Pink Isn't Pretty

The color for breast cancer is pink.  That doesn't mean anything about it is pretty.  It isn't.  I'm not going to apologize for anything I write in this blog.  What I write is real, its raw, its how I feel and it can be ugly. 

I have so many emotions that run through my head.  So many ups and downs, within minutes.  Someone I "met" online said she feels like she's bipolar dealing with it.  It sucks.  This blog, writing here, this is where I get it out of my head and how I try to stop the spinning spirals sending me into panic attacks. 

I'm not going to apologize if I offend people for what I write here.  This blog is about me and getting this shit out of my head.  I warn people that I don't hold back here.  No one has to read this.  This is how I help myself by getting things out of my head. 

Yesterday sucked.  It hurt so much.  And today I find out more people have been put off by my tone in emails and on this blog. 

This is breast cancer.  It isn't pretty just because its fucking pink.  Its real.  It impacts every single facet of my life.  Everything.  I can't even say from the moment I wake up because its before that.  Its in my sleep, my lack of sleep and in my dreams.  It is now in every relationship, every decision, and in the back of my mind for everything I do every day.  This is my new normal and this has become my life. 

I have lost my breasts and got expanders.  I have no feeling in my chest.  I lost my hair.  And I have lost relationships. 

Recently I have heard that people give what they can give.  And I understand that, believe that and accept that.  But I think there is a lot more to it than just that.  I think people don't know what to do. 

When a serious crisis occurs to someone and others want to help, like in any serious illness, surgery or worse, people want to be there, help and do something.  And they give what they can give.  But often times, people just don't KNOW what they can do, what would be helpful or wanted.  I know that happens with me.  When I tell someone, please let me know if there is anything at all I can do, I truly mean that.  PLEASE let me know!  I don't know what to do and I want to help, but I just don't know how or what to do, so please give me direction and let me know what is it that I can do. 

That is the place I come from. 

The past few weeks have been so hard.  Jim is working ALL the time.  Its after 9pm on a Sunday night and Jim has been working the entire day.  We spoke for less than 15 minutes today.  That's been the norm for the past couple of weeks. 

My chemo treatments are hitting me harder and harder, each one with stronger reaction than the last.  I miss so much of my life and feel so on my own, floundering. 

Last week I lost my hair.  All week the little shaved pieces keep falling out.  I see patches in my head. 

I feel alone. I am overwhelmed. I tried to ask for help.  I tried to reach out to people I thought I could reach out to.  I asked friends for help.  For company.  For visits.  For when I'm most lonely but feeling my best. 

I know what times of day I'm best.  Jim has one weeknight that he's home.  With how little time I actually see him, I would rather not have company that night and maybe get a chance to spend some time with him.  Mornings?  I'm SO slow to get going.  Who knows on a given morning how I'm doing.  But evenings work and I have energy too.  That's a good time of day for me.  Really good time of day for me with the treatments I'm going through. 

I am so deeply, overwhelming hurt and crushed by the email I received yesterday morning.  And because this was from someone who meant so much to me as a very good friend, it really had the power to cut like a knife to my core.  It was a crushing blow when I was already teetering on the edge.  It pushed me over, spiraling. 

Every time I think about that and then an email today, I don't even know anymore.  I think at this point I'm just numb.  Numb to it all. 

I'm sick of crying.  I'm sick of feeling like this. 

People tell me they want to help and to ask for anything.  I have such an unbelievably hard time asking for help.  SUCH a hard time.  But at one of the darkest points, I try.  I reach out to friends and ask for help.  And I'm shot down and slapped in the face.  At my absolute most vulnerable. 

I have not been this down or this dark since the first several weeks of first being diagnosed.  And this sucks. 

After the emails today, I knew I was a mess.  I wanted so much to reach out to people.  I knew it would have been the best thing for me.  But now I'm afraid to do that.  I only communicate when I need something is what I was told.  When I'm so down and depressed, sobbing to the point I can barely breathe... isn't that when I should be able to reach out? 

But now I can't.  Now I'm afraid to ask for anything again.  Because I'm offensive, demanding and create my own isolation.  So now that isolation is going to get worse for me. 

I really don't even know what to do anymore.  I don't know how to get through this anymore.  Damned if I do and damned if I don't.  I ask for my friends help because it is what I need right now.  But I'm selfish bitch for doing it? 

Jim needs a break is what I heard before.  Yeah, I try to not put it all on him.  Which is why I got up and went into the bedroom to cry today.  He is so overwhelmed with work.  He doesn't need to deal with another day of me in tears and out of control sobbing. 

I tried to reach out to my friends. 

The same people have been there again and again for me.  And you know who you are.  You know that I hear from you and appreciate all that you do. 

I thought I had other people I could reach out to.  Now I know I was wrong and how wrong I was. 

Reaching out like that, asking for help, for support.... that's not a mistake I will make again.  Ever.  I tried.  I reached out.  I was shot down HARD.  When I was fighting to stay afloat, I got a kick to the head, to push me deep under.  And I fighting to not drown. 

I still wonder what it is I'm fighting for.  If I'm such a selfish, offensive bitch?  From a close friend? 

I've lost so much with all of this and I just keep losing more and more.  And that sucks. 

Now, I just want to let the friends and family out there that have been there and do want to help, I'm not asking for anything anymore.  I'm not going to reach out.  I'll go with the advice I was given.  People do what they can do and give what they can give. 

I can't handle being shot down by people I love and trust again.  I just can't take another blow.  I've had too many hits, one after another over the past few months.  I can't take anymore from people who are close to me.  I can't handle anymore. 

If I am going to keep fighting cancer, I need to have a fight in me.  I am only 25% through chemo.  Then I have 6 weeks of radiation.  I'll still have more surgeries after that.  This isn't a 2013 thing.  I will still be doing the recovery well over a year from now.  This isn't a quick thing and move on. 

If I am going to have anything in me to fight, I need to have focus and positive energy around me.  Right now, that is the last thing I am feeling.  So I am not reaching out anymore.  I can't handle the backlash.  I can't handle anymore. 

For friends and family that do want to help and do want to be there for me and have been there for me,  Thank you.  You're support have been what has gotten me through this.  Without you, I would not have gotten this far. 

Things as simple as messages, cards, texts, calls and visits mean the absolute world to me.  You haven't forgotten me.  You give me strength and energy to keep going.  As much as I need that to continue in this, I am not sure I can ask again.  I'm really afraid now to reach out and ask for anything, if something as simple as please come see me on the nights I am home alone and at my darkest is received the way it was.  I won't ask again. 

I appreciate everything that everyone has done.  I can't say that enough.  Even the friends who have now disappeared or who are insulted by me asking for company... I appreciate what they did up until now. 

But I'm not asking for me.  I'll do my best to put one wary foot in front of the other and hope that the wonderful supportive people in my life will continue to be there. 

I'm really looking forward to seeing my friend Melanie tomorrow night.  She's coming down from NH and spending the night to take me to chemo on Tuesday.  I received a wonderful offer of help from someone I talked to today about the email.... she's going to cover the March 26th chemo for me, and I didn't ask her, she just offered. (if you read this THANK YOU! You mean the absolute world to me and your support has made such an amazing difference to me and I love you!)

I have 4 chemo treatments between April and May. 
April 9th, Karla
April 23rd Jill S
May 7th, Jenn B
May 21st, Jen O

There's my reminder.  I can't reach out again.  That's what started this.  If I don't hear back, I'll figure out a back up plan and find someone else to take me, even if I have to ask Jim to take another day off of work.   

I'm hoping that I get out of this dark place that I'm in right now and I really wish that many things this weekend didn't happen.  It hurt too much and hit too hard.  I have learned my lesson and now I know... don't ask for help and don't reach out to friends when you are down.  The disappointment it too much to take after being slapped down.  And I just can't handle going through that again. 

Not now.  Not during chemo.  Not when my emotions have me off on 500 feet drops with hot flashes tossed in for good measure.  Not bald.  Not when my self-esteem and confidence is at the lowest it has ever been in my entire life.  I can't take it and I am NOT strong enough to deal with it.  Not by any stretch of any imagination. 

If I offended you, I really don't care.  I'm a bitch like that, only thinking about myself and my well being on my fucking blog.  You don't like it or me or my attitude, then stop reading my blog.