My anxiety level has been getting higher and higher with each passing day. I'm just trying to keep busy and fill my time with as much fun as I can. I want to be happy over the next 5 days and do what I can to limit my stress and anxiety. I don't need more right now.
I'm feeling a little better after yesterday's IVF thing. I'm still crazy bloated. I have a heating pad back on my belly and I still look pregnant. One good thing for the sexy photo shoot tonight, my boobs are insanely swollen too. Holy crap! So I'm sure that will look good in these pictures! :)
Little things, that's all I can do and all I can focus on right now.
SO much more around the house to do. Our tree is still up. All of Christmas needs to come down and get up into the attic. We need to scrub down the house completely. I need to vacuum the cats apartment downstairs and clean up the entry way too. Just make sure the whole house is in order.
Today I need a mani/pedi before the photo shoot. Plus I need to hit the store to pick up a few more things I want to have ready. I'm afraid I'm going to forget things. With all my lists, I doubt that is really possible, but who knows.
A good thing is that I'm better at recognizing when my anxiety is starting to climb. I can feel it better now and have more control over managing it. Maybe its the meds I'm taking that are kicking in at this point. Whatever it is, something makes me realize it is starting and I can have a better shot of controling it before it is too bad. Not always, just sometimes.
I'm still crying at least once every day now. Little things. Always the damn little things! And it is just the icing on the cake, the push over the edge or however I should say it. That one little thing that sets me off to tears. But, the tears haven't been hysterics in a while. Not sobbing with hyperventaliting tossed in. Just tears. Just sad.
I'm losing a lot. I know that. But I can't focus on that part either. I have to do what I can to stay positive and focus on the positive. The amazing support I am SO lucky to have. The incredible friends who have just stepped up to be there for me. I cannot say enough HOW much I appreciate it all.
I LOVE the text messages, facebook messages, emails, cards and phone calls. Just an acknowledgement that I'm being thought of. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something when I see the messages and can't always get back to it or don't always remember to get back to it to reply. It doesn't mean I didn't read it and didn't love it. I NEED those messages, so THANK YOU!
Some of my friends and family have been amazing. I do love that this has brought me closer to some people. And the support from people I haven't heard from or spoken to in years has been incredible. People have noticed my facebook posts and sent the kindest messages back to me. From people I never would expected anything from. That has been so touching. Literally bringing tears to my eyes.
This blog really gives me so much of a release. Sometimes I do hold back on what I write. I know how blunt I already am and I don't want to freak out people reading too much. Some people already tell me that they have a hard time reading this because it makes them cry.
What I'm most suprised about it the people reading the blog. I can't believe how many people have read it and from where. Do I really have regular readers from the UK and from Germany?? In the past week I have a total of 303 page views. And in the past month??? I have had 777 views from around the WORLD! That just blows my mind.
I mean, who am I? This is where I vent. This is where I put my fears down so all this crap can get out of my head. That just seems crazy to me.
I posted the summary below of who is reading from where.
Dec 29, 2012 11:00 AM – Jan 5, 2013 10:00 AM
| Entry | Pageviews |
|---|---|
United States
|
292
|
United Kingdom
|
5
|
Germany
|
3
|
Israel
|
1
|
Ukraine
|
1
|
Venezuela
|
1
|
Dec 6, 2012 – Jan 4, 2012
| Entry | Pageviews |
|---|---|
United States
|
748
|
United Kingdom
|
14
|
Germany
|
10
|
Ireland
|
1
|
Israel
|
1
|
Sweden
|
1
|
Ukraine
|
1
|
Venezuela
|
1
|
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