Looking Up?

The past week and a half have been pretty good.  I'm almost afraid to say that things are slightly looking up for me.  Every time I think things are getting getting, I get pulled backwards again.  So I'm not getting too excited.

BUT... Jim and I are really getting along.  We are laughing again and having fun again.  Pressure is off and things have been okay.  I'm trying really hard to not lean on him as much as I was, for EVERYTHING.  That is really helping.

Last week was fun.  Monday-Thursday, I was out with friends 3 of those nights.  Dinner on Wednesday with Michelle was kind of what I needed to turn things around.  We haven't gotten together in way too long and it was so nice to catch up on absolutely everything, like the old days.  It was nice. 

This week, I started the LiveStrong Program at the YMCA.  Our first time was yesterday and I hopped on a treadmill.  I jogged for 10 1/2 minutes!  I was VERY proud of me!  I didn't think I could do that.  I haven't tried to do any running at all since I was in Puerto Rico, November of 2012!  So that is my starting point. 

I'm really looking forward to this program.  I think its what I need.  Free for 12 weeks, twice a week for the classes for the same group of 12 of us.  They hold us accountable and this is exactly what I need.  I'm really happy about it.  Hopefully from here, things will start to get better for me with my fitness and weight. 

Next week is going to be really busy for me.  I'm swimming 2 nights, have a Dana Farber support group before one of them, doing Paint Nite, and meeting my cousin for dinner.  I have plans Monday-Thursday night next week!  Plus I have a few things going on during the day too, including my pre-op on Tuesday. 

Tomorrow we have Jim's niece for the day.  She's an absolute doll and I'm really looking forward to it.  We'll be hitting the pool again and we are also going to go to a dog sledding event nearby.  She'll love that!  She loves hanging out with Uncle Jimmy and Auntie Julie.  :)

What else? 

Surgery.  In 12 days.  I'm trying hard to not be nervous about it, but I am.  Its another big step.  Reconstruction.  I'm excited that I'll finally have the rocks removed.  The expanders are so hard and with radiation, I have so much scar tissue in my right breast.  They are SO heavy and uncomfortable. 

I guess the best way to describe it, I feel like I'm wearing a tight bra after a LONG day.  ALL the time.  I take a deep breath, and I can feel the muscles in my chest pull with the expanders.  NOT fun, not comfortable and not natural.  I'm looking forward to having more of a natural look and feel.  Right now my right breast has almost no give at all.  It's like poking a super over-filled rubber ball.  Not soft at all.  Not what I felt like before surgery at all.  So maybe this will bring me a bit close to where I was and a bit like natural breasts.  Who knows.  It can't be worse than they feel right now, so at least it will be a step up. 

So right now, I'm trying to feel positive.  I'm happy with the LiveStrong program and I'm hoping that it will continue.  I'm hoping that I'll get stronger and that I'll feel better about myself, how I look and that I'll gain some confidence along the way. 

OH!  I got two tattoos!  Last Friday.  The one year anniversary of the bilateral surgery.  It was a weird day for me emotionally.  I kept looking back at where I was.  What time of day it was, where was I a year earlier?  Was I still in surgery?  Was I in recovery? Which surgeon was working on me? 

Jim was great with me on Friday.  We drove up to my tattoo guy in NH.  Jim paid for them both, they were my Christmas presents from him.  First I got the one on my ribcage that Jim and I designed.  I told him everything that I wanted in the tattoo and I did research online, looking for images which were closest to what I wanted.  He took all of that and put it into one tattoo for me.  We emailed that to the tattoo guy and he tweaked it a bit for me and got the size right. 

When we were done with that tattoo, I said I wanted a second one, small, on my left wrist.  That one took less than 10 minutes to do!  And I love it. :)  I saw something that I liked, but I wanted more to it. 

I keep forgetting to have Jim take a picture of the one on my ribcage but here is the second one I got which is on the inside of my left wrist.

And It Continues

I'm still not in a great place emotionally, no matter how much I try.  Monday night, after I wrote, I ended up having a panic attack and then had insomnia that night. 

My plan had been to go to kickboxing yesterday morning, but Jim had a flat tire and needed to take my car to work.  I figured I would just go to the evening class instead of the morning class.  That didn't end up happening either.

Overall lately, I haven't been feeling right.  A couple of weeks ago I just got so weak, I couldn't even stand up anymore.  I was sitting on the floor in the middle of the kitchen, flopped over because I couldn't even hold up my head.  Jim had to help me up and he helped me into bed.  Since then, on and off, I'll feel lightheaded, dizzy and/or weak. 

Last night I started to feel all of it again.  I got up to walk to the bedroom and ended up passing out on my way.  Jim had to help me and he got me onto the sofa. 

I think part of it may be anxiety, I don't know.  I get so overwhelmed that I think my body just shuts down.  It could also have something to do with the muscle tension in my back, shoulders, neck & jaw.  Those are worse and the headaches are getting worse too. 

Something has to give.  Soon.  I hit my max over a month ago and the hits just keep on coming. 

I know I need to get out of my own head.  I know that's a huge part of my problem.  The anxiety gets so out of control.  I see the worse case of everything and worry about it happening.  My body is reacting to all of the stress I'm just thinking about.  I'm not sleeping... last night I might have gotten 3 hours. 

I'm physically, mentally and emotionally spent.  I have nothing left in me. 

New Year

It has been a while since I last wrote.  I guess so much has been on my mind it has been hard to get it all out.  Things haven't been easy over the past couple of months for me.

With New Year, I'm trying to be more positive, but that isn't always easy for me.  I have gotten so overwhelmed with so many things happening all at once and sometimes it is hard to know which way to turn.  And reaching out for help isn't something I am comfortable doing at this point. 

Right now I am 30 pounds heavier than I was when I was diagnosed.  I still have absolutely no energy.  One day out takes another to recover.  I have 0 confidence and 0 self esteem right now.  But what I lack there, I more than make up for with the level of anxiety I have. 

Things with Jim haven't been easy.  He has taken care of me physically, financially and emotionally.  I have put so much pressure on him to make up for the confidence I don't have in myself, and I know that isn't fair.  Add in the pressure he has at his job, and things are not easy with us. 

I hate being like this.  I hate feeling like this.  I don't know if there was ever a time I had so little confidence in myself.  Nothing fits me.  Whenever I get ready to go anywhere, I have a breakdown.  I hate what I see in the mirror.  I'm feel like a fat, scarred freak. 

I'm broke.  After adding up expected copays for just January and February, it is over $900.  If it wasn't for Jim, I couldn't make ends meet each month.  There is no way I could afford to live on my own without Jim.  That scares the hell out of me, especially with how tough things have been between him and I.  I really don't know what I would do. 

Then other friendships.  The lost ones.  Some friends have said that they have been busy with work and everything else and they say that is why they haven't had time to get together.  Sometimes they are even too busy to reply to emails.  But then I hear how this one and that one are getting together and see things posted online.  So I can take them at their word, that they are too busy to get together or reply and that means that I'm just not even thought of at all when they do have time to get together with other people.  Or, its intentional.  Either way, it sucks.

Every day I have a goal to not cry but most days I can't meet that goal.  I feel so sad and so down all the time.  I'm scared.  I don't know where I'm going.  I feel like I'm in a boat, lost and drifting, with no land in sight. 

I feel like I'm fake.  When I see people, I put on a happy face.  Everyone thinks I'm doing great.  Then I get home and I break down and lose it. 

The massage therapist I see at Dana Farber keeps asking me what I'm stressed about.  My shoulders and back have gotten even worse.  The knots I feel, she can't even get to because there are layers of knots over them.  Layers.  Right now I'm so sore, even in my jaw.  I've always held tension in my shoulders.  Now things are so out of control, it is more than my back at that is suffering. 

She is surprised that I don't have loss of feeling in my hands because of how much the knots are pushing on my nerves.  She thinks that why I have headaches, jaw pain and weakness in my hands. 

It is hard for me to reach out.  I'm not in a good enough place emotionally to handle any rejection at all.  I'm afraid.  So I put on the happy face and pretend.