Tired of being Tired

Been a week. 

I'm so tired all the time.  I sleep 12+ hours every day and I'm still tired.  Not fun.  I slept over 8 hours last night, then napped today for 1 1/2 hours so far.  I'm sure I'll nap again later but I have to get back to Dana Farber for my shot.

The normal range for White Blood Count is 3.9-11.  I've been pretty consistent at 12-13 for my first 4 chemo treatments.  I switched to Taxol for #5.  She wanted me to keep the shot for that one too.  Then I went for #6 which was 2 weeks ago.  My WBC was at 22 or 23 so she said no shot, but did expect my #'s to drop a bit.

Yesterday for the blood work?  I was 4.7. Still considered within the normal range and okay to continue with chemo (if I was 3 or lower most likely I would have had to skip chemo yesterday.)

SO, today I am going back for the shot. 

I told my oncologist how freakin tired I have been.  I thought it was just fatigue that was part of this chemo crap.  She called the lab and had them add a few additional tests for my labs.  B12, Iron, Thyroid and a few others.  I knew my B12 would be fine, I've been taking B Complex daily. 

Iron and Thyroid were low, per my nurse, but I didn't get the results until after 4:30 when I was leaving after chemo.  My oncologist was still in the building, not in her office and my nurse didn't know where she was.  SO hopefully today I'll find out more about those results.  Am I anemic now?  JOY!  But that could explain the absolute exhaustion I have had for WEEKS now. 

It is frustrating to sleep all the time and still be tired.  I'm just tired of being tired!  I have to plan around my naps.  And even then, a long day knocks me out.  Between a family party on Sunday then chemo yesterday?  I can barely keep my eyes open right now... after almost 10 hours of sleep?  That's not good!!! 

But that's where things are at with that.

13 days until my last chemo treatment.  This part will then be done.  Then its on to the next in the journey. 

Doing PT now for the month of May.  Working on range of motion on my right arm and also trying to prevent lymphedema as well, which I think I have a slight amount of.  And this is something I will be at risk for basically for the rest of my life.  Radiation will also be a risk for it as well and increase the chances of it getting worse.  So hopefully doing PT now in May, before radiation starts mid June will help minimize any effects.

So many things have been on my mind lately.  So many changes in my life.  I never thought I would be here. 

I've never been good with a 5 year plan.  Life changes so easily.  Best I could ever do was about 12 months out for goals.  Now?  I'm at August.  That's it.  Finish radiation.  That's all I got. 

Then what?  Work?  What am I going to do for the rest of my life?  What's my purpose? 

So many relationships have changed in my life.  People from my past have come back and those relationships mean so much to me now.  I'm lucky for them. 

Some "newer" friends I have only known for the past couple of years have been incredible to me.  I cherish all of the support I have gotten. 

Some people I thought were the close, real friends?  Not so much.  Some friendships have ended. 

I've changed so much during all of this.  I'm not the same person I was on October 1st, before I found the lump.  She doesn't exist anymore.  Parts are still there, but overall I'm just not the same person. 

I'm still struggling to figure out who I am now.  What do I want with my life?  Where do I want to go from here?  Who am I now? 

Sometimes, like now, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life.  I'm tired, so I sleep all the time.  I miss so many of the exercise classes I was going to go to... I sleep through them.  Funny sometimes, I feel like I'm in high school again.  Weekends, I didn't see the am.  Life for me didn't start until after 12 noon.  Yup, that's about it now.  I might get up but I can't really start to function well, at least on a regular basis, until after 12.  Even then, that's pushing it sometimes!  And it doesn't last for long!

I was up with Jim today around 6:30am.  When he left, I somehow had a burst of energy.  I was going, with laundry, dishes, cleaning up in the living room, catching up on email, my budget for the month (SO sad!), what I have to do today and for the week, and getting as organized as I can.  Then I started to slow down around 10 and I was back to sleep just after 10:30.  I woke up around 12:15. 

That's been my life. 

Now what?  What do I do next?  Where do I go from here?  If I have changed as much as I have, and most of my relationships have changed at least a little bit, what is next?  Who do I become?  What else is going to change?  Where do I go now?  What do I do with the rest of my life?   What is my passion and who do I want to be?

I have no idea! 

I feel like I'm just drifting along, going through the motions.  I have no motivation for anything at all anymore.  I've lost energy and excitement for things.   Let me sleep and I'm good.  I'll hang out with my cats and play with them.  Rocco can fall asleep using my leg as his pillow and I like that. 

Now I even need to remind myself to eat.  I have coffee and cereal early, but I think that is more habit than anything else.  That was before Jim left at 7am today.  I haven't eaten anything since.  I'm just not hungry.  I know I should eat.  I tried.  I looked in the fridge.  Nothing interesting that I wanted.  I'd rather just nap again. 

But now I need to start getting ready so I can head over to Dana Farber for my shot.  I need to ask about getting the gauntlet for my hand, in addition to the sleeve I already had for my right arm to prevent lymphedema.  And I'm bringing in a bunch of old magazines that I was going to recycle so they can keep them around there.  I think that's it. 

And I need to get up now, before I fall back to sleep and miss my appointment for this shot!