Julie on a Journey: Balancing Act

After months of dealing with fatigue, you'd think I'd have a more realistic way of managing. Nope! I make plans and go with it. Then suffer.

Yesterday I headed up to my home town to meet my dad. We went over to the pond to go kayaking with the free passes he picked up at the library. Not a bad deal. Instead of $15/hour for each kayak, we were on the pond for about an hour and a half in the 2 kayaks for free. The worst part is, I NEVER knew that they did this! And it was really a ton of fun.

I saw, "on the pond" and not kayaking for those 90 minutes. First off, dad had never been in a kayak before yesterday. I think he was a little nervous about tipping over, but got the hang of it. But he also doesn't exercise, unless you count his weekly golf league. So we did go slow when we went around the pond. That was really good for me. Otherwise, I would have been flying around there, then suffering later for being so sore.

Also, we just sort of floated for a bit. It was such a nice day out. Instead of heading in after our slow loop of the pond (with some coasting here and there along the way), we just sat in the kayaks and watched the sailboats and other kayaks for a bit as we sat in the sun. It was nice.

But after the 90 minutes, I was done. We left there, stopped at my parents house for a quick change, bathroom break and for me to grab glasses since I only had sunglasses, then we went out for lunch. It was a really nice change for me and good to hang out with my dad. Then I started to crash.

Since I was up in my old hometown, I had made some last minute plans with a friend of mine to meet her after she got out of work. I guess she knew better than me! When I texted her to cancel, she already figured that after kayaking I would be exhausted. Wish I knew that and didn't expect more from myself. I just knew if I went out with her, then by the time I headed home after rush hour traffic, it would still take me a while to get home and I wouldn't be home until after 8:30. That was TOO late for me, as tired as I was at 2pm.

I stopped by Jim's aunt's house for a quick visit to see how she made out after her 2nd round of chemo on Wednesday. She had her head shaved within that past week and was wearing her wig when I was over. The "real hair" wig looked AMAZING! I never ever would have known it was a wig if she didn't tell me that she had shaved her head.

Funny in a weird way... she said it had been really hard when her hair was thinning and just losing it in general. I told her, "And when people would say, 'It will grow back!' I would get so mad! How about I shave off YOUR head against your will and then tell YOU that it will grow back? Would that make losing it any easier??" His aunt completely understood that now. I wish she didn't understand it though.

Another one she gets now is the whole "being strong" thing. I told her how everyone would say that to me and all I could think about was, what choice do I really have? Either I do or I don't. His aunt said, "yeah, and I don't like the alternative." Yup! Either you do what you have to do for treatment, or you don't and then you die. So really, what are the options? Do or don't. Get treatment or die from cancer is a certainty. It isn't really about being strong, its about not wanting to die.

When I left her house around 3:45, which is sort of near the high school I went to, I headed home. It was about 4pm by the time I got through town to the highway to head south through the city to get home. JOY! I cannot believe the amount of traffic I hit going home! And not even just getting home, just getting through the city.

The mileage on my car hit 50,000 miles on my way home. I noticed when it was at 49,999 and took a quick picture of it on my phone. I texted Jim at 4:28 when I was in the tunnel. (for those in the Boston area, when I hung up a call near the Somerville theater, it was 4:04. I was IN the tunnel and sent the text at 4:28!) I took another picture at 50,000 miles and was STILL in the tunnel when I called Jim at 4:35. It took me more than 7 minutes to drive one FREAKIN mile!

Not that I EVER ran fast, but there are many runners who RUN faster than what I was driving on a 4 lane highway.

When I called Jim at that point, it was to have someone to talk to. I was so tired and drained, I was really afraid that I was going to fall asleep in my car while I was driving. I was so completely and totally exhausted. I almost started crying when I kept hitting lights after finally getting off the highway near home. I just wanted to go home. It was 5:45 when I walked in the door. TWO HOURS!

Yeah, I did start crying last night. Not sure over what really. Something stupid Jim said. And my answer was just, "I'm tired." and then I started crying.

So yup, I pushed WAY too much yesterday. A very slow easy 60 minutes of kayaking followed by 30 minutes of sitting on the water, then lunch and maybe an hour visit with Jim's aunt, then a 2 hour drive home. I was in bed before 10pm last night.

Of course, I was up before Jim's alarm went off at 6am. Got up, had my coffee and cereal, took my pills, now I'm on the sofa.

At least I have figured out that pushing it two days in a row is too much for me. I might not have figured out what it too much in one single day, but I know that I if I do a bit on one day, then I need to go easy the next. Today is go easy day.

I just have a doctor appointment with the Endocrinologist this morning for a follow up on my thyroid levels. They were off in April or May but she thought that was because of the steroids that I was on during chemo. My blood was tested after I took 20mg Monday night, then 20mg more on Tuesday morning. Then blood work. But when I had blood work that Friday, my levels were normal again.

On Wednesday I went for my blood work, so she will have the results of those when I come in today to see her. Hopefully it will be VERY quick. But still.... a $25 copay to be in and out of there.

Then I'll come home and nap.

IF I get energy, I will take my Ikea wicker chairs outside and use the black spray paint on them. Or I will try to sand down the table a little more that I worked on the other day. I like seeing progress on the front entry way. It looks nice.

And, I'm still trying to talk Jim into another dog. I think Rocco needs company, plus I really want to have another dog in the house. Rocco is Jim's dog. I want one too. When Jim gets home, I don't exist anymore for Rocco. If Jim falls asleep on the sofa, Rocco sleeps in the living room with him. I want a dog who sees me like that. My cats were like that and would sleep with me when I had my own place, but Jim is allergic and Rocco would eat them. I go and hang out with them, but it isn't the same thing. They can't sleep and snuggle up with me.

I found a dog I want on PetFinder. Right now he's in TN. He's an American Bulldog/Lab mix. They estimate he was born in mid May. When they found him and his sister, his eye was injured. No remaining or long term issues, but he's blind in that eye. Peanut looks more Lab and his sister, Poppy looks more American Bulldog.

Here's a few pics of the 2 dogs plus some of yesterday from kayaking.