Almost September

When I woke up this morning, I was scrolling through Facebook.  I have "liked" so many pages that give quotes and whatnot, that's what fills up the wall when I go through.  One quote after an other was about looking at the positive, manifesting the good, focusing on happiness.  Of course I woke up grouchy.

I'm trying to see the positives in life and I'm trying to make more of an effort to focus on that.  For me, it isn't so much good days or not good days.  It is more of a moment to moment thing.  I can be happy and excited in one moment then down and in tears the next.  Gotta love mood swings.

Thursday I tried to have a good day.  Moved things around the house and did a TON of cleaning.  Went food shopping and came home to cook dinner.  Of course saw a mouse run through the kitchen and FREAKED OUT.  Dinner was already cooking and it was when I was putting away the rest of the groceries.

My timing for dinner got all messed up with the mouse.  I cut the chicken to see if it was done, but I guess it wasn't ALL done.  I thought I cut a piece in the middle of the pan.  Anyway, my piece was fine.  Jim's wasn't.  It wasn't all the way cooked.  He told me.  I started bawling.  Over uncooked chicken.  That lead to, "I can't do anything right.  I can't even cook chicken."

Friday I slept in, which was very much needed.  Even with the 1 hour nap I had on Thursday afternoon, I still slept 11 hours on Thursday night.  Guess I was pretty tired.  After I got up and had breakfast/lunch (slept until 11am), I was online for a short while, then showered around 1 and out the door at 1:30.  I had a massage at Dana Farber from 2-3.  I LOVE that they still offer the massages there for only $20 for patients.

After I was done with the massage, my friend Christine met me.  She was going with me to use a Groupon I had purchased.  For SkyZone, an indoor trampoline place.  It was SO much fun, but absolutely EXHAUSTING.  We had one hour there and didn't even make 45 minutes.  We first hit the bathrooms, then walked around a little.  We slowly started jumping, but that was exhausting!  Then we tried jumping into the foam pit.  After that, Christine played Dodge Ball with the 10 year old boys.  It was too cute, cuz none of the boys would throw at her.  I guess none of them wanted to whip the ball at a girl.  :)

We went back on the trampolines again.  I actually did a front tuck twice!  I didn't think I could but yay.  I almost landed on my feet the 2nd time.  (yeah, on my butt both times I tried, but hey, I tried right?)  Then we did one more time into the foam pit and called it a day.  We were both sweating ouot butts off!  That was definitely a workout!

Here's a quick shot Christine took of us after, when we were walking back to the car.

She is just too cute!  Love that she's always willing to do crazy things like Sky Zone or the Tomato Bash.  And she knows that I'm usually up for those crazy things too.  She's been crossing things off her bucket list left and right with me. 

I was pretty tired after that 40 minutes (not all of jumping either!) but I did go out for dinner with Jim last night.  Then we came home and watched some tv.

Last night I was able to sleep again, around midnight to about 9:30.  That was pretty good.  I needed it, even though I could nap again.  The fatigue is pretty frustrating.  I hate not having any energy.  Since getting out of bed around 10:30, I moved the sofa and haven't moved.  Its after 1pm now.  I feel like I'm just wasting days away.

My dreams last night were pretty rough.  Nightmares.  I've been having them pretty often lately.  Someone trying to kill me.  Last night it was some unknown group that was making plots to kill me and others.  A few were trying to help us, but it was hard to know who to trust.  I kept trying to escape but every time, it was a close super close call for me being found and killed.  I hate having dreams like that. 

I know that I have dreams like that when I'm worried.  My fears are after me and I'm running, hiding, and trying to escape.  Getting some help on the way, but having a hard time trusting people to help me and so afraid of my fears catching up to me and getting me.  I can't even escape it all, even in my sleep.  So I wake up grouchy and cranky and moody.

In theory, I know I need to focus on the positives and that I need to be happy for the good things in my life, but that is SO much easier to say than to do all the time.  And it isn't all day every day that I'm down.  I had a blast with Christine at SkyZone.  Dinner out last night was good too.  But when I sit and have time and think?  I get into my head.  Then the stories start and then the anxiety starts spinning and goes out of control.  That's when I get even more down.

My mood swings are triggered more when I'm stressed.  I've been trying to limit stress and that's not easy either.

So, I need to find things to do, to focus on, so I can get out of my head and stop obsessing about my fears.  That will help stop the anxiety as well and lower my stress level and keep me happier overall.  Plus it will keep everyone around me happier!  I won't be a crazy moody bitch!

Here's to being positive that I find something positive to focus on.  :)  Happy weekend.

Right now I feel like I'm in a strange place.  I want to move forward but I don't know where towards.  I don't know what steps to take.  I know I have to let go of things, but of which things? Which relationships? 

How do I move forward if I don't know where I want to go? 

Every year, as my birthday approaches, I seem to become very reflective.  Sort like New Year Resolutions, I always set an intention for my birthday year and goals for that year.  Maybe I take it a bit more than most with my birthday falling at the back to school time of year.  Early September always seems like a time of new beginnings for me.

The past year has been full of incredible challenges for me.  I know that I have changed.  I'm not the same person I was last Labor Day weekend.  So many relationships in my life have changed in the past year.  Old friends are back in my life.  Friends I had a year ago are no longer around.  And my personality has changed.

Those who know me will easily agree that I have never been a patient person.  If I made a decision or know that a task needs to be done, I do what it takes to complete it.  I put my all into it... immediately.  Why wait around?  If I want help with someone, I hate waiting.  I'll do what I can on my own.  Maybe that's how I became so independent.  I never had the patience to wait for anyone's assistance. 

But now?  My patience level is less and in different ways.  I have less patience with other people in my life.  Relationships are a give and take.  Not always 50/50, sometimes 25/75, but always a give and take.  I have had some people this year who I only hear from when I make contact or when I make plans.  This year.  While I was going through chemo and treatment and recovery.  My patience is pretty much gone in those situations. 

I know I haven't been easy to deal with, especially lately with a new med only 2 1/2 weeks old.  The hot flashes are back.  Leg pain has started up again, almost every night (why it LOVES to be in my left knee, I have NO idea) and Aleve hasn't helped so far.  I don't want to try anything stronger yet. 

And then there are the mood swings that this drug causes.  Yeah, I've been a peach for the past 2 weeks.  I go from happy to tears in seconds.  Toss in the issues with Jim while going through these side effects, and I've been all over the place.  I don't know which way is up right now. 

When I find little things that make me happy, I try to cling on to those.  So often I feel so down and insecure and scared.  I cling to whatever gives me any amount of joy or comfort. 

Having control in life is only an illusion.  There is no control.  Maybe that's why I could never do a 5 year plan and only focused on one year at a time.  Five years?  Too many outside influences can change too many small things and that plan, road map... gone and derailed.  No control. 

I had a plan in my life.  HA HA.  Look at me now.  Been out of work on disability since January 9th because of a bilateral mastectomy, followed by chemo and radiation.  I still nap every damn day.  When I have a "good day" with energy, I always seem to push it too much and end up toast the next day.  Tuesday was a good day this week.  I took Rocco for a walk in the park and did yoga at home too.  Wednesday?  I was on the sofa almost all day and didn't take a shower until after 7pm. 

But now I'm scared.  I can't stop thinking about having an abnormal pap and now needing to check for cervical cancer.  That procedure is 4 weeks from today.  Then only 2 1/2 weeks later I will have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed on Columbus Day, October 14th.  I may have mentioned (chemo brain f'ing SUCKS) that  with the preventative surgery having ovaries and fallopian tubes removed, 5% of the time cancer is found.  If its grade 3, even at stage 1, I would need chemo again. 

All that I can think about is that right now I have cancer inside of me again.  A different kind, in a different place, unrelated to what I have already been through.  And I will need to start treatment all over again.  Do I have cervical cancer right now?  Do I have ovarian cancer right now?  I could. 

Hearing, "it tested positive for cancer" once makes it a possibility for everything that could ever happen again.  Every ache or pain... did it spread?  Is it back?  Is it somewhere else? 

I've heard and read that these reactions, these fears... they are normal.  Great.  Somehow that is not comforting. 

So now I feel stuck.  Where am I going?  What do I want my next year to look like?  What will 39 be like for me?  What goals do I set and work towards?  What direction do I go?

I know I want to be cancer free and I am doing all I can to make sure that is the case.  That's why I'm taking this new drug with the horrible side effects.  That's why I am having a test done in 4 weeks to check for cervical cancer.  That's why I'm having my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed.  That's why I'm trying to start exercising again and changing my diet to more organic and whole foods.  I want to do whatever I can do within my power to NEVER again have to go through what I have been through in the past year. 

Okay... so I want to be cancer free.  I am working on that now and doing what I can do for that, making those changes in my life.  But what else?  What else do I want to do?  What other goals do I have?  Where to I want to go?  What do I want to do with my life?  Who do I want to be?

I don't know. 

I want to be happy.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want my confidence back.  I want to have self esteem again.  I want to feel attractive.  And right now I have very very few of these in my life. 

Sometimes I'm happy.  I have some happy moments.  Mostly I'm anxious or tired. 

Sometimes I feel good about myself, like when I finish a good walk with Rocco or yoga, or when I complete something I have been working on. 

I don't have my confidence.  I don't have my self esteem.  I used to have so much and I miss it so much.  I feel afraid of so many things now.  I am not secure enough in myself for too many things.  My feet are so weak in the morning, I won't walk on stairs.  My vision can be funky still between chemo and this new drug.  Plus fatigue and chemo brain.  I will drive places I know, when it is daytime.  I don't like driving at night and I HATE going new places I am not familiar with.  Driving longer distances is still hard too.  I just get SO tired.  I never had an issue going places... it was just road rage before!

And feeling attractive?  Yeah, that's a joke.  I got an email from Old Navy today with 40% off of jeans.  I was thinking of buying a pair since I have such a limited wardrobe right now.  If I do, it would be 3 sizes bigger than what I was wearing a year ago.  Yup, up 3 f'ing sizes.  Toss in loss of muscle, the scars and my change in hairstyles?  No, I don't feel attractive.

It used to be a joke that the worse I looked, the nastier I was from working out, the more I got hit on.  I would finish a kickboxing class, be dripping in sweat, wearing my gym clothes, and stop to grab something to eat on the way home.  More often than not, someone would either flirt with me, hit on me, or flat out ask me out. 

I don't remember the last time someone flirted with me.  Why would anyone?  I'm overweight and have the "I finished chemo" hairstyle going. 

After my weekend away in Utah, I'm keeping in touch with most of the women I spent the weekend with, mostly through email.  One email I got the other day was almost hard for me to read, and it shouldn't be.  She said:



I was going to tell you I couldn't believe how beautiful you are with long blonde hair. And now your a short haired gorgeous warrior!  I know you said you were suffering from self image things but you shouldn't cause you're beautiful. But I do understand that I have a feeling the same way . Don't forget there's many out there like you and me and it's such a change in our room in our world but just know you're beautiful .


I don't think I'm beautiful.  I think my long blonde hair was beautiful. I think my body looked pretty good when I was thin and fit.  But now?  No.  I don't think I'm beautiful.  And I have a hard time hearing others say that to me. 

SO now I need to figure out what I want out of my life.  Where do I want to go and who do I want around me?  What do I want my life to look like in a year, in addition to me being cancer free? 

I have no freakin idea and that scares the crap out of me. 

Weekend in the Clouds

This past weekend was amazing.  I didn't even know how much I needed it.  What an absolutely wonderful experience!  If you have gone through breast cancer or if you know someone who has, this is so highly recommended.  Here is the website for more information:
http://imagerebornfoundation.org/

To say the resort we stayed at was beautiful is such an understatement.  We had 2 suits in this mountainside resort.  The building itself was sort of "V" shaped.  I was in Room # 702, right at the point of the "V". 
 

This is the emergency exit plan on the wall that I took the picture of. 

The door to 702 is right at the corner.  The little backwards "C" is the curving staircase that leads up to the master bedroom and master bath (plus the media room, but we didn't use that).  Right where the red dot for "you are here" is, well, that's the 1st floor of the suit.  Upstairs, so technically on the 8th floor, was my bedroom, the master bedroom, right at the point of the V overlooking the whole valley.  WOW!

Here is an outdoor shot of the Canyons Ranch Resort which we were in.

 From this picture, which I copied from their website, the point of the "V",  ^ right there, was where we were.  The 5th, 6th and 7th floors have all windows pointing out.  And above those sets of square windows is the roof gable wall of windows.  THAT was my bedroom for the weekend.  WOW!

Here are a few pictures of the bedroom and bathroom I had... and YES I took a bath!  How could I NOT? 

Yes, two window seats looking out on either side with the WALL of windows on the other wall, well minus the fireplace in the middle. 

On Saturday morning, I woke up SO early.  But being 2 hours behind what I was used to, I guess not too bad.  Anyway, I was up for sunrise.  It was foggy over the valley below.  WOW, talk about breathtaking! 

So its no wonder that I got to just be this weekend. 

They had a nutritionist, restorative yoga class, "sex"pert, photographer, as well as giving us facials and massages.  We were just treated.  The only rule they had was we couldn't do anything.  We weren't allowed to help.  Not prep dinner, clean up, move anything.  Their whole premise is to just take care of women who have gone through breast cancer, to pamper them.  And pamper they did! 

It was so nice to meet and bond with other women who just "get it".  We could laugh together about how all of us have chemo brain (one even a full year out!).  We also laughed when the "sex"pert pulled out the big purple vibrating penis.  That was interesting.  :)

But we also cried and supported each other.  We understand each other in a way that not too many others do.  Under 40, breast cancer, chemo, radiation, all the wonderful side effects associated with each. 

One thing I noticed is that each of us talked of the incredible support we received, and so much from unexpected places.  People we had lost touch with who came back, one was living in Germany where her husband worked.  Her mom dropped everything and spent 2 months living with them in Germany to help care for her four (yes, four!) children.  Another woman, her husbands coworkers sent so many meals over for them, people she didn't know!  She was also breast feeding and found organizations and networks of women to donate breast milk for her son, since she was unable to breast feed while going through chemo.

We all also had those who disappointed us, or those we expected to be more supportive who just weren't.  One woman said a very good friend told her, "I'm sorry, I just can't do it." 

One thing that was interesting happened when we were talking about how hard it is to ask for help.  We try and when we ask, it was when we REALLY needed it, since it was so hard to ask for in the first place.  I shared my story.... of two people who were friends.  The first email which said I only communicate when I want something, I guilt her into doing things and maybe I would get more help if I didn't ask.  I also shared that the next day I was emailing with another friend when I said how depressed I was and that I was basically suicidal.  The response was, "I don't want to say the wrong thing, so I will leave it there".  And when I was venting about all of it, without names or specifics, on my blog, that I used to get the emotional craziness that all of us understood, out of my head, she didn't like it, copied and pasted and highlighted parts she didn't like to point out how I was wrong and then she replied to me and cc'd in another 9 people.

The first thing they told me (and after only my story of the first email) was, "You are NOT friends with this person anymore, right? OH MY GOD!  She knew you were going through chemo? For breast cancer?  And she STILL said all that?  WOW!"

They were all completely blown away when I shared the story of the 2nd email.  They understood how you don't know people until a crisis hits.  It is just shocking, in good ways and in bad, who is there and who isn't or worse.

It was really nice for me to be with women who understood how I felt after both of those situations.  They completely got the fear, anxiety, loneliness, stress, doubt, anger, and all the other emotions that come along with breast cancer, the treatment and the wonderful world of side effects.  They understood how the 2-4am time can be the worst, the most scary time.  When your biggest fears are right in your face and you are completely alone to see it all.  They just got it. 

We all had our different stories, different lives.  One is 36, married with 4 kids, diagnosed while breast feeding her youngest.  She had a bilateral with expander, then had chemo and radiation.  Her swap out surgery for her permanent implants was in February.  She was living in Germany when she was diagnosed and treated and but is back in the US now. She was stage II.

Another is also married, with 2 kids and she is 38 years old.  She was diagnosed while she was 22 weeks pregnant with her son.  She had to make the decision, within 2 weeks, if she wanted to keep the pregnancy or terminate since abortions are not allowed after 24 weeks.  She started AC chemo while she was pregnant.  Had her son and 2 weeks later had a single mastectomy with lymph nodes removed.  Then she went through more chemo, followed by radiation which she had horrible burns from.  She hasn't had any reconstruction yet.  She was stage III.

One other was stage II.  She had a lumpectomy without clear margins.  She needed a second lumpectomy and had lymph node dissection and her port put in all during that second surgery.  She is 34, single and no kids.  She stayed with her parents after surgery and for a few days after each chemo treatment.  

The last was with her boyfriend and has 2 children.  Her daughter is 4 and her son is 1.  She felt a lump while she was breastfeeding but they told her it was just because she was breastfeeding.  Besides, at 31, how could it be breast cancer?  Her son was 5 months by the time she was diagnosed.  After her scans, they found cancer in her bones, liver and brain, along with her breast.  She had chemo and stopped that for them to start radiation on her brain.  Many of her tumors shrunk during chemo and none were showing on her liver when she stopped chemo.  But now they are back in her breast and she is starting more chemo next week.  She will be 33 in the fall and she is stage IV. 

They are all beautiful, strong, compassionate, funny, courageous, loving women who are in a club that none of us wanted to join.  But there we were, trading stories and tears and laughter, sitting in big fluffy white robes, relaxed and peaceful after our facials and massages passing vibrating cock rings around the room that looked out over the beautiful mountains and valley below. 

I am so grateful for the weekend.  For the first time in a very very long time, I felt content. There is no other word that could better describe it.  I was just content.  I could just be.  There were no expectations on me, no where I had to be, no one I had to talk to, nothing I had to do.  I could just sit and just be.  I was content. 

Now I want to see how I can take that feeling with me and continue to feel that way in real life, away from 7000 feet elevation, and back to my reality.  I need to find a way to tap into that experience and feel that sort of peace. 

Saturday morning I woke up and saw the sun rise over the mountains and sat in awe at the beauty out my windows.  When the sun was up, I went into the luxurious bathroom and took a bath.  While I was in there, I pulled up Enya on my playlist.  Later that afternoon, while I was laying in my robe having the most incredible facial, Enya was also playing. 

Now I know that going forward, whenever I hear Enya I will instantly be brought back to the mountains in Park City, Utah. 

Emotional Week

The past week has been emotional to say the least.  Last Friday night SUCKED, to say the very least about it.  Saturday morning I felt like I was on egg shells around the house.  I didn't know how to BE.  Here I was, living with the man I want to be with but we weren't together.  It wasn't easy.

I was SO grateful I had signed up for The Tomato Bash with my friend Christine.  Literally, the point is to bash tomatoes into people.  Nice, huh?  It really was a fun afternoon and nice to get my mind off of things for a little while. 

It was after 5 when I got home from that with Christine.  I immediately got out of my clothes and showered.  Jim wanted to see the pictures I took and it was again difficult.  I just didn't know how to BE with him.

That night, I didn't have any plans.  I would have been with him.  We watched a movie.  He headed out early on Sunday to go shopping for his nephews birthday gift.  It was a joint party for the 2 kids (Mason was 2, Kailey was 5).  I had already bought all of Kailey's gifts and on Saturday made the fruit dip for Jim to bring with him to the party.

While he was out shopping, I called back his mom, who had me in tears.  She had been crying all day Saturday and was devastated.  She told me that I was part of their family.  She had been praying that things would work out between us and for me to believe in that.   Their whole family was upset and that was all that everyone was talking about.  Jim's aunts and cousins.... they all love me and couldn't believe it. She told me that no matter what happened with Jim and I, I could still call her or still come by, even if we weren't together.  They loved me separate of me being with Jim. 

The part that really go me (not that all of that wasn't enough anyway!) was when she told me that when she was pregnant with Jim's younger brother, if he was a girl, his name would have been Julie.  When Jim and started dating, when things were more serious and I was "around" with their family, her cousin told her, "well, now you finally have your Julie".

I knew that his family liked me and I knew that his mom liked us together, but I didn't realize HOW much his family really cared.  Even with this year, with breast cancer, they have been amazing, but I didn't really know HOW much they really cared until this.  His mom had been crying since she first found out early on Saturday morning and she was crushed.  She said she wanted to shake him to knock some sense into him.

With the few friendship issues I have had this year, it was touching and heartwarming to know how much his whole family really does care about me.  His mom kept saying how great of person I am,  how nice and caring.  How I talk to everyone, fit right in and how I'm part of the family.  It was just nice to know that even though this year I had felt so down by some relationships and how I felt had been treated, Jim's family thought differently of me.  Even as hurtful as Saturday was, I needed to hear all of that from his mom so much.  I really felt love from her. 

Jim came back from shopping and started to wrap up the kids gifts.  I put together the dip and fruit for him to bring as well.  Before he left, I was almost in tears again.  I told him that I try to live by the "hit by a bus" rule.  If I was hit by a bus and taken out suddenly, I didn't want to leave any loose ends or anything unspoken. 

I told him that I loved him with everything that I have.  Whatever happens, I want him to find what it is that he looking for and I want him to be happy.  Yes, I want that to be with me, but I want him to be happy, even if it is without me.  I love him. 

He said we'd talk again when he got home from the party.  It was a long day.  I napped and watched tv and did nothing else. 

When he came home, we did talk.  He finally "gets" some of the things I have been saying for MONTHS.  We need unplugged time.  Yeah, we go to the 99 most Friday nights, but we talk to everyone there.  He's at the gym 3 nights a week after he worked ALL day and is working as soon as he gets home until he leaves for the gym.  The other nights, we are watching TV or a movie at home or we are at the movies.   We don't connect anymore.  We don't DO anything. 

SO he finally gets that now.  We need to DO things together.  I'm not the same as before, I don't have that energy yet, but we can work with what I have.  We can take Rocco for walks together.  We can work in the yard.  We can find other things to do together. 

He wanted to try to give things another shot and really try.  To DO things and to reconnect. 

I told him I needed to take things slow and see how they go.  The weekend crushed me and broke my heart.  I can't have him pulling away from me and saying he's out again.  He needs to really be IN.  All in. And I said that actions speak louder than words. 

We had unplugged time Monday night and Tuesday night, even though he was at the gym both nights and worked crazy both days.  He was going to plan something for us to DO together on Wednesday night.  I had really really high hopes.  I think I set the bar with my expectations pretty high, and that wasn't fair of me. 

He said it was hard for him to come up with something for during the week.  He wanted to take Rocco to the park first.  Well, it was 90 degrees on Wednesday.  That wouldn't be good for me or for Rocco.  As much as I liked that he wanted to do something like that,  had to say no to that. 

The other thing he wanted to do was to go out for dinner to a specific restaurant, where we had our first date.  Okay, so I don't love that place, don't love the food, but I thought it was sweet that he wanted to go where we went out the first night.  So okay, that would work.

We had fun at dinner, even with the tons of tvs showing 4 different things.  After dinner, we stopped at a couple of stores for a few things and headed home.  I didn't love that we watched tv when we got home, but he wanted to lay down together to do it.  He's trying, progress is there.

I have to watch what I do.  I know I'm not perfect.  I put too much pressure on Wednesday night.  I set the bar too high. 

This friggin new drug I'm on, Tamoxifen, its an estrogen blocker.  Shuts down the production of estrogen in my body.  So side effects include menopausal symptoms.  Wonderful, more emotional swings.  Yup, had a meltdown last night.  Major meltdown.  I didn't even realize I was having mood swings until the meltdown was in full force.  I went from happy to sad to angry to meltdown in under an hour.  SOBBING, unable to breathe, meltdown. 

Now its my turn to "get" it.  I get what he is going through.  I get that I have insane mood swings that I take out on him.  I get that I put so much pressure on him and can be negative much more than I am positive. 

As much as I tell everyone else how wonderful he is (other than this past weekend!), I need to tell JIM that.  He needs to hear that before I say it to anyone else.  I love him with everything I have to give.  I didn't know that loving someone this much was even possible, but it is, because I do.  I can't shut it off.  If him and I don't work out, I will forever have a whole in my heart.  The pieces will never be fully back together and my heart will always belong to him. 

SO.... I'm hopeful again.  We are still taking things slowly and seeing what happens, even after my meltdown last night.  I won't say we are "together" right now, I need to give that more time for both of us. 

Friday morning, my flight leaves at 5:45am to head to Utah for the weekend for a retreat.  It is with a group of women, all under 40 years old, who are breast cancer survivors.  I'll be right in Park City, Utah, and they will provide everything once I land in Salt Lake City.  We'll have massages, facials, meet with a nutritionist, do yoga and go hiking. It will be nice to connect with a group of women who get what I'm going through and to just get away.

I think this weekend will be good for Jim too, for him and for our relationship.  We need time away from each other and we haven't had much of that.  I don't do much these days.  I'm not out very often.  Its unusual for him to have any time home alone.  He needs that. 

I'm hoping that this weekend retreat for me will help me transition into getting back into life now that I'm done with treatment.  I'm also hoping that it will help to regenerate the relationship I have with Jim outside of him being my caregiver.  For us to be a couple who can just connect again. 

But that's where things are at.  I'm doing my best to be in the moment and not see too far out, but I'm hopeful.  I'm making an effort to watch my emotions and to let Jim know how much he means to me.

Heartbroken

Things with Jim and I have been rocky for a bit.  I know he's been under a ton of stress at work, especially since someone he works with had a stroke and Jim has been doing both of their jobs for several weeks now.  He worked all day then comes home and works some more.  He's been spent.

That poured over into our relationship.  Then there are my issues.

I feel like crap about myself.  I hate that I am not getting better now that treatment has ended.  I can put on a happy face and not bring others down, but the fatigue is so much.  It is so frustrating to take Rocco for a walk then come home and nap for 2 hours. 

The neuropathy has been challenging.  I wake up in the morning and it hurts to stand up.  Typing, holding a pen or anything with my hands, causes my fingers to be so sore within a short time.  I can't open my vitamin bottle in the morning, I don't have the strength.

I repeat myself all the time.  I don't know what I don't remember.  I know that Jim gets frustrated.  I know that I can't understand things like I used to.  I was always quick at picking things up.  I could understand things easily.  I don't anymore.  I don't have the focus or ability to understand and break down and absorb new information like that anymore.  Even watching a movie with a deep plot is too much for me. I get frustrated because I just don't understand it. 

And last week I started a new drug, Tamoxifen, with a new host of side effects.  I was crying most of the week.  The pain in my hands and feet is more intense and I'm more tired than I have been.  Oh yeah, then I got another hot flash yesterday too.  Been a bit since I've had one of those. 

Jim is cooked.  So he wants out.  He has nothing left to give.  So he broke up with me last night. 

I'm crushed.  Heartbroken.  I feel hollow, broken and empty.  I haven't stopped crying since last night. 

I know he loves me.  I also know that even though he broke up with me, he doesn't want to hurt me.  It is going to SUCK living with him and us not being together. 

We have had issues in the past, but this time is so much different.  And I've never made it a "public" thing before.  This time it is really for real.  And I hate that so much.  I don't know what to do now, how to move forward.  I just see all that I'm losing.

I'm not only losing the man that I love.  I'm losing my best friend.  I'm losing all the hopes and dreams that had for our future together.  I'm losing his family that has become my own.  He has become such a part of me, that I feel like I am losing a piece of myself. 

With still being on disability and my crazy medical bills, I can't afford to move right now.  So we are still living together.  And that is going to be so hard!  I told him that he can't tell me that he loves me and he can't kiss me.  We are roommates now. 

His mom saw it on facebook, so did so many in his family.  His mom called and left me a voice mail.  She was in tears.  She was texting me this morning and called Jim and was upset with him about it too.  Jim's sister-in-law texted me too.  They still want me to go to the kids' birthday party tomorrow, but how can I do that?  I'd be a MESS.  I can't sit there crying the whole day and ruin their birthday party.  That's just not right. 

So now I'm left, heartbroken and so sad.  I'm just an empty shell.  My spirit has been broken.  I have nothing left. 

I love him so much.  SO much.  I love him with every piece of me.  I would do anything for him.  I just don't know how to move forward from here.

His mom said she is hoping this is just a bump in the road and we will be back together soon.  We've had bumps before.  This is a friggin MOUNTAIN in the road.  This is so different.  I'm different.  He's different. 

I want him to find whatever it is that he needs in his life, with or without me.  I want him to be happy.  I truly want that for him.  My ship for happiness has sailed and left me behind.  That just isn't in the cards for me.  Jim isn't perfect, but as I have said before, he is the perfect person for me.  And if this can't work, then I am just not meant to be with anyone. 

Another few things added into the loss column for the year I was 38.  I don't know if I have ever looked more forward to a birthday in my life.  38 has been HORRIBLE.  39 HAS to be better.  3 weeks and 2 days until my birthday.  I can't even imagine what could happen in that time. 

Balancing Act

After months of dealing with fatigue, you'd think I'd have a more realistic way of managing.  Nope!  I make plans and go with it.  Then suffer. 

Yesterday I headed up to my home town to meet my dad.  We went over to the pond to go kayaking with the free passes he picked up at the library.  Not a bad deal.  Instead of $15/hour for each kayak, we were on the pond for about an hour and a half in the 2 kayaks for free.  The worst part is, I NEVER knew that they did this!  And it was really a ton of fun. 

I saw, "on the pond" and not kayaking for those 90 minutes.  First off, dad had never been in a kayak before yesterday.  I think he was a little nervous about tipping over, but got the hang of it.  But he also doesn't exercise, unless you count his weekly golf league.  So we did go slow when we went around the pond.  That was really good for me.  Otherwise, I would have been flying around there, then suffering later for being so sore. 

Also, we just sort of floated for a bit.  It was such a nice day out.  Instead of heading in after our slow loop of the pond (with some coasting here and there along the way), we just sat in the kayaks and watched the sailboats and other kayaks for a bit as we sat in the sun.  It was nice. 

But after the 90 minutes, I was done.  We left there, stopped at my parents house for a quick change, bathroom break and for me to grab glasses since I only had sunglasses, then we went out for lunch.  It was a really nice change for me and good to hang out with my dad.  Then I started to crash.

Since I was up in my old hometown, I had made some last minute plans with a friend of mine to meet her after she got out of work.  I guess she knew better than me!  When I texted her to cancel, she already figured that after kayaking I would be exhausted.  Wish I knew that and didn't expect more from myself.  I just knew if I went out with her, then by the time I headed home after rush hour traffic, it would still take me a while to get home and I wouldn't be home until after 8:30.  That was TOO late for me, as tired as I was at 2pm.

I stopped by Jim's aunt's house for a quick visit to see how she made out after her 2nd round of chemo on Wednesday.  She had her head shaved within that past week and was wearing her wig when I was over.  The "real hair" wig looked AMAZING!  I never ever would have known it was a wig if she didn't tell me that she had shaved her head. 

Funny in a weird way... she said it had been really hard when her hair was thinning and just losing it in general.  I told her, "And when people would say, 'It will grow back!' I would get so mad!  How about I shave off YOUR head against your will and then tell YOU that it will grow back?  Would that make losing it any easier??"  His aunt completely understood that now.  I wish she didn't understand it though. 

Another one she gets now is the whole "being strong" thing.  I told her how everyone would say that to me and all I could think about was, what choice do I really have?  Either I do or I don't.  His aunt said, "yeah, and I don't like the alternative."  Yup!  Either you do what you have to do for treatment, or you don't and then you die.  So really, what are the options?  Do or don't.  Get treatment or die from cancer is a certainty.  It isn't really about being strong, its about not wanting to die.

When I left her house around 3:45, which is sort of near the high school I went to, I headed home.  It was about 4pm by the time I got through town to the highway to head south through the city to get home.  JOY!   I cannot believe the amount of traffic I hit going home!  And not even just getting home, just getting through the city. 

The mileage on my car hit 50,000 miles on my way home.  I noticed when it was at 49,999 and took a quick picture of it on my phone. I texted Jim at 4:28 when I was in the tunnel. (for those in the Boston area, when I hung up a call near the Somerville theater, it was 4:04. I was IN the tunnel and sent the text at 4:28!)  I took another picture at 50,000 miles and was STILL in the tunnel when I called Jim at 4:35.  It took me more than 7 minutes to drive one FREAKIN mile! 

Not that I EVER ran fast, but there are many runners who RUN faster than what I was driving on a 4 lane highway. 

When I called Jim at that point, it was to have someone to talk to.  I was so tired and drained, I was really afraid that I was going to fall asleep in my car while I was driving.  I was so completely and totally exhausted.  I almost started crying when I kept hitting lights after finally getting off the highway near home.  I just wanted to go home.  It was 5:45 when I walked in the door.  TWO HOURS! 

Yeah, I did start crying last night.  Not sure over what really.  Something stupid Jim said.  And my answer was just, "I'm tired." and then I started crying. 

So yup, I pushed WAY too much yesterday.  A very slow easy 60 minutes of kayaking followed by 30 minutes of sitting on the water, then lunch and maybe an hour visit with Jim's aunt, then a 2 hour drive home.  I was in bed before 10pm last night. 

Of course, I was up before Jim's alarm went off at 6am.  Got up, had my coffee and cereal, took my pills, now I'm on the sofa. 

At least I have figured out that pushing it two days in a row is too much for me.  I might not have figured out what it too much in one single day, but I know that I if I do a bit on one day, then I need to go easy the next.  Today is go easy day. 

I just have a doctor appointment with the Endocrinologist this morning for a follow up on my thyroid levels.  They were off in April or May but she thought that was because of the steroids that I was on during chemo.  My blood was tested after I took 20mg Monday night, then 20mg more on Tuesday morning.  Then blood work.  But when I had blood work that Friday, my levels were normal again. 

On Wednesday I went for my blood work, so she will have the results of those when I come in today to see her.  Hopefully it will be VERY quick.  But still.... a $25 copay to be in and out of there. 

Then I'll come home and nap. 

IF I get energy, I will take my Ikea wicker chairs outside and use the black spray paint on them.  Or I will try to sand down the table a little more that I worked on the other day.  I like seeing progress on the front entry way.  It looks nice. 

And, I'm still trying to talk Jim into another dog.  I think Rocco needs company, plus I really want to have another dog in the house.  Rocco is Jim's dog.  I want one too.  When Jim gets home, I don't exist anymore for Rocco.  If Jim falls asleep on the sofa, Rocco sleeps in the living room with him.  I want a dog who sees me like that.  My cats were like that and would sleep with me when I had my own place, but Jim is allergic and Rocco would eat them.  I go and hang out with them, but it isn't the same thing.  They can't sleep and snuggle up with me. 

I found a dog I want on PetFinder.  Right now he's in TN.  He's an American Bulldog/Lab mix.  They estimate he was born in mid May.  When they found him and his sister, his eye was injured.  No remaining or long term issues, but he's blind in that eye.  Peanut looks more Lab and his sister, Poppy looks more American Bulldog.

Here's a few pics of the 2 dogs plus some of yesterday from kayaking.

Peanut, the dog I want SO much.  How cut is he???  Look at the ears and the tongue!

Don't you just love this expression?  LOVE the ears and the pose!  He looks like a stuffed animal!

Poppy the puppy, Peanuts sister.

The highway view from the pond. 

Dad getting comfortable on the water.

 

A closer look at the rock visible from the highway, covered in birds. 

Another one of dad chilling in the calm water. 

Not bad for a selfie on the water!

Nice look across the pond. 

Quick

I'm still REALLY fighting fatigue.  That is so hard to adjust to.  I'm trying to find the right balance, but I haven't yet. 

Monday morning I was up with Jim at 6am and did a few things around the house that morning.  I ended up taking the dog for a walk too and didn't take a nap at all   Then Tuesday?  Again, I was up with Jim at 6am, but back in bed 7am-11am.  And then I was on the recliner and didn't move until after Jim was home around 5pm.  That was my ENTIRE day.  I was exhausted.  From a walk and no nap! 

It has been so frustrating to not do anything. 

Last week I did a little super cheap shopping for a few things for the front entry way.  Its such a big open area but it was empty and depressing and basically a dumping ground for things heading in or out of the house.  So I cleared out a few things, bought a few things (places like Walmart, Ikea and Building 19) and its almost done.  Yesterday I picked up a mirror at Home Depot for $15, and some sandpaper too.  I have an old end table that was in my grandparents house that I started to sand down before I paint it black.

The rug I bought is nice, then 2 chairs, cushions (purple), a desk and an end table (both in black), a plant, a couple of black frames and then I blew up a couple of pictures for them.  Now I just have to use the black spray paint on the wicker chairs, then finish sanding down the other table and paint that black.  Jim said he'd get the rest of the mess out of the corners down there. 

Once that is done, I can just finish it up and make sure it is all placed right.  I did buy pillows at Ikea too, and some fabric at Building 19, along with some sewing stuff at Walmart.  The PLAN is to make pillow covers for those 18 x 11 pillows for the backs of the chairs.  PLAN.  I don't sew so who knows when that will end up happening.

But it does look nice down there.  Its all coming together and it was SO cheap to do it all.  Guess all my time watching HGTV and DIY has done something. 

What else??

Today I'm heading up to visit my dad. I talked him into getting a library card in that town and then getting one of the free passes the library offers.  So, with that free pass, we are going kayaking on the pond today.  It should be fun.  My first real exercising in a while, so we'll see how that goes.  At least I got a great nights sleep last night. 

I hope my back ends up holding okay.  I messed up my lower back last week after I put the desk from Walmart together.  I was bend over, sitting on the floor, as I was screwing the pieces together.  My lower back as sore within hours and I knew then that I would be in trouble.  Last night I took another Aleve and iced my lower back for about 20 minutes. 

This weekend should be fun.  I am doing the Tomato Bash with a friend of mine on Saturday afternoon.  Smash up tomatoes then toss them at people.  I'm not only bringing towels for the ride home, but adding in a couple of trash bags to cover the seats of my car!!!

Nervous this morning after watching the news.  Another wild fire out west and as of the news, it was only 25% contained.  The fire was started by lightening and is in Park City, Utah, just outside of Salt Lake City.  Well, I leave a week from tomorrow for the retreat that I'm going on.  Flying into Salt Lake City.  Guess what city I'm staying in?  Yup... Park City, Utah. 

Have I mentioned that I AM MURPHY!  I haven't gone away since Puerto Rico.  This is a retreat for women with breast cancer.  I have been looking forward to this for months.  And what happens?  A wild fire in the city I am staying in.  WONDERFUL!

Speaking of being Murphy.... I talked to the nurse in my gynecologic oncologist's office.  RoseMary.  My pap that they took on July 31st came back abnormal.  Could be from the chemo, could be the chemo suppressing my immune system and allowing other things to happen.  Could be early cervical cancer.  They don't know right now.  So, they want to do more testing.  I scheduled my colposcopy in September. 

She said it is like having a pap that takes longer.  Same scope, but they put a vinegar mixture in because that will react with the cells.  If the doctors sees anything, she'll do a biopsy right then and there.  (Great!  A biopsy up my who ha!) 

While I was on the phone with RoseMary, we went over the message she had left for me regarding my ovarian cancer ultrasound screening and CA-125 blood test.  Blood test normal, no markers for cancer.  Ultrasound showed cysts.  I would need more testing in a couple of months. 

I told her that with my anxiety and everything I have been through, on top of my family history.... I don't want to wait.  I want to schedule the Salpingo-Oopherectomy.  After she checked the doctors schedule, she called back.  My oncologist is booking into October at this point and surgeries are done on Monday's.  They are open on Columbus Day and can get me in that day.  I figured it would be one less day I would need to take off of work. 

RoseMary told me I would need at least a couple of days to recover, but if I'm working from home, I could realistically be working again by Thursday. 

And speaking of work... I have now emailed my boss 4 times in the past month.  Mid July I emailed her on a Wednesday, then forwarded the sent email again on Friday after no response.  Then I texted her that day.  She responded to the text that she got the emails and was going on vacation. 

Last week I forwarded the sent thread again but still no response.  I sent a 4th from that same thread on Tuesday of this week.  If I don't hear back by tomorrow I'm going to forward the thread to my HR person.  I don't want them to think I'm blowing them off if my boss isn't getting back to me. 

I don't even know if she's my boss anymore!!!  So may things have changed at work this year from what I have heard.  I don't know what job I'm going back to or who I'll be working for.  I hope it is a very similar position and I'm PRAYING that I can work from home!!!

Anyway... sitting on the sofa, under a blanket and in my pj's and I had wanted to leave my house to head to see dad in about 15 minutes from now.  Not sure that is going to happen with everything else I want to do around the house, including showering and getting a bag of stuff together to bring with me.  Oh well!!!!  I'm late for everything!!!

Who am I?

With so much of what I have read, many people become depressed or have a really difficult time when treatment is finished.  Everyone around this person is happy for them and excited she is DONE but now what?

Trust me, I am SO happy I am done with active treatment.  SO happy!!  But what now?  What's next?  Where do I go from here?

If I think back to last year, the second weekend in October, when I first found the lump.... it was just so long ago.  All I know is that I am NOT the same person I was back then.  So now, finishing treatment, it isn't like I can just step back into the life I had before cancer.  That life doesn't exist anymore.  The woman I was last October, she doesn't exist anymore. 

First, just with my physical appearance.  I don't have a picture of me from October, but I do have one shortly after, in mid November when I was in Puerto Rico.

 

Here is a picture of me from this past weekend, sitting next to my grandpa. (How cute is he?  Unbelievable that he's in his 90's!!)

So, in the past year, I'm up 20 pounds and 2 sizes.  My long, blonde, straight hair is gone and I'm growing in brown hair  My chest?  Dressed, I look like I have on a super padded bra my boobs are that much bigger.  Undressed?  Scars across each, one burnt. 

That is just the physical changes.  I've been to hell and back this year.  It sucked. I lost my memory and any sort of energy I had.  I haven't worked since January 9th.  The fatigue has been intense and I still nap most days.  If I don't it is only because I purposely force myself not to, like today.  I SO wanted to nap today but didn't.  

During the second half of chemo, I had some pretty strong pain and neuropathy.  I still get it sometimes.  When I'm sitting or laying for a long time, it is really hard for me to stand up.  I have pain in my feet and they are so weak. Or when I sit with my legs crossed, I have so much pain when I straighten them back out.  I can't just put them straight, I have to do it slowly.  In my hands, my fingers get really sore sometimes.  I try to shake it out or put them in a fist, but that hurts more. 

I still can't sleep on my stomach and I have to go easy using my chest muscles.  No pushups allowed for me.  I can even feel my chest muscles pulling from the expanders when I take a deep breath.  That's a weird one. 


Then there are the relationships in my life.  So many have changed.  Some friendships have ended and that was a really hard struggle for me.  I never ever would have expected things to happen the way they did.  I mean, it is friggin cancer.  You'd think that people would go easy on me.  Guess I expected too much from some people.

But at the same time, I reconnected with old friends, friends I hadn't spoken to in 7-10 years.  Those friends have made such a huge difference to me this year.  They have been wonderful sources of support to me.

Other friendships have also changed and become stronger.  I have learned so much about not only myself this year but about others as well.  cancer can bring out the best and the worst in people.  I have seen both.  I have friends who have spent lunch breaks visiting me at chemo or between appointments at the cancer center.  I have friends who have sent me at least a dozen cards, to wish me well and to let me know I am being thought of.  I have friends who messaged, emailed, called or texted me when I finished active treatment to congratulate me.  I even got two Edible Arrangements in the 2 days after I finished treatment!!  I'm not even sure how many cards I got!

I know I'm so lucky for the friendships that remain now.  They are stronger than ever and I appreciate them more than I ever thought possible.  I hope that I am even half of the friend to each of them that they have been to me.  It just means so much to have been treated so kindly and lovingly by so many.
Then Jim.  Talk about a relationship changing in ten months!!  When I was first diagnosed, he had just asked me to move in with him.  He has been by my side at all of my appointments, washed my hair in the kitchen sink after my surgery.  Colored my hair purple for me and a month later buzzed all that purple hair off.  He has held me when I cried, made me laugh until it hurts and pissed me off until I was screaming.

We have had some huge highs this year and really big lows too.  Chemo induced menopause, hot flashes, anxiety, chemo brain and home alone for days.  I was NUTS.  I know it has NOT been an easy year for him and that's saying it so lightly.  But here he is, still by my side.  Still holding me when I cry, making me laugh until it hurts and pissing me off until scream.

The other night we had one of those deep, intense, meaningful heart to hearts.  It was something I have needed and I am so grateful that we did.  I have felt so lost and scared about things, with worrying about ovarian cancer, thinking about going back to work, paying back at least $4000 for my medical insurance, not having ANY money come in for over 3 weeks and bills being due.... I have been slightly stressed.  But that conversation made things so much easier for me.

He had me in his arms and just held me.  He knows how much I love him.   I can't imagine that its possible to love him more.   I was worried about our future.  And he just started talking.  He told me that he has never met anyone who is a nicer person than me, that I am caring and thoughtful and loving.  That he knows how much I love him.  He said he loves me so much.  I am his best friend.  He is not going anywhere and he is right there.   And he leaned over and kissed my head as he held me in his arms. 

My relationship with Jim has gotten so much stronger.  We have had our troubles, but somehow we come through them each time even stronger than before. 

Other relationships that changed are my relationships with Jim's family.  The other day I took Rocco for a walk and took the cutest picture of him looking out at the water.  I sent his mom a text with that picture.  She calls me now and again to check in as well.  His dad always comments on my facebook page.  Jim's sister-in-law sends me messages too. 

Someone in his family was recently diagnosed with breast cancer as well.  Last week I called her to see how she was doing, and called when I had a long drive ahead of me, going to visit a friend.  Her and I were on the phone for over 45 minutes, just chatting away.  We stopped over to see her this past weekend too.  She's so sweet.  When we were leaving, she gave me a big hug and told me that she loved me. 

So, physically, I've changed.  The relationships in my life have changed. 

I also see the world differently now.  I never had a problem speaking my mind before, or for standing up for myself or jumping in to speak up for someone else.  That's just part of me.  But now?  It is so much stronger.  Good, bad or ugly, I speak my mind freely.  Life is too short to hold back, to be fake or to pretend.  This is me, love me or hate me. 

I care even less about what others think of me, but I still struggle when I feel put down, insulted or attacked.  I don't want to care.  I don't want to give my power away to others or to let how others treat me impact how I feel, but I still do.  It still happens. 

Now I am more aware of the people I have in my life.  I never had patience, but I have less now and less for people, bullshit or drama.  I have had so many difficulties this year.  I knew I had to control what I could about what was in my life.  I wouldn't even watch stressful movies!  Why would I choose to keep people in my life who cause those same feelings of anxiety?  I don't!  And I won't.  Not anymore and not again ever.  I have amazingly wonderful people in my life who are incredible friends.  I cherish those relationships.  Any new relationships will be with the same quality of people.  I don't want any bad energy in my life anymore.  I just won't tolerate it.   

So, who am I?  All of this, this is me.  I have changed SO much this year.  I am not the person I was 10 months ago.  Not even close.  I look different.  The relationships in my life are different.  Some people in my life are different.  My personality is different and my priorities are different. 

I am all of this.  I am all of the above.  Going forward, I will be on a different path than I thought I was on 10 months ago, but this path will lead me to bigger and better things than I could have ever imagined.  And to things I never could have experienced if I haven't had the challenges of the past 10 months in my life.

Who am I???

I am honest, loving, loud, caring, determined, strong-willed, adventurous, open-minded, nice, thoughtful, judgmental, demanding, crazy and absolutely FULL OF LIFE!  I am ME!  :)

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

The other day, when I wrote, I had so much on my mind about my risks for ovarian cancer.  I had the appointment with the gynecologic oncologist the day before as well as a blood test and had just scheduled the ultrasound, which is tomorrow morning.

Yes, I'm still nervous, but not as much as I was on Thursday morning when I wrote. 

I have always believed in signs.  I'm not a religious person, but I am still spiritual.  I believe in an afterlife.  I still talk out loud to family members who have passed and so many times I have felt their presence around me.  When I want answers, I have asked for help and other times have asked for signs. 

One example of that happened many years ago.  I was going through a rough time.  One of those where it seems like everything is going wrong all at once.  I remember sitting on my sofa in my tiny ground level apartment, with my kittens sleeping next to me.  I was upset and crying.  I remember I just kept saying over and over and over, "Oh my God, what am I going to do?  Oh my God, what am I going to do?"

All of a sudden there was a loud bang.  My cats woke up and jumped right off the sofa.  It scared the crap out of me!  It sounded like someone on the front apartment building stairs had thrown a stick or rock or something on top of my built in air conditioner unit.  I got off the sofa, walked over to my sliding glass door and looked outside towards the AC unit.  

Sitting on top of the AC were two gray doves. 

I looked up at the sky and said, "Okay, heard it.  Everything is going to be okay.  Thank you.  Got it." 

How's that for a message?  Asking "Oh my God, what am I going to do?" and stopping when two doves pound down on my AC unit in response. 

Another example of that happened shortly after my grandfather passed away.  He had been in the hospital for about month and died before my grandmother had to make any decisions while he was in ICU.  Like the stubborn Irishman he was, no one was going to tell him what to do, even down to choosing when he was going to go. 

The day of his funeral, we all met at the funeral home.  The family walked together across the street to the church for his funeral mass.  While I was crossing the street with my cousin next to me, dressed in a kilt was a man playing "Amazing Grace" on a bagpipe.  I remember walking across the street and in my head, telling my grandfather that I wanted to know that he was okay.  I asked for some sort of sign from him to let me know, something that I would understand. 

The following weekend I was out with a friend listening to an Alternative/Classic Rock cover band we loved at a bar in downtown Manchester, NH.  Dancing and drinking the night away to songs like "Crazy Bitch", "You Shook Me All Night Long" and "Bodies", around midnight, the band stopped mid set. 

The police axillary was there.  They had guys in kilts playing Irish Music with women dressed and doing Irish Step Dancing.  After two of those Irish songs, they stopped.  Then the bagpipes started playing "Amazing Grace".  At a bar in downtown Manchester, NH after midnight on a Saturday night, in the middle of the set for an Alternative/Classic Rock cover band. 

I had tears streaming down my face.  I knew that was my grandfather.  Yup, it was a sign I completely understood. 

Well, on Wednesday night, after I got home from my appointment with the gynecologic oncologist, my head was spinning.  Having a prophylactic salpingo-oophorectomy shows cancer 5% of the time?  I had a 5-10% chance of being BRCA +.  My mammograms were clear.  My lymph nodes had a low risk of involvement.  I AM MURPHY!  I was trying so hard to not freak out.

That night, I was still upset.  Jim fell right to sleep.  I was laying in bed for hours. 

That was when I started talking to my grandmother.  I thought my cousin Louise, who was 38 when she was diagnosed.  I was scared.  And I did not want to wait possibly a week to hear anything, after having my ultrasound then getting those results.  I couldn't do it. 

I wanted a sign. 

So I asked my grandmother and then Louise to give me a sign.  I wanted a sign to let me know that I was cancer free and did not have any stage of ovarian cancer and that I would not have to go through chemo a second time for a second cancer. 

When I was little, Louise owned a hair salon.  I remember so many times going to her with my long hair and holding strands of hair while she put beautiful French braids down my head.  I have no idea how many times she braided my hair, but it was a lot!

SO that is what I asked for.  "Louise, I need a sign that I am okay.  If I am okay and cancer free and won't need chemo, I know what I want for a sign.  A funky French braid that I will notice.  And that will tell me that I am okay."

Thursday morning, I was home and that's when I last wrote. I had an appointment for a massage at Dana Farber at 11am which was amazing and luckily I was able to put my thoughts and fear of ovarian cancer and the possibility of more chemo out of my mind.  

That afternoon I went to visit a friend and to see her new house.  We were both hungry so we went to a take out place to order lunch and bring it back to her house.  We sat in the seats at the front window, chatting away, while we were waiting for our lunch.  The order counter was right in front of where I was sitting.

Then this girl walked in to do the same thing as us.... order food to go.  The girl had this weird top on that I didn't like.  That's what first got my attention when she walked in.  Then she headed over to the counter to order and I was looking to see the back of this shirt that I didn't like.  And then I noticed her hair. 

She had this sort of half French braid in, that ended in this funky bun.  It was cool. 

My sign!  Thank you Louise.  I'm going to be okay.  I'm cancer free, my ovaries will be okay and I won't need to go through chemo again.  I got my sign.

I'm DONE!!

July was rough for me.  I was still trying to recover from the fatigue from chemo when the fatigue from radiation started in.  Just showing, getting ready and going for radiation every single day was exhausting.  Someone said it to me really well, everything is an effort.  SO true.

When the heat wave hit for the third time this summer with 5+ days over 90 degrees, so many people started to say that all they wanted to do was lay down.  The heat was too much and they had no energy for anything.  Well, that has been my life for months.  That's the closest I can explain how I feel every single day, but to an even stronger degree.  Sometimes even the thought of getting off the sofa to shower is too much for me. 

Last Thursday, July 25th, was my last day of active treatment!!  YAY!!  I finished!!  I had one of the radiation techs grab a picture of me on the table when I finished my last treatment. 

On the far left side, that big giant gray thing... that's where the radiation came from.  They described it like a giant mixer.  That top part spins around me to move to the different areas that I was having radiated. 

I would lay on that table, take my arms out of the johnny and my arms were up over my head and resting in what is covered by the sheet.  They would move me around on that table to get me lined up for radiation to be in the EXACT places it needed to be. 

Now?  Pretty burned.  I got a prescription to help with the discomfort.  One good thing from being so uncomfortable... I was supposed to be wearing a bra 24/7 per my plastic surgeon.  Both her and my radiation oncologist told me NO bra at all.  My skin needs to heal up from the damage that was done during radiation.  That's been kind of nice.  Not that the boobs go anywhere with these expanders and all anyway. 

Funny thing about that.  The expanders are TIGHT.  They are under the muscles on my chest and sometimes when I move, I can feel the muscles tighten even more.  Its almost like something is pulling on my chest.  Well, now and again, I forget that I'm not wearing a bra anymore.  I get uncomfortable from the expanders and try to adjust the bra strap that isn't there.  Oh yeah!  I'm not wearing a bra!  Nothing there to adjust, just those fun expanders for another 6 months.

BUT, the day after radiation finished, I was back at my plastic surgeon's office.  She filled leftie back up to pre-radiation levels.  I'm hoping when I go back in a month she'll give leftie another little boost up.  Still not even but at least I no longer need to put an old cut up padded bra inside my bra on leftie's side to even the girls out.  Literally, 150cc's difference between the two.  Leftie was a B cup and Rightie is a D! That's a bit of a difference!

The burns.... not fun.  It started on my back first.  I was thinking something was in the back of my seat in my car because it hit me just the right way, right where the radiation was exiting my body.  It sort of felt like I was bruised on my back.  Then I realized it was the radiation.

After that, it was on the side of my body, under my arm first.  That's why I had to stop wearing a bra.  It was rubbing against my skin and making things worse.  Another itchy area is on my clavicle bone on my right side.  Because there are lymph nodes there, I got some radiation there too.  That is where is it the brightest red now. 

It is amazing at how precise they are with the radiation. I have an exact straight line of where it was on my body.  Perfectly straight across my chest.  They told me that forever, that area of my skin will be more sensitive to the sun.  I'll get darker there, more than on the rest of my chest.  Wonderful. 

NOT easy to get a picture of the burns, trying to keep my scars covered and not have my face in the picture!  WOW, that took some time (plus trying to keep the new rolls out of the picture too!).  But this is what I have to share.... a picture of the square burns plus the small one on my clavicle bone.

Like I said, VERY precise!  Perfect straight lines. 

Right now the spot that is the most sore is right under my boob.  Its like a bad sunburn with the skin about to flake off.  I keep putting on the creams a few times a day and it is helping a little... good thing. 

Otherwise.... just trying to recover.  I'm doing what my body needs to heal.  Still sleeping ALL the time.  I went out with a friend the other night, just a few hours and nothing crazy (we did Paint Nite) and I was in bed by 10:15.  I woke up at 10:15am!  Knocked me out!  So I still have to take it easy.

I'm hoping that next week I will have a little more energy to start exercising again.  Poor Rocco is dying for me to start walking him again.  I miss it too, but I just don't have the energy for it most days. 

The day I finished radiation, I was out with my friend Melissa that afternoon.  We had fun hanging out and I REALLY appreciate how she is on top of getting a date for when we are getting together again.  I was good at that once upon a time. 

The next day was at the plastic surgeon for the recovery of leftie.  Jim came with me and we hit a very early movie on Friday night, Red 2.  I really liked it.  I liked Red too though.  Saturday morning we were up early and headed down to Foxboro for training camp.  HOLY COW was it mobbed.  Not like when we went 2 years ago.  Hard to see and we only stayed for under 45 minutes.  Then we walked around Patriots Place for a while.  Jim got me a new Pat's T-shirt at the Pro Shop too.  He was so sweet about my celebration weekend.  :)

He cooked a late lunch and dinner that day for me at home.  Sunday morning we were just relaxing at home most of the day and were back at the movies that night (Wolverine II, he's a fan, I saw it for him.  Neither of us loved it.  We could have waited for iTunes to see it). 

The beginning of this week was quiet.  Chiro on Monday morning for my back issues that started up again (not easy for him to do an adjustment when he can't really push down on my back.  Bad enough I have towels rolled up over and under my boobs so they hang and aren't squished on the table!)  Tuesday I used a massage gift certificate and it felt amazing!  That night was Paint Nite with Jen and it was SO much fun.  Here's a picture of our final products. 

I have it hanging up in the living room already and I can't wait to go back to another one.  SO much fun!! 

Yesterday, Wednesday, was the stressful day of the week.  Another new doctor, more tests and within a year, another surgery.  Most of that I knew.  Monday I go back for an ultrasound for more testing and hopefully all will be good to go.  I already have my appointments booked for followup in January with her and for another ultrasound.  And at that point I can schedule the surgery I'll need, in addition to the swap out expanders for implants surgery.  

But that's all on the expectation that all is good with yesterdays tests and Monday's ultrasound. 

Last night when I was worried and stressed about it, Jim said he wanted to say that everything would be okay, but when does, its not. 

I had to remind him, I'm Murphy.  As in Murphy's Law.  If it CAN happen, it will.  Murphy's Law.  I'm Murphy. 

I found a lump.  Probably nothing, but lets do a mammogram and ultrasound.  Ultrasound found something.  Biopsy will probably be fine, most are nothing.  Not nothing, was cancer. 

Putting an IUD in is just an office procedure, no big deal.  I needed an ultrasound to see if they perforated my uterus because of the pain I was in.  Turns out, my uterus is curved and the IUD doesn't curve.  Found that out on the second one they tried to put in. 

Then surgery.  Not expecting any lymph nodes.  Nope.  Not me.  Tested positive, so needed them removed.  What about lymphodema?  VERY low risk, I shouldn't need a sleeve.  Hmmm... already started swelling at times and will need to wear not only a sleeve, but a glove when I exercise.

Not sure what else to include, cuz there are SO many things that I could mention.  If it COULD, it WILL.  My wrist surgery last September... VERY rare for tendons to react to metal the way mine did.  No surprise to me!

I like to say I'm unique.  Truth is... HA HA! Unique?  Okay!

So yeah, small chance that anything is wrong with the testing yesterday and ultrasound on Monday, but a chance.  And with me?  I'm expecting the worst.  Absolute worst case, its more cancer, I have surgery asap and could need to do another 6 rounds of chemo (this one every 3 weeks instead so for 18 weeks).  WONDERFUL!

My fingers are crossed but how can I not be nervous about it?  For months this has been on my mind.  I'm BRCA positive.  I have ovarian cancer in my family and she was my age when she was diagnosed, which, surprise surprise... is unusual to have it that young.  The general population has a 1.7% risk of ovarian.  I have a 27% risk.  Increase that because I've already had breast cancer.  JOY!

By having my ovaries and fallopian tubes out, I lower my risk back to the general population (still considered ovarian cancer for the lining in that area, and that's possible even without ovaries.)

My NEW oncologist said I can get the tests done now, and again in 6 months.  If I decide I want the surgery sooner, 4-6 weeks to schedule it.  But, she said, "You WILL have the surgery."  The risk is way too high and the testing is way too crappy (testing for ovarian misses cancer 75% of the time... ovarian is called the silent killer.) 

They highly recommend surgery before the age of 40.  I will be 39 a month from next Friday.  So yeah, within the next year, I NEED to have another 2 surgeries, most likely both between January and April of next year, unless there are issues with the tests now for ovarian.

SO that's where I'm at.

Hopefully my energy will continue to increase and I will be writing again more often.