Yesterday felt a little better. I think a combination of the vitamins I've been taking along with being active has helped. Yesterday around 1 I took a walk down to CVS to pick up my prescriptions (including the strong Vicodin) plus a few other things, then I joined Jim in the yard. He ripped out some of the stuff growing around the edge of the fence and I raked up the front and side of the house, plus the back yard. Doing all that got me tired and muscle sore, but in a good way. And again, I think it helped out my with my legs.
Luckily while I was at CVS I bought more sunscreen; we need to finish the yard today. But yesterday I had on 100+ sunscreen on my face, neck, arms and legs... anything exposed. I was outside in total from about 12:45-3. It was cloudy most of the time with only a little bit full on sun. I had on knee length sweats, a big baggy Tshirt, a bandanna on my head to get my neck, then a baseball hat over that so I had the brim to cover my face, plus sunglasses. And it was only in the low 60's. I GOT A SUNBURN ON MY NOSE AND CHEEKS! With a 100+ sunscreen and all of that covering me? WTF! My face was pretty purple last night. It mellowed out a bit, but I need to be a lot more careful today. I think part of it was wiping the sweat off of my face now and again. Its just something I need to be more aware of.
Today we will be back out in the yard, finishing up. We are going to put out the hammock stand and then the patio table, chairs and umbrella set too. I worked hard yesterday to get that back yard in good shape, so now not too much is left to finish it up today, if Jim is on board for helping me! :) But I just want the yard to look nice and be a nice sort of get away outside.
Yesterday afternoon, I was thinking about how I look. Before all of this, before cancer, when I thought about what I looked like, I could see me. When I saw pictures of me, I didn't think about anything... I just saw whatever picture it was of me. Now? That's all changed. I've changed.
Between gaining weight and then my hair, so much in how I look has changed. And so much of my identity is in how I look. I don't know what that really is anymore. I miss what I used to look like. I miss my hair and I miss my body. This morning when I got on the scale, I actually stood on it long enough for it to register everything. I am up 18.6 pounds. That was from the last time that I saved my weight on the digital scale. And I'm actually DOWN 2 pounds right now. WTF!
I start thinking about me over last summer. I went to the Cape with my parents for 4th of July week, Sunday to Sunday. Jim came down on the 4th, Wednesday morning. I think it was Tuesday afternoon, after I got back from the beach, that I took a cheesy mirror picture (like in a bad dating ad) to show Jim the tan I got in the few days I was down there at the beach.
Then I think of me in Puerto Rico in November, in my dress with my long hair. I didn't really have any pictures of me after that through the holidays. And without pictures, I can't even think about what I looked like now.
It was the Sunday after Christmas that I got my hair chopped off. I have those pictures from that day. Seeing my hair gone and trying to put on a happy face. It was the following Saturday night that we had the Boudoir Party photo shoot that I did with my friends. I can see how I looked in those pictures, after my 2nd round of fertility treatments, when I had already gained weight.
Then I had my surgery. And right after that I colored my short hair purple. But I only had purple hair for about a month. That's about when it started to fall out from chemo and when I shaved it off to not watch it fall out bit by bit.
On March 11th, the Boudoir photo shoot photographer did the other photo shoot with me at her studio. Those are pictures of me bald, with head wraps and with wigs.
Then there was the party I went to with friends, dressed up and bald. The Betty Boobs Fundraising Party on March 22nd.
So who am I now? What do I look like? I have wigs, head wraps, hats, bandannas and then me bald. I have me from last summer with 6 pack abs and me now with none. Who am I now? What do I look like?
When I picture myself in my mind, I don't know what I see anymore. It is so hard to imagine myself in my head since so many things have changed. When I get ready now, it depends on what I do with my head for what I look like. Each time in the mirror can be different.
That's been so hard. I don't know what I look like anymore. I can't picture what I look like when I think of me. I see all of those snapshots of who I was at different points from 4th of July week in 2012 (before cancer), to now, 18.6 pounds heavier, no muscle and bald.
This is what I see.
July 2012
Puerto Rico, November 2012
December 30th, 2012, Day getting hair chopped off.
January 5, 2013, Boudoir Party Photo Shoot
Short Purple Hair
March 11, 2013 Photo Shoot
Betty Boobs Fundraising Party on March 22, 2013
These aren't even all that I have. There are more wigs, more hats, more head wraps. There are different glasses, different accessories, different makeup.
What do you see? What do I look like? What do I see?
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