Sunday my friend Jill dropped off some food (which was my lunch today and SO good!) and then 2 of my cousins came over for a while. I haven't seen Lisa in forever and I can't remember the last time the 3 of us got together.
Last week Michelle was here on Tuesday and Wednesday. Had my first appointment with a nurse at the plastic surgeons office on Thursday morning (one drain of 4 removed), then my friend Jen was over while Jim was at work. My parents stopped over that night. LONG day.
Friday Laura hung out here with me. She was yelling at me, like everyone else, because I was doing too much. But I only do what I can do. The more I move around, the stronger I feel and the faster I am healing. I don't push it and won't do what I shouldn't do. But I feel good.
Today, the nurse was a bit late coming over. My friend Melanie was over with her daughter Aly and their 4 pound dog Teddy. Good thing Rocco is still with Jim's parents! Rocco would have thought Teddy was a toy! It was really great to see Mel, been WAY too long. And tonight I just relaxed on the sofa and watched TV.
What else? Jim helps me with whatever I need. He washes my hair in the sink, does the laundry, cooks dinner for me (and even my friend daughter!) He's just been so great, even though I have had a few panic attacks in the past 2 weeks that he has had to deal with.
Friends and family continue to be amazing with all the support. I can't thank everyone enough. Flowers, cookies, meals cooked, pajama-gram, cards, breakfast packages, SO many things. Jen made me a BEAUTIFUL blanket, that I am laying under right now.
Cousin Judy sent me a great journal. She brought it to a family reunion I wasn't at in December and passed it around for people to leave messages for me. It literally brought tears to my eyes!
That made me decide that from now on, anyone who visits has to write me a message in the book. So when I'm miserable and feel like crap when I'm going through chemo, or whenever I'm down, I'll have that book to look at and read all these amazing messages from all of the incredible people I have behind me supporting me and wishing me well.
Today Melanie, as INSANE as she is, brought me a Pandora bracelet with several charms. Three of them were for the Susan G Komen Foundation. Insane... I can't believe she would do that, but SO amazing, beautiful and touching.
Here's a picture of the blanket and journal.
Didn't Jen do an amazing job on the blanket??
For the most part, I am doing okay. I feel good and each day feel better than the last. I'm still detached from everything. I'm still doing what I have to do and crossing things off my to do list. Then all of a sudden, something will happen and it will be like a brick to my face. cancer. WTF.
Little things will set me off. And once it starts, I don't know how to get out of it. In the hospital it was horrible, I was still so sore from surgery and hyperventilating during a panic attack, sobbing. Had another one last Wednesday night too. Poor Jim had to deal with it both times. Over the phone when I was in the hospital and home last week.
Somehow, he can get me out of it. His words, his touch... he can just calm me down and things will be okay.
Maybe that's why I have been having them more frequently since surgery. I can't fall asleep in his arms anymore. Last night was the first night that I didn't sleep on the recliner. But even still, I had to be on my back with my arms elevated. I miss falling asleep with his arms wrapped around me. I miss having his arms wrapped around me, forget about just falling asleep like that!
He's afraid of hurting me. I still have three drains in. He doesn't want to bump them or cause me any other sort of pain. My chest hurts, my arms can't go above my shoulders. I'm still really tight and sore. He doesn't want to hurt me or be responsible for making my recovery more difficult. Intellectually, I understand that. Emotionally? It fucking sucks! I just want have his arms wrapped around me and for him to hold me tight. It sucks.
Another hard part of all of this is not being able to do things for myself. Two weeks ago, I was doing the laundry and cleaning the house to prep for coming home. I can't do laundry now. I can't carry it downstairs. I can't reach the lock to the basement door. I can't reach the power buttons for the washer or for the dryer. I can't transfer the laundry from the wash to the dryer and I can't carry it back upstairs. I can fold it. Most of it. That's it.
I can't do the dishes. I can't reach the glasses or plates, or anything on the shelves. I can't reach the top shelf of the fridge. I can't put on my shirts or jacket by myself. I can't wash my hair or even take a shower. I can't even half ass it with the hand held shower from the waist down without help.
I haven't exercised in months, between my fertility treatments then surgery. I've gained weight, but hard to tell how much with 3 damn drains still in me. Per Jim, yeah, I've gained something since I'm not working out at all and I don't have a six pack anymore, but I'm not fat. Wonderful.
I LOVE exercise. I love working out, working up a sweat and feeling my muscles move. I sound like Heather from kick boxing, but its true, "Feel the Burn, Love the Burn" and I do! I LOVE the burn! I love that next morning when my muscles are sore from really pushing it and working hard. I love seeing the results.
Today I walked to the CVS at the end of the street with Melanie, Aly and 4 pound Teddy. Teddy wanted to walk more when we got back to my house. A four pound dog. Great.
I know I'll get there. I know it will happen. I know it is a tough road and won't be easy and its worth it and I'll beat it and ALL that crap. But I still miss my life. I miss everything I lost.
I miss my independence. I miss the ability to do what I want without needing help. I even miss driving and I hate driving. I miss kickboxing. I miss leaving the house. I miss getting out of bed without needing Jim to put his hands on the middle of my back to push me up. I REALLY miss showering. I miss my life, as crazy as it always was, being "normal". I miss the innocence of really honestly believing that everything will be okay.
I know my surgery was common. I trusted in my surgeons completely. But things happen. This was a major surgery and things could have gone wrong.
Jim was my health care proxy with Dana Farber. The night before surgery, I had to remind him of a conversation we had. My wishes. What it means to be my health care proxy. If something happened when I was in surgery and I was a vegetable without much hope of recovering... pull the plug. Don't keep me attached to a machine forever if me and my mind are already gone.
He said, "baby, you'll be fine. Everything will be fine." But if it wasn't, and there was a risk that it wouldn't go well, he needed to know my wishes and be able to comply with my wishes.
I miss the innocence of really honestly believing that everything will be okay.
Things have changed so much over the past few months. I can already feel that I'm different. Jim says that things haven't changed, but they have. Everything has changed. I have changed. I'm a different person already. My priorities are different. My thoughts are different. My choices are different. My entire life is different.
I keep trying to focus on all of the positives. As much bitching as I'm doing, there really are lots of positives too.
HOLY CRAP do have a HUGE and amazing amount of support in my life. HUGE!! I couldn't do it, couldn't get through all of this, if I didn't have the support I have all around me. The cards are out of control and I LOVE it! Some days I get 3 or 4! :) Even a Happy Birthday card from an old friend I haven't seen in geezes... 15 years! She said that the Get Well cards all end up sounding the same. Made me laugh. (a little uncomfortable when my friend's 9 year old daughter wanted to read the card with the Wennie Dog on it and inside it says, "Don't just stay home and play with your wiener, you've got celebrating to do")
The local florists must hate me for the amount of delivering they have done. Third Edible Arrangement came on Friday. Some days I get 3 or 4 deliveries from people! WOW! It is a little overwhelming to know I have this many people in my corner.
Not many people have this much support. It is crazy! My family is great. My friends are wonderful. Old and new friends. Local south shore friends are doing SO much being so close. And it is amazing how many people have reached out on Facebook. Although I haven't flat out said, "I have breast cancer", if anyone reads my facebook updates or looks at my pictures, its kind of a given.
People I have not seen since graduation, over 20 friggin years ago (that is just WRONG! I am NOT that old!) have reached out. SO many. It really is just touching to hear from everyone and feel the true genuine support.
I do understand that some people don't know what to say to me about the whole cancer thing. Dropping off the face of the earth or saying nothing? Yeah not so much. A "hi, thinking of you" all on its own is SO much better than nothing at all. Trust me.
And this isn't just for me personally. If you know anyone going through something, an illness themselves or a loved on, or any other challenging time, saying nothing is as if you do not care and have not thought about that person. It is as if whatever that person is going through is not a thought on your mind, like they do not matter at all. Trust me, I know where the crickets are coming from. Off the top of my head, I have 3. Three VERY unexpected and unrelated people, but still shocking to hear the crickets as loud I have heard them.
But, only three.
The amount of people I have supporting me? I HAVE NO IDEA!! I can't count them all! I am SO lucky for that!
So thank you. Thank all of you who are reading this and who are in my corner. I love, need and appreciate that more than I could ever possibly express. It means so much to me. That's why all the cards are taking over the island in the kitchen. I can't take them down. I need the reminder of the support that I have. I need that. I need to see it as a constant reminder to help me get through this.
THANK YOU!
Keep your positive words of encouragement coming. I love the texts, facebook messages, emails, cards, calls... I love feeling all of the love. I know I am going to need it all to get me through the next leg of this journey.
Wednesday the appointments I have are keeping me mentally in check. Friday morning is with the plastic surgeon to HOPEFULLY have the 3 remaining drains removed and for a fill on the expanders... get these boobs growing a little more.
Next week I see the medical oncologist on Monday. I'm expecting her to tell me more about when chemo will be starting. On Thursday I see the surgical oncologist to check in with her.
OH YEAH! How the hell could I forget that???
She called, my medical oncologist, last week on Thursday.
My pathology report from surgery was in. The one tested lymph node was positive during surgery, so they took them all. It was 11 in total. That was the only positive. The other 10 are all considered negative. YAY!
My left side had No Evidence of Disease (NED). On my MRI, there were a couple of areas of concern, but nothing was found on the ultrasound for the biopsy.
On the right, the original tumor was 2.5cm. There were 2 others. One was 1cm and the last was 6mm.
HOLY SHIT. WOW.
Because of the one lymph node, I may end up needing to have radiation after chemo is done. HOPING that I don't. I don't want to add more on to the end of this. I really don't want that tacked on to the end. But they are referring me for a consultation with a radiologist at Dana Farber to review my case with me.
Taking all of it into consideration, I'm GUESSING at my stage. I am pretty sure it is a IIB, but I'll need to have the medical oncologist confirm that for me in my appointment with her next Monday. That's in the lymph nodes, but not sticking together (only one involved, so I'm assuming no sticking) and tumor size between 2-5cm. Adding them all together, they are under 5. Works, right?
Anyway.. that's it for today.. I'm tired and its 11:30.
Gotta get to bed for a long day of nothing tomorrow.
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