This whole weekend was rough for me. On Saturday after I wrote here, I somehow got worse. Once I start to get into a funk like that, its hard to get out of it. I was a mess.
Jim hasn't slept more than 4 hours a night for weeks, so he's at his end too. He has nothing left at night... when it really starts to hit me hardest. Not a good combo.
After the doctor appointment on Friday, then then anticipation of the next appointment on Monday with the medical oncologist to find out about chemo... it was just too much for me to handle. At one point on Saturday night, in the middle of one of the hysterical fits I had, my boots and jacket were on as I was sobbing. Not sure where I was planning on going, but I just wanted to leave.
Sunday I held it together, but was still down and Jim was still tired. We had a Sunday dinner at his parent's house for his cousin's daughter's birthday. It was nice to see his family and they are all great. We were both edgy on the ride home and barely spoke.
By the time we were home, I was starting to snap again. And Sunday night got even worse. Poor Rocco didn't know what to do. Me deciding to move out to the sofa trying to sleep but sobbing, and Jim in bed, with me yelling at him between my sobs.
I ended up calling the American Cancer Society around 11 or 11:30 that night. I didn't want to bother Jim, and wanted to him sleep so I went into the office at the back of the house. Rocco came running after me and sat on the futon snuggled up against me. I swear he knows whenever something is up.
After the call, I calmed down a little and ended up sleeping back there. It wasn't a good night.
In my mind, I kept thinking that I can't keep doing this to Jim. I can't keep losing it like this and freaking out and having my meltdowns. Granted, they are fewer and far between now (minus two days in a row over the weekend!), but still... I can't do this to him and expect him to pick up the pieces of me after each meltdown.
When I get into that dark place, my mind starts spiraling out of control. I wanted to move, to leave Jim and not do this to him anymore. I was so scared, so overwhelmed with everything. I hated what I was doing to him, but didn't know how to stop. My fear of it all was just crippling.
The only thing I kept saying was, "I can't do this. I can't do this." Over and over and over again.
The this? All of it. Chemo. cancer. Fight. Get sick. Lose my hair. Be scared. Have meltdowns. All of it. I kept thinking of it all and what I don't know if I can do.
Sunday night, I had no fight in me. None. I have not been in such a dark place since the day I got the call with the diagnosis. Sunday night was so bad for me. I felt so alone, so scared. Overwhelmed. Defeated. Done. And if it was a race, if it was a deciding point or decision time, or any make or break moment, I broke. Sunday night, I gave up.
It wasn't a good night for me at all.
Rocco snuggled up with me all night, using my leg as a pillow on the futon. He's been by my side since he got home on Saturday morning. I missed him! But he does know that something is going on with me. I know he knows. He is different with me.
I'm still afraid that I'm overwhelming Jim with my drama and my shit. He's trying so hard. His work is out of control busy and he's trying to land more work so guys don't need to get laid off. Last night he was working until 3am! I try to give him space and let him have what he needs for himself.
Yesterday was better than the weekend. I was still scared about going to the doctor for Monday's appointment. She said I'm doing well and healing well and wants me to start chemo as soon as possible. My next follow-up appointment with the plastic surgeon is on Friday, February 8th. She wants to wait for that to start chemo.
So... I have a date. I start chemo on Tuesday, February 12th. Two weeks from today. I'm freaking out. I'm terrified. I already told Jim, the weekend before chemo, I will be SO much worse than I was this past weekend. I want him to be prepared and know what's coming.
Two weeks from today I start chemo. WTF! That just freaks me out so much. It is really real now. Surgery was a one time thing. I went in, had my boobs ripped open, stitched up and now I'm healing. Chemo? That's for 4 friggin months! And the list of possible side effects is huge! I'm scared.
I'll be doing AC-T for a total of 8 treatments. The first 4 are 2 drugs (the "AC" part) followed by Taxol for the 2nd 4. I'll always go on Tuesday mornings, every 14 days. Twice each month for February, March, April and May.
My hair will fall out by the end of February. That one is killing me. I asked the doctor how long I'll feel like crap. She said typically people begin to start to feel like themselves again after 12-14 days, just when they are due for another treatment. Joy. She said that I'd feel crappy for 3-5 days after the treatment. Wonderful.
So chemo on Tuesday, feel like crap on Wednesday when I go back for a shot to boost my immune system. The shot can cause bone aches. Still feel like crap Thursday and Friday. Then maybe the weekend into the early part of the following week. WONDERFUL!
Jim is going to take me to my first chemo appointment. I was sitting in an infusion room yesterday talking to the charge nurse. She gave me the flu shot there and was checking out my veins on my right arm (she thinks they look okay so I won't need a port inserted in me which I do NOT want to get). While I was waiting for her to get the flu shot ready, I was almost in tears thinking about starting there in 2 weeks for chemo. I just kept saying to Jim, "15 days!" Wow. Now its 14. :(
I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything and it isn't easy. Surgery was one thing. I prepped for it. Got the house ready, bought everything I needed. Had friends lined up to sit with me after I got home. I was ready. I was good. I'm recovering great and no one can believe I had a bilateral mastectomy less than 3 weeks ago! I prepared as best I could to be ready.
I don't have any preparing to do for chemo. I just wait. And wait. I'm still recovering from surgery. I can't work. I can't lift anything. I can't exercise. I can't take the dog for a walk. I don't want to go shopping and I hate daytime tv! I'm bored out of my mind and all I can think about is starting chemo. And it SUCKS.
I'm trying to find things to do and ways to occupy my time. Not easy when other people have jobs and lives.
After I saw the doctor yesterday I popped next door to the hospital to visit with a friend who's dad was there. Her mom passed away 3 weeks ago. A few hours after I left, her dad passed away too. That just sucks. Three weeks to the day she lost both her mom and dad.
Last night was tough. I was spent and trying not to melt down while Jim needed to work and get things done. It wasn't easy.
Today, my friend Pam came over for a bit to visit. It was really nice to see her and to have the company. She brought down really beautiful and super colorful flowers! Love them! (purple, pink, blue and yellow!)
Rocco loved Pam too. It was so cute. He was literally sitting on her lap. We pulled up the "puppy-cam" (explore.org for Misty's Pups- Nursery Cam) to see the puppies and Rocco was going crazy watching doggie tv.
Kind of funny, cuz I still have it up on the big screen TV and Rocco is laying on the sofa with me staring at the TV watching the puppies now. SO funny!!
I think the rest of my week will be busy too, which is nice. Tomorrow I'm going to a support group first, then stopping at my office to say hi, since it is less than a mile away. I haven't seen anyone since before my surgery, so it will be nice to say hello.
Thursday morning I have a follow up appointment with the surgical oncologist, then I'm seeing the social worker after that. Jim will go with me to see the oncologist, but he'll go to work from there. The final visit from the visiting nurses will be after that in the afternoon.
Friday night I'm looking forward to. My friend Carrie is in the Hingham Cabaret, which I have gone to see for a few years. Each year our group seems to grow. Two years ago there were 6 of us to see Carrie in the show. Last year Carrie and Laura were in it and 7 of us went. This year? Carrie's in it again and 10 of us are all going! It should really be a good time. I'm looking forward to seeing all of the girls there. And hopefully a night out will be good for me.
I know I need to take things day by day. Sometimes that isn't that hard, other times it is impossible. ALL of this just becomes so overwhelming. Once I spiral, I keep going out of control. I hate being like that. I hate feeling like that.
The biggest thing for me right now is my own confidence. I lost it. I used to feel good about myself and who I was. I'm not the same person as I was 6 months ago. Too many things have happened and I have changed. And my looks have changed. Long straight blond hair? Short purple hair! And in a month, completely bald. I've gained weight, lost muscle. I feel fat, bloated and ugly. I'm not happy with myself right now and I can't do much to change things.
It sucks. All of it sucks. cancer sucks. It isn't fair.
Sometimes I still feel so disconnected from it all. But I don't have my "to do" list anymore. There isn't more for me to take care of. I'm just going through the motions for each day. That's it.
I guess I lost a purpose. I have nothing I'm doing other than dealing with cancer. And this isn't want I want to be doing. This isn't how I want to spend my time. I didn't sign up for this. But I can't walk away and I can't get away from it. This is now my life. My new life.
I am SO grateful for the incredible amount of support I have. People have been AMAZING. Family is great, friends, people I haven't seen in 20 years from hs! It's crazy! I get cards and mail every day. I love the messages, cards, texts, calls.
PLEASE keep all of that coming! PLEASE! I need that. Days like the past few, when I'm overwhelmed and then anti-social, I don't reply or respond or answer anyone. But I see the messages and I'm touched by the support. I need that now more than ever.
Things are only going to get harder once chemo starts. I'm going to be tired, drained, and feel sick. the side effects are so common on this type of chemo. It is not going to be easy. I'm trying to be a realist and mentally prepare for what's next. That isn't easy either.
Thank you again to everyone I have around me supporting me! It just means SO much to me. With your help, maybe I can find the confidence I had once upon a time. Maybe I can find the strength that people swear I have.
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