Two More Countdowns. 11 Days & 22 Days. :(

This past week has been pretty rough for me.  The weekend was the worst part, but it hasn't gotten a whole lot better.  At least I haven't had any more meltdowns. 

Chemo starts is 11 days.  Tuesday the 12th.  I'm freaking out.  My medical oncologist said I will lose my hair within 2 weeks of starting chemo.  That freaks me out more. 

With surgery, that's a one time thing.  I go in for surgery.  They cut my boobs out & put in balloons.  I go home.  I recover.  Fine.  Do it.  Let's Go.

Chemo?  That's a different ballgame!  Eight treatments over 16 weeks, if my levels are good and no treatments need to be pushed back at all.  Four months?  With side effects the entire time?  Losing my hair?  Feeling and even worse, LOOKING sick?  :(  That's not a okay, let's go sort of thing. 

Yeah, fine, my hair will grow back when this is done, but it is still fucking falling out!  Anyway out there want to lose your hair?  Do you want your skin color to change?  Do you want super dry skin and mouth sores?  To feel super weak with no energy?  Do you want "chemo brain" where you can't remember words or anything?  Do you want to look sick and see pity in other peoples eyes when they look at you?  Wanna trade spots with me??  Cuz I don't want any of that!

With surgery, I'm slow to move and have limited range of motion.  But that's pretty much it, unless you see me naked and if you know me, that's not me!  People who see me can't believe that 3 weeks ago I had a bilateral mastectomy.  All I hear is how great I look.

Out and about, people don't know.  When I go to CVS, Walmart and the grocery store today, no one will know I am going through cancer treatments unless I say it!  I can pretend I am who I was before all of this. 

But when chemo starts?  When I look sick?  Everyone will know.  I'll be sick.  I'll look the part of cancer patient. I don't want that part.  I don't want to look like that.  I don't want pity.  I don't want to be sick and I don't want to lose my hair. 

Yet, I don't have a choice.  Lucky me. 

I know there is NO way I can handle seeing my hair fall out.  I had already asked Jim to shave my head at the first sign of it.  But I've picked a date.  February 23rd.  If my hair hasn't started to fall out by that point, then on Saturday, February 23rd, Jim is going to shave my head for me.  I just don't want to see it fall out. 

I'm scared.  I know it is going to be SO hard for me to get through this part.  That whole weekend before, I know I'm going to be a mess.  I already told Jim to prepare.  This past weekend is NOTHING compared to how I will be next weekend just before starting chemo. 

For surgery, I could DO something.  I could prepare.  I could get the house ready & buy what I needed.  I could take steps to make recovery easier and figure out ways to be ready.  For chemo, I can't.  I'm done.  There is nothing left to do.  Okay, so I have a FEW things to buy.  A mouth wash recommended by my dentist and in a few books I have read.  Claritin-D 12 Hour which helps with the bone aches I'll get from the shot I'll be taking on Wednesdays to boost my immune system after chemo wipes it all out.  That's it. 

I'm freaking out about it.  Freaking out. 

The chemo I'm taking is ACT.  I found a good link on Scott Hamilton's website about this treatment.  I'm doing "dose dense" which is every 14 days.  It was typically done in 21 day cycles, which does give your body more time to recover, but the dose dense is supposed to have better results.
Here's the link:
http://chemocare.com/chemotherapy/faq/act-chemotherapy.aspx

I'll be taking AC for the first 4 treatments, then Taxol for the next 4.  Taxol can cause neuropathy which is numbness in my hands and feet, in addition to much of the same side effects of the other 2 like mouth sores, dry mouth, hair loss, and nausea, just to name a few. 

These are VERY common side effects.  It is pretty much a given that I will have these side effects with these drugs, but the severity of them can vary.  I'm trying to think positive that I won't have them too bad, all while knowing that I WILL have to deal with them. 

Biotene is a mouth wash and mouth spray, a brand that my dentist recommended.  Plus it was mentioned in several books.  Weird that I have actually seen a commercial for it in the past week, since my dentist gave me a sample of it.  This is supposed to help with the mouth sores and the dry mouth. 

I'll be getting plenty of drugs for the nausea from the doctor.  She already sent in a prescription to CVS for me for 3 drugs for me to have at home after my first treatment.  I got my text from CVS that they are ready.  Wonderful.  I have another med to refill which is a $45 co-pay.  Not sure how much the other 2 prescriptions will be when I head over there today.  I'm expecting at least one of them to be $45 and that I'll be spending close to $150 today at CVS.  Lucky me!!

Glutamine Powder, Vitamin B6 and Lysine are all supposed to help with sore throats and mouth sores as well.  We have Glutamine Powder at home.  I THINK I have B6, but I'm not sure.  I'm going to check what we have for vitamins before I head out shopping today to make sure I can stock up. 

I'm trying really hard to stay as positive as I can.  But I'm still scared.  I didn't sign up for this.  I don't want this. 

I'm still exhausted just being out for a few hours.  On Wednesday I was out for 5 hours straight between a support group, stopping at work, then going to the bank.  That night I was at an event at the cancer community support for a new exercise program starting up at the South Shore YMCA which was an hour long.  Yesterday I had 2 doctor appointments in the same building.

I WAS EXHAUSTED yesterday.  I fell asleep on the sofa shortly after getting home from the 2 appointments.  Wednesday just wiped me out.  I can't be out and about.  I just get too tired for it. But at the same time, I'm bored out of my mind.  I miss having a life.  

Jim leaves for work in the morning and he's going to the gym 3 nights a week taking his MMA classes. I know that is important for him and helps him keep his sanity. I can't work. I have been driving again for a week now.  I'm not able to exercise yet and that will only get worse for me.  I am home with the dog, all day, every day. 

This week, other than having doctor appointments, then the support group and stopping at work on Wednesday, I saw Pam on Tuesday.  That's it.  Every night I'm home while Jim is out, every day I'm home, while he is at work.  I am not a TV person.  It SUCKS.  I can't even take Rocco for a walk because I can't hold him on the leash yet.  It would be too painful after the surgery. 

I miss having a life.  I miss doing things, being out and doing what I enjoy doing.  I miss seeing people. 

Tonight I'm looking forward to seeing friends for the Hingham Cabaret that Carrie is in.  Ten of us are going to watch the show and it will be really nice to see the group of girls out.  I already expect to be exhausted tomorrow. 

Next week, I just have 2 appointments and the support group. And I know next weekend is going to suck, that close to starting chemo. 

I'm just bored and frustrated.  I hate being home ALL THE TIME but I don't have the energy to be out and my energy level is only going to be lower once chemo starts.  Toss in how horrible I am going to feel physically (being sick) and emotionally (losing my hair and looking sick) and I know I won't want to go out even if I do have the energy. 

Plus I will have to watch WHERE I go, if I can feel up to going anywhere.  I can't go places with big crowds.  Too many people would be too many germs and would give me a better chance of getting really sick with a compromised immune system.  So it just isn't going to work for me. 

I guess I'm just having a pity party for myself right now.  I keep trying to remind myself of the amazing support I have from everyone.  The messages, cards, texts... I LOVE it all and appreciate it so much.  It really does mean a lot to me to feel like people are thinking about me and sending their best to me.  It means so much.

But I still feel so alone and so lonely.  I'm always alone.  And when I start to get into this mode, it gets worse.  Then I become anti-social and pull away from people even more. I'm less likely to answer the phone or reply to people.  That's when I'm most fake when I do.  Like everything is really okay, when it isn't.  Not at all. 

As much as I'm looking forward to going out and seeing the girls tonight, I'm nervous.  I know I'll be tired.  I know I'm sore and uncomfortable.  I know its crowded there.  What if people bump me?  What if someone sitting near me is hacking up a lung?  And I know emotionally, I'm not in a great place right now, so tonight I will be at my most fake.  Put on the happy face like its All Good, when it is nowhere near good. 

Two countdowns I've been doing.  11 Days until I start chemo.  22 Days until I am bald.  Really? 

How did this become my life?  I want my life back.