Some days are good and others aren't so good. This is one of the latter days. It is just 9aam, yet I have already cried twice so far. I'm sure it will be more as the day goes on, judging by the start.
Originally I was excited about today. It was going to be fun. About a year ago I bought a Groupon for an outdoor ice skating rink. I asked a friend of mine if she wanted to go with me and we were going today. She emailed me super early this morning that she has a sore throat and is congested and wanted to let me know. Well, she's right. We should reschedule.
It just got me down that I can't do what I used to do. She was up for still going, but I can't be around that. My blood count is still low today and I just can't chance it. And that SUCKS. I can't do what I want to do because of chemo. I lost so much already and the hits keep on coming. I just started feeling really down about it.
Today I can't go ice skating because she has a cold. Yesterday I couldn't help Jim shovel because of my physical recovery. There is just a growing lift of "can't"s in my life and I hate that. I miss doing what I used to do. It sucks.
Last weekend I was pretty upset and that came back again today.
This whole thing, it sucks. I try so hard to not be a burden on anyone. I try to let everyone know how grateful I am for the support that I get. I got over the crickets that I had in the beginning. Those people I didn't hear from and haven't heard from. Fine. Whatever.
I LOVE just hearing little messages from people, texts, emails, messages. Cousin Judy's texts that only say "XOXO" puts a giant smile on my face! And the people that I do hear from, like my friend I was going to go skating with today, I feel fine and comfortable reaching out and not being a pain in the ass or whatever to them.
I'm home. I'm not working. I have LONG days sometimes. Friends work. Why would I spend the day up their asses emailing when I know they are busy and have shit to do? Melanie will email from work and I'll reply to her and chat with her, but I know that's when she's not ripping her hair out at work. Other friends that email, text or facebook message.... I love it and I'll do my best to reply (unless the fatigue hits and then its the chemo brain to remember to get back to it!) A few weeks ago, I met my friend Brenda for coffee. Took me a week to remember to actually send her a text to ask if she wants to get together next week for a coffee or a walk or something (literally had to write it down to try to remember it!).
These are with people I hear from fairly often. I don't feel like a burden when I reach out and I don't feel like I'm bothering them with anything.
Other than that... all I heard about is that people want to help but don't know what they can do to help. So be specific and say, XYZ would be great. Okay. Fine. I can do that.
So just over a week ago I sent out an email to a group of friends, the girls. The ten others I'm friends with in this group. As I was writing an email, I heard from 2 of them. Great timing! In the email I said how its hard. I leave the house for appointments. Otherwise, I'm home. Then Jim goes to his classes at the gym 3 nights a week and again, I'm home. If anyone is around, it would be great to have some company.
I miss seeing my friends and it would be awesome to have them come over and hang out. I can't do what I used to do to with running and all that, but I still would love to see them. Going out for dinner every night isn't really possible for me, so yeah, I'd love it if friends would pop over to hang out and visit.
So in that email, I asked for friends to come hang out. I sent it to the 10 of them. 2 had already messaged me. 2 more replied. Crickets from 6. Not even sure if they got or read the email. I never heard anything.
Then last Sunday, I got a text from one. She was with 2 others at a race we did last year. The race the 4 of us were at last year when the Puerto Rico trip we went on was starting as just an idea. Later that afternoon I saw the pictures of the 3 of them. Last year it was 4 of us.
That was SO hard. I felt so left out and hurt that no one asked if I wanted to go. Only 2 ran the race. One was there for support. No one asked me if I wanted to be there for support too.
After a couple of back and forth emails of the past couple of days, I told one friend pretty much was I am writing here. It wasn't to make anyone feel bad, I was just putting out how I felt about it. It hurt to not be asked. It hurt to feel left out. It sucks to feel like I'm losing so many things.
She responded again this morning. I only reach out when I want something. The way I ask makes her feel guilted into it. She thinks I'm frustrated that friends are doing what I am asking. I feel isolated but I created that for myself by withdrawing. I would get more volunteers if I didn't ask.
I was in tears. Jim turned around and saw me with tears streaming down my face. He's so good. He came over, put his arms around me, asking me what was wrong. I told him I heard back and she said I only reach out when I want something. I'm sick of this and I can't do it anymore. I have lost so much.
I knew that relationships would change, but I have lost so much and I just keep on losing more and more. I just want to see my friends and keep those friendships. I can't be out running and seeing them at physical things like I used to and I can't afford to be at a restaurant every night. So yeah, can you come over and hang out? I'd love to see my friends!
But that's asking and expecting things from people? Seriously? I was trying to ask people to come over and hang out with me. How is that different than lets go out for dinner other than location and cost?
With the chemo brain, I'm trying to not do a lot of driving at night. My focus is kind of shot more than normal. I'd rather do my driving when its still light out. I'm just more comfortable with that. And even still.... wouldn't it be worse to ask if I can go to my friends houses to hang out? To invite myself over?
I'm just hitting another rough spot. I don't want to lose friends too, especially friends that I felt so close to before. Friends who were such an important part of my life and friends I love.
It isn't like that with other friends though. That's the part I don't understand. I don't know what I'm missing. The other friends I have, who haven't gone missing, I feel more comfortable with and I don't feel like a burden with them. I ask them to hang out and its fine. But then there are friends who were there, but have disappeared now. I want to see them. I would love to hang out. I ask and don't get a response.
But when I do, I'm told I only reach out when I want something and maybe I'd have more volunteers if I didn't ask. I don't want volunteers. I want see my friends. And I'm demanding and expecting and make people feel guilty with how I ask? Wanting to see my friends is demanding? And I shouldn't ask? And how I do ask makes them feel guilty?
The whole thing is so frustrating. I'm hurt and I'm angry.
I understand everyone has their own stuff going on. I get that! That's why I hate bothering people I don't hear from. But I finally suck it up and ask friends to hang out and this is how its received? Why should I even try anymore? What's the fucking point?
When I start in a place like this in my head, its hard to get out of it. I try so hard to focus on the good in my life, but that isn't always easy. I get angry that I can't do things because of cancer and now I feel like I've lost friends because of it too. And that sucks. cancer, the gift that keeps on fucking giving.
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And now its after 10pm. Damn, this hit me hard today. It makes me mad at myself that I let this ruin my entire day.
At one point I cried to Jim, what f'ing life am I fighting to save? Sometimes I just want to quit, to give up. What's the point?
This is so hard sometimes. SO hard. I try to focus on the good and all the positives in my life. I try to see what I can gain out of this. Then little things pile up and hit me right in the face and it sucks. SUCKS.
I am not someone who can easily ask for help. I never have been. Even professionally. I'll just do it myself, why bother or inconvenience anyone else. But now I know that I CAN'T do it. I don't have the energy to do things I used to do. I don't have the strength and I have to be aware of germs. I need help. It just is what it is now.
But asking for it? Even now it isn't easy. Some people make it easier. Some people tell me that they wish they could do more, and those are the ones who are already doing so much. I always try to thank people again and again for something as simple as a text message saying hello. Just that alone means SO much to me.
I finally sucked it up and asked for company. I guess that was too much to ask from people I really honestly thought were friends. I have never been so hurt or heartbroken by people I cared about than I am today. Heartbroken is probably the best way to say it. Because I feel like I have completely lost friendships now. And that hurts.
Tonight I was surfing through Facebook, scrolling through reading posts. I saw two quotes that today really clicked for me.
The first was:
Sometimes in life you have to burn a bridge or two to get the negative energy out of your life no matter who it is.
The second was from Fight Like a Girl's page and I shared that on my own page too.
A person fighting cancer or another serious illness is dealing with enough without adding negative people to the list. Don't let these people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out!
I think I needed to read these today. I needed a reminder that I have to surround myself with positive people. I do need to focus on myself. If I'm being selfish or demanding, GOOD! I have to put myself first. I am going through chemo for CANCER!
I get that everyone has their own shit in their lives. Yup. Bitch about your job and everything that's going on all around you. I used to be there too. I used to have that life. I used to have the freedom and innocence with that.
But I heard "YOU HAVE CANCER" and if you never heard those words, then you just don't get it.
I never put myself first. I always would think of other people and how things I did impacted them. But right now, my life kind of depends on me thinking of myself first. If you don't like that, or if I am imposing on you for anything... then fine. Consider the rent raised and move the fuck out.
I don't have the time, energy, strength or desire to deal with the bullshit anymore. Getting through chemo is fucking exhausting and draining. I nap most days, not as a luxury, but because I cannot stay awake! If me asking for company is imposing on your life, then don't come. Continue to not reply to any emails I send. Continue to not contact me. I FUCKING GET IT.
Yes, I am using this time to evaluate my life. What is good and positive can stay. If something or someone causing me stress, anxiety or hurt, I'm done. I'm cutting ties and moving on. I'm sure there will be quite a bit that doesn't make the cut. But this is the time.
This is when priorities shift. This is when things come into focus.
You always hear that when the shit hit the fan you discover who your true friends are, but until the shit really hits the fan, like with cancer, its hard to know how true that statement is. I have learned the hard way who my true friends are.
I have been so blessed with so many incredible people around me. There are too many to count and list. Michelle, Melanie, Tracie, Jen O, Jenn B, Jennifer, Christine, Laura, Pam, Robyn, Sue, Melissa, Andrea, Stacy, Judy... my God, there are too many and I'm sorry if I am not listing you. I'm toast right now. Jill G, just sent me a BEAUTIFUL cookie arrangement. My friend Carol from Brazil I've never met, who I feel closer to than friends I have known for a few here. Jim's mom. My parents. The list goes on and on! Thank you all!
The other night my friend Robyn said something about all the cards I had on the island. Once its gets to be too many up there, I take the older ones and put them in a basket up there... a basket FULL of cards now. But they are all there. And I love going back and rereading them. I love the messages of support and encouragement. I NEED that!
I need to focus on that and only on that. I need to cut my losses for anyone who considers hanging out with me or even being asked to hang out with me an imposition. Time to move on from negative energy in my life.
Now I want to move forward. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have a general idea but I am trying to reign that in and get a better focus on it so I can work on the details of it all. Part of that will include having great friends and positive people in my life.
To get there, more relationships in my life will shift and change, and some may not survive. That's okay. That's part of life. What's that saying, people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Just because friends aren't lifetime friends isn't bad. But the season has changed and its time to move on with a few of the people I have in my life.
Yes, I am angry. VERY angry. I'm hurt, shocked and fucking angry. I'm sick of crying over someone I considered a very close friend who is put off with me asking to spend time with friends. that is me asking too much of my friends. I feel alone and isolated, but I created that for myself and only communicate with people when I want something from them.
I'm still hurt, heartbroken and angry. I still, as much as it KILLS me to admit it, have tears. That email was one of the most hurtful things I have read in a very very long time. And it not something I think I can get over. And that sucks. Because this was someone I really considered a great friend who I loved. And she just hurt me with a dagger to my soul.
Chemo is so draining and exhausting. The fatigue is overwhelming for me sometimes. I'm foggy and fuzzy and it is SO frustrating. My hair is gone and so is my period. My emotions are like PMS on steroids. I go from angry to tears in moments, like right now with tears streaming down my face.
I hate that my life has changed so much. I hate that I have now lost a friend who I would have done anything for. I loved and trusted her so much. And because of that, she had the power to hurt me this much.
Maybe it is me. Maybe asking to hang out with friends is demanding or too much to ask of people. Maybe I'm wrong for not understanding any of it. I don't know.
All I know is that tomorrow is a new day and the start of a new week. I need the fresh start. And I need to focus on everything positive that I DO have in my life that isn't going anywhere. I just hope I can sleep tonight.
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