Without him next to me in bed at night, I have a really hard time falling asleep! So I pulled out my phone for a while and went through some emails and checked facebook.
While I was scrolling through facebook, I started reading a story on the "Breast Cancer Awareness" facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/BreastCancerAwareness If you look it up, it was posted yesterday, Monday, May 27th at 10pm.
After I started reading it, I thought, "hey, this sounds familiar." I scrolled a little further down on facebook and then I saw my picture.
OH yeah! I wrote on the "My Story" section on TheBreastCancerSite.com. So I clicked on that for the full story I wrote. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/bcs/story/new-normal168?origin=BCS_FACE_BCAWARE_ADGROUP_STORY_NewNormal_052713_CTG
Just weird to see my face and my words on that page.
Then I went back to the BreastCancerAwareness Facebook page. I started reading the comments that people from all over wrote after reading my story. WOW! Talk about support!
This morning I went back on to their page. As of right now 20 people (including me!) shared this story on their facebook pages. 63 people have left comments after reading it. And right now... 1,199 people have "liked" it. WOW. Just blows me away.
My only hope is that some day, some how, some way.. MAYBE what I have gone through will give another woman who has to go through this a little tiny bit of help on her own journey. Maybe she won't feel so alone. Maybe something I say will help her. Maybe. Maybe I won't be going through this just so I have to go through this. Maybe something greater will come out of it. Maybe.
So, like I said, I was having a really really hard time falling asleep last night. At one point, Jim could hear me tossing around from the living room! He asked if I was okay. I told him I was WIDE awake and hadn't fallen asleep at all... this was close to 1:30am. Wonderful.
I got up to go to the bathroom, using the softer fan light in there. After I came out, and about when I was in front of the refrigerator, I heard something. Sounded like small animals running around. My cats are on the first floor of the house. This was coming from ABOVE me. Um, that would be the attic!
At first I thought I was crazy and hearing things, but no. Jim heard it too. And by small animals, I don't mean mice, I mean around the same size of my cats who are 13 & 17 pounds! Like raccoons or something in that awake at 1:30am, give or take 15 pounds size. JOY! AND I WAS HAVING TROUBLE FALLING ASLEEP BEFORE?????
The sound quickly stopped. I got the broom out and not sure what I thought it would do, but I starting banging the end on the ceiling, moving from room to room between all the rooms that are under the attic... kitchen, living room, bedroom and hallway. Nothing. No other sounds. Yup, wide awake.
I put on my flip flops and told Jim that even if he thought it was stupid, I need to go down and check on the cats. If something that big was in the attic, it was IN the house. Just because the cats were 2 floors down didn't mean anything to me. I needed to make sure they were safe.
When I got down there, they were all happy to see me and just wanted to play. After a few minutes of hanging with them (again, 1:30am!), I headed back upstairs. Still, no other attic sounds. But I was FREAKED OUT!
The wonderful closet that Jim built me... guess what's in there? The door to the friggin attic! And guess what is over the door? Two over the door clothes hooks. With one being HUGE and thick, it was impossible to close that door tightly. Nice, huh? Animals loose, running around the attic and the damn door is open from my friggin clothes hooks!
Right now, the big think one is on the bedroom door, dressing basically blocking the entry into the bedroom. A shelf I have in my closet now has the smaller hook sticking into the top shelf, with fleece type jackets blocking any movement in that closet it sticks out so far.
BUT THE ATTIC DOOR IS CLOSED TIGHT AND LOCKED!!
After we both went to bed again, me in bed and Jim on the sofa, my whole body was tense. Any sound at all, even distant traffic (and we live in a city!) would have my ears perk up a little bit more. Jim told me to just relax and go to sleep. HA HA HA! Easier said than done!
I was up in the attic yesterday too! I was looking for something in one of the little plastic bins that I have up there and I moved my old AC unit closer to the top of the stairs so its easier for Jim to get it down in the next day or 2 (going to hit 90 for a few days starting on Thursday. I NEED those AC's down and in the windows by then if I'm home all day!)
What is whatever was up there, was there when I was? What if it was just sleeping in a corner or something???? OMG! I would have screamed like a little girl! About a year ago, when I was getting a spoon out of the drawer in the morning for cereal and a 2 or 3 inch mouse crawled out along the edge of the drawer? HOLY SHIT! I jumped backwards, dropped the spoon, and SCREAMED! More like a crazy high pitched terrified screech! That was a 2-3 inch tiny mouse! If I saw something bigger in the attic? OH MY GOD! HELL NO!
So yeah, I'm freaked out still. NOT going back up in the attic alone EVER. I've been up there at night too! URGH! WTF!
So that was my night last night. Somehow I managed to fall asleep after all that and got up around 8:30 this morning. Jim has been working from home all morning, and then he'll put the tire back on his car and do all the work on the drivers side front wheel that needs to be done, so he can get his car re-inspected.
His car failed inspection in April. He had 60 days to get the work done and bring it back to be in-inspected. Basically, by Saturday. The dealership quoted him close to $3500 in work to have it pass. He said I don't think so and spent under $700 on the parts and tools he needed to do the work. Of course, he waited until this weekend to start it all! But all he has left is putting the passenger front tire back on, then doing all the work on the drivers side front tire (bushings? maybe?? something like that anyway!)
I'm hoping before he goes to work, he'll ease my mind by taking a walk up into the attic and making sure nothing is up there! Still make me shudder thinking if it came down while I was sleeping across the hall from my closet with the attic door!!
I was popping Vicodin all weekend with the neuropathy pain more intense than it has ever been. Shooting through my legs and hands. NOT fun. Plus I was just SO tired. This fatigue is NUTS!
I did find a tiny burst of energy yesterday and took Rocco for another 30 minute walk in the cemetery across the street. We have a nice little loop that we do, then we head out the other side and walk around the block, outside of the cemetery to get back home. He's getting better with me on the leash and for walks with each one. My goal is to try to do 3-4 walks with him each week. I'd love to do one every day, but I'm trying to be more realistic. I know that won't happen. I know some days I just won't have the energy. But I love it when I ask him if he wants to go for a walk and he runs over to the front closet doorknob where his leash is hanging. He gets SO excited for it!
Lately, he's been SO good walking with me. No more pulling on the leash at all. Even when we see a squirrel, all I have to do is give a little dug on the leash and say "come on" and he'll start walking with me again. Its nice to have him with me like that. He's such a good boy!
This week, I don't have too much going on. Today I don't have any appointments. IF I have any energy tonight, I might go to a fitness class for people going through cancer treatments. But, the guy isn't exactly local. Depending on traffic, it could take me close to 45 minutes to get there. But, its a free class and I really do want to meet the people there. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, the only appointments that I have are for physical therapy for my arm... range of motion and lymphedema issues.
Next week on Monday I will see the radiation oncologist. I should find out more then about when exactly I'll be starting radiation. I hope I don't need to get tattoos but I'm prepping myself for it. They tattoo people for radiation treatment. Since each treatment is pretty quick, faster than it will take to undress and then dress again, all they have to do is line up the machine for the exact locations that the radiation needs to go. By putting small tattoo dots on those areas, they can quickly and more easily line up the machine for each treatment
I just don't want that reminder to stay with me forever. I don't want that on my body forever. We'll see. But like I said, prepping myself that it will be happening on Monday.
Tuesday I'll see the plastic surgeon again. She'll make any adjustments to my expanders then to be more ready for radiation. I have a feeling she will fill my right side again, so get it even more expanded before radiation starts. She wants the skin to expand now as much as possible. After I go through radiation, the treatment may leave some of my skin damaged, making reconstruction more difficult. The skin won't be as elastic as before.
She wants to expand it now, prepping for the damage that might come. Six months after radiation is done (and damage has settled) she'll swap out the expanders for implants. If I'm over extended now, bigger than I ultimately want to end up, she'll have more room and skin available to deal with any damaged skin I might have.
I have a feeling I'll be "inflated" this time on my right side. Then I think I'll have one more appointment, right before radiation starts. She'll "deflate" at least my left side at that point, depending on what the radiation oncologist tells me (again, why I think I'll have tattoos done on Monday). The plastic surgeon will need to know where specifically I'll be getting radiation and the lines that will be used to get there. Will my left boob be in the way? Is it too big now to have the radiation pass over it to where it needs to hit on my right? If so, the left will need to be "deflated" so the radiation can pass over where it needs to go to get to my right side. Wonderful.
Just in time for summer and bathing suit season, I finally have bigger boobs and they will be insanely lopsided! I do understand no one is symmetric from one side to the other. But at my last appointment she already added 60 cc's of saline into JUST my right side. They are already uneven. If she's going to add MORE to right and take out some from my left? HELLO
I guess from looking right at me, unless you're looking for it (at least what Jim says but I know he really would be honest with me.. TOO honest!), they don't look uneven. But for me? Well, I'm sitting on the recliner in the living room right now. Wearing a tank top and bra, looking straight down with my phone pretty much where my eyes would be looking down, they are uneven. Right is bigger. I guess, 60 cc's bigger! So... here's a picture of looking down at the girls.
.JPG)
Now remember... I am LAYING down. ie. NO GRAVITY applies anymore for me, they stand up at attention even when I'm laying down, on the recliner, under a blanket.
And when I look down, this is what I see, the right side is bigger. 60 cc's bigger! And I can feel the difference too. There is more room in the expander on the left side. Squishier I guess. The right is more firm and has less give.
Anyway.. here's to everyone having a good short week and the last few days of May!
No comments:
Post a Comment