Since I missed yesterday (plus many more days!), Happy 5th!
I have always love the 4th of July. When I was a kid, my entire extended family would all get together for a huge cookout, then they would set off crazy fireworks (and then the police would show up).
At this point, I'm still with family, but a much smaller group. My parents, brother and his girlfriend and my boyfriend. My parents rent a place at the beach we always went to when I was little... where my grandparents rented before that. Hard to not be in the sun this year, but I'm away, so I guess that's all that matters.
Last night after sunset, we headed past the few houses between us and the beach. It was high tide, so everything was up close this year. There were so many people on the beach! Near us, I think there were about 5 or 6 different groups setting off fireworks and really good ones too. The weather was perfect on the beach, with such a great breeze. People were cheering and clapping after each good grouping. It was just really nice.
Overall this week has been good. I had a few meltdowns, but much less than I had expected. Driving the 70 miles each way to get radiation treatments four days wasn't fun at all. Today I was up at 5am, out the door just after 6, in the Dunkin drive-thru then on the highway at 6:20. We got there around 7:25.
After my treatment, we stopped for gas then went home to feed and check on the cats, who are doing great. Then back on the road. We were down here just after 9:30 this morning. That's a long couple of hours! And I did that 4 times this week.
Last Friday morning I got an oil change. I looked at my mileage when we were at the gas station, which is just around the corner from where I got the oil change done. In 7 days I put 860 miles exactly on my car! WOW! And that was before getting home and driving back down here. It takes me over 4 months to drive 3000 miles. In the past week I almost did 1000!
Today when we got back, I took a nap for an hour or so. It was nice yesterday, when I didn't have radiation, and I could sleep until 9am. I missed that. I felt SO much better yesterday getting sleep. Wednesday I was a cranky bitch! 3 days in a row of being up at 5am, doing that back and forth ride, not sleeping well at night and not being able to take any naps with people coming in and out of the cottage slamming the door the whole time. It hit me hard by Wednesday (that was the day of 2 of the meltdowns. BIG meltdowns.)
Jim is hanging out watching a movie on his laptop. I woke up about an hour ago and I've been clearing out emails. I haven't really spent much time online this week... almost no facebook for me and I have no life! That's all I seem to do.
Wednesday afternoon we were at the beach for about 2 hours. I applied spf 50 to my body and 100+ to my face and head about 20 minutes before we went to the beach. I sat under an umbrella, faced away from the sun, reapplied my sunscreen and STILL ended up with some color on my chest. Jim put sunscreen on, spf 50, but never reapplied and sat facing the sun. Two days later, his chest is still pink. Poor guy. But he hasn't been complaining about it at all.
My hair is growing back much faster than I had expected. I'm glad I buzzed off the peach fuzz and now it is all growing in evenly. Of course my eyebrows are falling out more and more each day. That just seems like a cruel joke! Just as the hair on my head is growing, I lose my eyebrows and look worse. But I have gotten better at penciling them in. Jim said he wouldn't even be able to tell (and can only tell when I show him with only one eye done) When we compare them, one penciled and one not, the difference is crazy! Maybe I'll remember to snap a picture at some point to share... hair growing, one eyebrow done, one not. LOL! What a look!
This week has been hard in some ways through. Staying with my parents and brother... all the old issues come up. Toss in cancer and fatigue and me still being an emotional mess. I'm actually surprised I haven't had more meltdowns this week. I think that is because of Jim. He's just good at calming me down and helping me when I get to that point where I'm just done.
It is hard thinking about the future. I don't know what's next. I don't know who will be in my life when this is done. What will I be like when this is done? And will it ever really be done? I don't think so. It will always be in my life. It will always be part of me going forward. Every little thing that happens, is it related to my treatments? Or is it something new? But still a part of a cancer thing?
Just having this week to look back isn't easy. I was here over forth of July last year. This wasn't my life then. I was running and exercising ALL the time. I had my long hair pulled back under a hat. I was thin and had energy. I felt like I had so many friends. So much has changed in a year.
The thing I hate the most is the uncertainty about life in general... everything. All my questions... the what's next and who and all that. I'm unsure about everything. I don't know what my life will look like in 3 months, forget about having a 5 year plan!
I'm so insecure about everything, fearful about so many things. I am better at facing my fears with physical things.... Stand Up Paddle Boarding, Trapeze School, things like that. Physically, sure, throw my body into whatever and I'll figure it out and manage or not manage, but try my best.
But with the emotional side of things? Nope! I have such a hard time facing the unknown and facing my fears and forging ahead when it comes to that. I talk myself out of it, let the fears take hold and swirl in spirals in my head, round and round, growing and growing with each spin.
Will Jim and I survive this? Will him and I still be together come fall when I am done with treatment? Or am I only still living with him because I am still going through cancer treatments and he's too nice to do something like that?
What about friends? I am SO grateful for the friends who have been there for me, and who have stuck by me during this. I know it hasn't been easy and I know that I've been all over the place (try living with it, but not being able to change it at the time! Even WORSE!)
The "old" friends who I have reconnected with, what will happen when my drama is over and I'm done with treatments and my life goes on? How will that impact those friendships? And the friends who never left or the ones that got stronger this year? Will they stay like this?
What about the people who drifted off? Who I don't see or hear from much or ever anymore? Will they come back around after this? Will I want them to? How would I react to see or hear from people who aren't there now?
And working out? I haven't done that in months! Will I have the strength to do that again? Will I want to do that again? Will I lose this weight and not feel like a fat slob? How long will it take to feel like I look even just okay again? Instead of feeling like I look like a bald fat scarred freak? Will I ever have self confidence or self esteem again?
2013 has been tough and we are only half way through it. What is the rest of the year going to be like? Will I ever stop being afraid? Will I ever have trust in life, people or anything again?
This week I've been in my head more than usual. I'm tired all the time and frustrated that it is too much to even take a walk down the beach. I have been thinking about what I might want my life to look like in the future and I just don't know anymore. And that's what scares me the most. I am even afraid to think about what my future looks like. I don't know if I am going to like what I see.
