Always a Struggle

I'm still struggling after the weekend.  Between the 2 emails, from Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon, I was in a horrible downward spiral.  Spinning out of control, afraid to reach out to anyone for help after being told I only communicate when I need something.  After that, how could I ask anyone for help?  Why would I?  It was so hard to ask in the first place and that was the reaction.  Why would I do it again? 

After writing here and posting on Facebook, the support I got was incredible.  People from 20+ years ago, good friends, family and even people I never met! (Thank you Nancy!  I know you get it and that means SO much!)  It was so nice to have to have people reach out like that and be supportive and understanding.  I needed that so much and I am so grateful for it. 

My emotions are on a roller coaster.  Chemo isn't fun.  Breast cancer isn't a picnic.  Am I angry?  Yes.  How can I not be angry?  I HAVE to be angry.  This is after all called "Fighting cancer" isn't it?  Shouldn't I be angry? 

And this weekend after the email that cut like a knife, (Cut and paste so there is NO confusion)  "You're only communicating with people when you want something from them."  How could I reach out again and ask for help when I was SOBBING?  I had already.  To someone I thought was a very good friend, and I was kicked in the face. 

Am I demanding? 

I know when I physically feel my best.  I know what times of day work.  I also know when I am emotionally at my worst.  That's when I specifically asked for help, for company.  Is that being demanding?  If so, then yeah, I guess I am. 

And then, am I offensive?  I put people off.  And people are afraid of my "wrath". 

Now, even thinking about it all, I'm still hurt and I'm angry that someone would send me such a hurtful hateful email.  I read what I had said prior to that.  I took a few things out so it isn't too specific.  Although at this point, this person has now told our entire group about this, and based on what has been said to me, I'm sure it was in much detail.  I have been doing my best to NOT put her out there, even though she does not have that same respect for me.

Part of my email...
*********************************************************************************

I'm not saying any of this to bitch and it isn't to make you or anyone else feel bad. I'm just being honest about how I have been feeling about it. Its just been really hard. Its hard for me to reach out to people. Jim's at work all day and I'm home unless I have an appointment. He still has to have his release and he goes to the gym 3 nights a week. I'm still home. A few people have popped over to visit. Laura works from home and a couple of times she's come over with her laptop, working next to me, but just so I have some company. Its great cuz it breaks up my day.

A few other people have popped over now and again too which is nice.

I don't know.. it could be just everything piling on. Chemo fatigue hitting me. Losing my hair. Feeling out of sorts with chemo brain. Not living my old life anymore... having a new normal now. and feeling like I have lost more with the people in my life too. 

At the same time reaching out... I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone and I don't want pity. I want my old life that I can't have anymore and I want the relationships I used to have. I know that they have changed but its still hard. I don't know... I'm not sure I'm explaining it clearly. Lost that too. Chemo brain f'ing sucks. SO f'ing frustrating. All of it. But again... my new f'ing normal.
*********************************************************************************
SO after sending that and hearing that I'm demanding, I only communicate when I want something and I guilt people into things... that sucked!  That was so cutting.  That was intentionally choosing words.. YOU YOU YOU did this and do this. 

I specifically said HOW hard it is to reach out to people.  I said how bad I was feeling and even from reading it again, I sound fucking depressed.  And in the response I get, she tells me "You're only communicating with people when you want something from them."   Yeah, I see how I could somehow misunderstand that and how there is any possible way to NOT take that as a malicious attack. 

But I am trying SO hard to focus on the positives.  I am SO grateful for what people do.

I'm not sure how what I bitch here, what I puke out of my head onto the keyboard can be taken any other way. I clearly write out, I have crazy shit in my head.  If I don't put it here, it stays in my head.  Um, panic attack anyone?  I don't think so. SO writing here is helpful for me.  It gets that out of my head.  If you don't like it, you don't like my tone or you are offended, don't fucking read it. 

I'm not asking anyone to read this.  I am doing this so the emotions that stay in my head are manageable.  I don't want these emotions in my head. 

But this is cancer.  It isn't pretty.  Its scary.  If I don't do something, I  WILL DIE.  SO yeah, I have STRONG emotions about it.  I get scared.  I get angry.  I get fucking pissed off.  I get sad and hysterical. 

At the same time, I am also happy and grateful and blessed. 

Grateful?  Yes.  I have reconnected with some incredible friends from many many years ago. And I am so happy for that!  I have been able to spend time with people when I wouldn't have been able to do that.  I have met new people, in person and online, that I never would have met otherwise. 

My Brazilian friend?  I love her.  Her and I share this incredible bond now.  We were both diagnosed around the same time.  She started with chemo, then had surgery while I was the opposite.  We talked each other through our steps in this journey.  We talk through email now every single day.  I never would have her incredible friendship without this in my life. 

I am given a chance to really consider what I want to do with the rest of my life.  What do I want to be when I grow up?  I have been lucky enough to meet some amazing people in a strange twist, one after another, who are currently working in the field that I ultimately would like to go into.  A field I knew I wanted to go into but now even more, and more defined. 

My relationship with my AMAZING boyfriend isn't perfect by any means, but I have seen even more than I knew before, what an incredible man he is.  I am so grateful for him, his love, his support, encouragement and how he has been by my side through all of this without question.  I love him more than I knew it was possible to love and whatever the future happens to hold, nothing will change my respect for him. 

I am grateful for every card I have on my kitchen island.  Once I clean off the cards, I put them into a basket, also on the island, which is now overflowing! 

And I have said ALL of this before (am I really always that angry like people tell me?  I'm guessing that haven't read the highs as well as the lows). 

I feel like I have a new purpose to work to get legislation changed in Massachusetts for other women to not have to go through an aggressive cancer diagnosis like I did.  Mine could have been discovered 16 months earlier.  Yes, that makes me angry, but I'm using that anger as a focus to make change. 

One other thing that I am grateful for, even with this whole nightmare weekend, I'm grateful for the opportunity to re-evaluate my life.  What direction do I want my future to go?  What do I need to do to get there? 

And right now, what do I need to do and what is best for me to get through the next year of treatments and recovery? 

I know that I need to be in the most positive place I can be, with good support and energy around me.  I also know that means I need to re-evaluate WHO I allow into my life.  I cannot have stress or anxiety welcome into my life. That's not healthy on a good day, forget about going through chemo.  People that bring that, they are no longer welcome. 

I got many emails and messages since yesterday, one from a very dear and old friend... as in how long we have known each other.  I'm older than her anyway!  And she's right (yes, you can smile... I'm admitting it, you are right!) 

So it sounds like you have couple of friends who are struggling with understanding how you are being affected by oh I dunno, fighting for your life! Nothing big ya know. I am really sorry that your friends have let you down. Hurts worse when you are hurting so much already. I don't want to keep picking at this wound, so I'm just going to say that it seems like maybe you need to re-evaluate you friendships, what they mean, are they really more acquaintances, vs your in my corner when things get rough.

Sad part is, I thought this was an my corner when things got rough sort of friend.  Now I know I was wrong, big time. 

Being angry is easier.  It doesn't hurt as much.  It doesn't leave me sobbing for hours, afraid to pick up the phone to call out and reach out for help.... all I could hear in my head was " You're only communicating with people when you want something from them."   Hysterical sobbing, I was AFRAID to reach out for help.  If I hear back to back from 2 people that I am demanding, afraid of my wrath, and only when I want something? 

The one thing I needed most was a friend.  That's what I wanted when I originally reached out.  Which is SO hard for me to do in the first place.  And the reaction I got hurt SO much.  SO MUCH. 

I'm so grateful for my friend Tracie who came over yesterday.  I needed that more than I can possibly express.  There are not words to describe how much that meant to me and how much I needed that time. 

Although now, I'm not so sure it was for me!  :)  As she walked in, she asked where her boyfriend was.  I think some people come to visit now so they can see Rocco and not me!  Laura admitted it anyway! 

But seriously... Tracie has hung out a few times.  We've gotten lunch, hung out, she was with me when I got my wigs.  It was a day I was afraid of, the first time trying on wigs.  But Tracie was great.  She made it fun.  I know she is an amazing friend.  She has plenty on her plate too, not all good.  I get that and the fact that she makes time, to connect with me through all of that means SO much to me. 

I'm not saying I am expecting people to give me all their free time.  I'm not expecting much.  But I was hoping to still be able to see my friends.  Laura works from home and has some flexibility.  I am shocked that she's able to come over and work from here as much as she does.  I don't expect it, but I LOVE it.  Even if she's working the entire time, sitting next to me on the sofa.... having someone here is great. 

Friends that live in NH or north or west of Boston... NOT an easy ride to come visit me.  The fact that so many have is amazing and SO much appreciated.  THANK YOU! 

Chemo brain has me foggy and unfocused.  I'm not really comfortable driving at night or even where I'm not familiar during the day. I have NO focus, even with my ADD pills!  I'm all over the place now.  Driving?  I have to REALLY focus hard.  So where I don't know or at night?  Not easy and I'm just not comfortable with it. 

That's why I asked for people to come here.  To drive to my house.  And it hurts that by me asking that, I'm seen as being demanding.  When I'm most upset, in my darkest place emotionally, when I'm not comfortable driving, asking for friends to help me get through that is taken as me being demanding.  And that sucks. 

I don't ask for help.  I hate asking for help.  HATE it.  HATE.  So doing it?  That was SO hard.  Maybe I didn't do it right.  I don't know.  I don't know how to do it.  Asking for help is painful for me.  That means I can't do it.  I'm needy.  I'm dependant on others.  I can't take care of myself.  Asking for help?  Admitting that?

And finally getting strength and courage to do it. 

You're only communicating with people when you want something from them.

Those words will forever echo in my mind. 

And since then, since I said how much that email hurt me, I have heard nothing.  Not one apology for how upset that email made me.  For sending me into shaking sobs.  Nothing.  Not one word. 

If it wasn't intentional, if it wasn't lashing out at me... YOU YOU YOU.... if it wasn't meant to be hurtful, or malicious, then why nothing since?

If I found out that something I did or said to someone was taken in such a hard way when I had no malicious intent, I would IMMEDIATELY apologize for hurting that person, especially if it was someone I cared about. 

I heard nothing.  Not a word. 

Not malicious?  Not meant to be hurtful?  Not lashing out? 

Am I angry?  I'd rather be angry than crying again.  Who wants to be hurt?  It doesn't feel good.  My reaction is get angry.  It feels better.  So I'm going to stick with my anger. 

Today someone (who was among those told about this whole thing) told me that maybe things will calm down and her and I can talk. 

No, we can't.  When I said I was done, I mean, I am done.  I need to limit what I choose to expose myself to.  I won't see violent movies or anything that makes me tense up.  Why would I choose to invite this relationship back into my life? 

I need my energy for chemo.  I need to get through radiation.  I need to heal for MONTHS, up to 6 or more, before my next surgery.  I have a LONG road ahead of me.  I can't handle more stress or anxiety or being slammed down again.  I can't knowingly choose to invite that into my life. 

So no.  There will not be a conversation in a week or so.  There will not be any conversation.  I can't do that to myself.  I need to do what is good for me and my health and this relationship is neither. 


For those who have or have not met Jim, here is a pefect example of him and why I love him so much.  I know he doesn't read this.  I try to read to him whatever I write about him, so he at least knows.  I read him the little part here about him. 

He's getting ready to go out.  He said, "I'm upset."  I said, "What? Why?" 

His answer, "You don't think we have a perfect relationship." 

Gotta love him.  Then he is putting on his coat, demanding me said, "Give me a kiss".  He said, "No, we don't have a perfect relationship." 

Yup, I do, gotta love him!  :) 

SO okay, I'll change it.  We don't have a perfect relationship by any means, but him and our relationship are absolutely perfect for me.  And I love him!  Mr. Off The Charts!  :) 


(and fyi, he's okay with this part now!)  :)