Who am I?

With so much of what I have read, many people become depressed or have a really difficult time when treatment is finished.  Everyone around this person is happy for them and excited she is DONE but now what?

Trust me, I am SO happy I am done with active treatment.  SO happy!!  But what now?  What's next?  Where do I go from here?

If I think back to last year, the second weekend in October, when I first found the lump.... it was just so long ago.  All I know is that I am NOT the same person I was back then.  So now, finishing treatment, it isn't like I can just step back into the life I had before cancer.  That life doesn't exist anymore.  The woman I was last October, she doesn't exist anymore. 

First, just with my physical appearance.  I don't have a picture of me from October, but I do have one shortly after, in mid November when I was in Puerto Rico.

 

Here is a picture of me from this past weekend, sitting next to my grandpa. (How cute is he?  Unbelievable that he's in his 90's!!)

So, in the past year, I'm up 20 pounds and 2 sizes.  My long, blonde, straight hair is gone and I'm growing in brown hair  My chest?  Dressed, I look like I have on a super padded bra my boobs are that much bigger.  Undressed?  Scars across each, one burnt. 

That is just the physical changes.  I've been to hell and back this year.  It sucked. I lost my memory and any sort of energy I had.  I haven't worked since January 9th.  The fatigue has been intense and I still nap most days.  If I don't it is only because I purposely force myself not to, like today.  I SO wanted to nap today but didn't.  

During the second half of chemo, I had some pretty strong pain and neuropathy.  I still get it sometimes.  When I'm sitting or laying for a long time, it is really hard for me to stand up.  I have pain in my feet and they are so weak. Or when I sit with my legs crossed, I have so much pain when I straighten them back out.  I can't just put them straight, I have to do it slowly.  In my hands, my fingers get really sore sometimes.  I try to shake it out or put them in a fist, but that hurts more. 

I still can't sleep on my stomach and I have to go easy using my chest muscles.  No pushups allowed for me.  I can even feel my chest muscles pulling from the expanders when I take a deep breath.  That's a weird one. 


Then there are the relationships in my life.  So many have changed.  Some friendships have ended and that was a really hard struggle for me.  I never ever would have expected things to happen the way they did.  I mean, it is friggin cancer.  You'd think that people would go easy on me.  Guess I expected too much from some people.

But at the same time, I reconnected with old friends, friends I hadn't spoken to in 7-10 years.  Those friends have made such a huge difference to me this year.  They have been wonderful sources of support to me.

Other friendships have also changed and become stronger.  I have learned so much about not only myself this year but about others as well.  cancer can bring out the best and the worst in people.  I have seen both.  I have friends who have spent lunch breaks visiting me at chemo or between appointments at the cancer center.  I have friends who have sent me at least a dozen cards, to wish me well and to let me know I am being thought of.  I have friends who messaged, emailed, called or texted me when I finished active treatment to congratulate me.  I even got two Edible Arrangements in the 2 days after I finished treatment!!  I'm not even sure how many cards I got!

I know I'm so lucky for the friendships that remain now.  They are stronger than ever and I appreciate them more than I ever thought possible.  I hope that I am even half of the friend to each of them that they have been to me.  It just means so much to have been treated so kindly and lovingly by so many.
Then Jim.  Talk about a relationship changing in ten months!!  When I was first diagnosed, he had just asked me to move in with him.  He has been by my side at all of my appointments, washed my hair in the kitchen sink after my surgery.  Colored my hair purple for me and a month later buzzed all that purple hair off.  He has held me when I cried, made me laugh until it hurts and pissed me off until I was screaming.

We have had some huge highs this year and really big lows too.  Chemo induced menopause, hot flashes, anxiety, chemo brain and home alone for days.  I was NUTS.  I know it has NOT been an easy year for him and that's saying it so lightly.  But here he is, still by my side.  Still holding me when I cry, making me laugh until it hurts and pissing me off until scream.

The other night we had one of those deep, intense, meaningful heart to hearts.  It was something I have needed and I am so grateful that we did.  I have felt so lost and scared about things, with worrying about ovarian cancer, thinking about going back to work, paying back at least $4000 for my medical insurance, not having ANY money come in for over 3 weeks and bills being due.... I have been slightly stressed.  But that conversation made things so much easier for me.

He had me in his arms and just held me.  He knows how much I love him.   I can't imagine that its possible to love him more.   I was worried about our future.  And he just started talking.  He told me that he has never met anyone who is a nicer person than me, that I am caring and thoughtful and loving.  That he knows how much I love him.  He said he loves me so much.  I am his best friend.  He is not going anywhere and he is right there.   And he leaned over and kissed my head as he held me in his arms. 

My relationship with Jim has gotten so much stronger.  We have had our troubles, but somehow we come through them each time even stronger than before. 

Other relationships that changed are my relationships with Jim's family.  The other day I took Rocco for a walk and took the cutest picture of him looking out at the water.  I sent his mom a text with that picture.  She calls me now and again to check in as well.  His dad always comments on my facebook page.  Jim's sister-in-law sends me messages too. 

Someone in his family was recently diagnosed with breast cancer as well.  Last week I called her to see how she was doing, and called when I had a long drive ahead of me, going to visit a friend.  Her and I were on the phone for over 45 minutes, just chatting away.  We stopped over to see her this past weekend too.  She's so sweet.  When we were leaving, she gave me a big hug and told me that she loved me. 

So, physically, I've changed.  The relationships in my life have changed. 

I also see the world differently now.  I never had a problem speaking my mind before, or for standing up for myself or jumping in to speak up for someone else.  That's just part of me.  But now?  It is so much stronger.  Good, bad or ugly, I speak my mind freely.  Life is too short to hold back, to be fake or to pretend.  This is me, love me or hate me. 

I care even less about what others think of me, but I still struggle when I feel put down, insulted or attacked.  I don't want to care.  I don't want to give my power away to others or to let how others treat me impact how I feel, but I still do.  It still happens. 

Now I am more aware of the people I have in my life.  I never had patience, but I have less now and less for people, bullshit or drama.  I have had so many difficulties this year.  I knew I had to control what I could about what was in my life.  I wouldn't even watch stressful movies!  Why would I choose to keep people in my life who cause those same feelings of anxiety?  I don't!  And I won't.  Not anymore and not again ever.  I have amazingly wonderful people in my life who are incredible friends.  I cherish those relationships.  Any new relationships will be with the same quality of people.  I don't want any bad energy in my life anymore.  I just won't tolerate it.   

So, who am I?  All of this, this is me.  I have changed SO much this year.  I am not the person I was 10 months ago.  Not even close.  I look different.  The relationships in my life are different.  Some people in my life are different.  My personality is different and my priorities are different. 

I am all of this.  I am all of the above.  Going forward, I will be on a different path than I thought I was on 10 months ago, but this path will lead me to bigger and better things than I could have ever imagined.  And to things I never could have experienced if I haven't had the challenges of the past 10 months in my life.

Who am I???

I am honest, loving, loud, caring, determined, strong-willed, adventurous, open-minded, nice, thoughtful, judgmental, demanding, crazy and absolutely FULL OF LIFE!  I am ME!  :)