I had to look and see what I said last time and when I last wrote. Been a busy week! And of course, more ups and downs too.
Wednesday was actually okay. Work has been hard since my focus is so limited and all over the place, but not much I can do about that right now. Went to see the shrink again. He's actually pretty funny! He asked if I liked to have control with things. I said, "YEAH, with everything!" His response, with his finger on his chin, "Hmm.... you'd think I did this for a living." He just cracks me up!
But he doubled the dose of the anti-anxiety pills I've been taking. Probably a good thing for me. My anxiety level is SO high. He told me I have anticipatory anxiety. Thinking about things in the future, I can work myself up into a frenzy. Yup, that's me. Guess he really does do this for a living!
I'm glad I have gotten support like him into place. I know I'm going to have more challenges along the way in this whole thing. Having him to talk to and kind of keep me in check, along with the social worker I've been seeing weekly, plus the case manager at my health insurance company... all of them, each gives me an outlet to vent, plus I hear some great ideas of things I didn't know about or haven't thought about. I know I'm going to need all the support I can get over the next 6 months.
Thursday was the "Haaahvest" as one friend likes to call it. I honestly HATE calling the egg retrieval thing a harvest, but that's the word they use for it. URGH.
Anyway, I was up before my 5am alarm went off. Showered, got ready, work Jim up and we were out the door around 5:45 to drive up to Lexington. With the traffic on 128, you never know what you are getting. We needed to check in for 7am. I wasn't sure an hour and 15 minutes would be enough.
Well, after getting off the exit, driving a few miles looking for the McD's on his phone (and not finding it, realizing we were going in the wrong direction, giving up and heading back to the place), we parked at 6:30am! Okay, so not me. Pretty early.
I was EXHAUSTED. I feel back to sleep sitting in the drivers seat in the parking lot. Jim woke me up right at 7am and we went in to check in. The upstairs had a big sign, "ADULTS ONLY ON THE 2ND FLOOR". That was kind of odd, but okay.
After heading passed the waiting area, we went though the next door to check in with the nurses. It almost looked like an ER. The gurney beds all lined up with curtains separating each area, and the nurses station in the middle.
The walked me to the bathroom where I had to change out of my clothes into the wonderful "one size fits" NOT ME johnny. Really? Why can't those damn things come in sizes? I wear a small top, sometimes and extra small. Those HANG off of me! I swear they make them from people who are double my size. With how big they are one, what's the point?
After I got back to the "room" where Jim was sitting, waiting, they grabbed me a warm, heated blanket and we were basically just hanging out. After all the shots I've been getting, you'd think I was good with needles at this point. Maybe the "anticipatory anxiety" thing, but NOPE! NOT good. The nurse grabbed another warm blanket to wrap around my left arm, heating up my veins to make it easier for the IV.
It wasn't too bad after she got it in, then covered it again, so I didn't need to look at it. They were super nice and got me all prepped. I was pretty nervous, but did so much better than any other medical procedure I've had in the past 4 months (including all my MRI's too!)
I walked into the, hmm, operating room? Whatever that room was called, I walked in. It looked like a bad movie. The small table was in the middle of the room and it was freezing in there. I had to get the IV around everything and sit on the edge of the table. They had a weird shaped pillow for my head to rest on and not flop over.
Think of your annual with the ob/gyn and those wonderful stirrups. But they were closer and not for my feet. I had to rest the back of my knees in them, then hang my feet down. Wonderful. Such a great position with 5 other people in the room while I'm in the johnny hanging off of me, "scooting" my hips up in the air so the nurse could stick another blanket thing under my naked ass.
They put some drug to relax me into the IV and OMG that hurt! The nurse said, "you'll feel a slight burn from that but only for a minute. Then you won't feel a thing". I was laying down and the anesthesiologist was putting the thing over my nose when I said, "It really hurts! When am I not going to feel a thing?" That is the last thing I remember.
I woke up back in the "room" with the curtain. It was weird waking up. Very groggy. I guess the Dr. came over and chatted with me, at least that's what Jim told me. I have no memory of that conversation, which is what I told the Dr. when he came back. He said that's what he thought which is why he came back.
I only had 2 eggs, which I knew going in. He got both, but wasn't sure on the quality at that point. He knew of the change with my surgery date, moving even sooner. I have to say, I really really like Dr. O. He's a good guy, honest and shoots straight. No bs. Right to the point and says it like it is. Even when its hard to hear, I appreciate that. No false hope.
He said there would be time to squeeze in another cycle before surgery. He's start me on a different drug on Monday to get things going. No guarantees with it, but he was willing to try again, given the situation I'm in. He said that he wanted to do it all before my surgery, not after. The surgery will be a lot for me, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. That it wouldn't be fair to me to have to come in for blood work and ultrasounds every few days while getting shots every night, after having just gone through that. I appreciated that. And he's right. I don't think I could handle that, even IF I could get there every morning for the blood work and ultrasounds (I don't expect I'll be allowed to drive for a bit!)
We were back home on Thursday morning around 9:30. Jim left before 10 to head to work and I was on the sofa for the ENTIRE day. I slept on and off and just hung out. HOLY COW was I bloated. I seriously still look like I'm a few months pregnant, although this morning my belly is FINALLY starting to relax a little.
Friday I was at work, back in my black Target yoga pants. I was so bloated that they were literally cutting a line into my stomach. Plus my boobs were swollen too! (which Jim though was a good thing, stretch the skin now so there's more room later. Of course he'd be happy with that part! LOL!)
At work on Friday afternoon, that was the tough part. Dr. O's office called earlier in the day. Jackie, his amazing nurse who I love said that only one egg made it and it was already frozen. One. Granted there were only 2 to begin with, but ONE? Couples who go through IVF have 2-3 embryos implanted each month to try to get pregnant and some try for MONTHS. I have one.
They already put in for my new prescription and I just needed to call the pharmacy to set up the delivery and take the 3 units on Monday. That would get things going for the new cycle. Once I get my next period, I'll have to call them right away to get things started again. Okay... got the plan, lets go!
I called the pharmacy, set up delivery to go to Jim's work on Monday (I'm leaving at 1:45, so it can't go to my work and I don't want drugs dropped off to our empty house during the day). All seemed good. I was doing okay, just trying to make it though a Friday afternoon at work.
Another nurse, Trish, called from Dr. O's office. They put in for approval for a 2nd round with my insurance company. It was denied. Dr. O was going to call for reconsideration, and Jackie was looking up other alternatives for me. Harvard Vanguard and Dr. O would waive their fees for me. But the place I went to on Thursday for the "harvest", that cost for that one day is almost $9,000! And the meds? What I took last time was almost $14,000. I'm guessing I'd be on something stronger or higher doses this time to get better results, so it would cost even more!
Jackie was trying to get me places with financial aid for this, to help me out. Dr. O was with patients but was going to call to speak with a doctor at my insurance company for a "peer to peer" review of why I needed this. Really? Um, I have no kids and I'm going to be going through chemo which will leave me sterile. Only one survived the retrieval the first time. If I am ever going to have the chance to have kids, this is IT. That's why I need this again. NOW! Before surgery in less than a month!
WTF!!!!!
I was in tears by the time I hung up the phone. I immediately called my case manager at my insurance company to see what she could do and what I could do. She said Dr. O needed to call in for the review, but I could call member services as well if I wanted to. That's what I did. I was quickly passed to their infertility department who said it was denied, but she didn't have a reason and she said Dr. O needed call for the reconsideration. I asked for her manager.
Rita was nice but basically said there was nothing she could do. She could take my info, note that I called, but that Dr. O really needed to call for the review. I said, "But this isn't HIS life, this its MINE! What can I do?? I need to do SOMETHING!" I was sobbing on the phone. Sobbing.
I told her that this wasn't just someone going for fertility treatments. I said that I have cancer. I'm having a double mastectomy on January 10th and then having chemo. I'm going to be sterile. This is it! This is my ONLY chance. I said how time sensitive it was.
I wanted to speak with someone in that department, who made that decision, who denied the request for coverage. Surprise, surprise, they don't speak to members! Really? They can play God, but they won't talk to the people who's lives they are impacting?
I was yelling at Rita, telling her it wasn't right. I kept saying, I can't take anymore of this. I'm going through enough right now. This isn't right and I shouldn't have to worry about things like this too. I took out EVERYTHING that I had in my on Rita. It got the point that I couldn't even talk anymore, I was crying on the phone that much to her.
When I could finally speak again and said good-bye, Rita whispered a good-bye to me. I'm pretty sure that I left her in tears with that call.
As much as I know that she was only doing her job and the decision for me being denied wasn't on her, wasn't her choice and wasn't anything she could make a decision on or even impact, she worked for them and just represented the entire insurance company to me. Maybe it makes me a bad person, but in some way, it made me feel a little better knowing that on Friday afternoon at 4:30, just before her weekend was going to begin, I made her cry. She can think about me and how upset I was, and have that with her this weekend. And that made and still makes me feel a little bit better. Like I said, that might make me a bad person, but right now I'm okay with that.
Jackie called me back to let me know she was still trying to get me some additional financial aid and looking into things for me. She said Dr. O was still with a patient, but he was going to call in for reconsideration for my denial. Even the info she got didn't give a reason. It just said that the "request was official denied by Dr. Dave". Nice, huh? Asshole.
She said she'd call me if she heard anything, but at that point it was about 4:40pm on a Friday. I doubted anything else would happen before the weekend. She said she'd call me on Monday either way. I had already ordered the meds and my $30 copay for the first shot already went through. I've already gotten the UPS confirmation email that it will be delivered to Jim's work on Monday.
Right now I'm still planning on taking that first shot on Monday. We'll see what everything else brings after that.
Just too much to think about. So much keeps coming on my plate. Even things I would never have any idea about. How do I stay positive and optimistic about things but protect myself from crushing blows like this? How do I manage the expectations and not be let down when something like this wasn't even anywhere in my head as a remote possibility? I have great medical insurance. IVF is covered for people trying to have kids, for multiple cycles. Why wouldn't mine be covered to try for a second time before I'm left sterile? It just doesn't make any sense to me! And I know I couldn't have the $23,000 to pay for this on my own without insurance, and that's AFTER the fees for Dr. O and all services at Harvard Vanguard were waived!
WTF. That's all I can say about it.
I wasn't in the best of moods when I left work yesterday, with all of that. Jim was great when I got home. I talked to him on my way home and was basically just trying to get out of my head. After him and I hung up, I tried 3 other people but just got voice mail after voice mail. That was hard.
Last night my friend Aimee was having a girls night holiday get together at her house. With the "harvest" and all that, I had been on the fence all week. I wasn't sure how I'd feel. Even before the insurance mess, I was still unsure. I was SO bloated and looked pregnant. I was so uncomfortable, looked like crap and felt like crap. THEN the insurance mess. I was an emotional wreck.
Plus, I didn't want to be the Debbie Downer of the night. I didn't want pity or for people to feel bad for me. I HATE that. Give me support, don't give me pity!
I ended up talking to my friend Jen, who wanted to drive 15 minutes to get me, back past her house to get to Aimee's! She so sweet. Talking to her and venting about the whole thing really helped. That's what got me to decide to at least try to go to Aimee's and see the girls.
I'm glad I went. First off, Aimee is an AMAZING hostess! I cannot believe how much food she had and how much I ate. Good thing I still had on my Target yoga pants, but I was even more bloated with everything I ate. I need to remember to get the recipe for the grape, caramel, peanut thing she made. Holy Cow was that one good. Everything was good!
It was really nice seeing everyone. Ten of us made it, only one from the group was missing. We were all sitting around, the drinks were flowing, and were chatting, laughing and having a great time. They are all really great people and I'm lucky that I have them all in my life.
The weirdest part is, four years ago, I didn't know any of them. I met some in 2009, a few in 2010, then the rest in 2011. All with the fitness group. Between running, swimming and golf, we've all become friends. I think that's really cool.
It was nice to catch up with a few people I haven't talked to in a while. I think I needed that. Aimee was so incredibly supportive and encouraging. I stayed much later than I was going to, just because I her and I were talking for so long. She is a great person. Aimee... hope you know that!
All of them... they are all great people and I'm lucky that I have them in my life and I'm lucky for the support that I have with them.
Focusing on things like that... the people in my life, the support that I have around me, that's what makes things easier to handle and manage. I can't imagine going through breast cancer and dealing with all of this, without having the support that I do. That isn't even something that I could think about. This whole things SUCKS, but I know I'm so blessed for the support. Not everyone has that. Not everyone has great people all around them. I do.
Even though getting through work has been tough, they have been amazing. I hung up on my boss yesterday when the doctor's number was on the caller ID on my phone. They are setting me up to work from home when I'm recovered from surgery, all through chemo. I'll be in the office the beginning of January then out basically until July. Not all companies would be that accommodating and supportive.
My family is great. My friends are great. Jim is amazing. Even his family. I don't know them all really well. Him and I have only been together for a year and a half. I don't even see them once a month. Some of them offered me rides if I ever need them! How unbelievable is that??
And if you can follow this one, on Thanksgiving, Jim's mother's (Diane), cousin's (Paul), wife's (Linda) mother (seriously, can you follow that?) gave me a hug and said she was praying for me but she knew I'd be okay. When we were back there the day after Thanksgiving, they knew I had my biopsy that morning. Linda's mom asked me how everything went and that she had been thinking of me. Before Thanksgiving, I met this woman once. That's how his family is.
Not everyone has this kind of support. Not everyone gets texts, emails, cards, care packages, phone calls... people just checking in to say hi, wish me well and let me know they are thinking of me. I love that and appreciate that so much. It all means SO much to me. I save all the cards, all the emails. I know when I have surgery and when I'm in chemo, things are going to be really rough. I'm saving all of that so I can go back and remind myself of the support I have and of the amazing people in my life who are cheering me on in this.
Even if I don't always respond, THANK YOU and know how much all it all means to me.
What else??? I got a ton of deliveries at work this week. The 2 decals should be on my car later today, which I'm looking forward to. I'll post a pic of the back of my car once that's done.
Another gift that came in was my boyfriend's xmas gift. For those not friends with me on Facebook, I had to tell him what it was. It was delivered to work on Thursday when I wasn't there. Hard to hide a 6 foot tall 90 pound grappling dummy wrapped in a white tarp. OMG, it looked like a dead body.
I guess people at work were freaked out. They would walk by my office and see it laying on the flood. Some thought it was someone sleeping, but no one could tell what was up.
Here's a picture of it from when I came in on Friday.
