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To say the resort we stayed at was beautiful is such an understatement. We had 2 suits in this mountainside resort. The building itself was sort of "V" shaped. I was in Room # 702, right at the point of the "V".
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| This is the emergency exit plan on the wall that I took the picture of. |
The door to 702 is right at the corner. The little backwards "C" is the curving staircase that leads up to the master bedroom and master bath (plus the media room, but we didn't use that). Right where the red dot for "you are here" is, well, that's the 1st floor of the suit. Upstairs, so technically on the 8th floor, was my bedroom, the master bedroom, right at the point of the V overlooking the whole valley. WOW!
Here is an outdoor shot of the Canyons Ranch Resort which we were in.
From this picture, which I copied from their website, the point of the "V", ^ right there, was where we were. The 5th, 6th and 7th floors have all windows pointing out. And above those sets of square windows is the roof gable wall of windows. THAT was my bedroom for the weekend. WOW!
Here are a few pictures of the bedroom and bathroom I had... and YES I took a bath! How could I NOT?
Yes, two window seats looking out on either side with the WALL of windows on the other wall, well minus the fireplace in the middle.
On Saturday morning, I woke up SO early. But being 2 hours behind what I was used to, I guess not too bad. Anyway, I was up for sunrise. It was foggy over the valley below. WOW, talk about breathtaking!
So its no wonder that I got to just be this weekend.
They had a nutritionist, restorative yoga class, "sex"pert, photographer, as well as giving us facials and massages. We were just treated. The only rule they had was we couldn't do anything. We weren't allowed to help. Not prep dinner, clean up, move anything. Their whole premise is to just take care of women who have gone through breast cancer, to pamper them. And pamper they did!
It was so nice to meet and bond with other women who just "get it". We could laugh together about how all of us have chemo brain (one even a full year out!). We also laughed when the "sex"pert pulled out the big purple vibrating penis. That was interesting. :)
But we also cried and supported each other. We understand each other in a way that not too many others do. Under 40, breast cancer, chemo, radiation, all the wonderful side effects associated with each.
One thing I noticed is that each of us talked of the incredible support we received, and so much from unexpected places. People we had lost touch with who came back, one was living in Germany where her husband worked. Her mom dropped everything and spent 2 months living with them in Germany to help care for her four (yes, four!) children. Another woman, her husbands coworkers sent so many meals over for them, people she didn't know! She was also breast feeding and found organizations and networks of women to donate breast milk for her son, since she was unable to breast feed while going through chemo.
We all also had those who disappointed us, or those we expected to be more supportive who just weren't. One woman said a very good friend told her, "I'm sorry, I just can't do it."
One thing that was interesting happened when we were talking about how hard it is to ask for help. We try and when we ask, it was when we REALLY needed it, since it was so hard to ask for in the first place. I shared my story.... of two people who were friends. The first email which said I only communicate when I want something, I guilt her into doing things and maybe I would get more help if I didn't ask. I also shared that the next day I was emailing with another friend when I said how depressed I was and that I was basically suicidal. The response was, "I don't want to say the wrong thing, so I will leave it there". And when I was venting about all of it, without names or specifics, on my blog, that I used to get the emotional craziness that all of us understood, out of my head, she didn't like it, copied and pasted and highlighted parts she didn't like to point out how I was wrong and then she replied to me and cc'd in another 9 people.
The first thing they told me (and after only my story of the first email) was, "You are NOT friends with this person anymore, right? OH MY GOD! She knew you were going through chemo? For breast cancer? And she STILL said all that? WOW!"
They were all completely blown away when I shared the story of the 2nd email. They understood how you don't know people until a crisis hits. It is just shocking, in good ways and in bad, who is there and who isn't or worse.
It was really nice for me to be with women who understood how I felt after both of those situations. They completely got the fear, anxiety, loneliness, stress, doubt, anger, and all the other emotions that come along with breast cancer, the treatment and the wonderful world of side effects. They understood how the 2-4am time can be the worst, the most scary time. When your biggest fears are right in your face and you are completely alone to see it all. They just got it.
We all had our different stories, different lives. One is 36, married with 4 kids, diagnosed while breast feeding her youngest. She had a bilateral with expander, then had chemo and radiation. Her swap out surgery for her permanent implants was in February. She was living in Germany when she was diagnosed and treated and but is back in the US now. She was stage II.
Another is also married, with 2 kids and she is 38 years old. She was diagnosed while she was 22 weeks pregnant with her son. She had to make the decision, within 2 weeks, if she wanted to keep the pregnancy or terminate since abortions are not allowed after 24 weeks. She started AC chemo while she was pregnant. Had her son and 2 weeks later had a single mastectomy with lymph nodes removed. Then she went through more chemo, followed by radiation which she had horrible burns from. She hasn't had any reconstruction yet. She was stage III.
One other was stage II. She had a lumpectomy without clear margins. She needed a second lumpectomy and had lymph node dissection and her port put in all during that second surgery. She is 34, single and no kids. She stayed with her parents after surgery and for a few days after each chemo treatment.
The last was with her boyfriend and has 2 children. Her daughter is 4 and her son is 1. She felt a lump while she was breastfeeding but they told her it was just because she was breastfeeding. Besides, at 31, how could it be breast cancer? Her son was 5 months by the time she was diagnosed. After her scans, they found cancer in her bones, liver and brain, along with her breast. She had chemo and stopped that for them to start radiation on her brain. Many of her tumors shrunk during chemo and none were showing on her liver when she stopped chemo. But now they are back in her breast and she is starting more chemo next week. She will be 33 in the fall and she is stage IV.
They are all beautiful, strong, compassionate, funny, courageous, loving women who are in a club that none of us wanted to join. But there we were, trading stories and tears and laughter, sitting in big fluffy white robes, relaxed and peaceful after our facials and massages passing vibrating cock rings around the room that looked out over the beautiful mountains and valley below.
I am so grateful for the weekend. For the first time in a very very long time, I felt content. There is no other word that could better describe it. I was just content. I could just be. There were no expectations on me, no where I had to be, no one I had to talk to, nothing I had to do. I could just sit and just be. I was content.
Now I want to see how I can take that feeling with me and continue to feel that way in real life, away from 7000 feet elevation, and back to my reality. I need to find a way to tap into that experience and feel that sort of peace.
Saturday morning I woke up and saw the sun rise over the mountains and sat in awe at the beauty out my windows. When the sun was up, I went into the luxurious bathroom and took a bath. While I was in there, I pulled up Enya on my playlist. Later that afternoon, while I was laying in my robe having the most incredible facial, Enya was also playing.
Now I know that going forward, whenever I hear Enya I will instantly be brought back to the mountains in Park City, Utah.
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