Depression

I'm still so heartbroken by Monday's events.  I hope with today's release of pictures, they will find these monsters and bring them to justice.  My personal thought is that when they said to not approach the suspects, that was for the suspects, not the public.  If these 2 are found in Boston, they would be approached.  And then, there won't be a need for a trial.  Whoever here would that found them would serve justice.  Boston Strong. 

I've been obsessed with the news all week.  I don't know if its being from here, having so many from my home town so severely hurt, or because I'm thinking of something else.  I've gotten my mind, at least for minutes here and there, off of how I'm feeling. 

Because I haven't been feeling great.  I've cried every day.  A good day is when its only once.  Not sure if that has happened more than yesterday.  Not today though. 

When I was first diagnosed, I was an emotional mess.  I had so many panic attacks, I can't even count them.  I was crying, screaming and sobbing and hyperventilating, flipping out at Jim.  I ran outside to sit on the front porch after midnight in my pajama's and slippers to catch my breath!  Yes, I was a mess. 

But I wasn't depressed.  Not then. 

In February, I was falling and I knew it. That's why I sent an email out to friends.  I knew I needed help and that was my way of reaching out.  A month and half ago, the weekend I got 2 crushing emails back, that's when I got worse.  That's when I started in depression.  I did not stop crying for days with those two emails.  I started in a dark place. 

For the past month and a half, I have been trying and fighting and looking for ways to get myself out of it.  I have tried to focus on the incredible support from people that have been there for me.  I have tried to start to exercise again, something that has always been such a help for me.  I have tried so many ways to start to feel better.  Slowly, I was starting to get there.  Baby steps and still so hurt, but slowly trying to get myself out of where I was.

Then last week. Then that long, thought out, time consuming email to me and 9 others.  Then I got that email. The email that pointed out every way she thought I was wrong in how I felt.  Sent to me and 9 others. 

That night, that email, pushed me so far back, into a place I have tried so desperately not to be.  That night, I did think of all of the meds I have in my house.  The Vicodin, the percs, the steroids, the anxiety meds, and God knows what else.  What a combination of drugs! 

The only reason I didn't take them was Jim.  I couldn't do that to him.  But I thought about it.  I considered it.  And I knew that night and I know now, I couldn't do that to him.  I won't do that to him. 

For the past week, I have been in the worse depression I have ever known.  I have cried every single day.  I sleep all the time.  I have canceled so many things with so many people.  All I have done is pull back and pull away.  And pretend.  I pretend to make other people feel better.  I don't want to put my mess onto everyone else.  So I pretend.  That it isn't like this.  Now my go to answer is, Some days are better than others.  Better than saying that I'm a mess and my pathetic URGH Whatever the fucking word I'm looking for is, my life sucks.  I don't have one.  I'm on the sofa with the dog. 

The only thing I didn't personal cancel this week was what I had yesterday.  My support group was canceled.  I still me to work friends for lunch.  My appointment with my social worker was also canceled.  The two things I probably needed more than anything else right now.. and those were canceled and not me.  I KNEW I needed those and was so disappointed not to go. 

I don't want to put my crap on everyone or anyone else.  I just don't know how to get out of this! 

For 6 weeks I have been FIGHTING to feel better emotionally.  I have been so sensitive to everything.  That email hurt me so much.  I was angry and so hurt.  9 FUCKING PEOPLE!  Seriously?  FUCK YOU AIMEE!  And I hope you ARE reading this!  FUCK YOU!

I was suck a fucking mess already.  FIGHTING to dig myself out of it.  FIGHTING.  To take the time to write an email, copying and pasting parts of this fucking blog to make your points about me being wrong about HOW I FEEL!  And then to cc in 9 other people?  Am I am fucking high school?  Why would you do that?  And if you knew I was such a mess and so hurt and depressed, why would you try to push me over the fucking edge? 

Right now I don't know how to get out of this.  I don't know how to feel better.  I don't know how to help myself with this or what would even help.  I've tried to call a few people.  Either it goes to voice mail or in some cases I was pushed to voice mail.  And after so many emails went unanswered, it is so hard for me to reach out now.  Not reaching out and not asking for help is so much easier than no response or worse... an email telling me how horrible I am or how wrong I am. 

Everything hits me now.  Last night was another fight with Jim.  I hate that this is starting to impact my relationship with him so much.  He just doesn't deserve this at all.  He's too good for this and for the mess that I have become. 

I'm so insecure about everything now.  I can't go out with a wig or without one.  I hate when people look at me.  I hate to see myself in the mirror.  I hate the way I look.  I hate the pain that I get in my legs and the numbness in my hands.  I hate that I can't think right and that I'm always fucking tired.  Last night I slept 12 fucking hours!  9pm to 9am!  And I could have stayed in bed longer. 

The only reason I got out of bed was because of kickboxing.  And the only reason I went and didn't cancel is because a friend was going for the first time and she planned this day 3 weeks ago.  Otherwise?  I could have been in bed all day.  And I would have been okay with that. 

I don't know anymore.  I wish I could run away.  I hate being like this.  I hate feeling this miserable.  I just don't know how to be any other way right now.  And I don't know how to get myself out of it.