I'm trying to not freak out. I'm trying to do my best to keep some sort of control over how I'm feeling and over my anxiety. Some moments are better than others. Keeping busy has helped a lot.
Our Christmas Tree is still up. I'm purposely leaving that for tomorrow as my project for tomorrow night. I'll need something to do. Something to hopefully keep my mind off of things. And hopefully I'll be able to sleep the next two nights.
Today was pre-op at Faulkner. I got a little bit more info. They said to expect surgery to last 5 hours and recovery will be 4-6 weeks. I thought maybe 3! Big difference in that, huh?
I still feel SO disconnected to everything. I had all my appointments to make, the records to keep, lists to write out, what I'm packing, what has to be done at the house, people to hang out with me after surgery. THINGS to do. But surgery? cancer? It has been more of keeping track of my "to do" lists than anything else. cancer isn't a part of it.
It's like the cancer, the disease, the thing that can actually kill people... that's not part of this. I have just kept up with my huge "to do" lists, what has to get done, making and keeping the appointments, doing my research, buying what I need, prepping for everything as best I can. But cancer? A disease? My own mortality? What the F is that? That's not part of this!
But then those moments hit. When it is part of this. Little moments that I do my best to avoid but can't always. Like when I was leaving the breast center today after my final appointment with the surgical oncologist. Michelle works at the desk and she's SO nice all the time. She knows my surgery is in 2 days. When we were leaving, she gave me that look. The look I hate.
Its the "I feel bad for you" look that people give me. They know I have cancer and that I'm having surgery. It's the pity look. I hate the pity look. I don't want pity.
And I don't want to be a burden on anyone either. I hate asking for help or needing help from anyone. Asking for it and accepting it is so friggin difficult. And unfortunately Jim is the same way. When I tell him the lists of things that I won't be able to do (cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, changing the kitty litter, getting things down off the shelves... ), all Jim says is "I'll take care of it baby. Don't worry."
He can't do everything! He's working full time, taking care of me, and he still NEEDS to work out to get some sort of release for himself. He just CANNOT do everything. I will need to have help. It will burn him out to do it all.
I'm so grateful for everyone who has been so supportive to me. The little things and the bigger things. Aimee is coming by tonight and we're grabbing something to eat but she's also bringing over a few things she made for me so I have food. Work is doing the same thing and they want to meet up with Jim weekly to get me a few meals a week to have at home. How nice is that?
I'm still checking on line to see if anything opened up for Cleaning for a Reason. They do free house cleaning once a month for people with cancer. That would make things so much easier on Jim! The one that came up in my area is maxed out right now. So, I just keep on checking.
Okay side note... Jim cooked chicken a bit ago. He had the left overs on a plate on the counter. Apparently Rocco could smell the chicken. I literally saw Rocco JUMP trying to get to it. Have you ever seen a 115 pound dog JUMP? And the best part?
Jim just asked me why a dish didn't make it into the dishwasher. I didn't know what he was talking about. He said, "when you turned on the dishwasher, why didn't you put this in first?" I didn't turn on the dishwasher. I assumed he had. He thought I had.
Nope. Rocco did! He bumped it when he was trying to get to the chicken on the counter! Now the damn dog does dishes! :)
It's things like that. The little day to day things that make me laugh and smile. I love that. I love our little "family" hanging out. I'm on the sofa with the recliner, typing away. Jim's laying with his head on the other side of the sofa, his feet near me, and we have a blanket over the two of us. And right now Rocco is laying on the floor just in front of the sofa, watching the same movie as Jim.
But I hate pity and feeling like I'm a burden. HATE. Asking for help is so hard for me. I'm lucky that so many have offered as much as they have. My friend Michelle was funny. She is basically telling me to be demanding. She is coming over for 2 days next week. She was the one who INSISTED that I have people with me 24 hours a day in case something happened. If Jim leaves before someone gets over, she's afraid something will happen. I really appreciate her thinking of me like that.
I will have a visiting nurse coming to the house. Probably not daily, but at least every couple of days. The drains needs to be emptied at least twice a day, then "milked" to make sure they don't clog up. WONDERFUL! Um, yeah, that's going to be a job for Jim! I'm all set with that. I can't watch a damn needle and couldn't look at my wrist after surgery. How the hell could I empty the drains out that are INSIDE of me on the other end??
It is just SO much to think about. Its overwhelming. Everything that's involved. My entire life is changing. My hair is chopped off and I look like a different person. When I got my license renewed in September, I compared the picture to my last one taken 10 years ago. Um, not too much for changes. I didn't even really age much. Same hair, same everything. TEN YEARS. I don't look me right now.
My boobs are being chopped off in 2 days. I won't have nipples. I'll have 3-4 inch scars across each side. I haven't been able to exercise because of doing fertility preservation when I'm not 100% sure if I want kids or not. I've gained a few pounds and lost a ton of muscle. I don't feel attractive at all right now.
I won't be able to life my arms above shoulder height. I won't be allowed to lift anything more than 5 pounds (a gallon container is 8 pounds. Need smaller containers for milk if I want to get my own coffee in the morning!) STUPID things I will need help with. I won't be allowed to shower! I have to get one of those friggin chairs for the shower. We bought a hand held shower thing so Jim can HELP me! WTF! He'll have to wash my hair for me in the sink. I feel like a child!
People keep telling me how well I'm handling all of this and how well I'm doing. They tell me how strong and positive I am being. I wish I was HALF as strong or positive as people thought I was. HALF. My mind is on a roller coaster ride, spinning out of control with tracks that seem like will never end. Ups, downs, twists, turns, and huge drops. It sucks.
That's when I put the damn smile on my face and disconnect from everything. cancer isn't part of it. This is just more crap I'm going through but not a friggin disease that could kill me if I did nothing. Nope. That's not on my "to do" list. Getting the tree and Christmas decorations down is on my to do list, but not cancer.
So I find control where I can get it. Make those lists, pack the bag. Buy things to prepare the house. Line up people to be at the house when I get home. Do research. Find support groups. Find other resources that could be available. Keep records. Cut my hair. DO SOMETHING! Action. That's what I need.
There is no more action to take. Now I just wait. Wait until Thursday.
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