So Tired!

I'm super happy to be done with chemo but I'm looking forward to when I'm done with chemo side effects.  Last night I think I slept 9 hours and today I took a few 1-2 hour naps during the day.  All I do is sleep!

Lately it seems that mid-day I get a small energy burst, which is great.  Today I took advantage of it and took Rocco for a walk.  It was misting out but that was okay.  I was exhausted when we got back after just 30 minutes, but it felt good to do SOMETHING today. 

When we got back, I hopped in the shower and since then I have been on the sofa, dozing on and off.  I've been taking my stronger dosage of Vicodin every 4 hours for the pain in my legs.  Today was pretty intense, but at least Vicodin makes a LITTLE bit of a dent so it isn't full strength pain.  Before I was taking meds, it was hard to walk.  That isn't fun. 

I was hoping that by trying to get in a little exercise, I would have more energy.  Not so much right now.  I barely had the energy to turn on my laptop today!  I sent a few text messages out but forget talking on the phone.  I just can't do it.  Too exhausting.  Pretty sad, but that's what it is right now. 

Jim has continued to be amazing.  I slept wrapped up in his arms last night.  Today he made me a salad for lunch after he got back from food shopping.  He's been doing work downstairs all afternoon, which is good for him.  I try to give him a break and space so he has his own time to do things away from and without me.  But tonight, he'll be making me dinner too.  Not sure how I got this lucky with him in my life, but I did! 

He's funny sometimes, saying he's a jerk.  I have to remind him that a jerk wouldn't have been by my side for the past 8 months.  He can try for the tough-guy image with all of his tattoos and all that, but I know the truth!  He's a good guy.  He would KILL me for saying that and completely blowing the image, but its true.  :)  He's just a really good guy.  And I know how lucky I am to have him in my life. 

Over the past 8 months, I have learned so much.  Hearing that you have cancer changes perspectives a bit.  Things that were once important no longer matter and what I didn't think about, is all that matters.  Values and relationships have changed as well.

Throughout this whole journey, my emotions have been all over the place.  Anger is common.  I am, its cancer... yeah, get angry!  You have reason!  The highs seem to be higher and the lows are lower.  Each experience is deeper and more intense. 

I have been sensitive to everything, especially on bad days.  I can't handle intense conversations and refuse to watch violent movies.  If the movie has that pit in your stomach... I won't see it.  I have to control the influences I allow around me, more importantly the stress I have around me.  And movies can be stressful. 

Last night I walked away from Jim when he started to talk about politics.  HELL NO!  I refuse to have a conversation about politics.  Agree to disagree and leave it at that.  In other words, DO NOT DISCUSS.  I just can't deal with it when I'm more exhausted than I have ever been in my life, with pain shooting through my body.  Not going there. 

That's one of the reasons I am so grateful for the people I have in my life.  After a few lessons learned this year which ended a few friendships, I am left with incredible people in my life.  I got text messages from two people today to thank me.  For the thank you cards I sent them.  They thanked me for a thank you?  :)  But these are the amazing people I have in  my life.  This is how wonderful they are. 

I know how fortunate I am to have great friends in my life.  This whole experience renewed several friendships from many years ago and I'm happy to have these wonderful women back in my life.  Their encouragement, support and kind words mean so much to me. 

At the same time, other friends have become even closer.  I have seen goodness and kindness in people that I didn't know existed.  And I am lucky to call these women friends.  Very lucky! 

With the exhaustion and fatigue that I have, it can be so hard to reply to emails and messages sometimes.  Especially longer ones for some reason.  I feel horrible that I don't have the energy to reply to people sometimes.  So when I do get a burst, I'll try to send out text messages or emails or facebook messages to people to try to connect. 

One thing that I have been doing is making more of an effort to connect with those who have made more of an effort to connect with me.  And by doing that, there are a few people I heard less from.  (and for those who are in the process of buying new homes and packing up and moving without having their first homes sold, plus with husbands and kids?  This is NOT about you!  I KNOW you don't have time to think!!  :)  I just wish I was in a better place myself so I could help you!) 

At this point, I'm really happy with the relationships I have in my life.  A year ago, I had given more value to some friendships than they deserved, seeing now in hindsight.  Those people are no longer part of my life and that's okay. 

I can't say I am at a place of forgiveness yet.  I still feel twinges when I'm reminded somehow of all that happened.  Things still bother me.  I know I will never forget what happened but I would like to be able to forgive at some point, just for myself, to completely let it go.  Of the two who sent emails that stung, one got me more angry for creating high school bullshit drama.  The other hurt more and still does.  Even now looking back and thinking of the words that I read, it still hurts. 

It still shocks me. Shocked because of what was said, who said it and that I was so wrong about how I valued that friendship.  I guess its just hard for me to feel so personally attacked by someone who I would have done anything for.  And it hurts that she thought so little of me, and that I was as wrong as I was in believing that this friendship meant as much to her as it did to me.  And that's sad. 

The other one can kiss my ass for all I care.  I think I said if she was on fire, I wouldn't piss on her to put it out.  She's nothing to me now.  I don't even know if forgiveness is the right word for this one.  I've already let this one go.  Sort of an empty nothing for her now.  But I won't put myself in a position of ever being around her.  Hopefully she won't put herself around me.  If she does?  Hmm... I guess I'll find out if I'm still angry then, huh?  LOL! 

When I'm angry, I've been told I can be scary.  Years ago someone followed me for a couple of miles to the drug store I parked at, after I passed her.  She started yelling at me when I got out of my car (didn't even know she had been following me).  I just wanted to go into the drug store and get home!  I remember telling her, "Listen, if you want to start something, then get out of your car and start something, because I have NO problem finishing it.  If not, bye-bye!" 

So yeah, I guess if she decides to show up at something I'm at, she'll find out if I'm still angry or not.  LOL! 

Right now, I'm in this weird in-between stage.  Getting over the last chemo treatment.  Another week + before I see the radiation oncologist to find out when radiation starts, which would be a week or 2 after that.  So I have 2 or 3 weeks now before the next part. 

It isn't this weird limbo like it was back in December, waiting for surgery.  It is more of a recovery and resting phase for me.  I get to not do anything for a little while, even though I couldn't do much if I even wanted to right now!

When all of the treatment is done, I will be going back to work.  That transition will be tough, to ease back into it.  I know that my job isn't my passion and I've been working on figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life.  But right now, the program I want to take will cost about $6000.  I don't have that right now, or for a while!  So... waiting, but who knows what could happen. 

I'm optimistic about the future.  My treatment is in a good place and even though I have side effects, overall I feel good (minus pain this weekend and overall fatigue).  I'm hoping when I get a little energy back, I can start exercising again, which always makes me feel better too.  And with that, I could hopefully start to lose the 20 pounds I put on!  I miss my summer clothes that I won't be wearing this year.  Oh well. 

I have great relationships in my life and so much positive energy and support from everywhere.  I just feel really good about things right now.  Hard to imagine saying this while I'm due for another Vicodin and the pain is getting intense again, after I napped for at least 5 hours today.  And while I'm laying on the sofa, under a blanket with the heating pad on my legs to help the pain, with Rocco laying at my feet on the other side of the sofa.  Yup, things are really good right now.  LOL! 

But they are.  I'm happy.  I don't feel the stress I had before.  Maybe I'm just too damn tired for it.  I've just learned what matters to me and who and what is most important to me.  So going forward, that is where my focus will be.  On being happy and on what matters.  :) 

There are too many to mention, but I hope you all know who you are.  I am so happy, lucky and grateful to have you in my life.  Thank you for your support, encouragement, prayers and for all of the positive energy you have sent my way.  THAT is what has made an unbelievable difference to me and what has helped me get through this.  YOU did that.  (give yourself a little pat on the back!)