The weekend was very busy, starting with Saturday. We made several stops on our way up, but got up to Gloucester to tons of food at my uncle's house. It was nice to see my dad's family and my grandfather. I hadn't seen so many of them in way too long. I ate too much and drank too much wine, but I'm glad we went.
I still feel bad though. It was Jim's birthday. We were there a LOT longer than I had expected. I owe him big time for that one! Spending his birthday with my family.
Sunday morning I was home doing my own thing and Jim was out and about finishing up his shopping. We met my friend Jen and her boyfriend to watch the Pats game and have lunch. That was fun. Nice to get out, the food (again!) was great. It was the 3rd day in a row where I had a few drinks, and that is not like me anymore. I'm really not even supposed to be drinking at all! Not with some of the medications I'm taking. Typically its only on Friday night, but with the holidays? WOW!
Monday was crazy! I was out just after 7am to get to the bakery for Christmas desserts. On my way back it was off to the dry cleaners, supermarket plus Home Depot for a gift certificate. After the four stops, I was home a little after nine then back in bed by 9:15 for a 2 1/2 hour nap!
For some reason I'm not sleeping lately. I fall asleep great, but then somewhere between 2-3am, I'm WIDE AWAKE! And that goes on for about 2 hours. Every single night for about a week now. Its killing me! I'm just so exhausted every day.
My Monday Christmas Eve nap was exactly what I needed. After lunch, I got the rest of my Christmas gifts together and started to get ready. We had a few last minute stops to pick up the rest of the restaurant gift certificates. Then we were off to Jim's parent's house for Christmas Eve. It was new for me to have Chinese food that night, instead of the fish fry I was used to. But the desserts? WOW! No change with that in an Italian house!
It was great seeing Jim's niece open up her gifts. She is just so cute and was so excited to open each new gift.
One thing I have been very lucky with is Jim's family. When you meet someone new and that relationship becomes more serious, you are also getting that person's family, good or bad. Well, I'm lucky. Jim's family is great. From day one they have always made me feel so welcome at each family gathering. I walk in and I'm immediately being hugged and welcomed by everyone in his big extended family. Now they look at me and tell me who is hosting the next Sunday dinner and there are two in January but I'm not sure Jim knows about them both.
We were at his parent's later than we had planned. We were home closer to 10pm and I was about an hour late for my shots that night, which wasn't great. Man, this new one sucks. It HURTS getting it. I can feel it. Who knew I'd call the original one "the easy shot". I hate needles!
Speaking of! I had an ultrasound and blood work this morning. HOLY CRAP! For once, the blood work didn't hurt much, which was great. But when I took the gauze and tape off my arm, it was soaked through with blood. Even now, my arm is still red and already bruising. They kill me with these. I'm going to look like an addict again after a few more times getting my blood taken. No matter who does it, going every few days just kills my veins.
Another thing we did on Christmas Eve before going out was exchanging gifts. I'm glad we did it early and weren't rushed about it. Jim was so sweet. Last year he got me a great Coach bag which I LOVE. This year he got me a wallet to match. He had a hard time about getting me anything else. He said he didn't want me to always associate whatever he got me with cancer. So he got the wallet and filled it up with gift cards. Macy's, Victoria's Secret, Old Navy, Massage Envy.
How sweet is he?? So thoughtful. He said he knows that I'll need so many new things after surgery and reconstruction, so now I can get what I need and want. I love him so much. When we first saw his parents after I got my diagnosis, I made it a point to thank his mom. He is just such a great person and he has been so caring and thoughtful and just amazing to me through all of this. I couldn't do it without him.
Right from the beginning he was telling me that we would beat this together. When I tried to push him away and gave him a chance to get out and walk away his answer to me was, "why would I walk away from my best friend?" He is so great to me. So yeah, when we first saw his parents after I got my diagnosis, I made it a point to thank his mom for him being who he is. I told her that she raised a great man. And she really really did.
Christmas Day was a lot more running around. First to my parent's house, then to my aunts for dinner #1, then to his aunt's house for dinner #2. We got home last night around 6 or 7. I was SO exhausted after all of it and crashed hard (of course I was still up at 2am!).
Today was back to work. I've been finding it harder and harder to keep focused at work and focused ON work. I'm there physically, but sometimes that's about it. My mind is preparing for everything with surgery. What am I bringing to the hospital for my surgery? What do I have to do around the house to be ready when I get home? What else do I need to buy, like new button down PJ's, slippers to bring with me for the hospital? List after list after list!
Then I came up with a new list. Things I'm going to work on during this, inspired by my friend Michelle, who told me "Stop thinking of what inconveniences or doesn't inconvenience other people. All your energy is to go to getting you thru this with the littlest amount of stress." This was after I asked her if coming over at 7am when Jim leaves for work on the Tuesday and Wednesday after my surgery was too early.
From there, my new list.
1. Setting boundaries when necessary.
2. Asking for and accepting help from others.
3. Managing expectations.
4. Preparing for what I can.
This will help me have a tiny bit of control over things where I can, help to keep my stress & anxiety levels lower, and help me get through this. I think the hardest part for me will be #2, asking for and accepting help. I HATE asking for help from people.
I never want to be a burden on other people. I worked so hard to be independent, to be able to do whatever I need to do on my own. Needing other people? Me? I HATE that. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be an inconvenience on anyone, ever.
But right now I know I NEED to ask for help. I can't do it all. And I can't expect Jim to do everything else. SO I have asked. Or at least tried to ask for help.
When I get home from the hospital, Jim will be home with me over the weekend and on Monday working from home. Michelle will be there on Tuesday and Wednesday. Jen is coming over on either Thursday or Friday. I do need help on the opposite day that week, either Thursday or Friday the 17th or 18th, to be at my house at 7am when Jim leaves for work to basically just sit in my house all day. Anyone interested? The house has wireless internet so you could bring your laptop and work from "home"! Just in case something happens, I'd feel better knowing someone is there to help me.
And I might need help the following week too but I won't know for sure until then.
No other appointments tomorrow, the next is another ultrasound with blood work on Friday morning. Next week I have 2 appointments on Wednesday back to back, but who knows if I'll have to cancel those. That depends on the "harvest" thing and what that ends up being.
That's about it for now.
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