My Winter Hat

The white is sold out, which is my favorite. Otherwise, I can't decide which color I want to get this hat in, but I am SO buying at least one!!

Here's the link:
http://jackiefarry.com/

If the Hits Keep Coming, Go to Kickboxing!

I tried to get to my doctor appointment early today but there was an accident on the side street I took, so I started off the day on the edgy side with that. 

Once she started the ultrasound, I could see her face.  Techs aren't allowed to give info, that has to come from the doctors office.  But I'm pretty good at reading body language and I didn't like the info I was getting.  I asked her what she was checking (for cysts among other things), if I had any (one on my right ovary) and what impact that would have on the IVF drugs (Dr will tell me). 

In GENERAL terms, she said that depending on the size, the doctor may completely stop all IVF. 
WONDERFUL!

My head went back into tailspin mode.  More getting taken away. 

The doctor himself eventually called, after I spoke with a nurse basically freaking out.  He said yes, a 28mm cyst on my right ovary, but he is comfortable moving forward with the IVF cycle.  His words, generally wouldn't worry about a cyst like this, but with my "cancer" history, I should tell my oncologist about it.  He can't say its cancer one way or the other. 

And back to my wonderful world of horrible intuition.  I knew what was up on day one when I first felt the lump.  When I had an ultrasound weeks ago for the IUD and they mentioned cyst, I told my oncologists then.  And I had a very bad feeling then.  That bad feeling is still here and got a whole lot worse today. 

After a call to the breast oncologist office, no news.  No biopsy results, and keep waiting.  No BRAC-1 or BRAC-2 testing results yet, keep waiting.  No NOTHING yet and keep waiting.  Me?  I hate waiting and I have NO patience anymore!  Wait? NO! 

A few other calls with the doctors office, IVF drugs delivered and I was told about the changes that were made.  Great, thanks. 

I spoke with someone today at Dana Farber for their One to One program.  It matches up patients with those who have been out of treatment for at least a year.  Think Big Brothers but for cancer.  So I'm waiting to be matched to someone I can talk to on the phone who has gone through something like this. 

Katie was really nice.  She asked what I would be looking for in a match.  I said someone younger, not the typical 50+ age of breast cancer patients.  Someone without kids who had fertility questions.  Not married and dealing with the relationship part.  And someone with chemo and hair loss.  My absolute biggest fear.  I know that's just going to destroy me. 

Katie said I'll be getting a call in a few days. 

Today I heard from my friend Jill about kickboxing.  If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have gone.  Even knowing she was going, I was close to missing.  MAJOR meltdown today after I got home. 

The meds were delivered to work today, so I brought the huge box home.  My boyfriend was helping me with it, which is great.  I know all he wants to do is help me and be there for me and make things easier for me.  He started unpacking everything doing it all.  I didn't know what came in, what matched up and the original plan I had with meds changed.  I didn't know which one I was supposed to start taking TODAY!

I freaked out.  Started crying, screaming actually.  He just walked away and said he wasn't going to just stand there and get yelled at.  That was my breaking point.  I lost it.  Literally fell to the floor sobbing.  I don't mean to flip out and yell.  It isn't even about this.

I have absolutely NO control over what is going on right now.  I am WAITING for doctors to get me test results.  I have no plan, no control, no knowledge of what my OWN future is!  That is making me NUTS!  I like order.  I like having a plan.  When I make a "to do" list, it includes other lists I have to make... and no, I'm not kidding.  (make a food shopping list, list of xmas gifts to still buy, etc). 

To feel like I have no control?  This is MY life.  I feel like I'm along for the ride, but I'm not the one planning the route.  Stuck sitting in the back seat, in the middle, with my feet up on that horrible hump.  :(

I completely understand that my boyfriend was just trying to help.  He understands the medications, what's what and what has to be done.  I know he was unpacking and putting away everything to help me and make things easier.

But I have NO control.  By just doing it, taking over for it, it was taking more things away from me, more out of my control and more on that horrible ride with me in the back seat.  So I lost it.  I cried and screamed. 

We have since decided that "stop yelling at me" isn't something that works.  I asked for a completely unrelated word he can say to sort of let me know I've hit that unreasonable point.  He picked "Pickles".  Okay.  So now when he says Pickles, I know I'm getting nasty.  Hopefully that works.

So, with my 2 meltdowns over this (the first initial meltdown, then talking about it after I had another.  Poor guy!), I almost didn't go to kickboxing. 

I AM SO GLAD I WENT!  With each punch, kick, jab, cross, hook, upper cut, roundhouse, foot jab, whatever!  With each one, I was hitting cancer.  I was fighting it out.  It felt so good to get it out it and beat it out. 

Not working out in weeks, I got my butt handed to me tonight! And okay, love Heather, but GOD DAMN with those Burpies tonight!!  Holy crap.  :) 

One thing I love the most about kickboxing is that when I'm there, I'm just there.  It is one of the few times in my life when I'm truly present in that moment.  I'm not thinking about other things, what's next, what I have to do when I get home, what's on the agenda for tomorrow.  I'm just there, in that moment, doing whatever it is that round it and agreeing with Jill who yelled out "WHAT?" when Heather yet again yelled out, "BURPIES".  (best part was when Heather caught Jill!) 

I love that I'm just there.  Nothing else exists except that moment.  I'm taking it all out on the bag and I LOVE it.  I feel so good leaving it all there.  I hate that I'll have to take a few weeks off while on the IVF drugs but I know its what I have to do.  Hopefully I'll be able to get in a few classes at the end of the month before any surgeries or treatments or whatnot. 

After class, I wanted to let a few of them know since I know I'll be out.  It is still so hard saying it, telling people, yup, I have breast cancer.  It SUCKS.  I hate that I still get emotional about it. 

The 4 that I told were all amazing.  I love the support and positive encouragement that I got from them.  Even a hug from Master Xavier.  :)  So if anyone wants a GREAT workout that is SO much fun, plus you get to hit stuff... iLoveKickboxing.com and pick the Randolph location.  They are the absolute BEST!!  I cannot say enough about them.  I always said how great they all were, and tonight they continued to prove me right. 

So the hits, yup, they keep coming.  Today I was lucky enough that I could get to kickboxing to let it out.  Not all days will go like that.  Some will be easier, others will be harder.  Nature of the beast at this point. 

This morning I bought myself an Alex and Ani bracelet for an Xmas gift to me.  The Gift Box.  20% goes to the American Cancer Society.  The card says,"Connection, Joy, Gratitude".  On the website, the description says:
20% of all sales from the Gift Box Charm, with a minimum donation of $25,000, will benefit the American Cancer Society to encourage people to create a world with more birthdays by staying well, getting well, finding cures, and fighting back against cancer.

I'm in that group now.  I want that reminder on my wrist.  I'm part of this.  I also bought the Young and Strong one too, another donation for cancer.  And a few weeks ago I bought the Dana Farber one.  My reminders on my wrist.

Here's the Gift Box. 

http://www.alexandani.com/gift-box-expandable-wire-bangle-russian-silver.html

So... I'm staying strong, remembering that life is a gift. 

LIving on Spin Cycle

My head is SPINNING.  I did my best all weekend to keep occupied and busy.  My mind was off of the whole cancer thing.  Thanksgiving was great with my boyfriends family.  They are amazing and so welcoming.  It was a long day but really nice.  Then the biopsy on Friday.  I took a nap on Friday before we went back for round 2 of Thanksgiving with his family.

Saturday was moving day.  We got the Uhaul and my parents came down and helped.  We moved all the big stuff and did a little unpacking too.  Took my parents out for a late lunch before they headed home.  We were tired Saturday night and chilled in. 

Sunday was more unpacking for HOURS, then headed over to the apartment to take out the trash for Monday am pickup.  We stopped at a few stores on the way home, including Home Depot.  Got the new Christmas Tree.  First time in years I've had a fake one, but not being sure how the dog would be, it made sense.  LOVE that it has the lights on it.  SO much easier, even though that's all that is still on it now, pulled in and all. 

Last night, it all started to hit me again.  Waiting on the biopsy results.  2 spots.  2 more not found.  Now what?  I started to have another melt-down last night.  Poor Jim.  He's amazing, takes it and I don't know what I would do without him.

I watched the documentary "Crazy Sexy Cancer" last night.  Kris Carr was 31 when she was diagnosed with a very rare type of cancer and this was her story, plus tossed in with a few others.  I was okay for most of it, but it hit me at weird spots.  Like watching someone in the hospital for a month for her chemo treatments, with her lost hair.  Then with the woman who has had breast cancer for 10 years and her "remission" includes 17 pills a day!! 

The weirdest spot that hit me was watching Kris when she did Trapeze School.  Pretty sure its the same company I went to at Jordan's Furniture in Reading, but at their NY location.  Just seeing her do what I did, while she's stage IV and dealing with it all... it just hit me and I had tears streaming down my face. 

Last night was the 3rd time I had a dream about cancer.  The first two were with ultrasounds and tumors.  Last night was chemo and I had an IV in.  Even sleep isn't safe anymore.  The cancer even gets me there now.  I hate that.  I hate that it can even take my sleep from me.  Hate. 

When I woke up this morning, I had the worst stomach ache and I didn't know why.  Well, found out.  Got my period a week early.  Normally, fine.  But now?   Well, with chemo lingering in the not so distant future... that means fertility issues and all that crap. 

After I got to work, I called the fertility office I'm going to, Dr. O's office.  I don't have my meds yet, not sure if the insurance went through and I have to have an ultrasound right away.  The nurse, Sue called me back shortly after.  Meds start day 2, she wasn't sure on the insurance yet but would check and then I was called back to schedule my 8am ultrasound and blood work for tomorrow morning. 

After a total of 8 phone calls just on this, the pharmacy is having the drugs delivered to work tomorrow so my shots can start tomorrow night, the appointment is set for 8am tomorrow, I can bring the remaining paperwork with me and my insurance approval for the meds and fertility treatment went through. 

That was how I started my day, before 9am. 

The town I'm leaving has free TV drop off's (another call all after internet checking).  Merry Maids is $210 to clean my old apartment out for me, saving me from cleaning the kitchen, bathroom and rugs- with a tossed out and broken vacuum (2 more phone calls).  My old landlord isn't showing the uncleaned apartment that still has the 3 TV's plus a few other things there until I hand in my keys by the end of the week (2 more calls). 

By the way... 3 old analog TV's.  Maybe 12-15", 20 ish" and 27"?  All work, all have remotes.  Just big, analog TV's.  And I'm just tossing them.  Salvation Army doesn't take them, Christian Charities doesn't, My Brother's Keeper doesn't.  Some places charge to pick them up!  But they all work!! 
SO, let me know if you know of anyone who wants/needs a FREE TV that you could come pick up this week.  Friday we are dumping them at the town DPW. 

So, back to spinning!  That was at 13 phone calls.

One actual doctor appointment today, she referred me to another. Between that office any my insurance, that was another 7 phone calls.  (up to 20 now!)  2 were from Dana Farber following up on one complaint I made from an attitude I complained about last week, (that was AMAZING!), so that's 22. 

Crap, I had 1 more that I'm forgetting... I know I had 23 calls today!  Plus the dr appointment, plus actually trying to work!  OH, one was the nurse from the breast oncologist office saying she had no info for me and those results won't be back until Tues-Thursday.  Dr. C will call me this week and then we can go from there, but she can't give me anything about options, what's next or ANYTHING until those results are back. 

I hate that I don't know what's going on.  I don't know what's next, what my treatment is going to be, what options the doctors are going to recommend, how advanced this cancer is, what stage I am, how much this has spread.  I don't know ANYTHING about my own damn health right now!!  I HATE THIS. 

I know I have almost no control right now of what I'm going through or what I will be going through.  Other people are planning my appointments, my treatments, my future!  I feel like I'm along for the damn ride, with a rope tied to my feet dragging me behind an old beat up pickup that's off-roading!  I'm just bouncing around, bump after bump, rocks and dirt slamming me along the way.  I can't get off, I can't untie myself for this and I can't change the course of it.  I'm just STUCK!

I'm trying to find ways to manage this as best as I can.  I have no outlet.  I'm so overwhelmed.  I could barely function at work today while trying to get any actual work done. 

Merry Maids will be the best $210 I can spend right now.  All the time off from my schedule NOT having to clean or deal with it.  My boyfriend is going to pick up the TV's over there for me tomorrow.  I have SO much unpacking left to do though.

Then the fertility treatments.  I'm already SO short and snippy.  My normal minimal patience level has lowered to non-existent.  I'm a bitch.  I hate treating my boyfriend like crap and snapping at him.  But I do it.  Too much.  It isn't fair to him and I don't want to do that to him. 

Right now, we still have the rest of my unpacking, plus lots of other boxes to get up to the attic and other things to do downstairs.  I'm not sure if he gets it.  I have so much chaos in my life right now, that I need some order.  Having the house organized, picked up and without clutter makes a HUGE difference for me.  Seeing shit like moving blankets or boxes still laying around and blocking hallways?  MAKES ME CRAZY! 

I hate having no control over my life.  I hate being this much of a bitch.  I know I'm going to be worse in the next few days once I start on the fertility drugs.  I'm afraid of what I'm going to be like with Jim then.  How crazy am I going to be with him?  I hate this. 

And then I start thinking more about the biopsy I'm waiting for.  2 were done.  What if its worse?  The size of the first alone put me into stage II.  They break up the breast into 4 quadrants, a circle with a cross through it.  Well, the one tumor is on my top right.  The other 2 biopsies?  Bottom right and top left.  3 out of the 4.  That scares me. 

I'm also scared that they couldn't find the 2 spots on my left which were on the MRI.  I don't want to wait another 6 months for another MRI.  I want this found and tested NOW.  I want answers and I don't want to wait anymore.  I want to know what is going on and what my future is with this.

My patience is DONE.  I'm scared.  I hate not knowing and it is making me angry.  I HATE THIS.  I hate that I'm going through this.  I am frustrated not having answers and not knowing. 

I just want to be able to put this past me and the longer I'm going without knowing, without any idea of my treatment or what is next, the harder it is to move ahead or beyond this. 

I'm in circles, spinning around and around and there is no way off this horrible ride that I didn't want to be on, never asked to be apart of and can't get away from, even in my sleep. 

Black Friday aka LONG Biopsy Day

Today was a long day.  I was at the hospital around 8:30 for more ultrasound guided biopsies.  After the MRI, more areas looked suspicious that they wanted checked out. 

Using the ultrasound, basically as a road map, the radiologist was able to locate the 2 additional areas on my right breast, in addition to the one that was already positive.  She wasn't able to find the 2 areas they noticed on my left. 

I am SORE and tired.  The Novocaine needle HURTS.  When they say, "this will pinch and you will feel a little burn".  That's a LIE.  Not a pinch and not a little burn.  OH MY GOD, that hurts.  Tears in my eyes. 

But, the radiologist said that the original mass isn't the 1.7cm they originally said.  It is just over 2cm. So that pushes me out of the Stage I as a possibility.  Stage I is under 2cm with no spreading.  Stage II is 2-5cm or under 2cm with spreading to the lymph nodes. 

Now that I know that I'm at least Stage II, its even more to take in.  And that's just with the one and only tumor that came back. The 2 other tumors are in different areas of my right breast.  And I still don't know about spreading.  Plus, I still don't know what they want to do about the areas on my left that she couldn't see on the ultrasound.  They might want MRI biopsies.  We'll find out next week. 

I'm just scared.  Now I know for sure I'm at a minimum of Stage II, if not III.  And IV is it.  There is no Stage V.  That's dead.  That means I'm at least 1/2 way through the stages. 

Trying to stay positive only goes so far.  I do my best to put on a smile and pretend that I'm okay.  But I'm scared and I'm worried. 

I wear my Alex and Ani bracelets every day, especially the one Jim picked out.  "It's All Good".  He says that all the time to me.  Sometimes I believe it.  But wearing it helps me remember. The skeleton key helps, reminds me that I can hold the key. Then I wear my Dana Farber snowflake one I got at the PaperStore too. 

This is who I am now.  Scary, but this is my life. 

Happy Thanksgiving

This year, Thanksgiving has taken on a new meaning for me.  I have a different perspective this year.  I've always been thankful for the wonderful people in my life, but now it is just a little different.  It means more right now. 

I have said for so long how lucky I am to have great people in my life.  It took me a really long time to realize that I could control who I let into my life.  When that finally clicked, I realized it was time to let a lot of toxic relationships end.  It was what I needed, but it was also hard.  I let so many relationships just fade away. SO many. 

When it was time to start building back up, the doors just opened.  Maybe I had done enough soul searching and work on myself that I was just in a better place.  Maybe it was all that new-age "The Secret" sort of stuff... put it out to the universe to get what you want.  Who knows!  All I know is that I met some incredible people! 

Being a list and goal sort of person, New Years is my Superbowl.  I have literally spent HOURS writing in my journal to review the year and come up with goals for the next year.  After a course with a Life Coach years ago, I took on her idea to name my year to give it a theme, a purpose.  And then my New Year Resolutions are part of that theme. 

The first time I did this was in 2008, which was my Year of Slimming Down.  WOW!  Friendships changed, my "stuff" downsized and I let so many things go, not just physical, but drama and bs too. 

The year that my entire life changed was 2009.  HOLY CRAP!  One of those 'be careful what you wish for' sort of things.  Since I had cut out so much in 2008, it was time to build back up in the right way.  That was how 2009 became The Year of New Experiences.  My resolution that year was to do two things each month outside of my comfort zone.  ALMOST stuck to it. 

I tried new foods, sports, and even went to the movies alone for the first time.  The basic test was... if I got that pit in my stomach about something, then I HAD to try it!  Push those boundaries!  When I started, I never considered that each month, with all those new experiences, that my comfort zone would expand.  By the end of the year, after zip lining, rock climbing and everything else, I was running out of ideas.  My comfort zone had expanded so much that nothing was off limits anymore.  That was an incredible year!!

2009 was also when I first started organizing the Couch to 5K training.  (how did I go from that to the Boston Marathon in less than 2 years????)  Because of organizing that through Meetup.com, I met some amazing women!  Even my Puerto Rico trip for the Diva Half Marathon, I met them all through this group.  I didn't know any of those 5 friends before 2009! 

Now, with that fitness group, I have made so many incredible friends.  My fellow "Divas", Jennifer walking the Turkey Trot with me this morning and Tracie sending me such a great email today too!  And those are just a FEW!  We send emails out to the 11 of us all the time for girls night or whatever. 

And that's one group of friends that I have.  Just one group.  Not the other amazing people in my life.  :)  I have SO many people it would take me all day to list you all.  (only Jennifer and Tracie since they were today!  No offense to anyone else!!!!) 

So yeah, I've been saying for a while how lucky I am to have so many incredible people in my life.  I have known for a very long time that I have a pretty long list of people to be included on that "OMG its the middle of night and I need help, who can I call?" list.  I have SO many people on that list. 

Now I know that even more. 

This Thanksgiving is different for me.  As much as I have always appreciated the great people in my life, it is very different for me this year and it just means so much more to me.  I am so grateful that I have such an incredible support system and amazing people all around me.

Thank you to all of you.  My friends, my family, my support.  I love and appreciate you all.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. 

And to my amazing, incredible and OFF THE CHARTS boyfriend!!  :)  Babe, I love you so much.  You mean the world to me.  You are my rock and I could not have gotten through the past month and half without you.  I'm sorry I'm a psychotic bitch and yell and scream and take it out on you when I am so frustrated and overwhelmed.  PLEASE know that even if I might be yelling at you, it isn't about you.  Thank you for being with me, by my side and for reminding me that we will get through this together.  I know that with you in my life and with your support, I can do anything.  I love you. 

cancer DIVA!!

I haven't pulled out the pink boa yet, but decided when I start my chemo treatments, I'm wearing the purple bob wig with my tiara from the Diva Run!  If I'm doing this, I'm doing it and I'm owning it.  So... I'll be the "cancer DIVA" (giving cancer the lower case letter it deserves!). 

Tried it on tonight.... minus the boa.  Here's my cancer Diva shot!!

Today & How to Help

Yesterday was interesting.  A thirty minute call with my case manager at my health insurance company.  She gave me some great ideas and also let me know I have a wig allowance with my health insurance (and the day before at Dana Farber, they let me know a place which gives free wigs too). 

Then I went to my occupational therapy for my hand (doing better but still struggling with push ups and the plank position), then off for the pre-opp appointment with the fertility specialist.  I'll be getting a call from the pharmacy about sending me drugs for the injections Jim needs to give me to get eggs ready for harvest.  Great terminology, huh? 

In a few weeks at the most, I'll be starting fertility drugs, daily injections, and every few day blood tests and ultrasounds.  FUN!

Right now my struggle is eating right.  77 grams of protein a day?  And not soy protein, whey protein.  Can't eat the 4 boxes of power bars I bought because those are soy based (no soy for my estrogen positive tumor- gives cancer more food).  Greek yogurt is my new breakfast.  Chobani 6 ounces with fruit is 14 grams, so that's not too bad. 

I'm going to have to work on the balance of it.  The HUGE burrito I made the other day?  Yeah, over 30 grams of protein but really?  Half a can of refried beans (3.5 servings per can but for me, 2 servings!), SCOOPS of sour cream, hand fulls of cheese, then some taco sauce....   Um, that's at least 2-3 servings if I went by serving size.  Calories??  HA HA HA!  But, 30 grams of protein!  This will be interesting.

Teaching my bootcamp class today.  Then cleaning the apartment out to hopefully make big progress in moving and getting that place empty.  SO much more to do!!  Trying to not think about it and get overwhelmed with it. 

I HATE moving.  HATE.  I look at everything I need to do and I just freeze up.  I haven't even been to the apartment since I got back from Puerto Rico.  Next weekend will be it.  Getting a UHaul and lugging the big stuff to Jim's house.  Today and tomorrow are basically it for packing up and getting organized and moving the smaller stuff out.  :( 

What else??? 

People keep asking what they can do to help.   Right now, I'm not sure.  I'm trying not to get overwhelmed with the tons of appointments, thinking of fertility issues, what my treatment will be, moving, hand therapy, work.... Just one thing at a time, right?  Once I have surgery, most likely late December or early January, things will change.  But I don't know what that will be yet.  

What helps?

I love cards!  LOVE.  Jim's parents sent me 2 the weekend before Puerto Rico and I loved it.  Just knowing that people are thinking of me, that's huge!  Random flowers here and there are cool too.  Little things like that to put a smile on my face.

For local friends, I know I won't have energy to do the things I was doing before like Kickboxing, running and all that.  But I won't want to be home bound all the time either.  The little nail salon near Marshall's in Weymouth?  Their standard $28 pedi is 45 minutes long, in the massage chair and includes a massage from your knees down!  Little alcoves off to the sides of the hallway with 2 chairs in each, facing 2 on the other side.  Something like that would be a great treat when I'm feeling down. 

Maybe going out to grab some good food, getting all dolled up, and everyone wearing funky crazy (and super cheap!) wigs.  My purple one was only $16.99.  If friends can make that fun, that would be great too! 

Feel free to leave comments here too.  This blog site takes comments.  Just like getting cards, knowing that friends are thinking of me and that people care... that just means so much. 

Like I said, things will change after surgery and when chemo starts.  I don't know what I'll need then.  I know that Jim is doing so much right now and has been an absolute rock for me.  I still couldn't get through all of this without his support.  He'll need breaks though too.  He can't be my dumping ground for all of this.  I'm trying really hard to keep remembering that. 

I want him to go to his gym classes that he loves and spend time "killing people" on his computer games.  He needs his space and time to do what he loves and time away from me and my mess.  He keeps telling me that he's fine and doesn't want support or anything, but this is on him too.  He's part of my life and has this on his plate.  I'm not sure how best to help him at the same time of taking care of me. 

Yesterday I bought a Groupon for yoga classes.  I know that I am going to need to find ways to center myself and stay calm and better ways to relax.  If I can't beat the hell out of a bag in kickboxing, then I need other outlets in my life. 

Guess that's it for right now. 

Back to Reality

I was so nervous about going to Puerto Rico.  I was afraid I was going to lose it around my friends.  Something I just did not want to do. 

Overall the trip was fun.  I was less stressed, which was great.  Before the trip I was worried about work, packing for the trip, moving, and then all the crap with cancer.  After leaving, the trip packing was done and I still don't go back to work until Monday.  Now I have to worry about moving again, but I had that off my plate in Puerto Rico.  So for 5 days, it was cancer. 

My new favorite book is Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr.  She was 31 when she was first diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer.  Her book has great tips with a ton of humor tossed in.  I wrote all over it and am starting to look up some sites she mentioned in the book. 

Friday night, after we had our first swim and happy hour, we went over to the expo to pick up our race packets.  Got the free Ford Warriors head wrap which brought tears to my eyes, so did the pink bra pin that Kristin bought me.  I got 2 sneaker charms I put on my running sneakers, a pink ribbon on one and a heart with "Survivor" written on it on the other. 

Just as we were getting ready to leave the expo, I felt my phone vibrate in my bag.  It was my medical oncologist.  The MRI results were in.  I need more testing done.  Between that call and then a couple of others,  next Friday morning (the day after Thanksgiving) I'm scheduled for ultrasounds in both breasts.  The goal is to find what they saw in the MRI and biopsy everything then.  I was told the ultrasound could be 2-4 hours long.

In addition to what was found on the first ultrasound, the spot that was originally biopsied and was positive for cancer, they have another spot on my right breast they know they want to biopsy and then on my left she said one looks suspicious. 

The nurse I spoke with yesterday said if they cannot find everything on the ultrasound that they saw during the MRI then I'll need an MRI guided biopsy.  JOY!  That one will be interesting.

A breast MRI?  Take the open (not so open in reality) MRI.  You go in feet first, face down.  They put this thing up on the table, for an angle.  Think of a massage table, where your face goes in the cut out spot.  Well, I have that spot for my face, plus 2 other square spots slightly below that.  And after being on my back for the IV to be put in, I flip over and get into position.  Then a tech on either side grabs, pulls and tugs to get all the tissue into view before they slid me into the MRI machine.  And now they tell me I might need that again, WITH the biopsy??  REALLY?  My response was, Hmm... that would be interesting. 

SO, I had that on my mind the first night of the trip.  This is worse than they originally thought.  They see something in another area on my right side plus more questionable areas on my left.  So much for me thinking about Stage I.

Of course my brain goes right to me being Stage II or Stage III and that I'll need a double mastectomy and basically that I'm screwed.  I was in tears on the phone with my boyfriend that night, who by the way continues to be AMAZING. 

He told me, "Baby, nothing has changed.  We're still going to beat this.  So there might be a little more.  There was already one and you were already dealing with it.  We are still going to beat this and you are still going to be fine."  I love him so much.  He is just amazing.  

During the trip I was afraid I was putting too much on my friends.  A really opened up a few times to a couple of friends, more than I have before with anyone other than my boyfriend.  I felt so exposed about it all.  I'm so emotionally raw and I feel so damaged. 

One specific conversation I had was so difficult for me.  It left me so beaten down.  If I had gotten the plane ticket on my own, I would have come home that day.  It just got to be too much.  After that, I spent a lot of time on my own.  I didn't want to ruin anyone's vacation with my cancer shit & my emotions.  I felt like I was doing that and I hated that.  Plus, I was so raw and so overwhelmed with having cancer on my mind.  I just wanted to be home after that.

When I was pulling away from everyone after that, little sweet Christine deserves so much thanks.   I felt so alone.  I was scared, overwhelmed, hurt and beaten down.  I purposely avoided everyone and just laid on a hammock alone.  Christine reached out to me and was so great.  She told me she didn't want me to feel isolated and alone.  She got another hammock near me and sent me a text that she was there if I wanted to talk.  It was what I needed and I thank her so much for that.  I'm not sure I could have made it through those last few days if she hadn't reached out like that. 

During those last few days, I spent a lot of time alone.  I finished my book, wrote in my journal A LOT, and just thought as I was staring into the ocean.  I went shopping in Old San Juan and met so many great and interesting people. But cancer was never not on my mind and I was never not scared or worried. 

Wednesday night, after Logan Express and all that, I got home just before midnight.  I was SO tired.  Mentally and physically spent.  Thursday was crazy.  I met my boyfriend for one appointment which included blood work, then had my ecco-cardiogram, then a chest x-ray.

While I was the cancer center, I asked about the next ultrasound (which was then scheduled for next Friday while I was there) and I scheduled an appointment with a social worker they have on staff.  I also went to their resource area.  WOW did I come home with a ton of books and pamphlets.  I'm signed up for a makeup thing next month and found out about a support group as well as yoga classes that are offered. 

Today I have a call with my case manager at my health insurance, my occupational therapy on my wrist, then meeting with the fertility doctor about freezing before I'm sterile if I ever decide I want to have kids.  Wonderful cancer makes you think about so many great things. 

After leaving the cancer center yesterday I stopped at 2 different party stores.  Sally's Beauty Supply had 3 wigs in stock, all over $100.  Um, no.  I'm feeling this out and trying to get used to the idea of losing my hair SLOWLY.  I ended up going home with 5 wigs.  Brown, black, auburn, hot pink (with sparkles) and a purple bob which is my favorite. 

I have to back up for a second.  While reading websites and my Crazy Sexy Cancer book, lots was written about losing hair.  Because of that, I decided I'm cutting it off before chemo.  I don't want my almost waist long straight blond hair to fall out.  My hair is my identity.  I've had this long hair for 10 to 15 years!  NO!  I do not want to lose my hair!! 

Cutting my boobs off and replacing them with implants?  Fine.  I love great bras that give the added cleavage.  But my hair???  HELL NO!  Screw that crap with the "It will grow back".  That's bull shit.  My hair is ME!  Losing that is worse.  That is what I'm having a harder time with.  NO!  I don't want to lose my hair!  People in bars have come up to me to tell me they love my hair.  I even had someone start touching it once (um, personal space?).  NO!  I don't want to lose it.

So I decided that instead of seeing this fall out, I'm cutting it off.  I'm going to braid it and save it... waiting until around New Years before chemo starts.  The braid will represent the BBC (before breast cancer).  When it starts falling out, shorter pieces might not be as bad.  Might not but I doubt it.

And my plan is Newbury Street.  I've never done that before because I would never spent that kind of money on a haircut.  But I am now.  Going to Newbury Street around New Years for the new after breast cancer me.  Maybe I'll even play the cancer card to get a cheaper price on it.  But no matter what, that day is going to SUCK!

That's where the wigs come in.  If I am going to have to do it, I better start getting used to it now.  Meet the purple bob!  That will be a fun one. 

Last night, I got all dressed up and put on the auburn one when my boyfriend got home from work.  Long and wavy.  He said I looked completely different.  I asked what "Her" name was.  First he said Ferrari, (isn't that a good stripper name... um, yeah, that was the look of this wig, especially with the dress!).  In favor of his car, we went with Mercedes. 

I'm trying to take it moment by moment.  I don't want to freak out.  My emotions are all over the place and I have no control of them.  I know that.  I know my mind is on tunnel vision.  I can only think about cancer.  How is my life changing?  What do I need to do?  How am I changing? 

I'm lucky I have such an amazing boyfriend who gets it.  He understands that I'm going through this and I'm not me right now, at least not all the time.  I have been trying so hard to ask him about things he does, his gym, his work, the things that matter to him.

That's hard too.  I'm so hyper focused on me and cancer and all this CRAP that its hard to remember that other people have their shit too.  I'm not going to be a great friend right now.  I don't have it in me to be supportive and encouraging to others.  I just don't.  Maybe I will later, but I'm going in 20 directions all the time trying to figure out literally LIFE ALTERING decisions. 

My life is important to me.  I am putting me first right now.  I have to.  And right now, there isn't much room left.  I'm going to be a crappy friend right now.  Hopefully people will understand that and get it.  I'm not sure though.  I won't be surprised when friendships change or end completely.  That will be hard, especially when it is with people I thought were part of that inner circle I worked hard to get. 

Lots on my mind, lots of directions, but one baby step at a time.  That's all I can do.  One step at a time. 

In the Crazy Sexy Cancer book, she had her Cancer Posse- other friends with cancer.  One was a Cancer Vixen.  They all used different names.

I just got back from Puerto Rico, from the Diva Half Marathon.  I picked mine... I'm the Cancer Diva.  Might even wear my new tiara and pink feather boa when I go for chemo treatments.   I'm going to kick cancers ass, right along with Purple Bob and Mercedes.

Night of the half, in my Diva Pose. 

 

 

My Diva Gear

 



The Diva's

Happy Hump Day

I've never been a morning person and I've never been great about being exactly on time.  Originally my plan was to get to work at 7am, leave around 8:15 to get to my 8:30 dr appointment.  Well, 7:42, on sofa, typing away on the laptop with a list to do and not at work. 

And I wanted to stop at the old apartment down the street from the hospital to grab a few things before the morning of appointments.  Hmm...

Once I'm at hospital, the day is like this:
8:30, Dietitian, Julie
9:30, Blood Work
10, Medical Oncologist
11, Genetic Counselor

BUSY morning.  Last night, with the incredible help of SO many people in my family, I finished up the Family Cancer History Tree.  JOY!  HOURS of work with that and I had no idea how much cancer ran in my family.  Sadly (but very helpful for me), one was done before on my dad's mom's side.  Dad's aunt had breast cancer and so did 2 of her daughters.  They did this back 3 generations which is to my Great-Great Grandmother.  They even included her 3 marriages and kids to each husband!  WOW! 

I got a few of the questions down that I wanted to ask for the dietitian and some for the medical oncologist.  I'm hoping she has the results from my breast MRI on Monday and that would hopefully tell if this has spread at all.  Then I can have a better idea on my treatment options.  Right now, I'm just not sure what I want to do, and even what I could do! 

Monday was crazy.  HOURS on the phone. 
Call PCP for 2 referrals
Call OB/Gyn for pelvic ultrasound results to be forwarded to oncologists
Call Medical Oncologist office to pre-register
Call Dietitian back to schedule appointment
Call Fertility office back for next steps and to schedule next appointment
Call medical insurance, what's covered, and request a case manager.
Receive call back from case manager... 40 minute call.
And that was AFTER the MRI while I was at work!  Yeah, makes sense that I'm falling a little behind at work.

That's another stress....  I need to focus at work.  Yeah, cuz that's what I'm thinking about all day.  Sure.  So much for those ADD pills helping me focus during the day.  I'm focused, but just not on what I should be doing. 

That's when I start to get overwhelmed.  With all of that on Monday, got it figured out with the 2 friends who are on the same flight as me for the Puerto Rico trip (the other 3 on are a different- direct flight) that we are meeting at Logan Express for the 4:30 shuttle for our 6:30am flight. 

LAST night I finally started packing for that trip.  Need to do some more laundry so I can finish that up, pack the accessories and toiletries and I SHOULD be done... and a few pairs of flip flops (only packed 1 sneakers, plus the pair I'm wearing, and 4 pairs of shoes so far to cover EVERYTHING.  Not bad for me!)

Toss in that I have to be out of my apartment by the end of the month and I am NO WHERE near close to being done or ready for that.  People keep offering to help, but OMG!  I have crap everywhere!!  Only so much fits in my car and I don't have boxes.  Gotta love back and forth trips with suitcases and laundry baskets.  I need some bigger things over so I have places to put my stuff. 

My boyfriend built me a closet and that's great, but I have SO much crap.  Tossing a ton which is good, but it is just so much to do!! 

I get so overwhelmed with all of it.  Then I get nasty. And I hate that. Then I feel guilty for being nasty.  I'm all over the place emotionally and not sure how to handle it all.

During the day, I try to be positive.  I try to believe the BS I tell people.  Doctors say prognosis is great.  Stage I or II, best place for treatment, amazing support system.  Long road, but I'll be okay. 
And yeah, its all true.  But.... its overwhelming and terrifying.  I'm scared. 

I don't know what treatment I'm doing.  If I go with a lumpectomy, I have chemo first and definite.  And I WILL lose my hair.  If I have a mastectomy, that's a much bigger recovery than I expected.  MUCH bigger!  I could be out of work for a month!  Yeah, I have short term disability, after all sick and vacation time is used at 60% pay.  And I don't know if my company will still pay the amount they do for my health insurance or if I'll have to pick up the $200/month they pay on top of the $350 I already pay for my share. 

By the end of the day, I have nothing left.  I'm mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.  I spent hours last night finishing up the family tree and tried to respond to a few facebook messages and emails.  I tried to pack too.  No trip to the old apartment, no laundry.  No nothing.  I barely ate dinner. 

Then I get nasty.  My boyfriend will ask something, and I end up yelling at him.  Over NOTHING. I flipped out on him last night, then ended up in tears.  Monday night was okay but the same thing happened on Sunday night.  Then I feel horrible.  He didn't do anything and he doesn't deserve that.  He is so great and I'm just treating him like crap! 

All he does is smile at me and say, "Baby, I love you.  What can I do?  What can I do that will help?"  Last night he did the laundry, told me no worries on money, whatever happens with work or insurance, and he's meeting me today at 10 to be with me for the medical oncologist appointment.  Like I said, he's incredible.  And I'm a bitch.  A RAGING bitch! 

Then we go to bed, he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight, telling me that he loves me and everything will be fine.  Laying in his arms is my favorite place, where I feel the safest.  Its the only place I can really feel relaxed right now.

Thinking of how crazy I have been getting at night, when I can't take anymore and I start to get raw... that scares me about my trip.  Its one thing to lose it like that with my boyfriend who I live with, but on vacation with 5 of my friends???  And I going to lose it with them??? And what about if I drink?  First, can I?  I've been looking forward to going out and drinking and dancing the night away.  Even bought my new "Salsa Dress"!  Can I drink?  And if I do, am I going to lose it??  Be that horrible emotional crying mess that I usually make fun of?  Is that going to be me? 

What about not drinking, just at the hotel at night?  Or on the beach?  What is going to happen when I finally just stop, sit and try to relax??  My mind isn't going to shut off.  Its going to start reeling on and on and on!  How am I going to react?  What am I going to be like with my friends and is it going to be too much?  I don't want to ruin their vacations!  I know they have all been looking forward to this trip too!

I keep thinking about everyone else all the time, not wanting to make anyone else feel bad or feel worried.  Sometimes I censor what I say to people because of that.  Always keep that smile on my face. 

I remember years ago, in HS, a teacher used to always say, "Fake it 'til you make it".  I've lived by that.  When I felt insecure, I faked the confidence.  Whatever it was, put that smile on my face.  And I'm still doing it now, with all of this. 

I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone.  I don't want people to pity me.  I don't want to be sick!  I don't want people to feel bad, upset or have to worry about me. So I put that smile on and fake the positive BS.  Sometimes I actually believe it.  Sometimes.  Maybe I just think its the "right" thing to say or right thing to believe, I don't know. 

I'm just really really overwhelmed and scared.  I don't want to lose my boyfriend because I'm so nasty and he keeps telling not to worry.  I hate that I have been so nasty.  I hate being like this and I hate being scared and not having control of what is going on in my life right now. 

Who knows. 

My fingers are crossed for good news today.  And surprise surprise, I'll be late!  8:15 and I'm still on the sofa! 

I Have Breast Cancer

In May of 2011 during a routine annual, my ob/gyn felt something in my left breast she wanted checked out.  During the mammogram and ultrasound my left breast was fine, but they discovered microcalcifications on my right (clusters of calcium deposits that can be pre-cancer indicators). 

Because of the microcalcifications, I needed mammograms every 6 months for 2 years to watch for changes in size and quantity.  Those were June 2011, December 2011 and again in June 2012.  My appointment was already scheduled for this December. 

In each of those 3 mammograms nothing changed and all was good.  I was told, "See you in six months."  So I put it all out of my mind and went on my merry way.

Well my life is a series of craziness.  No one could ever say my life is anything close to boring!  I broke my arm in March of 2008 when I tried snowboarding for the first time.  On the bunny slope.  And ski patrol came and got me.  That ended up needing surgery to have plates and screws put in my wrist. 

I had a prior issue for a bulging disc (C5/C6- in my neck) and several rounds of cortisone injections followed.  2011, while training for the Boston Marathon, my hip went out.  Three weeks before the marathon, I couldn't walk without a limp!  It was my Sacroiliac Joint (SI) Joint on my right side.  Weeks with a chiropractor helped that. 

Then came 2012.  New Years Day started off with great friends for a 5K road race in Lowell.  So much fun.  A few weeks later "the girls" and I were in a 1/2 marathon relay.  We were The Real Runner's of the South Shore. 

That day my SI Joint started to act up again in a MAJOR way.  I found a great chiropractor who really made a huge difference for me.  Now I need to keep up with that for maintenance. 

Also in 2012, I became a certified fitness instructor and started teaching bootcamp classes.  LOVE teaching and I get so much out of seeing the progress made by those in my classes.  I love seeing how hard they work and the incredible results!  Sometimes I wonder if I get more excited than they do.  :)

This year there were 2 rounds of the Couch to 5K training sessions.  Not sure exactly how many graduates we had.  Storms canceled the 2nd graduation race and the first was record heat. 

My personal fitness, I started taking the best kickboxing class EVER.  I LOVE KICKBOXING.  It completely makes sense that they are through iLoveKickboxing.com.  Physically and mentally, this class is one of the best things I can continue to do for myself.

Since I love the class so much, it was easy to talk it up to everyone I know.  When they announced a contest for the student who had the most referrals to their online $19.99 special for gloves and three classes, it was EASY for me to have so many sign up.  Not only did I win the first prize of $500 at my local Randolph (BEST EVER!) location, but I won the NATIONAL prize too!  That was $2500!  I could NOT believe it!  SUPER excited!!

The contest was during the month of April.  I took Thursday, May 17th off of work for 2 different doctor appointments and my plan was to stop at the gym to pick up the check, then I could pay off my car loan early.  I didn't love that car, but I was really looking forward to not having a car payment for a while.  My plan was to push it a year or 2 before getting something else, so I could save up some money and pay down some other bills.

Well, that didn't happen.  Literally the day BEFORE I was planning to pay off my car, I got into a car accident.  Two cars ahead of me stopped short 100 yards past a light as we were all accelerating in the rain.  The SUV in front of me stopped.  When I was sliding with NO traction on my brakes, I slammed on my horn to tell her, I'm hitting you!

 

Well, that was obviously a total loss!!  So much for no car payment!  I took the prize money, along with some insurance money to have a bigger down payment on my new car and not have to roll in any taxes or fees. And now I have a car payment again.

 

That week in general SUCKED.  Mother's Day was that Sunday.  The day itself was nice, having dinner with my parents and stopping over at my boyfriend's parents house too.  But that night?  My boyfriend was SO sick. 

 

We had a huge fight the next morning.  I was screaming at him to let me take him to the hospital and he wouldn't go.  Guys will whine and complain about aches and pains, but this was different.  I had never seen him like this and I was really worried.  He said he would work from home, but ended up at the hospital later.  After weeks of testing, it was an ulcer with a hiatal hernia. 

 

That Tuesday was our one year anniversary.  He was MISERABLE.  It was when I left his house on Wednesday morning that I had my car accident on my way home.  In addition to my car being totalled, my back was a mess!  I started back with my chiropractor a few times a week to help it.  Talk about a bad week!

 

Then the summer hit.  On top of my normal ups and downs.... my wrist with the old break started acting up.  This happened in June, July and again in August!  It was this weird thing where my whole hand and wrist was inflamed, the muscles and tendons completely froze up, I had a huge egg where the plate was and it was SO much pain. 

 

 

This was in July when I was on my way to the doctor right after it happened.  The first 2 times it happened I was at work.  The third?  I was with my boyfriend at the movies! 

 

The orthopedic my primary care office sent me to was not very helpful.  I didn't like him at all.  After the 3rd time in August, I called my original orthopedic in Boston at Beth Israel, Dr Appleton.  He was AMAZING.  I got an appointment with him for the following week.  He suggested surgery to have the hardware removed, but thought carpal tunnel could be an issue.  He wanted to speak with a colleague about her also being in the surgery for the carpal release.

 

When I went to try to schedule surgery, Dr. Appleton had spoken with Dr. Rozenthal and she was familiar with what was going on with me!  FINALLY!  My tendons were reacting to the hardware and becoming inflamed.  If the plates and screws were not removed, they could rupture. 

 

My surgery was on September 27th.  That morning in pre-op, they told me it would be about 45 minutes.  Well, if I'm going to do something, I'm all in!  There was much more fluid in my tendons than they had expected.  Cleaning everything up took longer and the surgery was an hour and a half instead. 

 

I hadn't expected all the swelling after surgery.  I couldn't move my fingers!  When I went back to work the following week, I needed someone to come into my office to write out my voice mail messages.  I couldn't hold a pen and I couldn't type that fast with my left hand.  Right now I'm still with an occupational therapist to get full strength and range of motion back in my right hand.

 

While I was still recovering from that and still had the brace on after the surgery, it was hard to get comfortable at night.  The brace completely restricted my wrist from any movement.  Plus, it was bulky and uncomfortable.  I have no idea how I lasted 2 weeks with that thing on me. 

 

Over Columbus Day weekend, while trying to get comfortable in bed, I was twisted around, right arm flopped and my left arm draped across my chest.  It was an accident.  I know that as a woman, I should do monthly self breast exams, but really?  Who is on top of those?

 

By accident, my left hand happened to rest across my right breast.  And that's when I felt it.  A lump.  And it felt big and hard and not right.  My boyfriend was next to me in bed.  I grabbed his hand and he asked, "What the hell is that?"  I told him it was a lump.

 

He asked what happened.  It's weird that I knew all the exact steps that I would take over the next 4 weeks.  Since it was Columbus Day weekend, I knew my ob's office would be closed on Monday.  I told him, "I'll call my doctor's office on Tuesday and she'll have me to come in for an exam.  Then she'll send me for a mammogram and ultrasound.  They will have me do a biopsy and then I'll be sent to a specialist."

I didn't know all of the emotional stress that process would be when I said it so matter-of-factly. 

 

My appointment to have my wrist looked at was already scheduled for Friday, October 12th.  My ob's office got in me in at 1pm before I had to head into Boston.  I see Kristin, the Nurse Practitioner.  She is AMAZING.  I couldn't be luckier than to have someone like her in my health corner. 

 

Another odd foreshadowing was when I told Kristin, "I love how all of my doctors are all so proactive.  But I hate they are always right.  It isn't ruling anything out when I'm sent for more tests.  It is always confirming that they are right.".  She told me not to worry and not to get ahead of anything but to stop at the office next door as I was leaving to schedule my mammogram and ultrasound.  That appointment was the following Friday, October 19th. 

 

That weekend, we had Sunday dinner at my boyfriend's parents house.  His family is great.  They have always been so nice to me and made me feel welcome.  After dinner, we were back at his house.  While trying to figure out money things (upcoming vacation, Christmas coming, plus other bills), he blurted out, "you could move in."  Um, WHAT? 

 

He told me he had been thinking about it and loved me and wanted me to move in.  He would clean out part of the unfinished apartment he has on the first floor of his house for my cats to move into.  He was going to build me a closet for my stuff.  He had it all figured out. 

 

We were thinking about it... I was staying there that week, getting ready from there in the morning for work and the cats would move in downstairs the following weekend to make sure it worked before seeing if I'd officially give notice on my apartment when I paid my November rent. 

 

Originally I told work that I would be taking a long lunch for a doctor appointment on the 19th.  I planned on coming back to work but if it was bad news, I wouldn't be back.  The mammogram was first and was just like the 3 I had in the past year and a half. 

 

I HATED waiting the half hour until the ultrasound.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have NO patience at all.  I hate waiting. 

 

When the tech took me in and started, she was pushing and probing, clicking and saving ultrasound images as she went.  Then she started measuring spots on the images she was saving.  It was a long ultrasound.  And I knew. 

 

The tech left the room to have the radiologist look at the images and said she'd be right back.  That's when I sent the first of three back to back text messages to my boyfriend, as tears started rolling down my face. 

 

"She is showing the dr. now. Starting to freak out now.  LONG time for the ultrasound with a ton of freeze shots & she said nothing the whole time.

 

"I just have a really bad feeling & trying not to cry right now while I wait."

 

"Biopsy next fri at 8:30am.  I will call in a few."

 

That week sucked.  Sucked.  I started doing some research.  I tried putting it out of my mind, but it was all I could think about.  I called my ob office and asked for something to take the day of the biopsy.  I don't do well with medical procedures.  She gave me a prescription for Xanax and instead of the 2 I was expecting for that day, she gave me 30.  To help me relax during the week, waiting for Friday morning.  She said, "to shut your brain off, so you can get some sleep."  And that's what I needed.  My mind would NOT shut off.

 

Everyone that I talked to kept telling me not to worry, that I would be okay.  SO many women need to have a breast biopsy done and its fine.  It is just really really common, so don't worry.

 

But I knew.  And I knew I had reason to worry.  I cried in my boyfriends arms.  I didn't want this.  I didn't want to lose my hair.  I was so scared.

 

He took Friday morning off to take me to the biopsy and to then bring me home.  It wasn't long.  But I had tears streaming down my face before they were done.  The radiologist gave me his card and said to call his personal cell phone number over the weekend if I had any questions at all. 

 

Monday, October 29th.  Hurricane Sandy hit.  My boss had sent a text message on Sunday night that our office would be closed.  I had already checked a few emails and done what I could, but was having trouble opening everything I needed to see on my laptop at home. 

 

I don't think I have ever been that grateful for a horrible weather event as I was for Sandy.  I was home on Monday.

 

The call came in at 1:09pm from Kristin at the ob office.  I have their number saved on my phone as "Dr OB Gyn".  I saw it come up on the caller ID and as I grabbed my phone & ran to the back of the house where my boyfriend was working from home.  He walked towards the doorway just in time to see my face as Kristin said, "We got the results from the biopsy.  It tested positive for cancer."

 

I froze.  My face, heart and stomach all dropped.  I couldn't believe it.  Even though I knew on day one when I first felt it, I wasn't expecting her to confirm it.  OH MY GOD! 

I had tears streaming down my face as she continued to talk.  My boyfriend put his arms around me as I sat on the bed in the back bedroom on the phone, silently sobbing on the phone.  I asked what stage it was, she couldn't tell me without further testing done. 

 

Kristin said they were calling the Breast Care Center to get me an appointment.  It was at the new Dana Farber/Brigham and Womans Cancer Center at South Shore Hospital.  A nurse from Kristin's office would be calling me within an hour to let me know what was going on.  They were closing early for the storm, but would give me information before they closed.

 

I hung up the phone and began to sob.  SOB.  My boyfriend put his arms around me and told me he loved me.  He said, lets go in the other room.  I started to walk, and just collapsed on the floor in the hallway, hysterical.  I couldn't understand, couldn't comprehend this.  OH MY GOD NO!

 

He tried to help me up and he put his arms around me.  I pushed him away and ran through the house to our bedroom, threw myself on the bed and just sobbed and sobbed.  Jim came into the bedroom, laid down next to me and wrapped his arms around me.  He kept telling me he loved me and it would be okay. 

 

I told him he could take it back.  When he asked me to move in, this wasn't on the plate.  I couldn't walk away from dealing with this, but he could.  Why would he want to deal with this??  He could take it back.  I hadn't given notice on my apartment and I didn't have to.  I would understand if he didn't want this.  It was a lot.  A LOT.

 

The one thing that I will remember more than anything else is when he told me, "Why would I walk away from my best friend?"  He said that he loved me, he was in this and it 100%.  He would do whatever he could for me.  I would just have to deal with it because he wasn't going anywhere. 

 

He just held me in his arms as I cried and cried and said how scared I was.  And he kept telling me that he loved me. 

 

I sent a text out to a few friends who knew I was going through this and was waiting for the results.  I said, "Dr. called.  I was right.  It was bad news.  They are trying to get me an apt at the breast care center this week.  Can't say what stage until lymph nodes biopsies done.  Please dont call.  I can't talk.  I can't even say it out loud.  Just really really scare right now."

 

Their responses were perfect.  I have great friends.  The planned, organized, on top of it all one responded "Ok.  1 step at a time. You are in shock & need time.  We are all here for you when you are ready.  You WILL get through this."

 

The dry, sarcastic, punch it out, no nonsense one said, "Take care and let me know if need anything.  Kickboxing tomorrow night?

 

The one who with me we have been called "the party girls" responded with "Oh julie I'm so sorry plz let me know if you just want to vent and scream... I'm here for you!!  Are you with Jim?  If not do u want to come over?  Hurricane party!!"

 

And the super sweet, under 30 one sent over, "Oh my gosh Julie!  I am so sorry.  I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better.  But please know that I am here for you.  I'm right next door to the cancer center- so I could meet you for support.  I was obviously hoping for better news but life is ridiculous.  I heart you girl- call/text me if you want to talk, anytime.

 

Their responses all fit their wonderful and incredible personalities so well.  I love them all so much and lucky and grateful to have them in my life.

 

At 1:45 I got the next call, Dr Ob Gyn.  It was the nurse saying she was getting me the appointment at the breast cancer center.  They would be calling within the next could of hours to let me know when my appointment was scheduled for.  She asked how I was, told me how sorry she was and said how great the breast cancer center was, that they would take great care of me.

 

The breast care center called at 2:45 with my appointment info.  Thursday, November 1st at 10:30am. 

 

Later on Monday, I had to call my parents.  I put my cell on speaker so Jim could jump in when I couldn't talk.  Mom answered and I told her to have Dad pick up the other line.  I still couldn't say much.  All I could do was tell them the order of the appointments.  Felt the lump, called the dr who sent me for the mammogram & ultrasound.  They set up the biopsy which was that past Friday and my doctor just called with the results.  Not good and positive. 

 

Mom asked what that meant.  I still couldn't say it. I couldn't hear it.  THE C WORD. 

 

That afternoon, during Hurricane Sandy, the rain wasn't bad.... it was just the wind around here.  My boyfriend suggested we take the dog for a walk, just to get out.  I always walk him across the street in the VERY old cemetery (stones from the 1800's).  It was mild day, lots of wind, beautiful fall colors out and about. 

 

Jim never left my side on Monday... well, other than to run to the store for some more groceries for a late lunch early dinner.  His mom called while I was chopping up the veggies.  He knew I couldn't handle hearing THE C WORD and had a hard time telling his mom without really saying anything.

 

He told her I heard some bad news and then went through the rest of it. 

 

All day long, like a broken record, all I could hear playing over and over and over again in my mind was "I HAVE CANCER.  I HAVE CANCER.  I HAVE CANCER."  It sucked.  But I couldn't say it out loud.  I just couldn't.  I couldn't get those words out of my mouth. 

 

It was around 9pm while were laying on the sofa.  I forced myself to say it.  Jim had his arms around me, holding me. My head was buried in his shoulder.  I made myself say it.

 

I have cancer. 

 

Jim held me.  He said, "I'm sorry baby.  I love you." 

 

That's everything leading up to one of the worst days of my entire life. 

 

I know I have great support in my life.  Jim is AMAZING.  He says and does everything that I need before I even know I need it.  I couldn't do any of this without him.  And my friends are incredible too.  I'm blessed to have the support system that I do.  I know that as things continue, I am going to need them more and more and more. 

 

This week was a struggle.  Tuesday I went to work.  I told a few people there who knew about the biopsy.  Not sure how productive I was in the office, as I was still processing it and trying not to cry.  I took up my friend on the suggestion for kickboxing.  It was good to punch the hell out of the bag, even though I was a bit limited with my wrist. (No inverts or hooks with my right arm, no pushups, plank or burpies either.  I wasn't complaining about no burpies!)

 

Kristin's nurse called me on Tuesday to see how I was doing and check in with me.  Kristin wasn't in that day but was thinking about me.  I managed to get more work during the day on Wednesday, but left the office for my appointment with the occupational therapist for my wrist.  I told her that day too..... that I have Breast Cancer.  It was getting easier to say it out loud at that point without crying. By then, my circle of contacts continued to grow.  I told a few other friends, some family and more people at work too. 

 

Kristin called me at work on Wednesday to see how I was.  She got the remaining results of the pathology report from the radiologist. 

 

Specifically, on the report:
Invasive carcinoma with both ductal and lobular features, poorly differentiated (grade 3/3) {grade is different than stage}. One focus is suspicious for lymphatic/vascular invasion.

Estrogen receptor: diffusely (95%) strongly positive

Progesterone Receptor:  diffusely (95%) strongly positive

HER-2: negative

1.7 cm herogenous irregular/lobulated solid mass

 

Because this is hormone positive, I needed to be off the pill as soon as possible.  This cancer basically feeds off of hormones.  Being on the pill, I'm giving it food.  BUT, I can't get pregnant during treatment.  Had a few options and best was a non-hormonal IUD.  Great.

 

She was setting me up for 2pm on Thursday, after I meet the breast oncologist in the morning.  I told her I had taken the day off of work, knowing I couldn't handle working after that appointment.  The only plan was for a pedi to hopefully take my mind off of things. 

 

I asked about my fertility.  I have been more on the side of not having kids than wanting to have them (I'd have to COMPLETELY change my life if I ever had children) but I wasn't sure I wanted that choice completely taken away from me either.  She was going to talk to an office they work with about it and would talk to me at my Thursday appointment. 

 

She called me about an hour later.  Kristin canceled my appointment with her and told me I had one at 4pm with a fertility preservation specialist.  She asked if my boyfriend could go too.  He was going with me to the am one at the breast cancer center but if he could with his work, I was sure he'd be there for me.  Kristin said to wait and see what they both say about the IUD before she does it and she would fit me in whenever.

 

Thursday came... LONG story there (and I'm getting tired of typing at this point!).  PAGES of note taking, 6 business cards, over 3 hours of appointments and all on 3 1/2 hours of sleep.  I was TOAST.

 

The breast oncologist who spent over an hour with us, answering every crazy question I had for her... and I had PAGES.  She was incredible. 

Best part of that day... I asked, "What is my prognosis?"  Her very quick answer was "Great."  and I wrote that down right next to the question in my notebook .

 

 

Lots of information between her and the fertility appointment.  More phone calls for referrals need to be done and I have 3 appointments already scheduled for next week... might have a forth with the nutritionist at the breast cancer center too. 

 

Monday am is the MRI, which will see more than the ultrasound picked up.  Wednesday is blood work at 9:30, Medical Oncologist at 10 and the Genetic Counselor at 11.  (the nutritionist might be after that, since I'm already there... they were great about having the appointments piggy-back.)

 

Right now, I don't know what the treatment options will be.  I'm either Stage I or Stage II, but that depends if it spread to the lymph nodes. 

 

All those mammograms I have had in the past year and a half, including the one 2 weeks ago?  Didn't show the lump!  My breast tissue is too dense to show it.  They only saw it on the ultrasound.  I was told to be prepared that more will show up on the MRI and I will most likely get a call because of that.  The MRI will see anything that has blood going to it, could be a benign cyst, another tumor or whatever... they don't know. 

 

The breast oncologist said that for a tumor to grow to the size of mine, the average amount of time is 5 years.  I HAVE HAD THIS FOR 5 YEARS!

 

The MRI may also give an indication if the cancer is spreading to my lymph nodes.  From the original pathology report, "One focus is suspicious for lymphatic/vascular invasion."  That means it could be spreading, maybe.  They took 5 samples from the biopsy.  One of 5 showed that.  I'll know more later.

 

And the genetic counselor will be testing me for the BRCA gene, to see if I have a higher risk or breast or ovarian cancer.  Women who test positive for BRCA have a 60% greater chance of developing breast cancer.  Many choose double mastectomies and complete hysterectomy are preventative measures. 

 

IF I test negative for BRCA and IF there are not indications that it is spreading to my lymph nodes, then I would have an option for a lumpectomy.  First I would need 2-4 months of chemo to shrink the tumor, which couldn't start until mid or late December.  I could have the lump removed March or April-ish, then do radiation, 5 days a week for 5-6 weeks. 

 

But, if I test positive for BRCA and if it looks like it may be spreading to my lymph nodes, or if I just want to decide this option, I could have a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction.  From my research online, the women's heath and cancer act requires symmetry for reconstruction, so if I choose this route and choose an, um, upgrade... I'd need to match. 

 

I've been going back and forth with my options, but I want to know more.  Is it spreading?  If not, and I go with a mastectomy, then I might not require chemo.  I'll have to me on a hormone blocker for 5 years since this is hormone positive.  Between that and the mastectomy, if it isn't spreading, chemo may not be necessary after surgery. 

 

That means I won't lose my hair. 

 

If a lumpectomy is an option and I choose that, I need to have chemo to shrink it first.  And I will lose my hair.  But I will keep my real breast... I will keep ME. 

 

If both options are available, I don't know what I want to do.  I just don't know.

 

And at the same time, in about a month, I'll be starting fertility drugs too.  For about 2 weeks, they will have me on those, checking my blood every few days (at least that can be done at 8am!).  So, I'd most likely start that early December, then mid December, after 2 weeks on the drugs, they would harvest my eggs.  If I want to have an option of having kids in the future... gonna need to freeze something now. 

 

I'll be on the hormone blocker for 5 years.  I'm 38.  When I'm done, I'm 43?  And if I have radiation or chemo, and if I'm not pushed into early menopause from all of everything?  Would I have any eggs left then?  So I don't have a choice.  Either I freeze something now and I can have a choice later, or I freeze nothing and there is no option for a choice in the future.  Going with the freezing option. 

 

Holy Crap I have been writing for a LONG time.  So much for a nothing first entry on this blog.  Too much information.  Been a LONG crazy week.  I didn't even mention the mess with the IUD on Friday (Kristin gave me a prescription for Vicodin for the insane and completely NOT normal response I had to having it put in, AFTER I was brought in a wheelchair next door to the imaging center for an ultrasound to see if it perforated my uterus, which is did not). 

 

And another thing!  Kristin... she is amazing.  I spent 15-20 minutes with her just talking yesterday.  i reminded her that 3 weeks earlier I was in the same exam room, telling her that when I have more tests, it is always confirming, not ruling out.  She remembered. 

 

She said she had been going over her notes and my records to see if she missed anything.  She didn't feel anything on my exam in May, nothing was on any of my mammograms.  I didn't miss an annual.  I didn't miss a mammogram.  All of the guidelines were followed and both her and I did everything right. 

 

But it happened anyway.

 

MY PLAN, is to use this blog to vent as well as to update family and friends on what's going on, if anyone wants to know. 

 

I am 38 years old and 5 days ago I was told I have Breast Cancer. 

 

I'm in for another crazy ride in my life.  I will beat this.  I will get through this.  I have the best support system that is possible anywhere.  I have amazing people in my life.  I am being treated through Dana Farber/Brigham and Womens Cancer Center!  Best of the best with everything. 

 

And as one of my best friends told me... I am now a Breast Cancer Survivor. 

 

Thanks for reading. 

J