Two Days

So far so good.  This weekend, being snowed in, has gone okay. 

Friday morning we went to my follow up appointment with the plastic surgeon for a "fill".  I'm pretty sure I'm bigger now than I was pre-surgery, but I still have a little swelling so its hard to tell.  The day of the fill and for a few days I'm a little sore.  The muscles and skin are pulled with another 60cc's of saline added to each side.  (last time was 50cc's but I'm not sure how much was originally put in at surgery.)

I did have a slight meltdown on Friday in the middle of the day after we were home but after I talked to Jim, I think he understood where I was at.  We hung out for HOURS after that.  The satellite went out and we switched the flat screen over to the computer.  I am not even sure how many episodes of "Catfishing" we watched in a row.  It was just really nice to lay on the sofa and hang out with him all day.  We haven't done that in a REALLY long time and it was nice. 

Seems like we did that again yesterday.  We couldn't open the front screen door because of the snow drifts up against it.  Jim started shoveling out the back door with Rocco following him and he made a path up to the front of the house.  Then he did part of the sidewalk in front of our house, up towards the driveway.  I went outside around then, cleaned off my car and kicked the snow out from under the tires. 

Rocco was having a BLAST playing in the snow, running all over the yard.  It was so funny when I'd toss a snowball towards him and it ended up in a snowbank.  He couldn't figure out where it went!  :)

Jim went out again last night to finish up the sidewalk and then the edge of the driveway too.  This morning he was PISSED that the plow pushed in everything he did on the sidewalk and blocked about 2 feet wide at the edge of the driveway!  My car is not going anywhere right now.  Oh well.

Last night we were hanging out again on the sofa.  We just made mac and cheese for dinner and had on reality TV for a while.... Flipping Vegas & Hording.  WOW!  But Flipping Vegas was fun.  It was just nice again to lay there and be lazy, just hanging out relaxing at home with Jim.  I needed that. 

He kept my mind off of things and kept me occupied so I wasn't thinking about things.  About this week.  About Tuesday.  Jim's working now, since he didn't on Friday or Saturday and has been for a few hours.  I've been trying to keep my mind off of things, but it isn't easy.  The bathroom is cleaned.  Laundry is half done.  A small table is on the landing with hand sanitizer.  The plastic recycling is downstairs in the bin. I can't really do a whole lot more of the cleaning myself.  Hard to move around still.  (shouldn't really have done the laundry either, but I knew it needed to get done). 

Now I'm done.  Now I can't distract myself anymore. 

I'm trying to break things down into smaller pieces.  First is Tuesday.  My blanket from Jen is in the laundry now and I'm bringing that with me, along with a couple of bottles of my Powerade and maybe a few snacks I like.  And I think I'm going to bring my laptop too.  I'll need a few things to occupy my time while I'm there.  Plus my protein shakes, Greek yogurt, Jim's yogurt and his lunch too. 

Right now, just thinking of what I'm bringing and what I need to do that day.  I still need to go to CVS and pick up the prescriptions from my doctor to have when I get home from chemo.  That's on today's to do list.  Then I need to start getting my chemo day bag ready to go too. 

On Tuesday, we have to be there for 9am.  I'll meet with a nurse to do my blood and the nurse can put in my IV at the same time so I'll only (HOPEFULLY!) have to be poked once.  They will run all of my blood work and then I'll meet with my medical oncologist after she reviews the results.  That will allow them to know what amounts of everything they will need to give me. 

Then I'll head over for chemo.  First I will get all the prep drugs, like anti-nausea and things like that, just to get my body better able to handle the strong drugs I'll be getting.  When that is done, they will start with Adriamycin and the nurse will sit with me during that one as it gets pushed through.  That should take about 15 minutes.

Next they will hook up the Cytoxan which is slower.  That will take a couple of hours to go in through the IV.  I was told that they will go slow with everything to see how my body reacts to it all, since this is the first treatment.  But I have to let the nurses know as SOON as I start feeling sick.  Its easier to manage the earlier you start to manage it. 

During chemo and that night, DRINK FLUIDS.  I need to flush my system as much as I can and push the chemo through me.  The more I can drink the better... which is why I'm bringing my powerade with me to chemo.  I typically go through 2 to 3 of the 32 ounce bottles a day, pushing to be closer to 3.  I'm just trying to prep myself for it.

Another way I've been prepping is by eating extra protein now.  Because I am estrogen positive, I can't eat any soy.  Soy is recognized in the body as estrogen.  Protein bars are typically made from soy based protein.  I CAN eat whey protein, like the whey powder in shakes.  My Atkin's protein shakes which taste like chocolate milk are from whey protein, so that's pretty easy.  Plus, those are 15 grams of protein. 

Protein will help me during chemo.  The nutritionist told me to aim for 77 grams of protein per day!  That's a lot of friggin protein.  But the Atkins shakes are 15 grams and the Greek yogurt I eat is 14 grams of protein (regular yogurt is about 6 grams).  My morning snake today was an Atkins shake with a Greek yogurt... nice and easy 29 grams right there.

After quickly checking the Dunkin website, my large hot Dark Chocolate Mocha Latte with Skim Milk, granted it has 360 calories, but its another 14 grams of protein.  So 43 with a yogurt and 2 drinks?  Not too bad. 

It was originally hard to figure it all out, but now I wing it.  3 ounces of chicken, which is about the size of a deck of cards, is 27 grams.  I'm not really supposed to have steak or processed meats like sausages.  But cheese is good, which is great, cuz I love cheese!  The easier the better to get it in. 

Otherwise... that's all I can do right now.  Prepare for what I have to bring with me on Tuesday and know what to expect from that day.  I have no idea how I'm going to feel, if I will have side effects (most likely), when they will start, how strong they will be, and how long they will last.  It varies person to person.  That's the hard part! 

My goal is to write it all down.  Keep a log of how I'm feeling and when, so I know what to expect next time.  If I feel like crap or get sick, I'll know when that will be expected to start. 

I can't do anything else other than that right now.  I'm doing my best to not think about the side effects but to be prepared for them.  And I'm trying really really hard to not think about my hair. 

That's still HARD. 

I was cold last night and pulled out a hoodie I haven't worn in a while.  It was one of those, wear for maybe an hour then toss back on the hook until next time you need it.  Well I guess it was before New Years the last time I wore it.  I found a long blond hair stuck on it.  That sucked.  I still miss my hair.  I really miss having hair. 

Weird, cuz I had a dream the other night that I had my hair, my long hair. 

I just miss it.  It was so much of my identity for so long.  So many times when I got my hair cut the stylist told me that I should be a hair model and how beautiful my hair was.  I have the ponytail in a bag on a shelf in my closet.  I haven't touched it since the day I put it in there.  I can't. 

I feel so different now.  Like I'm a different person.  There was the me bc (before cancer) and the me now.  Almost like it is two different lives.  Bc was so different. My priorities were completely different.  If I started to get a little congested, it was an annoyance.  Now?  It scares the shit out of me! 

Bc, I just hated crowds in general.  I didn't love the mall and liked going to the movies on Sunday nights instead of Saturday nights because I just don't like crowds.  Now?  I have to avoid crowds.  People who are sick still go to the mall and the movies, crowded or not.  They still go out to eat an0d they are still out and about in public.  I can't be around sick people anymore.  I can't be exposed to that. 

Thinking of getting congested, getting a cold or exposed to whatever?  It isn't an annoyance that I could easily overcome by just resting, taking it easy and getting extra sleep like bc.  Getting a cold now?  It could potentially kill me.  I'll have a completely compromised immune system.  That's just scary. 

And Bc... I never friggin thought about this crap!  Why would I?  Yeah, I was a germ-a-phobe.  I hate public bathrooms, and the few times I do go its layers and layers of tp to line the seat I squat over (just in case!) and opening the door is with a paper towel I then toss out as I'm walking out.  I HATE touching door handles.  I would even pause before taking a pen to sign my name when using plastic!  Who knows how many dirty nasty hands have been all over that pen?  And that was bc!

Now?  I have a table on a landing on the stairs with hand sanitizer.  I have small wipes to keep in my purse along with small bottles of sanitizer.  I can use them when I'm out anywhere.  If I do go to a restaurant, I can wipe down where I'm sitting with the wipes.  How sad is that?  And that's a big IF, if I ever go out to a restaurant! 

I miss my old life bc.  I miss being at kickboxing a few times a week, beating the hell out of the bag.  I miss being able to do things for myself... like getting the 25 pound box of kitty litter out of the back of my car or even being able to help Jim shovel from the storm.  I miss feeling useful and productive and being comfortable with my body. 

That's another thing!  When you hear someone has cancer... what's the image of that person that comes into your mind?  Honestly... think for a second.  A person has cancer, what do you?  What does that person look like?  Male or female?  How old?  Hair?  Overweight or skinny? 

I know for me, the image was an older male, maybe 60's, very short thin hair.  He's pale, tale and VERY skinny.  Pretty much every opposite of me. 

But the skinny part?  HA HA.  Isn't that the stereotype?  People lose weight with cancer? 

I have gained 10 pounds!  TEN POUNDS!  Since October!  WTF is that?  10 f'ing pounds on someone who is 5'2"?  Really?  NO THANK YOU! 

Not only gaining weight, but I have lost muscle.  I haven't worked out since September.  I had surgery on my wrist in September and couldn't.  Then I started fertility preservation and couldn't even do yoga with that.  The last retrieval was on a Friday and my surgery was the following Tuesday!  It SUCKS! 

So I don't feel like me with my hair.  I don't love having short hair and don't feel good about it.  I have 3-4 inch scars across each nipple-less breast.  I lost all my muscle tone and gained another 10 pounds of fat on top of it.  My BIG jeans feel snug.  I feel like a blob.  I just don't feel good about myself AT ALL!  I hate losing confidence in myself.  HATE it.  It just sucks. 

But I'm trying to NOT focus on all of that... SO much easier said than done.  I still miss me bc.  But I need to just accept that she's gone.  I really am a different person now.  I have different concerns and priorities now.  I think about different things now.  My relationships are different now.  My whole life is different now. 

I guess that's about it.  Trying to stay as focused and as positive as I can.  Hard but baby steps for me right now is a win.  Its all I can do. 

OH YEAH! 

Hmm... So Friday we did get mail as the storm was starting.  I didn't check it until that night and it was pretty covered, but that was okay.  I saw a few cards come for me, plus a couple of boxes.  One box I started with first.  It was most of the wig care accessories that I had ordered, including the wig stand and wig brush. 

That got me side tracked for a bit.  I tried on all of the wigs I bought, brushed them a bit and showed Jim each for his opinion.  (he liked one the best, which is the same one I had already liked the best, so I guess that one is the winner).

It was a while before I got to the cards.  The cards I get from everyone just mean SO much to me and I appreciate them all so much.  Opening one of these cards was a little different. 

I read the front of the card, then opened it.  A check fell out.  She wrote that she has been reading my blog and how her thoughts are with me.  She sent me the check to help, for me to use it towards a co-pay or prescription for what I'm getting before I start chemo. 

Jim was standing on the other side of the island in the kitchen, cooking dinner, as I was reading this card.  He asked me what was wrong when he saw my eyes fill up with tears.  All I could say was, "a check" as I held it up.  He wanted to know who it was from. 

When I told Jim her name, how I knew her and that I might have seen her once in the past 20 years, all he could say was "Wow". 

Even now.... looking at that card, that's all I can say too.  Wow. 


So now, as I am trying to get ready to start chemo and prepare myself for the next step in this journey, I'm trying to focus on things like this, like this card and this unbelievable touching act of kindness that brought tears to my eyes. 

I've always wanted to be the kind of person who could make a difference in the world.  I wanted to believe that I was a good person, even when I would say that I was a bitch.  I really have always wanted to help people and to just leave my little stamp on the world, doing something that makes a ripple to make it a better place than it would have been without me. 

When I see a car accident, if its safe and no one has stopped, I stop (not even sure how many times that has happened, but at least 5 or 6 off the top of my head).   I've stopped in the mall more than once when I saw a crying child alone.  I've (possibly stupid choice here) jumped in the middle of more than 1 fight, not being able to stop myself.  I couldn't live with myself if something happened and all I did was just stand there.  I've waited at a bar trying to flag down a busy bartender for giving me $20 too much in change. 

I have always wanted to live a life that I could look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed of who I see looking back.  I didn't want to cheat or take advantage of people.  I want to earn my keep, work hard for what I have, believe in what I am doing and make a difference somehow.

Maybe that's how I started with being a fitness trainer.  I LOVE seeing the couch to 5K runners succeed!  I love the look of pride and accomplishment on each person's face when they are able to do something that they didn't think possible.  Sometimes I think I get more excited than they do themselves! 

As much as this is who I have tried to be, its hard to believe and trust that you really do have people beside, supporting you.  It's hard to imagine who would be around, push come to shove.

Think for a moment... if you had something really serious come up in your life (even think cancer if it helps), who would be there?  Who would you hear from?  Who would show you support? 

Would you expect to hear from people you haven't seen or spoken to in 15-20 years?  Would you expect to have your fridge and freezer filled with food from friends making you meals?  Would you expect to have so many packages and cards delivered that the mailman actually says, "I never had a lot of mail to deliver to this house until you moved here."

The support I have received from places I never could have imagined has been incredible.  It has been absolutely overwhelming.  The cards, emails, text and facebook messages... just the outpouring of support from everywhere! 

I know I'm lucky to have all of this.  I know how lucky I am to have so many people around me, cheering for me.  That's what I am focusing on and that is what is getting me through this next step. 

As much as I have wanted to be a good person and do the right thing in life, I'm still not sure how I am so lucky to have this many people around me, supporting me.  It says more about all of you, who all of YOU are than it does about me.  For people to just reach out to me like this?  That's not about me.  That says that YOU are all incredible people for doing this.

YOU are all doing what I wanted to do in my life. YOU are making a difference and causing a ripple.  Your support and encouragement and kind words are getting me through this and helping me to focus on the positives.  YOU are making a HUGE difference in my life.  This speaks volumes about who you are as a person. 

And for that, thank you.  Thank you for being a wonderful, incredible, positive and supportive person in my life!  Thank you!

Maybe it does say something about me.  It says that all through the years, whether new or old friends, close by or far away, even if separated by distance, time or life... I know a skill I have had for a very long time. 

I know how to recognize good people. 

Thank you!  And thank you for being part of my journey and helping me get through this.