Heartbroken

Things with Jim and I have been rocky for a bit.  I know he's been under a ton of stress at work, especially since someone he works with had a stroke and Jim has been doing both of their jobs for several weeks now.  He worked all day then comes home and works some more.  He's been spent.

That poured over into our relationship.  Then there are my issues.

I feel like crap about myself.  I hate that I am not getting better now that treatment has ended.  I can put on a happy face and not bring others down, but the fatigue is so much.  It is so frustrating to take Rocco for a walk then come home and nap for 2 hours. 

The neuropathy has been challenging.  I wake up in the morning and it hurts to stand up.  Typing, holding a pen or anything with my hands, causes my fingers to be so sore within a short time.  I can't open my vitamin bottle in the morning, I don't have the strength.

I repeat myself all the time.  I don't know what I don't remember.  I know that Jim gets frustrated.  I know that I can't understand things like I used to.  I was always quick at picking things up.  I could understand things easily.  I don't anymore.  I don't have the focus or ability to understand and break down and absorb new information like that anymore.  Even watching a movie with a deep plot is too much for me. I get frustrated because I just don't understand it. 

And last week I started a new drug, Tamoxifen, with a new host of side effects.  I was crying most of the week.  The pain in my hands and feet is more intense and I'm more tired than I have been.  Oh yeah, then I got another hot flash yesterday too.  Been a bit since I've had one of those. 

Jim is cooked.  So he wants out.  He has nothing left to give.  So he broke up with me last night. 

I'm crushed.  Heartbroken.  I feel hollow, broken and empty.  I haven't stopped crying since last night. 

I know he loves me.  I also know that even though he broke up with me, he doesn't want to hurt me.  It is going to SUCK living with him and us not being together. 

We have had issues in the past, but this time is so much different.  And I've never made it a "public" thing before.  This time it is really for real.  And I hate that so much.  I don't know what to do now, how to move forward.  I just see all that I'm losing.

I'm not only losing the man that I love.  I'm losing my best friend.  I'm losing all the hopes and dreams that had for our future together.  I'm losing his family that has become my own.  He has become such a part of me, that I feel like I am losing a piece of myself. 

With still being on disability and my crazy medical bills, I can't afford to move right now.  So we are still living together.  And that is going to be so hard!  I told him that he can't tell me that he loves me and he can't kiss me.  We are roommates now. 

His mom saw it on facebook, so did so many in his family.  His mom called and left me a voice mail.  She was in tears.  She was texting me this morning and called Jim and was upset with him about it too.  Jim's sister-in-law texted me too.  They still want me to go to the kids' birthday party tomorrow, but how can I do that?  I'd be a MESS.  I can't sit there crying the whole day and ruin their birthday party.  That's just not right. 

So now I'm left, heartbroken and so sad.  I'm just an empty shell.  My spirit has been broken.  I have nothing left. 

I love him so much.  SO much.  I love him with every piece of me.  I would do anything for him.  I just don't know how to move forward from here.

His mom said she is hoping this is just a bump in the road and we will be back together soon.  We've had bumps before.  This is a friggin MOUNTAIN in the road.  This is so different.  I'm different.  He's different. 

I want him to find whatever it is that he needs in his life, with or without me.  I want him to be happy.  I truly want that for him.  My ship for happiness has sailed and left me behind.  That just isn't in the cards for me.  Jim isn't perfect, but as I have said before, he is the perfect person for me.  And if this can't work, then I am just not meant to be with anyone. 

Another few things added into the loss column for the year I was 38.  I don't know if I have ever looked more forward to a birthday in my life.  38 has been HORRIBLE.  39 HAS to be better.  3 weeks and 2 days until my birthday.  I can't even imagine what could happen in that time.