Today is New Years Eve. I've always loved New Years, and I've said that before. Years ago I worked with a life coach and I still do her New Year Review. Here's a link to her website with the Year in Review page from 2003 into 2004.
http://www.joancollinscoach.com/cb1203.html
I have named my year every year for YEARS now. Doing this review and coming up with an intention for the upcoming has become a huge part of my New Years tradition. I know that 2009, My Year of New Experience completely changed my life and made me the person I am today.
Doing the review this year is going to be a bit more difficult for me. Everything right now is completely focused on cancer and nothing else. I have tunnel vision. It is almost all that exists for me. But it has to be that way for me. This is my life. If I'm not focused on cancer and beating it, what does that say about how much I value myself and my life?
One thing I have noticed and immediately thought about when I reread the year review questions was the part about relationships. That is something that has definitely changed with cancer in my life. I have been absolutely blown away at the kindness I have been shown from people, people and places I would never have expected it from! It is SO touching.
Just from facebook alone, people have noticed my posts and pictures and comments I have made. The updates are more for em and those who know what is going on in my life. But others who don't know have figured a few things out, especially within the past couple of weeks. It has been a little overwhelming to receive such amazing support, encouragement and just hearing from people I never would have expected to hear from. From people who have not been a part of my close circle for a long time.
In that respect, I am so lucky. I'm lucky to have the people in my life that I do. So many have stepped up and offered so much for me. I know I couldn't do this without everyone by my side, offering encouragement and kind words along the way, keeping my spirits up and keeping me laughing and smiling.
I have been a little shocked by a few people I have not heard anything from, places I would have expected it from. A few people at work surprised me and not in a good way. Someone I have known for 7 years, worked for twice and was friends with.... she hasn't said one word to me about any of this, not even in an email. When I saw her a couple of weeks ago, she could barely make eye contact with me.
Even some family has surprised me. Most have been AMAZING! But some? I was really surprised.
But even though those people do stay in the back of my mind, I am choosing not to focus on that. I'm choosing to focus on the outpouring of support I am receiving from everyone and everywhere else. Work giving me all the time off I have needed for the rest of 2012, even though I was out of time off weeks ago. Family and friends sending cards, emails, texts and facebook messages, checking in and being SO supportive. My boyfriend always saying the right things to me to make me feel better. People I haven't talked to in years reaching out. Bartenders giving me hugs. My gym sending me cards, messages and even the amazing Edible Arrangement! (so not necessary!) A family friend of a million years, opening her salon on a Sunday to cut my hair for me, and then refusing to accept anything!
By the way.... Emerald Salon in Stoneham on Main Street. Faith Butler is the owner. And here is the link to the facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Emerald-Salon/294334763910734
Faith is basically family. She has been friends with my Godmother, my Aunt Kathy, since they were 15 years old in high school. When I was about to start high school, my cousin Lisa and I flew out to California to stay with our Uncle and Aunt and also with Faith when she lived out there. She's been back this way for about 20 years and opened up her salon in Stoneham 13 years ago.
Yesterday she opened up the salon on her day off for me to come in. My friend Pam, who I have not seen in WAY too long, met me there as well. The two of them made it more like a day of hanging out and catching up than anything else. I was afraid it was going to be really emotional for me to cut off my hair, which has not been above my shoulders in over 15 years! They made it fun.
Faith refused to accept anything from me. She spent a few hours on her day off, cutting my hair, then trimming up the three wigs I brought in with me as well. She wouldn't take anything from me.
SO, please check out Emerald Salon and say hi to Faith for me! I wasn't expecting that at all. I wasn't "pulling the cancer card" and trying to get something for free. Originally I was going to go to a salon for it, but I was afraid of how I would handle that emotionally and wanted to go to someone I know, who is like family. And she wouldn't take anything from me. Please help me thank her! If you are looking for an amazing stylist, check her out!!!
As great as the day was, it was still tough when I got home. The only reason I was chopping off my hair is because of cancer. I'll lose in during chemo. I won't be able to shower for a couple of weeks after surgery and won't be able to lift my arms over my head. I know I won't be able to take care of it, which is why I wanted to cut it before surgery. It it wasn't for cancer, I would still have my long straight hair.
It was hard last night, every time I walked by a mirror. Even seeing shadow in the hallway was hard. This isn't me. This short hair, it isn't who I am. Its hard to see. I wish I could have my hair back, but I can't. And I won't for a very very long time.
Jim was great about it all. I was upset last night. I lost part of me by cutting off my hair. I'm having surgery in 10 days and I'll be losing even more of me, but gaining 3-4 inch scars across what will be my nippleless chest. That's scary! I don't want to look like a freak and I don't want to feel like a freak.
My hair was part of me and part of who I was as a person and as a woman. My femininity. And it was cut off yesterday. That's hard. I don't look like me. And I don't feel attractive. Toss in, I haven't worked out in about a month with the IVF crap. The shots I'm on have made me bloated and hormonal. I'm stressed out and have so much anxiety. I just don't feel good about myself.
Jim told me that I'm still me. Its my personality. With my hair cut and with the upcoming surgery, it doesn't change how he feels about me. Yeah, he has to get used to the new hair cut because I look different, but I'm still me and he loves me.
It really helped having him just hold me and tell me that he loves me. He said that the things that matter to me, like the hair cut, don't matter to him. That's not why he's with me. He's with me for who I am and that hasn't changed. I'm still the same person.
I really am lucky to have him in life. He just knows what I need all the time. When we got home last night, I was starting to lose it a little after seeing my shadow and reflection. The kitchen was a mess and I just needed some order since everything else is completely out of control right now. I told him I was starting to freak out and that I needed this done.
He pulled me towards him, put his arms around me, gave me a kiss and told me he loved me. He kept giving me little kisses with his arms wrapped around me. He made me slow down, stop and he stopped the start of a possible meltdown. I'm just so grateful to have him in my life and to be with someone who loves me, who I love and who makes me this happy.
2013 is going to be full of challenges for me. I will face things I never thought about, considered or ever would want to go through. A few surgeries, chemo, recovery. This is my life for a good part of 2013.
I know that I'll make it through all of this. I know I AM a survivor. I know I have amazing support in my life. And I have so many amazing people and things to be grateful for.
Thank you to all of you who read this, who offer me support and who have been part of my "team" to get me over this mountain to the other side of what lies ahead in my life. I need all the support I can get, all the encouragement, help, prayers, well wishes, and positive energy that I can have. So please keep on sending it!!
Ten more days until surgery. 10 days from right now I will be at Faulker Hospital, preparing for my surgery. 10 days. Crazy, isn't it? Ten days.
I'll keep writing here up through then. I'm not sure how I'll be after surgery, so it might be a few days. I'll try to get some sort of update out, even if Jim logs in somewhere to post for me to spread the word.
Ten days.
Time to do my annual Year in Review and see what my deep down thoughts come up with.
Happy New Year! Think good thoughts for 2013!!!
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