Emotional Week

The past week has been emotional to say the least.  Last Friday night SUCKED, to say the very least about it.  Saturday morning I felt like I was on egg shells around the house.  I didn't know how to BE.  Here I was, living with the man I want to be with but we weren't together.  It wasn't easy.

I was SO grateful I had signed up for The Tomato Bash with my friend Christine.  Literally, the point is to bash tomatoes into people.  Nice, huh?  It really was a fun afternoon and nice to get my mind off of things for a little while. 

It was after 5 when I got home from that with Christine.  I immediately got out of my clothes and showered.  Jim wanted to see the pictures I took and it was again difficult.  I just didn't know how to BE with him.

That night, I didn't have any plans.  I would have been with him.  We watched a movie.  He headed out early on Sunday to go shopping for his nephews birthday gift.  It was a joint party for the 2 kids (Mason was 2, Kailey was 5).  I had already bought all of Kailey's gifts and on Saturday made the fruit dip for Jim to bring with him to the party.

While he was out shopping, I called back his mom, who had me in tears.  She had been crying all day Saturday and was devastated.  She told me that I was part of their family.  She had been praying that things would work out between us and for me to believe in that.   Their whole family was upset and that was all that everyone was talking about.  Jim's aunts and cousins.... they all love me and couldn't believe it. She told me that no matter what happened with Jim and I, I could still call her or still come by, even if we weren't together.  They loved me separate of me being with Jim. 

The part that really go me (not that all of that wasn't enough anyway!) was when she told me that when she was pregnant with Jim's younger brother, if he was a girl, his name would have been Julie.  When Jim and started dating, when things were more serious and I was "around" with their family, her cousin told her, "well, now you finally have your Julie".

I knew that his family liked me and I knew that his mom liked us together, but I didn't realize HOW much his family really cared.  Even with this year, with breast cancer, they have been amazing, but I didn't really know HOW much they really cared until this.  His mom had been crying since she first found out early on Saturday morning and she was crushed.  She said she wanted to shake him to knock some sense into him.

With the few friendship issues I have had this year, it was touching and heartwarming to know how much his whole family really does care about me.  His mom kept saying how great of person I am,  how nice and caring.  How I talk to everyone, fit right in and how I'm part of the family.  It was just nice to know that even though this year I had felt so down by some relationships and how I felt had been treated, Jim's family thought differently of me.  Even as hurtful as Saturday was, I needed to hear all of that from his mom so much.  I really felt love from her. 

Jim came back from shopping and started to wrap up the kids gifts.  I put together the dip and fruit for him to bring as well.  Before he left, I was almost in tears again.  I told him that I try to live by the "hit by a bus" rule.  If I was hit by a bus and taken out suddenly, I didn't want to leave any loose ends or anything unspoken. 

I told him that I loved him with everything that I have.  Whatever happens, I want him to find what it is that he looking for and I want him to be happy.  Yes, I want that to be with me, but I want him to be happy, even if it is without me.  I love him. 

He said we'd talk again when he got home from the party.  It was a long day.  I napped and watched tv and did nothing else. 

When he came home, we did talk.  He finally "gets" some of the things I have been saying for MONTHS.  We need unplugged time.  Yeah, we go to the 99 most Friday nights, but we talk to everyone there.  He's at the gym 3 nights a week after he worked ALL day and is working as soon as he gets home until he leaves for the gym.  The other nights, we are watching TV or a movie at home or we are at the movies.   We don't connect anymore.  We don't DO anything. 

SO he finally gets that now.  We need to DO things together.  I'm not the same as before, I don't have that energy yet, but we can work with what I have.  We can take Rocco for walks together.  We can work in the yard.  We can find other things to do together. 

He wanted to try to give things another shot and really try.  To DO things and to reconnect. 

I told him I needed to take things slow and see how they go.  The weekend crushed me and broke my heart.  I can't have him pulling away from me and saying he's out again.  He needs to really be IN.  All in. And I said that actions speak louder than words. 

We had unplugged time Monday night and Tuesday night, even though he was at the gym both nights and worked crazy both days.  He was going to plan something for us to DO together on Wednesday night.  I had really really high hopes.  I think I set the bar with my expectations pretty high, and that wasn't fair of me. 

He said it was hard for him to come up with something for during the week.  He wanted to take Rocco to the park first.  Well, it was 90 degrees on Wednesday.  That wouldn't be good for me or for Rocco.  As much as I liked that he wanted to do something like that,  had to say no to that. 

The other thing he wanted to do was to go out for dinner to a specific restaurant, where we had our first date.  Okay, so I don't love that place, don't love the food, but I thought it was sweet that he wanted to go where we went out the first night.  So okay, that would work.

We had fun at dinner, even with the tons of tvs showing 4 different things.  After dinner, we stopped at a couple of stores for a few things and headed home.  I didn't love that we watched tv when we got home, but he wanted to lay down together to do it.  He's trying, progress is there.

I have to watch what I do.  I know I'm not perfect.  I put too much pressure on Wednesday night.  I set the bar too high. 

This friggin new drug I'm on, Tamoxifen, its an estrogen blocker.  Shuts down the production of estrogen in my body.  So side effects include menopausal symptoms.  Wonderful, more emotional swings.  Yup, had a meltdown last night.  Major meltdown.  I didn't even realize I was having mood swings until the meltdown was in full force.  I went from happy to sad to angry to meltdown in under an hour.  SOBBING, unable to breathe, meltdown. 

Now its my turn to "get" it.  I get what he is going through.  I get that I have insane mood swings that I take out on him.  I get that I put so much pressure on him and can be negative much more than I am positive. 

As much as I tell everyone else how wonderful he is (other than this past weekend!), I need to tell JIM that.  He needs to hear that before I say it to anyone else.  I love him with everything I have to give.  I didn't know that loving someone this much was even possible, but it is, because I do.  I can't shut it off.  If him and I don't work out, I will forever have a whole in my heart.  The pieces will never be fully back together and my heart will always belong to him. 

SO.... I'm hopeful again.  We are still taking things slowly and seeing what happens, even after my meltdown last night.  I won't say we are "together" right now, I need to give that more time for both of us. 

Friday morning, my flight leaves at 5:45am to head to Utah for the weekend for a retreat.  It is with a group of women, all under 40 years old, who are breast cancer survivors.  I'll be right in Park City, Utah, and they will provide everything once I land in Salt Lake City.  We'll have massages, facials, meet with a nutritionist, do yoga and go hiking. It will be nice to connect with a group of women who get what I'm going through and to just get away.

I think this weekend will be good for Jim too, for him and for our relationship.  We need time away from each other and we haven't had much of that.  I don't do much these days.  I'm not out very often.  Its unusual for him to have any time home alone.  He needs that. 

I'm hoping that this weekend retreat for me will help me transition into getting back into life now that I'm done with treatment.  I'm also hoping that it will help to regenerate the relationship I have with Jim outside of him being my caregiver.  For us to be a couple who can just connect again. 

But that's where things are at.  I'm doing my best to be in the moment and not see too far out, but I'm hopeful.  I'm making an effort to watch my emotions and to let Jim know how much he means to me.