Day 1 done.

Way too freaking tired to write much.  I can barely hold my head up.  Thank God for the recliner. 

We got a new and better thermometer.  I felt like I was warm.  I was 98.1 and that was an hour ago.  Just did it again cuz I really feel warm  97.6.  Um, okay.  Lost half a degree in an hour and to me I feel warmer?  I'm sweating!  Laying on the sofa! 

And just freakin EXHAUSTED.  Completely drained.  I ate some pretzels in case I started to get any nausea and I have the meds I need to start tonight. 

Other than the IV needing to be done THREE FUCKING TIMES, today went okay.  I just don't do well with needles!  :( 

And this nurse, who did all 3 IV pokes, said she thinks I should have a port.  I don't want a port. I don't want it and I really do not want to do it.  To the point, I think I would refuse to have it done.  The insert it under the skin in a day surgery, then blood draws and all chemo treatments are done through that.  No more needles.

Why don't I want a port? 

One, since September 27th I have been under anesthesia 4 times.  I will need another surgery late summer, early fall to swap out the expanders for the implants.  That's another one, making it FIVE TIMES IN A YEAR!  Anesthesia isn't wonderful to have that much and has risks.  Do I really want to CHOOSE to have 7 in a year instead of 5?  Um, NO!

Second reason?
The nurse said its only a 2 inch scar on the top of your chest.  Kind of along where a wife beater tank top is.  Its only a 2 inch scar.  Okay... do I want to add a 2 inch scar to the two 4 inch scars I already have?  Um, NO!

Third reason? 
I HATE needles, and anything medical.  I freaked out with the nurses cleaning my original incisions.  Right now I have something similar as a port in each expander.  That's what the plastic surgeon puts the syringe into when I have the saline added to fill and expand the tissue.  I can't put any pressure against them now and both are a little bruised already.  I can feel them under my skin and they freak me out. 

Forth reason?  When I go for chemo, the find a vein and inject everything through that.  Then when I'm done, they take it out and I go home.  I'm not taking that part with me.  If I have a port, I'll have it with ALL the time until after I'm done.  Looking down, another reminder of everything I'm going through. 

Another reminder, another thing to freak me out, another scar, and 2 more surgeries? 

HELL FUCKING NO!  ALL SET.  She can find a damn vein somewhere.  2 other nurses said how great my veins were.  And this one disagrees.  Why don't I get another nurse who can put the IV in better.  I said wait and see but I am very against doing it and I really really do NOT want to do it. 

And not only do I really really do NOT want to do it....

With everything going on that is taking complete control from me over everything in my life... I'm keeping the control on this.  They need my consent for this.  I'm not going to give it.  I'm not doing it.  I WILL flat out refuse.  Too much.  NOT doing it.  EVER.  Period. End of fucking story on the port!

Otherwise, on a slightly better note... today was okay.  Christine popped by from the hospital next door on her break to say hi.  Jim of course was amazing with me all day, giving me his hand each time I needed a new needle and when the IV was taken out each time too.  (for my Popsical Posse, this may pose an issue for those who are not super strong cuz nurses who have stepped in have said I have a very strong grip!  Just a warning.  That's my biggest fear! I squeeze hard!)

The only side effect I have had so far is the exhaustion.   Then a slight belly ache.  Nothing too bad there.  But I'm not really moving much. 

The setup of the place is good.  The nurses in general are great. My main nurse, Ashley is wonderful and SO sweet (she's not the one who did the IV 3 times!).  I'll have Ashley each time too. 

They have a fridge full of stuff from soda, water, milk, juice, yogurt and in the freezer Popsicles and ice cream.  They have coffee, snacks, muffins, bagels, and at lunch they bring up sandwiches.  All for patients and families.  Each "room" has the main recliner which I was in, Jim was in a funky padded rocker, then one more chair.  We had a table on wheels, a mounted flat screen TV and free Wi-Fi.

I still brought quite a bit to stay comfy today.  Jen's blanket, a hoodie (didn't need it), my notebook, magazine, calendar, laptop, chargers for that and my phone.  Plus, we brought a cooler.  My powerades, protein shakes, other snacks, Jim's yogurt and I'm not sure what else!  We were good to go! 

Here's a pic of me towards the end of the day... after the anxiety meds were kicked in full force.  I swear I look high in the picture!  But all snuggled under Jen's blanket!  About to drink another protein drink. 

Good thoughts until the next treatment. 

Okay... how high was I at the hospital???  I just went to add the picture of me from there and it was already loaded here.  Hmm... So I read the actual blog.  Had to start reading it to remember that I did actually write today while I was there!  Damn!!!
Yup, I was high!!