its something every single day. And it sucks.
Sometimes its hard when I think about my life a year ago. And that has been hitting me a bit more lately too. It was Columbus Day weekend when I found the lump. That anniversary is fast approaching.
It hit more tonight when I was writing up my testimony as well. I'm not who I was a year ago. She's gone. I'm no longer that same person. I can't go back and I can't be that person again. The innocence of not having cancer is gone. I'll never be that person again.
I'm a new me and working on the wonderful phrase, "a new normal", whatever the fuck that is. But its my life. And I'm still trying to figure it all out, who I am, what I want and where I'm going.
I miss things from my old life. I miss friends from my old life who seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. I still feel left out of things. Facebook can be hard when I see friends I had all together without me, especially from the people I don't hear from anymore, who tell me that they are busy with this or that. But not with other friends I guess... just with me.
It is hard to move on from that, from the hurt and disappointment in people. I've done my best to let go of the anger I had. I've even tried to reach out to a few people or respond to others. It sucks when I hear crickets back. Disappointing.
When others are SO encouraging and supportive, its almost like a slap in the face when the people I considered good friends have just disappeared. I try to remember that how people act is about them, who they are and what they are going through in their lives. It isn't about me. Its about them. But that doesn't make the hurt any easier to handle. Toss in mood swings and outburst and fucking Tamoxifen.... oh yeah, its a FUN fucking ride.
Well, now that its after 11pm and I have to get up early to be out the door around 7:30am... time for me to go to bed! Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well!!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
New Beginnings
I wasn't really planning to write this morning, because I don't know how much time I have and my thoughts are still too random. But here goes!
Yesterday was my birthday. My 39th birthday. I have never been this happy to be another year older! 38 sucked and there is really no other way to say it. I had surgery on my wrist on September 27th last year. A week and a half later I found the lump and on October 29th I got the call. Year from hell.
But now, 38 is DONE! I closed the door on it and have moved on to 39. YAY!
Last night I did a journaling exercise I did years ago with a now retired life coach I worked with. Joan used this for New Year's but my birthday is the start of a new year for me. Plus, with my birthday being the same time of year that school starts up, it is full of newness for me. Here is the link to Joan's coaching page if anyone has interest in what I used to journal. http://www.joancollinscoach.com/cb1206.html
Since I started doing this MANY years ago, I have been naming my year. It gives the year a theme and intention. I don't think (or don't remember anyway) I did this for 2013. It was right before my surgery. I could have. I might have even written here about it! Gotta love chemo brain!
For my 39th birthday, I named my 39th year. This is the year of new beginnings. I'm cancer free and and done with active treatment. This is the start of a healthier life for me. Jim and I have had many issues, but we have decided to work on things and to give it another chance, all in for both of us. We are having a new beginning in our relationship as well.
I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, but I am looking into going back to school part time and finishing up my degree (depending on financial aide and all of the costs associated with it) and moving into the health and human services field. It is important for me to give back and help other women who are or will be where I was. I want to pass along when I have learned.
Within that, I want to use what I know as a fitness instructor, become a certified personal trainer, and also start other trainings. I want to become a certified yoga instructor, take nutrition classes and become a life coach as well. I think with the combination of all of that I will have so many tools available for a whole health perspective, along with my own personal experiences.
This past year I lost a lot. Not only my breasts with the bilateral mastectomy or my hair with chemo, but my self esteem and confidence as well. I lost my sense of adventure. I lost my fearlessness. I also lost a few friendships in the past year and others which were close, are no longer that close.
But, as I have heard so many others say, there are so many good things that somehow come along with a cancer diagnosis. And I would like to go through so many of those now.
1. I never knew how selfless and giving people could be. I have been unbelievable touched by the outpouring of support I have received from so many people over the past year. The entire island in our kitchen was covered with cards and flowers I have received. One of the flower arrangements I received came in a white basket. I put all the cards in that one basket but I can barely fit anymore in there now. They all mean so much to me and helped me get through SO much. Thank you all for that.
2. My friend Carol in Brazil. We "met" online on WhatNext, which is basically Facebook for cancer. An online social media site for people with cancer or caregivers. We both joined around the same time, shortly after were were diagnosed last fall. I had 2 rounds of IVF, then surgery in early January, followed by chemo and radiation. Carol started chemo before Christmas last year. She had a few months of that, then surgery, then more chemo, then radiation.
We just GOT what the other was going through. She understood my fears. She knew how hard it was to lose my hair. She knew the struggles with relationships, with depression, anxiety, fatigue. She just understood because she was going through it all as well.
Carol prepped me for my start of chemo and gave me so many tips and helpful hints. I passed along information to her about surgery and let her know things she could do to help. We sent each other care packages, Boston to Brazil.
Carol gave me strength and courage to forge on when I didn't have any of my own. We have never met in person, but she is an amazing friend who I will cherish forever. I cannot wait to meet her in person and we are already working on planning that within the next year. Meeting her is on my list of 40 things to do before I'm 40!
3. Reconnecting and re-establishing old friendships. Without my cancer diagnosis, I don't know if we would have reached out to each other to reconnect as we have, so for that, I am so grateful. The cards, texts, messages, visits, words or support and encouragement... it has all meant so much to me. To not have really spoke, other than a few Facebook messages here and there, in pretty much 7-10 years, these friends from my past have been so unbelievably amazing with the love and support they have provided me with. I treasure the moments and our friendships. Please know how much you and our friendships mean to me.
4. Meeting so many new people.
Everyone at Dana Farber would never have been in my life if it wasn't for breast cancer. They are wonderful people and I love the joy and happiness that they all bring. I have had so many laughs with the wonderful people I have come into contact with.
I won the Boudoir Photo Shoot in January pretty much because of my story. I met Lauren, the photographer, Stephanie the hair stylist, MaryJo the makeup artist and Tricia the stylist. I've happened to bump into MaryJo and Stephanie a few times and Lauren has been so kind to have done 2 additional photo sessions with me. Those photos showed me strength I didn't realize I had. The Boudoir Party was a wonderful night with great friends, days before my surgery.
Strangers in public. I have been out bald for months. It is amazing the conversations that can start! I've met so many other club members.... the cancer club or chemo club or breast cancer club. We all know the look and see something of ourselves in each other. We share tips and advice and pass along information or organizations that we found helpful ourselves. We support each other in a way that non-club members just can't.
5. I had purple hair! I never would have had the courage to have purple hair before! So after cutting it short and not loving the loss of my long hair, I dyed it purple. And LOVED it. I rocked the purple hair! So much so, that I'm actually considering going purple again. Who knows? Why not! It was so much fun. I loved it.
6. Friendships I had were strengthened. Some friends I've had for many many years, and other newer friendships, were strengthened this year. So many provided me with so much support and encouragement and conversation and distractions. I loved the breakfasts, lunches, sitting on the sofa with me and Rocco, getting out and doing something different (like a bike ride, brunch in Cambridge, Tomato Bash), going for walks, text message or email check ins, chemo visits, company at home, cards... ALL of it. WOW!
There are too many people who fall into this category to mention all of you, but I have to mention a few specifically.
My Boudoir Party girls.... each of you have been so wonderful to me this entire year. You have all had so much going on in your own lives.
Tracie, getting engaged, selling your condo & getting married (yes, all that in 2013!) plus other personal things, it was a busy year for you. You made so much time for me and even though you may really have visited just to see Rocco, your visits always made such a difference to me. Grabbing lunch, heading out somewhere like the beach or just hanging on the sofa and catching up, they were all so great. Thank you.
Christine... working INSANE hours, going to school at night, volunteering, then finding replacement roommates and moving! WOW! But every other Tuesday you popped by for a chemo visit with your little happy smiling face. Love you my bucket list friend! Thanks for SUP lesson, the Tomato Bash and the trampolines at SkyZone. I'm willing to try that indoor rock climbing place, surfing, or trying snowboarding again this winter (but the only other time I tried in 2008, I broke my wrist!) and I still want to do outdoor ice skating, so Frog Pond? I love your sense of adventure and confidence. Thank you for your friendship and joy.
Jennifer, in between a vacation, work trips, your engagement, working on your new house, and changing jobs, you were amazing to me! Specifically picking my last chemo treatment to be my chemo buddy so you could celebrate with me. I loved that! ALL of the cards that you sent me mean so much. And wow, did you do TOO much. The breakfast box, and OMG those brownies!! Hmm... I might need to order some for me now! :) The visits you have made, the emails, Paint Nite, SUP, yoga... just to name a few things! Thank you!
I know how lucky I am to have the 3 of you as friends in my life and you mean SO much to me.
Michelle, my friend who tries so hard to get me on the phone when I'm not really a phone person! I'm sorry we have hard a harder time connecting but thank you for not giving up on me. You have done so much for me! You were hear right after surgery (ready to kick the visiting nurse's ASS for having me in tears!). You took me the day after my first chemo for my first shot. You walked in your sneakers in the snow with me, so I could get outside and get a tiny bit of exercise, even though you wanted me tied down so I could rest. I love you. I know you have had a lot on your plate lately and I am sorry I haven't been as good a friend to you as you have been to me. I love you!
Melanie.... love you honey. Please never ever think you haven't done enough. OMG you have done too much. With 2 girls in elementary school, a son who just started college, moving, working full-time, a dog and don't forget your husband! You have SO much. I love the visits and having you and Aly coming down to see me and Rocco (I know it isn't all about me!) when you could. You have done way too much with gifts. It isn't necessary. I love you and our friendship for (WOW!) over 20 years. You are an amazing person and you give way too much of yourself. I love you!
Jennifer, thank you. Another one with a husband, dog, young daughter and who moved! Talk about a busy life! But you always made time. I loved every one of the cards you sent, especially the pickle birthday card in March. You have no idea how many people I have told about that card! You have been so kind to me and your friendship means more to me than I can express. The advice you have given me, all the times you have listened to me vent and you compassionately responded, even if you didn't agree with me. You are one of the blessings that cancer has brought back into my life.
Melissa, another blessing from the past. Thank you. I can be horrible about making plans, especially with the schedule of doctor appointments and fatigue tossed in. But you never gave up on me or getting together. You understood the few times I needed to cancel, even at the last minute. And you have been wonderful about scheduling more time to get together. You have listened to me vent about life and so many insane things that have happened this year and never let time pass with texts or messages. Thank you so much for bringing our friendship back into my life.
There are so many others as well... thank you all SO much for everything you have brought into my life. You haven't made me feel like I was sick or a cancer patient or a burden in anyway. You helped me feel alive and like ME and like the world has been okay, even with me being on pause for a while!
7. Family. My extended family with so many cousins... a guess a benefit of a big family. SO many of the cards in that white basket are from family checking in. Cousin Judy with your crazy text messages and "electronic tuck ins" at night, thank you! Just getting your little "XOXO" message with nothing else means more to me than you know, knowing that I wasn't forgotten is huge!
In addition to my family support is Jim's family. My last day of radiation, last day of active treatment overall, I not only got a congratulations call from Jim's mom, but from her sister as well! His cousin's sent cards and I always had so much support from them all. His cousin's wife even buzzed the back of my head and around my ears last week to clean up my hair. We were sitting around talking for close to 2 hours that day! When in a relationship with someone, you never know what you are going to get with their family. With Jim, I have received a whole new loving, caring, accepting and supportive family of my own. They have just brought me right into their circle and I feel so at home with them all. I'm very lucky to have them in my life and so touched about the support they have provided me with this year.
8. Jim. We have been on a roller coaster this year. We were away for my 38th birthday. A month later, he asked me to move in. That was the same weekend I found the lump. A few weeks later I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
After I got that call, I remember running to our bedroom and collapsing on the bed in tears. He held me there for hours. I told him I understood if he wanted to take it back, if he didn't want me to move in with him, if he wanted to break up. I couldn't walk away from cancer, he could. He hadn't signed up for that. I will never forget his answer.
"I'm not walking away from my best friend."
Jim has shown me what true love really is. He unpacked my mail order meds for me. He came to almost every doctor appointment I have had. He gave me the IVF shots I needed every night for weeks. He held me when I cried. He took the screams I threw at him. He was with me at the hospital for surgery. He emptied the drains twice a day when we got home. He washed my hair in the sink when I wasn't allowed to shower and helped me hold the drains so I could attempt to shower as best I could with the hand held shower. He put purple hair dye in my hair, very carefully so he wouldn't stain my scalp. He buzzed my head as my hair started falling out. He told me I was beautiful. He has financially put himself in a spot he wouldn't have otherwise while providing so much financial support for me. He has tried to make my life as normal as it could be during treatments. He rubbed my legs and feet for me when the pain from chemo was too much for me. He fed my cats and scooped their litter box, even though he is allergic to cats, the 4 months I went through chemo and I wasn't able to go near the little box. He put up with my mood swings and outbursts and the abuse (yes, verbal abuse) that I threw at him. And he never made me feel that he didn't love me. Even in the worst of times, when we were fighting, he never ever made me feel like he didn't love me. I have never doubted his love for me.
We have had our ups and downs. cancer takes so much from relationships. Strong marriages have failed. Any cracks are exposed. It isn't easy being someone's caregiver, especially when adjusting to living together at the same time! But he did it. And for the most part, he never complained about it.
He has been my rock. I never would have made it through this past year if I haven't him, his love and his support. He can talk me down from a panic attack (again last night), he can make me feel better about myself, even though that is something I should be able to do for myself. He has picked up the pieces of my shattered self esteem and has loved me. Through all of my meltdowns and outbursts and craziness, he has been here. And for those of you who know me, you have NOT seen the craziness in me that Jim has seen during this past year. Sobbing because chicken is undercooked. Screaming because of too much chaos in Walmart. Yelling at him because we left the house 15 minutes later than I wanted to. Shaking and screaming and crying so many times. Running out of the house in pajamas, in the middle of a full panic attack, because I couldn't breathe and needed air.
Jim took a beating from me in the past year. It has NOT been easy on him. I love him so much and hope to make it up to him in some way. I want and need him to see how much I love and appreciate him. I need to make him feel that from me. He knows that I love him and tells me all the time that he sees that in my eyes, but I need for him to feel the respect and appreciation I have for him and our relationship.
If things don't work out between him and I, yes, I will be completely devastated. He means so much to me. I cannot see my life without him in it. Everything I picture for my future has him by my side. He is my partner. I love him with all I have to give.
But more importantly than me wanting him in my life, I want him to be happy. I want good things for him and for him to be truly happy. If that is without me as part of his life, that is something I will have to deal with. I hope to God it isn't how things end up, but if it is and if he is happier without me, I will manage if I know he is happy. I will be heartbroken, but I will manage.
SO those are a few of the many many things I am grateful for during my 38th year. My life has changed completely. I have learned many many lessons and I have learned so much about so many people, including myself. My priorities have shifted. I still have the anxiety that I developed but I am doing my best to live in the moment and enjoy the hear and now. This single moment will never come again. Enjoy it!
Surround yourself with people who lift you up and bring you joy. Life is too short to be torn down and unhappy. Laugh and have fun! Do what makes you happy. Walk barefoot in the grass and smell the roses. Feel the raindrops on your face. Watch the sun rise and a new day begin. Find your passion in life and do it! Go for it! Believe in yourself. Be happy.
I have a wonderful group of people in my life. My circle of friends is amazing. They lift me up and support and encourage me. They believe in me and help me believe in myself. And they love me, all my faults and cracks and craziness, they love me!
So I'm working on the rest and trusting and believing that things in my life will fall into place and will happen as they should. I will be where I need to be, when I need to be there.
There is some reason why this past year was part of my life. I'm not sure yet what it was, but some day I will figure that out. It has changed the direction of my life and has given me a renewed purpose. The friendships that have begun or been reconnected, or strengthened are such a blessing to me. I am a different person because of the good and the not so good of the past year. This is now a part of me.
Last week I saw many extended cousins at a wake. One cousin is being treated for breast cancer at the exact same treatment center location I was treated at (I will be visiting her today during her chemo treatment, like my chemo buddies did for me). Someone close to her said something to me that touched me. She told me that my cousin knows what I have gone through in the past year and I have been an inspiration to her and have given her strength, because if I could do it, so could she.
Maybe that was part of why I had to go through this year. There were lessons I needed to learn in my life, people who needed to come and go in my life and maybe it was a way for me to know how to give back and help others, even if that is just purely because I was in this club before her.
I'm looking forward to all of the possibilities of my 39th year. Who knows what will happen next. But as of this moment, I'm hopeful and happy. I want to hold on to this and believe it and live it and be it. Fingers crossed!
Wish me luck on all of my new beginnings!! I wish them to you as well. :)
Yesterday was my birthday. My 39th birthday. I have never been this happy to be another year older! 38 sucked and there is really no other way to say it. I had surgery on my wrist on September 27th last year. A week and a half later I found the lump and on October 29th I got the call. Year from hell.
But now, 38 is DONE! I closed the door on it and have moved on to 39. YAY!
Last night I did a journaling exercise I did years ago with a now retired life coach I worked with. Joan used this for New Year's but my birthday is the start of a new year for me. Plus, with my birthday being the same time of year that school starts up, it is full of newness for me. Here is the link to Joan's coaching page if anyone has interest in what I used to journal. http://www.joancollinscoach.com/cb1206.html
Since I started doing this MANY years ago, I have been naming my year. It gives the year a theme and intention. I don't think (or don't remember anyway) I did this for 2013. It was right before my surgery. I could have. I might have even written here about it! Gotta love chemo brain!
For my 39th birthday, I named my 39th year. This is the year of new beginnings. I'm cancer free and and done with active treatment. This is the start of a healthier life for me. Jim and I have had many issues, but we have decided to work on things and to give it another chance, all in for both of us. We are having a new beginning in our relationship as well.
I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, but I am looking into going back to school part time and finishing up my degree (depending on financial aide and all of the costs associated with it) and moving into the health and human services field. It is important for me to give back and help other women who are or will be where I was. I want to pass along when I have learned.
Within that, I want to use what I know as a fitness instructor, become a certified personal trainer, and also start other trainings. I want to become a certified yoga instructor, take nutrition classes and become a life coach as well. I think with the combination of all of that I will have so many tools available for a whole health perspective, along with my own personal experiences.
This past year I lost a lot. Not only my breasts with the bilateral mastectomy or my hair with chemo, but my self esteem and confidence as well. I lost my sense of adventure. I lost my fearlessness. I also lost a few friendships in the past year and others which were close, are no longer that close.
But, as I have heard so many others say, there are so many good things that somehow come along with a cancer diagnosis. And I would like to go through so many of those now.
1. I never knew how selfless and giving people could be. I have been unbelievable touched by the outpouring of support I have received from so many people over the past year. The entire island in our kitchen was covered with cards and flowers I have received. One of the flower arrangements I received came in a white basket. I put all the cards in that one basket but I can barely fit anymore in there now. They all mean so much to me and helped me get through SO much. Thank you all for that.
2. My friend Carol in Brazil. We "met" online on WhatNext, which is basically Facebook for cancer. An online social media site for people with cancer or caregivers. We both joined around the same time, shortly after were were diagnosed last fall. I had 2 rounds of IVF, then surgery in early January, followed by chemo and radiation. Carol started chemo before Christmas last year. She had a few months of that, then surgery, then more chemo, then radiation.
We just GOT what the other was going through. She understood my fears. She knew how hard it was to lose my hair. She knew the struggles with relationships, with depression, anxiety, fatigue. She just understood because she was going through it all as well.
Carol prepped me for my start of chemo and gave me so many tips and helpful hints. I passed along information to her about surgery and let her know things she could do to help. We sent each other care packages, Boston to Brazil.
Carol gave me strength and courage to forge on when I didn't have any of my own. We have never met in person, but she is an amazing friend who I will cherish forever. I cannot wait to meet her in person and we are already working on planning that within the next year. Meeting her is on my list of 40 things to do before I'm 40!
3. Reconnecting and re-establishing old friendships. Without my cancer diagnosis, I don't know if we would have reached out to each other to reconnect as we have, so for that, I am so grateful. The cards, texts, messages, visits, words or support and encouragement... it has all meant so much to me. To not have really spoke, other than a few Facebook messages here and there, in pretty much 7-10 years, these friends from my past have been so unbelievably amazing with the love and support they have provided me with. I treasure the moments and our friendships. Please know how much you and our friendships mean to me.
4. Meeting so many new people.
Everyone at Dana Farber would never have been in my life if it wasn't for breast cancer. They are wonderful people and I love the joy and happiness that they all bring. I have had so many laughs with the wonderful people I have come into contact with.
I won the Boudoir Photo Shoot in January pretty much because of my story. I met Lauren, the photographer, Stephanie the hair stylist, MaryJo the makeup artist and Tricia the stylist. I've happened to bump into MaryJo and Stephanie a few times and Lauren has been so kind to have done 2 additional photo sessions with me. Those photos showed me strength I didn't realize I had. The Boudoir Party was a wonderful night with great friends, days before my surgery.
Strangers in public. I have been out bald for months. It is amazing the conversations that can start! I've met so many other club members.... the cancer club or chemo club or breast cancer club. We all know the look and see something of ourselves in each other. We share tips and advice and pass along information or organizations that we found helpful ourselves. We support each other in a way that non-club members just can't.
5. I had purple hair! I never would have had the courage to have purple hair before! So after cutting it short and not loving the loss of my long hair, I dyed it purple. And LOVED it. I rocked the purple hair! So much so, that I'm actually considering going purple again. Who knows? Why not! It was so much fun. I loved it.
6. Friendships I had were strengthened. Some friends I've had for many many years, and other newer friendships, were strengthened this year. So many provided me with so much support and encouragement and conversation and distractions. I loved the breakfasts, lunches, sitting on the sofa with me and Rocco, getting out and doing something different (like a bike ride, brunch in Cambridge, Tomato Bash), going for walks, text message or email check ins, chemo visits, company at home, cards... ALL of it. WOW!
There are too many people who fall into this category to mention all of you, but I have to mention a few specifically.
My Boudoir Party girls.... each of you have been so wonderful to me this entire year. You have all had so much going on in your own lives.
Tracie, getting engaged, selling your condo & getting married (yes, all that in 2013!) plus other personal things, it was a busy year for you. You made so much time for me and even though you may really have visited just to see Rocco, your visits always made such a difference to me. Grabbing lunch, heading out somewhere like the beach or just hanging on the sofa and catching up, they were all so great. Thank you.
Christine... working INSANE hours, going to school at night, volunteering, then finding replacement roommates and moving! WOW! But every other Tuesday you popped by for a chemo visit with your little happy smiling face. Love you my bucket list friend! Thanks for SUP lesson, the Tomato Bash and the trampolines at SkyZone. I'm willing to try that indoor rock climbing place, surfing, or trying snowboarding again this winter (but the only other time I tried in 2008, I broke my wrist!) and I still want to do outdoor ice skating, so Frog Pond? I love your sense of adventure and confidence. Thank you for your friendship and joy.
Jennifer, in between a vacation, work trips, your engagement, working on your new house, and changing jobs, you were amazing to me! Specifically picking my last chemo treatment to be my chemo buddy so you could celebrate with me. I loved that! ALL of the cards that you sent me mean so much. And wow, did you do TOO much. The breakfast box, and OMG those brownies!! Hmm... I might need to order some for me now! :) The visits you have made, the emails, Paint Nite, SUP, yoga... just to name a few things! Thank you!
I know how lucky I am to have the 3 of you as friends in my life and you mean SO much to me.
Michelle, my friend who tries so hard to get me on the phone when I'm not really a phone person! I'm sorry we have hard a harder time connecting but thank you for not giving up on me. You have done so much for me! You were hear right after surgery (ready to kick the visiting nurse's ASS for having me in tears!). You took me the day after my first chemo for my first shot. You walked in your sneakers in the snow with me, so I could get outside and get a tiny bit of exercise, even though you wanted me tied down so I could rest. I love you. I know you have had a lot on your plate lately and I am sorry I haven't been as good a friend to you as you have been to me. I love you!
Melanie.... love you honey. Please never ever think you haven't done enough. OMG you have done too much. With 2 girls in elementary school, a son who just started college, moving, working full-time, a dog and don't forget your husband! You have SO much. I love the visits and having you and Aly coming down to see me and Rocco (I know it isn't all about me!) when you could. You have done way too much with gifts. It isn't necessary. I love you and our friendship for (WOW!) over 20 years. You are an amazing person and you give way too much of yourself. I love you!
Jennifer, thank you. Another one with a husband, dog, young daughter and who moved! Talk about a busy life! But you always made time. I loved every one of the cards you sent, especially the pickle birthday card in March. You have no idea how many people I have told about that card! You have been so kind to me and your friendship means more to me than I can express. The advice you have given me, all the times you have listened to me vent and you compassionately responded, even if you didn't agree with me. You are one of the blessings that cancer has brought back into my life.
Melissa, another blessing from the past. Thank you. I can be horrible about making plans, especially with the schedule of doctor appointments and fatigue tossed in. But you never gave up on me or getting together. You understood the few times I needed to cancel, even at the last minute. And you have been wonderful about scheduling more time to get together. You have listened to me vent about life and so many insane things that have happened this year and never let time pass with texts or messages. Thank you so much for bringing our friendship back into my life.
There are so many others as well... thank you all SO much for everything you have brought into my life. You haven't made me feel like I was sick or a cancer patient or a burden in anyway. You helped me feel alive and like ME and like the world has been okay, even with me being on pause for a while!
7. Family. My extended family with so many cousins... a guess a benefit of a big family. SO many of the cards in that white basket are from family checking in. Cousin Judy with your crazy text messages and "electronic tuck ins" at night, thank you! Just getting your little "XOXO" message with nothing else means more to me than you know, knowing that I wasn't forgotten is huge!
In addition to my family support is Jim's family. My last day of radiation, last day of active treatment overall, I not only got a congratulations call from Jim's mom, but from her sister as well! His cousin's sent cards and I always had so much support from them all. His cousin's wife even buzzed the back of my head and around my ears last week to clean up my hair. We were sitting around talking for close to 2 hours that day! When in a relationship with someone, you never know what you are going to get with their family. With Jim, I have received a whole new loving, caring, accepting and supportive family of my own. They have just brought me right into their circle and I feel so at home with them all. I'm very lucky to have them in my life and so touched about the support they have provided me with this year.
8. Jim. We have been on a roller coaster this year. We were away for my 38th birthday. A month later, he asked me to move in. That was the same weekend I found the lump. A few weeks later I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
After I got that call, I remember running to our bedroom and collapsing on the bed in tears. He held me there for hours. I told him I understood if he wanted to take it back, if he didn't want me to move in with him, if he wanted to break up. I couldn't walk away from cancer, he could. He hadn't signed up for that. I will never forget his answer.
"I'm not walking away from my best friend."
Jim has shown me what true love really is. He unpacked my mail order meds for me. He came to almost every doctor appointment I have had. He gave me the IVF shots I needed every night for weeks. He held me when I cried. He took the screams I threw at him. He was with me at the hospital for surgery. He emptied the drains twice a day when we got home. He washed my hair in the sink when I wasn't allowed to shower and helped me hold the drains so I could attempt to shower as best I could with the hand held shower. He put purple hair dye in my hair, very carefully so he wouldn't stain my scalp. He buzzed my head as my hair started falling out. He told me I was beautiful. He has financially put himself in a spot he wouldn't have otherwise while providing so much financial support for me. He has tried to make my life as normal as it could be during treatments. He rubbed my legs and feet for me when the pain from chemo was too much for me. He fed my cats and scooped their litter box, even though he is allergic to cats, the 4 months I went through chemo and I wasn't able to go near the little box. He put up with my mood swings and outbursts and the abuse (yes, verbal abuse) that I threw at him. And he never made me feel that he didn't love me. Even in the worst of times, when we were fighting, he never ever made me feel like he didn't love me. I have never doubted his love for me.
We have had our ups and downs. cancer takes so much from relationships. Strong marriages have failed. Any cracks are exposed. It isn't easy being someone's caregiver, especially when adjusting to living together at the same time! But he did it. And for the most part, he never complained about it.
He has been my rock. I never would have made it through this past year if I haven't him, his love and his support. He can talk me down from a panic attack (again last night), he can make me feel better about myself, even though that is something I should be able to do for myself. He has picked up the pieces of my shattered self esteem and has loved me. Through all of my meltdowns and outbursts and craziness, he has been here. And for those of you who know me, you have NOT seen the craziness in me that Jim has seen during this past year. Sobbing because chicken is undercooked. Screaming because of too much chaos in Walmart. Yelling at him because we left the house 15 minutes later than I wanted to. Shaking and screaming and crying so many times. Running out of the house in pajamas, in the middle of a full panic attack, because I couldn't breathe and needed air.
Jim took a beating from me in the past year. It has NOT been easy on him. I love him so much and hope to make it up to him in some way. I want and need him to see how much I love and appreciate him. I need to make him feel that from me. He knows that I love him and tells me all the time that he sees that in my eyes, but I need for him to feel the respect and appreciation I have for him and our relationship.
If things don't work out between him and I, yes, I will be completely devastated. He means so much to me. I cannot see my life without him in it. Everything I picture for my future has him by my side. He is my partner. I love him with all I have to give.
But more importantly than me wanting him in my life, I want him to be happy. I want good things for him and for him to be truly happy. If that is without me as part of his life, that is something I will have to deal with. I hope to God it isn't how things end up, but if it is and if he is happier without me, I will manage if I know he is happy. I will be heartbroken, but I will manage.
SO those are a few of the many many things I am grateful for during my 38th year. My life has changed completely. I have learned many many lessons and I have learned so much about so many people, including myself. My priorities have shifted. I still have the anxiety that I developed but I am doing my best to live in the moment and enjoy the hear and now. This single moment will never come again. Enjoy it!
Surround yourself with people who lift you up and bring you joy. Life is too short to be torn down and unhappy. Laugh and have fun! Do what makes you happy. Walk barefoot in the grass and smell the roses. Feel the raindrops on your face. Watch the sun rise and a new day begin. Find your passion in life and do it! Go for it! Believe in yourself. Be happy.
I have a wonderful group of people in my life. My circle of friends is amazing. They lift me up and support and encourage me. They believe in me and help me believe in myself. And they love me, all my faults and cracks and craziness, they love me!
So I'm working on the rest and trusting and believing that things in my life will fall into place and will happen as they should. I will be where I need to be, when I need to be there.
There is some reason why this past year was part of my life. I'm not sure yet what it was, but some day I will figure that out. It has changed the direction of my life and has given me a renewed purpose. The friendships that have begun or been reconnected, or strengthened are such a blessing to me. I am a different person because of the good and the not so good of the past year. This is now a part of me.
Last week I saw many extended cousins at a wake. One cousin is being treated for breast cancer at the exact same treatment center location I was treated at (I will be visiting her today during her chemo treatment, like my chemo buddies did for me). Someone close to her said something to me that touched me. She told me that my cousin knows what I have gone through in the past year and I have been an inspiration to her and have given her strength, because if I could do it, so could she.
Maybe that was part of why I had to go through this year. There were lessons I needed to learn in my life, people who needed to come and go in my life and maybe it was a way for me to know how to give back and help others, even if that is just purely because I was in this club before her.
I'm looking forward to all of the possibilities of my 39th year. Who knows what will happen next. But as of this moment, I'm hopeful and happy. I want to hold on to this and believe it and live it and be it. Fingers crossed!
Wish me luck on all of my new beginnings!! I wish them to you as well. :)
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