25 Days and Counting

The bloating is almost gone from the fertility drugs and "harvest" (REALLY hate that word!).  This morning when I got out of bed, Jim had already left to go to Dunkin.  I was in the bathroom in my pajama pants and tank top, the super fitted ribbed kind (aka wife beater). 

When I looked in the mirror and saw that the bloating was basically done, I thought to myself, "Good, I have my body back."  But then that brought on a whole new set of thoughts.  Yeah, today I have my body back, but for how long?  I'm having both boobs cut off.  What will "my body" be then? 

I just checked a calendar and counted it out.  Surgery is in 25 days.  25 days!!  WOW.  That's quick.  That's really quick.  Being in January, it seems further way.  A different month.  A different year.  But 25 days?  And then I'll have a new body.  Without boobs for a while. 

I'm doing better than I was yesterday morning.  I've basically let it all go as far as the fertility thing.  It is completely out of my hands and there is nothing else I can do about it.  If it is meant to be, then it will work out.  If not, it won't.  I've always been pretty good with trusting that things will work out for me the way they are supposed to and I will end up where I should be.  Sometimes it is harder to remember that, especially right in the middle of something that can be so upsetting. 

I'm scared about what my body is going to look like, having 2 scars, each about 4 inches, across my chest, without nipples.  The temporary expanders will only have a little saline in them after surgery before they get filled slowly over time.  How am I going to react when I see myself for the first time?  How am I going to be with Jim? 

I'm tried to prepare him that I'm nervous about it and that I don't know how I will react to all of it.  I've tried to let him know that I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle him looking at me.  I'm not sure that he understands how much this is going to impact me and my confidence. 

And all of that is before I lose my hair!  THAT is the biggest fear that I have in all of this!

Is that messed up?  Is that wrong?  This is cancer.  People die of cancer.  I'm having both boobs cut off, chemo, reconstruction, multiple surgeries, one thing after another.  Yeah, I'm concerned about it all.  But the one, single, biggest thing for me.  My hair!

When people tell me, "don't worry, it'll grow back", all that does is piss me off.  I don't f'ing care!  I don't want to lose it in the first place!!  I've had long straight hair for 10-15 years.  This is who I am.  This is my identity.  Telling me not to worry, that it will grow back?  When I'm losing something that is part of my identity?  Really?  That is supposed to help me?  I don't f'ing think so!

And I know that people only say it because they think it will help, but it doesn't.  It hasn't once and it won't.  I know that my hair will grow back, reminding me of that doesn't change that I am going to lose it and only makes me feel like my worries and fears are being minimized or disregarded. 

When I say that people I do not know have come up to me to touch my hair, I'm not kidding.  It has always freaked me out, yes, but I've always found it funny too.  Little kids will start to almost "pet" my hair!

Years ago, I was away up in NH one weekend and went to a local bar to hear and dance to a band I loved who played mostly rock, like Motley Crew, Buck Cherry, Van Halen, and AC/DC.  The following weekend I was at a Country bar in Middleton, MA.  Someone came up to me and asked me if I was at the bar in NH the weekend before.  She recognized me from my hair.  Really?

So that's why it is such a big deal.  Bigger than having both boobs cut off.  Bigger than having 5 surgeries within 6 months.  This is the biggest part of it for me.  This is the hardest part for me to deal with. 

I don't want to be a sick person.  I'm not sick!  I feel great, now that I'm not bloated.  I haven't been exercising because of the fertility crap but I will today.  This week I want to get in at least one kickboxing class, if not more.  I'm okay. 

When I lose my hair, I will LOOK like I'm sick.  People will see that.  I don't want to be treated differently.  I don't want pity. 

I just want to be me and I want to have my life back to normal. 

I know that isn't going to happen for a long time.  This is my new normal.  cancer is my new normal.  Doctor appointments almost every day, that's my new normal.  I don't have all these numbers programed in my phone.  I don't need to.  I KNOW them.  I know from seeing the number on Caller ID, which doctor's office is calling me.  I can recognize them all now.   

Obviously, I'm still adjusting to all of this.  There is so much to take in and process ALL the time.  I know that this is changing who I am as a person and impacting most of the relationships in my life.  I see things differently, react to things differently, even feel things differently.  Each day has brought different challenges, ones that I never could have imagined.  How do you prepare for things when you can't even imagine the possibility? 

I'm still trying to stay positive.  I put my thoughts and fears here... getting them out of my head where they can only cause me damage.  I'm trying to recognize the fear, then let it go.  Some parts are easier than others to do that with.

One step at a time. 

I'm actually surprised at how I handled the fertility thing.  Who knows what I'll be like tomorrow when I hear the final results, if the insurance company will allow it or not.  I can't worry about that today though and there is nothing else at all that I can do to to influence that.  I've spoken to everyone I can, done all I can.  It is out of my hands and what will be, will be.  I have to trust that the right thing will happen, whatever the right thing for me is. 

I'm trying to have that same attitude about everything.  Whatever is right for me will happen.  I will be where I need to be, when I need to be there, to learn whatever it is that I need to learn.  The right people will be brought into my life at the right times.   I've always believed that things happen for a reason, even if it takes a while to see what that reason might be.  There is some ultimate purpose for this that I don't know about yet.  There is something that I will learn from this.

After the surgeries, after chemo, after this whole process, I will be okay.  I will get through all of this.  I know that for certain.  Maybe that's why I'm not as concerned about the surgeries.  I know that I will be fine when this is done.  I'll be different, but I will be okay.  I'm strong.  I'm healthy.  I trust my team of doctors.  I know I will be fine and this will not break me.  I will get through this, just like I have gotten through every other challenge I have had in my life.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and this will not kill me.  I KNOW that. 

Even still, I'm learning to manage the fears and the unknowns.  I'm a planner and I have always wanted and needed clear, defined, detailed expectations.  What's the goal?  What is the outcome going to be?  What is the process? What steps need to be taken?  And what will the results of each step lead to? 

With this, there are so many unknowns.  I think I'm prepared.  I think I have all the information.  I think I'm doing okay.  Then something completely unexpected knocks me for a loop!  Blindsides me.  How do I prepare for that?  How do I protect myself from things I can't even imagine will be issues or concerns? 

Now, I'm preparing that insurance may not approve another attempt at fertility preservation.  I'm trying to be positive and hopeful, but I'm preparing for the denial to not be reversed. 

My surgery has a date.  January 10th.  I'm preparing for that.  I will be in the hospital for 1-2 nights.  The house needs to be cleaned before I go for surgery... not just picked up, but CLEANED.  All the laundry needs to be done, dishes washed and put away.  Bathroom scrubbed.  Litter box changed.  Plenty of easy food to heat up ready to go in easy to open containers. 

I will get home from the hospital on either Friday or Saturday.  Jim will be back to work on Monday.  I'll need to be ready for that, to be home alone all day with the cats downstairs (no more litter box for me!) and the dog upstairs will me.  Will I be okay with a 115 pound dog who likes to sit on my lap?  Not sure how that will manage but he was great after my wrist surgery. 

We have to get a phone line in the house, so when I'm ready to work again from home, I can get and make calls.  And if we need to be home from that, we need to call sooner rather than later, with two long holiday weekends between now and then. 

I won't be able to lift my arms after surgery.  I need to make sure I have the clothes that I need and can wear.  I've got one top that the hospital gave me, but I want to order others online, which I haven't done yet.  I want to buy a bathrobe with big pockets on the front, not on the side.  When I wash the shirt I got from the hospital, I can wear that bathrobe inside out and have a place to put the drains. 

Dishes, glasses and even some food will all have to be on the counter, since I won't be able to reach my arms up.  My powerade bottles will have to have the seals broken so they are easy to open.  Food will have to be ready to heat in single serving sizes for me, with easy containers to just pop in the microwave. 

I've ordered a TON of books that I'm already reading.  I have a bunch of magazines I'm not yet caught up on.  I know I'm going to be bored sitting around the house all day every day.  The plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing ANYTHING while the drains are still in, so I won't get an infection. 

Hopefully she'll be okay with me at least going for a walk or something like that.  Getting outside makes me feel better, getting the fresh air and just moving.  Granted, the poor dog won't be able to go with me.  NO WAY could I handle that leash alone! 

I'm just trying to prepare for everything that I'll want and could need for my first recovery.  I'm not even on to chemo yet.... other than really trying to prepare for losing my hair.  First is surgery.  That's the next step.  25 days.  Wow. 

And to think, I haven't even finished Christmas shopping yet!