Lost

This week hasn't been busy nor has it been easy. 

As much as I knew the side effects of chemo would be cumulative, I still didn't expect the fatigue to get worse or last longer than it originally did.  Chemo was last Tuesday.  Monday?  I did NOTHING.  I got in the shower (and out of my pj's) at 7:45pm.  Yes, PM! 

My day on Monday was spent on the sofa, dozing on and off all day.  Besides my shower just before 8pm, I put the clean dishes away from the dishwasher and also cleaned out the cabinet under the bathroom sink.  Oh and I watched TV.  That was my entire day.  All day! 

Originally I was supposed to go to the YMCA to work out with the trainer, but Jim needed to use my car for work.  I'm not sure if it was fatigue kicking my ass, not having the ability to go anywhere (I will NOT drive Jim's car.  GOD forbid something happened while I had that thing... a 2 seater Mercedes convertible?  HELL NO!)  or if it was a combination of the two, but I had NO energy at all and it sucked. 

Tuesday I was supposed to FINALLY go back to kickboxing.  But Monday night it snowed again and they canceled the 10am kickboxing class.  I actually HAD my car and it was crappy out all day.  I did manage to shower during the day, never took a nap, did 3 loads of laundry, plus picked up a few things around the house.  It was nice to have energy, but frustrating to again, NOT do what I wanted to do. 

I was bummed too, because I feel horrible about myself right now.  First, I have nothing going on.  My focus and ability to comprehend things and retain information is so slim right now.  I have a pile of magazines I don't even have the attention for!  Forget about trying to go back to work.  I'm too afraid of how much I'll screw up and make big mistakes.  Not a good thing. 

Then toss in, I haven't done any exercise, other than a day here or there, in about 5 months.  Really?? Sitting on my butt all day, bored, eating crappy food, not exercising and having steroids as part of the drugs that I am taking?  Can you say 12 pounds?  Yesterday I dug through the back of my closet to see the old jeans I had back there.  I really thought I tossed them all, but my "fat" jeans were back there.  Hmmm.... yeah.  Tight.  :(   My fat jeans are TIGHT!  I have gained 12 pounds in 5 months.

I feel like a disgusting slob.  With scars across my chest, a bald head, and now being fat?  And having nothing to do most days other than sit my ass on the sofa?  Oh yeah, I'm feeling really good about myself! 

I need a hobby!!!!  That's what I said to Jim yesterday. 


Oh, I did leave the house yesterday.  I found a patio set online yesterday, when I wasn't even looking.  I just happened to look at the local Target ad online.  It isn't the prettiest set, but a table, umbrella, and 4 folding chairs.  $99!  The damn table by itself in the store was $84 and the chairs were $25 each.  SO its kind of like getting the table and umbrella for free.

Last summer we put so much effort into the backyard, building the patio.  It looked so good when we were done (okay so now the 1948 Olds that Jim bought to restore is on it, along with the 1950 something yard tractor/snow plow thing he bought about a month ago, but whatever).  I told Jim that in a few weeks when it starts to warm up, I want to pick up the backyard again. 

I would love him to move the car and tractor OFF the new patio and a bit off to the side.  I want to clean up the rest of the yard again, put out the new patio set and the hammock that I bought Jim the Christmas before last.  His parents gave us their HUGE grill they don't use, so we have that back there too.  It will just look nice when its cleaned up and done.

We could have dinner out there, relax out there.  If Jim's working on the car, I could lay on the hammock and read or nap (in the shade of course, since I can't get sun and am sensitive to it with chemo).  We could have people over and now we'll have a place to eat outside too.  I want to get a couple of plants and pretty it all up.  It could be really nice back there.  The yard is a good size, not huge, but a good size and could be really nice. 

Then I came up with another project, another thing to do with my time.  I've been spending way too much time watching HGTV and DIY.  All the flipping shows, remodel shows, Curb Appeal, etc... all of them.  It just makes me want to do so much.  I've always loved things like that, but I always rented and never had the okay to even paint the walls!  But now I'm here, at Jim's house, that he owns and was gutting. 

He did an unbelievably amazing job with the kitchen, living room, bathroom and bedroom.  They look SO good.  Every time someone comes over, they can't get over how nice the kitchen is.  It is beautiful! 

Jim didn't do the back two rooms.  The back bedroom and his "office".  His desktop computer is back in the office, with my parents old futon and his old flat screen TV (wasn't big enough... boys and their toys, I guess).  I wouldn't tough that room... kind of "man cave"-ish.  But the other room?

He did buy a bedroom set, off Craigslist I think.  Its nice and all, but too big for that room.  My old mattresses are on the queen sized bed, but I want to move the frame to the attic and move the dresser out of there too.  (the other pieces are in his office).

THEN I want to redo the room!  Clean up the hardwood floors, fix the hole in the wall, paint the God awful bright fluorescent green walls, do a DIY project to make a headboard for the bed.  Buy old furniture to fix up from a flea market, salvation army or yard sale thing to put in there too. 

Eventually Jim wants to extend the back of the house, put in a new stairwell, make a master suit on the 3rd floor (attic) and he said he might have to rip out part of that back bedroom to do that, so he sees it as a waste of money and time.  But, like I said, he has the 1948 Olds he is remodeling.  His work has been insane, working nights and weekends at home.  He goes to the gym 3 nights a week for MMA classes.  He wants to do pavers for the 2 driveways in the spring.  I know I'm missing other projects he wants to do. 

So the master suit on the 3rd floor, extending the back of the house, moving the stairs, ripping out part of the back bedroom?  That isn't happening in 2013.  Most likely not even in 2014.  He was talking about doing it when I met him 2 years ago! He has SO many things he's doing and working on, that finding time for it all is his biggest problem. 

I figure, if he never gets to it, then the backroom isn't the horrible green anymore and the room will be nicer and overall increase the value of the house, even though I wouldn't be spending a ton of money on it.  And it will be a PROJECT!!  I could have a hobby, something to do. 

Now Jim said that he doesn't think I should be around all of that, the dust, chemicals and whatnot.  He wants a doctors note that I can.  Since I got a doctors note to not shovel, he wants one that I can work on the back room. 

Tuesday I'm asking my oncologist about it. 

Last night I was on Home Depots website.  I found a ceiling fan/light that I like and want to use for that room to replace the nasty one in there.  I want to do wainscot paneling in white on the bottom and blue on the top of the walls.  He doesn't have color in the house, all taupe's and neutral colors.  I love color and want to do something different.  Then refinish furniture I find for the room and make a headboard and find funky fabrics and textures for it too, but all for cheap.  Learn as I go and do most of it myself. 

Jim said he'd need someone to come in and do the ceiling.  I know he'd need to take out some of the horrible ceiling lights and then put in the new light I pick out.  I'm not sure how to fix the hole in the wall along the closet, so he might need to help me with that, but sanding the walls, painting, cleaning up the floors?  Doing the furniture?  I'll need help MOVING things, but actually doing all of that, I can do.  And I don't think it will take too much time away from all the other things Jim wants to do. 

And I'll have SOMETHING to do!  Physical, moving, not too much to mentally tax myself with to make me feel overwhelmed or frustrated that I'm not getting.  And cheap.  Chemo is going on for another 2 months.  Its not like I don't have time on my side here.  And that's before radiation starts too.  (which also causes intense fatigue).

I just got excited about finding something to do.  Its been a while since I've had that.  Originally Jim mentioned getting another dog, so Rocco has a friend.  I started looking up young female American Bulldogs up for adoption.  Not a puppy, but still young.  But now Jim doesn't want to do that and thinks it would be too much on me during treatment (I think its a good time to get a new dog, since I'm actually HOME all the time.  Seems perfect to me!  If I can get the doctor to okay that one too!  Hmm.... )

So then it was off to HGTV and finding a project. 

I'm looking forward to more exercise, getting back into shape and feeling better about myself.  With not working out, gaining as much weight as I have, being bald and having scars, all of it has hit my confidence.  Sitting home all day doing nothing, dealing with chemo side effect like fatigue and chemo brain and the crap that happened a couple of weeks ago when I reached out to friends for help added to it too. 

Lately, I have felt so lost and so down.  I don't have anything to focus on or anything to contribute to, just getting through chemo.  I know that my health and being focused on that should be enough, but it isn't.  I need to actually be doing something.

It was hard to think I had exercise on Monday and Tuesday and to have them both not happen.  I'm looking forward to doing something physical again.  Tomorrow I'm doing SOMETHING, not sure what yet.  I'm signed up for one fitness thing at the cancer support community, but kickboxing is at the exact same time and I'd LOVE to go there too. 

Hopefully things will start to look up and I can get a new focus and feel and then feel better about myself overall too. 

The rest of this week should be really good, so I'm positive about it all.

Today I have a couple of appointments, that I need to start getting for!  Tonight Jim is home.  I have food out of the freezer to cook for dinner so we can sit down and eat together, which I love.  He is going to help me work out at home tonight, in the living room (since I really can't be in the basement in the home Jim).  Then I'm going to do some yoga stretches to help Jim stretch. 

Tomorrow I have some sort of working out thing, then a doctor appointment in the afternoon.  After that I'm looking forward to meeting up with a friend again. 

Friday will be busy too.  During the day for lunch, I'm getting together with another friend and that night is a fundraising party for the Avon Breast cancer walk.  Team Betty Boobs party.  I'm looking forward to that SO much.  A good friend who I haven't seen in about a year is going so it will be nice to see him too.  Plus he's an AMAZING dancer, so I know I'll get some time in doing the West Coast Swing with him, and he'll just make me look great on the dance floor.

So I have lots going on to look forward to and I'm trying to focus on all of that.  I need positive things to look forward to.  That will help get me through all of this in a better place mentally, which will help me get through treatments more easily and to heal that much better from everything. 

I know I can do all of this.  I know I'm stronger than this.  I know I'll make it through this. 

The road is very hard and has so many bumps along the way but I'll make it.  I have great people by my side supporting me and helping me, cheering me along.  Their help and support gets me through each day. 

Thank you SO much to the friends who do check in and say hi in whatever way... calls, texts, emails, facebook messages, cards, whatever.  I LOVE them all and need it.  Without your support, I feel so lost and alone and I can't do it.  I NEED you and your support so much, so please know how much I love and appreciate you and the support you give.  You make an unbelievable difference in my life.  You get me though each day. 

Thank you for that. 

Don't ever think that reaching out to say hi or thinking of you to someone is a bad thing.  I may not always respond right away.  It may take me a while to get back to it.  I have messages I read on Monday that I haven't replied to.  I was toast then, and I forget to go back sometimes.  But it means the WORLD to me to hear from you.  It matters to me.  Your encouragement and kind words are so important to me. 

Thank you for your help in feeling better about myself and getting through the challenges of this.  Thank you just doesn't seem enough... I guess that's why I'm rambling about it, but its all I can say.  What you do, matters.  Thank you.