One WEEK!

A week from today will be my last chemo treatment.  I'm so happy that it is so close to being done.  This whole thing has been a crazy roller coaster ride for me.  Right now I feel like I'm on one of those boring straight away transition parts of the ride.  Kind of settling what has happened, but not too sure what's next. 

Saturday was the peak of the pain from this chemo drug.  I was fighting tears that day and took more Vicodin than I have since surgery.  It woke me up around midnight when it hurt to get up and go to the kitchen for another pill to go back to sleep.  Shooting, stabbing burning pains. 

I'm nervous about Memorial Day weekend.  With chemo on Tuesdays, the pain starts up typically around Thursday with Saturday as the peak, then slowly gets better by the following Wednesday or Thursday.  Each treatment, the pain has been more intense than the last.  This one was really hard on Saturday.  I'm afraid of how back the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend will be.  Not looking forward to that day. 

Otherwise, thing have been going pretty well.  Sunday we did the mother's day thing and had dinner at his cousin's house before stopping over to see my mom.  I have a friend coming by today in a couple of hours too.  Looking forward to that.

I haven't exercised at all.  Between the pain and fatigue, it has been hard.  I can't do anything when the pain is bad and I've slept through most of the morning classes I could have gone to.  I'm looking forward to getting some energy back again.  

Jim gave up going to the gym for his MMA classes, at least for a few months.  He wants to focus more on working out with weights right now.  Losing fat, gaining more muscle.  So he's been home much more over the past week and a half.  Even though he still works all the time (nights and weekends on his laptop), I get to see him much more often and sort of connect with him more. 

That part has been really nice.  We got to go to a movie together and still go to the 99 most Friday nights.  I like having the "date night" sort of thing.  I missed that.  But things seem to be going really well right now with him and I.  I think both of us are trying to put more into "us" and do more for each other.  I've tried to wear wigs a little bit more for him, so cancer isn't right in his face (me being bald) all the time.  He can forget about it for a little while. 

And he's been trying more with me too.  He's not much of a compliment sort of guy, but he has been trying lately.  Plus little things, like the night we were at the movies, when we were going to bed, he told me that he had a great time with me that night.  Little things like that just mean so much to me. 

I'm trying to think more and more about my life after treatment.  That is hard to do.  This has been my constant.  The in-my-face-everyday for the past almost 7 months.  This has been everything.  So trying to think about my life after this?  That's hard to do. 

I know that I'm not the same person.  I know that I won't be the old me again.  Too much has changed and I have been through too much.  I lost innocence with the diagnosis.  The old me doesn't exist anymore.  I've evolved and become someone new. 

But where do I go from here?  How do I transition back to work when my days have only consisted of sleeping late, naps and leaving the house pretty much for doctor appointments only?

I still have the chemo brain thing going on.  I think it was Sunday when I was confusing the hell out of Jim by using the wrong words for things.   I think I was calling the refrigerator the dishwasher or something like that.  He had no idea what I was trying to say!  And I do that ALL the time still! 

God forbid someone interrupts me.  I'll never be able to remember what I was trying to say, important or not.  It will just be a long gone thought. 

I'm nervous about working with my mind like this, so afraid of making mistakes and having them held against me.  I get little bursts here and there of energy.  Sometimes of physical energy, sometimes of mental clarity.  Not typically both at the same time! 

Right now, I feel like my mind is actually working pretty well.  I'm on the recliner, blanket over me, and I could seriously fall asleep in under 10 minutes if I was to completely lay down.  This morning I was doing a few things around the house for the 30 minute energy burst I got.  I couldn't have said a complete sentence at the time, but I cleaned half of the bathroom. 

It's going to be weird when the hair on my head starts to grow back in everywhere.  I have some spots now that still grow, but others that are smooth to the touch.  The growing back time is going to be a hard transition for me too.  That in-between period.  Just a short boy buzz cut growing back, but growing back uneven and spotty. 

Sunday when I was in the shower and realized it had been close to 2 weeks since I used any razor on my legs, it made me think that at some point I will have to start buying razors again.  I heard the hair on my legs will start to grow back first and faster.  Wouldn't it be nice if that part lasted?   Trying to find all the little positives and not shaving has been one of the big ones!  When I know my numbers are up (lower risk of infection if I get any cuts or nicks), I'll pull out an actual razor with great shaving lotion.  Otherwise I have just used a battery operated elector razor.  The real razor is nice, to get that super close and smooth feeling for a few days before tiny scattered stubble starts to grow in. 

And here's a little bit of TMI (not like I hold back but whatever, click below if you don't want to read this part).  Bikini line?  Scattered is saying way too much.  Maybe 5-10 random hair follicles work at all.  No razor burn, no bumps... super smooth.  Why couldn't this part be during July and August when I'd be most likely to be in a bathing suit? 

I'm still unhappy about my weight and the season change hasn't been helping with that part.  I have lost any muscle definition I had before and I'm consistently up 20 pounds, 2 sizes.  Now that the weather is getting warmer, I don't have any clothes again that fit.  Toss in hot flashes and emotional meltdowns?  Yeah, getting ready is so much fun!

Sunday for Mother's Day, I was in tears trying to get ready.  Poor Jim was standing in my closet trying to pick out something for me to wear to dinner at his cousin's house.  I put on jeans first, but I was SO hot and I already told Jim that I would wear a wig for him that day, which makes me even more hot.  Out of all the skirts and skorts I had from the past few summers, I had one that was a size 10 from years ago (I gave all the other 10's and 12's away at clothes swaps with friends or donated them.  Why would I need them again, when I was a size 6???  URGH!) 

The one size 10 I have is a weird in between color that didn't match everything.  I swear I tried on at least 10 different shirts.  I think that is about when I started crying.  I told Jim I wasn't going and he could tell them I didn't feel well or something.  I had nothing to wear because I was a fat slob. 

It SUCKED! 

Eventually I found an old black short sleeved thin cotton top that worked and kept me from overheating too much.  And the wig managed to stay on the entire time, even after we got home. 

Last week I had stopped at Kohl's where I bought the other skorts I had from the past several years.   Out of every damn color, they had one in a size 10 that I didn't like.  So on the way home Sunday, we were passing a different Kohl's.  I made Jim stop there and I bought 4 of them.  At least now I'll have SOMETHING I can put on when its warm out and not feel horrible.  I have some Kohl's cash now too, so the plan is to figure out what other store I can go to since the 2 I have been to don't have any other colors in size 10. Might go online though and see what I can get (there's chemo brain... thought about that last night, but didn't write it down.  The thought was gone until now, writing about trying to find more size 10 skorts!)

So that's about it.  Still not comfortable in my skin.  Still nervous about what my future holds but trying to focus on the little positives I have in my life and go with that. 

Hmm... anything else?  OH, today Angelina Jolie released her info that she was BRCA-1 positive and had a preventative bilateral mastectomy to lower her risk of breast cancer.  Things I've read from various sites online have been mixed about it.  From "if I had a higher risk of colon cancer does that mean I should remove my colon?" to "good for her!" 

I'm more on the "Good for her" side of things.  First off, being BRCA positive, second having a bilateral mastectomy when cancer was only in one breast not two.  I think the biggest reason I am on the "good for her" side is that I'm glad she is using her position of being someone that the will make headlines to bring attention to this.  Genetic testing is a big deal. 

Although only 5-10% of the population will test BRCA positive, being positive will increase your breast cancer risks up to 87%!  That's HUGE!  If I didn't have a bilateral mastectomy, my risk of developing breast cancer in my "good" breast was 5 times more likely than someone who was not BRCA positive having a mastectomy.  Um, I don't like those odds!

I have a 37% increased risk of developing ovarian cancer with my mutation.  That is slightly increased since I have already been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I also have a higher risk of pancreatic cancer.  Men with my gene (like my dad or possibly my brother and uncles) have a 20% increased risk over the general population of prostate cancer.  And any children from someone BRCA positive have a 50% chance of having the gene.  My brother has a 50/50 shot of having this gene.  And if he does, each of his kids would have a 50/50 shot too.  That sucks! 

So yeah, I'm glad Angelina came out and released her statement that she is positive and she had preventative surgery.  Good for her.  If I knew before cancer, I'm sure I would have made the same decision.  As it is, I had a bilateral to be preventative and after I'm done with treatment I will be looking into having my ovaries removed as well.  I don't want to have to go through cancer treatment again and I want to do everything possible to make sure I never need to.