Thank You

Last week was rough.  The whole week.  I'm trying to focus on as many positive things as I can, but sometimes that is easier said than done. 

My mom got the genetic testing results back this week.  She's negative.  So that means that I got the gene from my dad.  I emailed his brothers and my brother again, to let them all know.  Men who are BRCA-2 positive have a 20% increased risk of prostate cancer plus there is a 50% chance that each child will have the gene.  My uncle Jim has 4 kids, one daughter. 

Although I know its on my dad's side, I don't know if it is my grandmother's or grandfather's side.  A couple of people on my grandmother's side have been tested and tested negative.  But that doesn't rule out that it didn't come from that side.  There is more cancer history on my grandmother's side than on my grandfather's side.  I just don't know. 

All I can do is pass the info along.  Any family or cousin's who want to be tested, you would need to have my results for a single site analysis.  This would basically give a map to your gene sequencing to find the exact location of the mutation to see if you test positive or negative.  It is much less expensive than a full test which I originally had done and it is much more likely for your insurance to cover a single site analysis, especially the further the distance we are related. 

Chemo starts up in 9 days.  A week from Tuesday.  I am not looking forward to it. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to look sick.  Chemo will do both.  Wonderful.  Toss in losing my hair.  I'm having Jim shave my head on Saturday the 23rd, before it falls out.  Hopefully before it falls out. 

Friday night was fun out with the girls.  I didn't get to talk to too many of them with the show on and how the table was set up.  But it was still nice to see everyone and nice to get out.  I was exhausted by the end of the night and ready to go home. 

It caught up with me yesterday.  I was EXHAUSTED.  I took a 3 hour nap!  Friday night I think I slept about 7 or 8 hours, then took the nap and didn't leave the house once.  I didn't even check the mail yesterday!  And last night I was in bed at 11 and woke up around 8.  Damn!  I knew being out on Friday night would take a lot out of me, but I never imagined it would hit me that hard. 

That's still the one thing that I'm not used to.  How absolutely tired I am all the time.  I have no energy.  Leaving the house for a while just knocks me out.  Having a lot of activity is enough to drain me.  But I get bored from doing nothing.  Its a weird thing.  I need to do something, but doing things completely exhausts me. 

I'm still so grateful for all the support I have been getting from everyone.  Last week all the cards and messages meant even more to me.  I had a really bad week and just hearing from people made a really big difference.

When I'm like that, down as much as I was last week, I pull back from people.  I become really anti-social.  It was hard for me to go out on Friday night with my friends because of that.  And I stop answering the phone, just turn the ringer off, and don't respond to anything.

But that doesn't mean I don't read everything.  I read all texts, facebook messages and emails.  I love getting all the cards too.  Just hearing from people makes such an incredible difference for me.  Knowing that people are thinking of me means so much.  Especially when I'm that down. 

Last week I was that down. 

I'm afraid I'm going to be down the whole month of February too.  Right now its the anticipation of chemo starting in 9 days.  I am counting down.  I hate that.  Then I'll have the first chemo treatment.  And then I'll get the side effects.  That sucks.  And on the 23rd.... I'll shave my head so I don't see my hair falling out in pieces. 

All of that is going to be really difficult to handle.  The whole month.  I'm honestly scared.  I don't know how I will be emotionally.  I hate the unknown.  I don't know how I will be with chemo.  I know AC-T is hard.  I know the side effects are rough.  I know I will be even more tired during chemo that I have been recovering from surgery.  

I'm still trying to focus on anything positive that I can.  Little things.  I will never ever again have another mammogram for the rest of my life.  All the breast tissue is gone. I won't need the squish the boob test which being smaller sized, I could feel in my CHIN.  I won't need to do that ever again. 

I won't have to buy shampoo, conditioner,hair spray, hair color, styling gel, razors, or shaving lotion at least until June.  One I start dose dense chemo, doing it every 14 days, I won't have any hair growing until I'm done.  If I stay on schedule and don't need to miss any treatments, my last treatment will be on Tuesday, May 21st. 

What else is a positive?  Well, I've learned how many people I have in my corner.  I've learned the incredible amount of support I have around me.  How kind people can be.  It doesn't matter the distance or time that has past, support has been from everywhere.  I know how lucky I am for that.  People I have not seen or talked to in 20 years have been sending me messages of support and encouragement.  That has been incredible. 

I bought the Chicken Soup for the Soul book on breast cancer (I still REFUSE to give cancer a capital "C".  It will not get the mark of importance from me.).  One of the first stories I read was called, "You'll Never Feel So Loved".  It starts like this:

"A few days after hearing the devastating news that the shadow on the mammogram was indeed cancer, I received a call I'll never forget from an aunt who was a breast cancer survivor.  The only part of the conversation I remember was one simple line: "You'll never feel so loved." At the time I had no clue what that could mean, but I thanked her for calling and began the journey that every cancer patient goes through."

She then goes through the incredible support she received from her family and friends.  "The love was manifested in so many ways; cards, calls, prayers, meals and sometimes just one little sentence would carry me through a difficult day." 

"As I look back, I have experienced what my aunt meant when she said, "You'll never feel so loved."  In great part because of this love I am a cancer survivor.  Yes, the treatments and advice of wonderful doctors and the prayers of many helped saved my life, but I also believe that if the soul is being fed, the body will heal."

I can not only agree with this short story, but I understand it completely.  I have never felt so loved.  I feel the love and support of so many people all around me.  I know I have prayers and support being sent my way.  And some days, it is just one kind word or message that gets me through it all. 

So as scared as I am, as afraid of chemo as I am, as terrified of February as I am, I know that with the continued support from all of you, I will get through this.  I will make it through February, then March, then April, then May. And then I will see June where chemo will be done. 

With your support I will make it through this next step.  One step at a time.  Surgery done.  Chemo about to start.  Radiation will most likely be next, starting in July.  Then another surgery, probably in September or October for swapping out the expanders for the implants, with 2 other procedures needed hopefully within the next 6 months after that to finish up the reconstruction.  This will be a LONG process. 

With radiation now most likely being tossed into the mix, when I thought would be my "Done" date of next January, will now most likely be next April. 

BUT, again, I will get through it. 14 months.  I can do that. 

With your help, your support, encouragement and love. 

Thank you!