Each day I get closer to surgery, my anxiety level jumps. I'm doing everything I can possibly think of to prepare for in advance. I have my hospital bag partially packed. I have the list of things I have to finish up around the house this weekend. I know the few more things I have to buy to be ready (snacks, my Grape Powerade Zero, more Greek Yogurt), finish up laundry, and finish packing. Then wait.
Like Tom Petty sang, the waiting is the hardest part. I know it is in 6 days. It creeps by. The past 3 months have been the fastest 3 months of my life, but at the same time the longest 3 months of my life. It is just so difficult to explain.
I'm scared about the surgery. Little things keep setting me off. Every day it is something different that I'm crying about, even though it is all about surgery. Last weekend it was not feeling Jim's arms around me. New Years Day is was needing extra fertility medication that I wasn't sure I would have in time.
This morning was the harvest. This one went MUCH better than the last. Originally they said it was 10 eggs, but it was 9 by the time I left. I'll know tomorrow or Monday exactly how many made it to freezing. I'm hoping for at least 4 or 5 since I only have one so far. Just makes me feel a little better to have this one step done and waiting for the news to complete it.
Now I feel like crap. Under anesthesia this morning, but came out of it better this time. Napped today, but SO bloated right now. I tried hard to drink my Powerade all day like the nurses told me to, which would help flush out everything and help with the bloating. I look better than I did last time, but we'll see what tomorrow brings.
Tonight we were back for my last night at The 99 for a while. All the bartenders were we love were working and they all gave me hugs and well wishes. Kevin even gave Jim his cell # so Jim can update him after my surgery. I'm really glad we went. I needed that tonight.
Tomorrow night is the photo shoot with a few friends. I'm really looking forward to that. This will be something fun and different. It will be a great memory of a fun night out with friends when I'm struggling through chemo.
Sunday is Sunday Dinner with Jim's family. I love his family too and always have a good time with them. Seeing them will be fun.
I'm trying to keep myself as busy as I can, as occupied as I can. Mentally, I'm still struggling with everything. I'm trying to get ready as best I can and mentally prepare, but how do you really prepare when you don't know what you are going to go through?? I can work on the house, the laundry, packing, and all that, but how I'm going to feel? What I'm going to need? I have no idea!
I know I'm nervous about being home alone for the first week. Jim is going to work at home on Monday and go back to work on Tuesday. He also goes to classes at his MMA gym three nights a week, Monday, Tuesday and Friday. I have been working on getting friends to sit with me while he's out of the house that first week so I will never be alone. God forbid something happens with just a 10 minute lapse. Knowing I will have someone there to help me is HUGE!
As of now, I just need someone to hang out with me on Monday night. Michelle is Tuesday day, Tricia is Tuesday night. Michelle is back again on Wednesday day. Jen is doing ALL day and night on Thursday (we'll have to get her a great dinner too!!) and Friday Laura will be over.
I think nights will be a big thing for me too for a few weeks. I know he loves the gym for his release and I know he needs that. I know I'm going to be going stir crazy being at home, watching TV, laying on the recliner all day long. I'm going to want visitors, especially after MLK day.
Anyone can feel free to visit. Not just weekends. I'll be home all day every day. All night every night. Company will help. Even just short hello's. I won't be much of a hostess or entertainer. I won't be much of a housekeeper during that time, but I'd love people to say hello.
Six days. It is all coming fast and making me get more and more nervous. But I am doing my best to stay as positive as I can. I'm trying to focus on all of that. Tonight the bartenders giving me hugs. Getting 9 eggs today. Falling asleep on the sofa in Jim's arms after we got home. Rocco snoring on the other end of the sofa all afternoon, then following me every time I got up (I swear he knows!). Emails, calls, messages, texts and facebook comments from friends and family checking in on me to see how I'm doing, even if I'm not wonderful at responding all the time. Little things. They mean so much.
Another one today was a different sort of one. I call it Facebook for cancer. Its a social media site through American Cancer Society. I am "friends" on that with someone from Brazil. She has chemo first, now. Her mastectomy is in April. She's also mid 30's, no kids. She gets it and has all the same fears that I do.
I can tell her things honestly, even more than I can type away on here. She understands. She shares her fears with me as well. Its almost nice that she's doing chemo now and surgery in April while I'm surgery in 6 days and chemo in February. She's been giving me chemo tips and I've been giving her info on what I'm prepping for with surgery. I can tell her after my surgery how I'm doing, what worked and what helped.
Jim doesn't know her by name, but I tell him when her and I are emailing. I call her "my Brazilian friend". That's how he knows her now.
A few of the things that she said in her email today really were incredible.
"I think no one will ever understand our feelings, only the ones that have passed thru all this. I feel closer to you than to my husband or friends because the feelings that I have they can't share. They can't really understand.
I am praying for you and your surgery. Hope everything will be fine. I wish we lived in the same city or state, I would go help you and make you a bit happy. :-) I know that using the computer may be hard after the surgery, I will be here for you whenever you can. Then we'll share our experiences! It's really amazing that we are in the same path, but on different points. One day it will all be gone and we'll be talking about how we could make it."
She just gets it. And I do wish she lived closer.
We'll see how the next week goes. I'm still scared, but keeping busy is helping.
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