Right now I feel like I'm in a strange place.  I want to move forward but I don't know where towards.  I don't know what steps to take.  I know I have to let go of things, but of which things? Which relationships? 

How do I move forward if I don't know where I want to go? 

Every year, as my birthday approaches, I seem to become very reflective.  Sort like New Year Resolutions, I always set an intention for my birthday year and goals for that year.  Maybe I take it a bit more than most with my birthday falling at the back to school time of year.  Early September always seems like a time of new beginnings for me.

The past year has been full of incredible challenges for me.  I know that I have changed.  I'm not the same person I was last Labor Day weekend.  So many relationships in my life have changed in the past year.  Old friends are back in my life.  Friends I had a year ago are no longer around.  And my personality has changed.

Those who know me will easily agree that I have never been a patient person.  If I made a decision or know that a task needs to be done, I do what it takes to complete it.  I put my all into it... immediately.  Why wait around?  If I want help with someone, I hate waiting.  I'll do what I can on my own.  Maybe that's how I became so independent.  I never had the patience to wait for anyone's assistance. 

But now?  My patience level is less and in different ways.  I have less patience with other people in my life.  Relationships are a give and take.  Not always 50/50, sometimes 25/75, but always a give and take.  I have had some people this year who I only hear from when I make contact or when I make plans.  This year.  While I was going through chemo and treatment and recovery.  My patience is pretty much gone in those situations. 

I know I haven't been easy to deal with, especially lately with a new med only 2 1/2 weeks old.  The hot flashes are back.  Leg pain has started up again, almost every night (why it LOVES to be in my left knee, I have NO idea) and Aleve hasn't helped so far.  I don't want to try anything stronger yet. 

And then there are the mood swings that this drug causes.  Yeah, I've been a peach for the past 2 weeks.  I go from happy to tears in seconds.  Toss in the issues with Jim while going through these side effects, and I've been all over the place.  I don't know which way is up right now. 

When I find little things that make me happy, I try to cling on to those.  So often I feel so down and insecure and scared.  I cling to whatever gives me any amount of joy or comfort. 

Having control in life is only an illusion.  There is no control.  Maybe that's why I could never do a 5 year plan and only focused on one year at a time.  Five years?  Too many outside influences can change too many small things and that plan, road map... gone and derailed.  No control. 

I had a plan in my life.  HA HA.  Look at me now.  Been out of work on disability since January 9th because of a bilateral mastectomy, followed by chemo and radiation.  I still nap every damn day.  When I have a "good day" with energy, I always seem to push it too much and end up toast the next day.  Tuesday was a good day this week.  I took Rocco for a walk in the park and did yoga at home too.  Wednesday?  I was on the sofa almost all day and didn't take a shower until after 7pm. 

But now I'm scared.  I can't stop thinking about having an abnormal pap and now needing to check for cervical cancer.  That procedure is 4 weeks from today.  Then only 2 1/2 weeks later I will have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed on Columbus Day, October 14th.  I may have mentioned (chemo brain f'ing SUCKS) that  with the preventative surgery having ovaries and fallopian tubes removed, 5% of the time cancer is found.  If its grade 3, even at stage 1, I would need chemo again. 

All that I can think about is that right now I have cancer inside of me again.  A different kind, in a different place, unrelated to what I have already been through.  And I will need to start treatment all over again.  Do I have cervical cancer right now?  Do I have ovarian cancer right now?  I could. 

Hearing, "it tested positive for cancer" once makes it a possibility for everything that could ever happen again.  Every ache or pain... did it spread?  Is it back?  Is it somewhere else? 

I've heard and read that these reactions, these fears... they are normal.  Great.  Somehow that is not comforting. 

So now I feel stuck.  Where am I going?  What do I want my next year to look like?  What will 39 be like for me?  What goals do I set and work towards?  What direction do I go?

I know I want to be cancer free and I am doing all I can to make sure that is the case.  That's why I'm taking this new drug with the horrible side effects.  That's why I am having a test done in 4 weeks to check for cervical cancer.  That's why I'm having my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed.  That's why I'm trying to start exercising again and changing my diet to more organic and whole foods.  I want to do whatever I can do within my power to NEVER again have to go through what I have been through in the past year. 

Okay... so I want to be cancer free.  I am working on that now and doing what I can do for that, making those changes in my life.  But what else?  What else do I want to do?  What other goals do I have?  Where to I want to go?  What do I want to do with my life?  Who do I want to be?

I don't know. 

I want to be happy.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want my confidence back.  I want to have self esteem again.  I want to feel attractive.  And right now I have very very few of these in my life. 

Sometimes I'm happy.  I have some happy moments.  Mostly I'm anxious or tired. 

Sometimes I feel good about myself, like when I finish a good walk with Rocco or yoga, or when I complete something I have been working on. 

I don't have my confidence.  I don't have my self esteem.  I used to have so much and I miss it so much.  I feel afraid of so many things now.  I am not secure enough in myself for too many things.  My feet are so weak in the morning, I won't walk on stairs.  My vision can be funky still between chemo and this new drug.  Plus fatigue and chemo brain.  I will drive places I know, when it is daytime.  I don't like driving at night and I HATE going new places I am not familiar with.  Driving longer distances is still hard too.  I just get SO tired.  I never had an issue going places... it was just road rage before!

And feeling attractive?  Yeah, that's a joke.  I got an email from Old Navy today with 40% off of jeans.  I was thinking of buying a pair since I have such a limited wardrobe right now.  If I do, it would be 3 sizes bigger than what I was wearing a year ago.  Yup, up 3 f'ing sizes.  Toss in loss of muscle, the scars and my change in hairstyles?  No, I don't feel attractive.

It used to be a joke that the worse I looked, the nastier I was from working out, the more I got hit on.  I would finish a kickboxing class, be dripping in sweat, wearing my gym clothes, and stop to grab something to eat on the way home.  More often than not, someone would either flirt with me, hit on me, or flat out ask me out. 

I don't remember the last time someone flirted with me.  Why would anyone?  I'm overweight and have the "I finished chemo" hairstyle going. 

After my weekend away in Utah, I'm keeping in touch with most of the women I spent the weekend with, mostly through email.  One email I got the other day was almost hard for me to read, and it shouldn't be.  She said:



I was going to tell you I couldn't believe how beautiful you are with long blonde hair. And now your a short haired gorgeous warrior!  I know you said you were suffering from self image things but you shouldn't cause you're beautiful. But I do understand that I have a feeling the same way . Don't forget there's many out there like you and me and it's such a change in our room in our world but just know you're beautiful .


I don't think I'm beautiful.  I think my long blonde hair was beautiful. I think my body looked pretty good when I was thin and fit.  But now?  No.  I don't think I'm beautiful.  And I have a hard time hearing others say that to me. 

SO now I need to figure out what I want out of my life.  Where do I want to go and who do I want around me?  What do I want my life to look like in a year, in addition to me being cancer free? 

I have no freakin idea and that scares the crap out of me.