Sometimes it is just a little hard to stay super positive with everything.  Toss in the hormones for the fertility thing and its just been rough.  Right now I'm  human pin cushion and look like an addict.  My arms are bruised from having blood taken almost daily.  Forget about my quads!  I had 3 shots last night, 3 this morning and one more tonight. 

Last week they said I'd have my blood work & ultrasound on Sunday and most likely the "trigger" shot on Sunday night.  Sunday afternoon they said the same thing again... more blood work and another ultrasound Monday morning and most likely the trigger shot Monday night. But no!  Increase the dose again (was 225 units, then 450, then as of Thursday it was 525).  Last night and this morning for 600 units each time, plus a 2nd injection as well.

And the 600 units comes in a preloaded pen which does 450 unit max.  So that's the 3 shots last night and this morning. 

After that call yesterday, scheduling today's blood work and ultrasound, my fertility dr called.  My hormone levels are all over the place.  I only have 2 follicles over 10mm and one egg per follicle, max.  He wanted me to be prepared to not have any eggs. 

Then he wanted me to move my surgery date for later in January so I could do another cycle of this then.  Um, no.  I have invasive cells.  I'm not pushing it back to wait even longer!  I've waited long enough. 

And if he was to do another cycle, I need either an IUD or the pill.  I can't take any hormones with cancer cells being hormone positive (and they are watching those levels with the fertility hormone meds) and my body does not accept IUDs.  So... if I have no eggs that make it, that's pretty much it.

Then my ob/gyn office called me back about any birth control options.  Condoms or basically getting my tubes tied.  Two options.  Surgical and they cut the tubes or an office procedure where they put something in to block the tubes and scar tissue grows around it.  That takes 3 months to work. 

The nurse said, well you're having your eggs taken so you won't need your tubes to work anyway. You'll just need your uterus.  Yeah, okay, that makes me feel better. 

Those 2 calls were within 2 hours.  I left work over an hour early, just couldn't take anymore.

I didn't have enough of the medication for the 600 units twice.  In rush hour traffic we had to drive up and back to Waltham to pick up the refill pens.  This time they gave me 4, which is a total of 10 that I got.  My co-pays for those 10 pens plus 2 other injection meds, pills, needles and all the other crap including sharps container was a total of $150. The cost for the 4 pens last night in total?  $5,254!!!  In total, all of it has cost almost $14,000. 

$14,000?  And when I have this done on Thursday I might not have any viable eggs?  Really?  All these shots, night after night?  For nothing?

This is it.  This is my one chance.  I'm not saying that I KNOW I want to have kids.  I'm not saying that at all.  I just want to have a choice at some point. 

So many choices are being taken away from me.  I'm just being told everything to do.  I have no choice.  I don't want more choices just taken.  If I don't have kids, I want that to be MY choice, not because I can't. 

This just sucks. 

Otherwise...  The surgery date was changed.  The plastic surgeon had a cancellation and it got moved up to January 10th.  I'm glad I'm going sooner.  I want all of this out of me.  Plus, the sooner I have surgery, the sooner I recover, the sooner I start chemo and the sooner I'm done. 

Just trying to get my head in a better place.  That has been hard lately.  Its one thing after another, and nothing is easy.  None of it goes smoothly.  None of it.  Its overwhelming and frustrating.  I can't get away from it.

Plus, with the fertility crap, I can't exercise.  I'm home.  Tonight was great!  Out for dinner with a great friend.  SO needed!!!  (Thank you!!)  Trying to keep busy and not just sit home after work has been difficult.  Too much time to sit and think and get in my head.  NOT good for me. 

Tomorrow is low key, then Thursday is the "harvest" to see if all of these shots were worth it.  Other than that, not too much between now and surgery.  HOPEFULLY the surprises are done, but we'll see.  Still need to figure out a few other things, but we'll see. 


OH!  One interesting thing.  With blogspot, it lets me see stats.  I can see how many pageviews by day, week, month or all time, plus by browser or operating system and where the links came from. 

I've had views from Germany, the UK and Netherlands!  In the past week alone I had 2 views from Germany.  Kind of weird.  And just nice to see that many people are actually viewing this. 

This is info from the past month:

Pageviews by Countries

Entry	Pageviews
United States	471
Germany	5
United Kingdom	3
Netherlands	1