I'm nervous about how painful the side effects of this round will be. My oncologist gave me a prescription for a stronger Vicodin than I have already. I'm hoping I won't need it, but I think that's not going to be a reality. I'm just trying to prepare for it and how I will feel when it starts up.
At the same time, I have still be trying to process and get through the drama that happened and brought me down. I'm still in shock about it all. And hurt. For someone who knew I was fighting a depression desperately, I am at a loss as to why she would do what she did. Sending me an email to point out every way that my feelings are wrong, then to cc in 9 others. When I was already fighting a depression? Why would someone do that? How could that ever be okay? What would make someone believe that would be a good decision? Kicking someone who is down, depressed and going through cancer treatments? Adding in other people who weren't involved? I'm hurt, shocked and angry that someone could be so intentionally malicious and cruel. That is something I will never ever forget. Ever.
This blog is MY blog. This is where I get out all of the feelings and emotions that I have during this journey. To take how I am feeling, to spend the time to copy and paste my words, to cc in others? I don't understand that and I never will understand the motivation for being so completely vicious to someone fighting cancer.
Today I was scrolling through Facebook and seeing what was there. I "like" a bunch of pages that give links, plus links people post, that I love to read and review. I'm copying a few here that really caught my attention.
First was a link to a blog post called, "How Not to Say the Wrong Thing"
Part of what was written was:
Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma.
Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.
Right now, with cancer, unfortunately, I was in the center ring. I didn't ask for that. I didn't want that. I never asked for cancer. I don't know what emotions I'm going to feel in a day, in an hour or in 5 minutes. Things change for me all the time. Minute by minute. I just have to roll with it and see where it brings me and do my best to get through whatever happens or whatever I am feeling.
I am taking drugs that cause intense side effects, emotional side effects. To feel attacked and to be told that my feelings are wrong is what is wrong. My feelings are my feelings. Everyone is entitled to have their own, just as I have mine. No one has to like what I feel, but what I feel is not wrong. And no one has the right to tell me my feelings are wrong, especially now! Especially knowing that I have been fighting depression.
Never did I ask for this. And I would never want someone else to have to go through this. That's why I wanted to be involved in changing laws in Massachusetts for breast density, so other women wouldn't have to go through this. That is why I was passing that information on to friends, so they wouldn't have to go through this.
I have been trying so hard to let it go and to focus on the amazing support I do have. I love hearing from people! I am SO grateful for Jill, taking her 3rd day of work off in 1 1/2 weeks to help me yesterday and be my chemo bud! It means the world to me that she was there for me and kept me company and tried so hard to distract me when I was getting my IV.
I loved that Christine and Carrie took their lunch breaks to come by and say hi while I was at chemo. That means so much! I am SO grateful for that. I love the text messages I get, the cards that are mailed, the facebook messages and emails I receive with people just checking in to say hi. That all means the WORLD to me! I am so lucky to have all of that and to have so many around me, supporting me day after day.
Even Jim's mom sent me a text message yesterday to wish me good luck on chemo day and to check in with me. Not everyone has that. No everyone has the great support that I have. I'm so lucky for that. Even kickboxing! The studio is amazing, from all the trainers, the owner, and everyone at the studio wishing me well. I'm just lucky for all of that.
But when I am kicked in face, especially from those I would last expect it from, it hurts. The email I got 2 weeks ago was the last thing I expected, just as I was starting to dig myself out. It pushed me down so far, to a place I did not want to be. I just never thought someone would ever be so cruel, so hurtful, so intentionally, purposely malicious. To add in 9 other people to that email?
There were people in that group, most I am assuming, who had no idea. I had talked to 2 people before any emails happened. Those are the only 2 people I spoke to about any details after the emails. I didn't share enough specific information purposely, so even those in that group, IF they read this blog, would not know who I was referencing. After the conversation I had on Monday afternoon, I was told most people in the group knew. Well, I talked to 2. That was it. If others knew, that was on her, not me. And now, after she added in 9 others into the email, they all know. So what difference is it if I put her name in my blog now? She already put herself out there. That was her choice.
Anyway.... I'm still working on getting over the hurt and anger associated with the drama. Funny part, I had been thinking how high school it was for her to add in 9 others. Where I grew up, I think the mean girls out grew that sort of thing by high school. That was more a middle school kind of thing, bring that many others into the drama. And here she is at 40 years old pulling that sort of shit. That part really does make me laugh! At least I can laugh about something with all this bullshit.
Here is the link to where I got this from:
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407,0,2074046.story
The next thing on Facebook that caught my attention was, 10 Things you must give up to move forward.
Number one speaks volumes to me! Letting the opinion of others control your life. Yup, one I need to keep reminding myself about. I wish I was feeling good about myself right now. But I'm not. My opinion of me, how I look and how I feel, isn't good. I'm doing my best to work on that and feel better and to get some self esteem back.
The second part of that, "You have to do exactly what's best for you and your life, not what's best for everyone else." That's what I have been trying to do and what I will continue to do. What I feel is best for me. I know that writing in this blog is good for me. It is where I can clear my head and get out fears, anxiety, hurt, and even happiness and gratitude. This blog will continue to be exactly what it has been and will not change.
I will nap when I need it, listen to my body, exercise when I can, and not keep my feelings locked up. I will do what I feel is best for me and my life, especially now, going through treatment and getting through everything on this journey.
#2, letting go of the shame of past failures. I like the second bullet on that one, "All that matters is all you do right now." I know that I put Jim through so much crap, especially back in November and December, after being diagnosed, before surgery. The unknown, anxiety, lack of control... it was insane. I was having panic attacks at least weekly. It wasn't good. I was yelling at him, screaming. I put him through so much.
I'm lucky that I know he forgives me for what happened and he understands that it was the anxiety I was going through. He knows how much I love him. Every day I try to express that, to let him know how much he means to me and how much I love him. And I know that he knows that. I try to do little things, things I can do, to show that to him. When I have energy, I clean the house. When he is going to be home at night, I try to cook dinner for him. I do the laundry, fold it and put all of his things away for him. I do what I can to help him, in ways that I can. It matters what I do now, now my panic attacks from November. I can let go of the shame of that and what I put him through.
#3, being indecisive about what I want. Hmm... that's a hard one! I know I want to be healthy and cancer free. I want to surround myself with positive energy, support and people. I want to exercise and rebuild my strength physically. I don't know what I want to do after treatment is over. I have no idea what I will be doing in 6 months from now, forget about a 5 year plan! So yeah, I'm very indecisive about my future. That's hard. I need to make a plan and work towards that future. But I have to figure out what the plan will be first. That's the hardest part for me right now.
I'm in what I'm in. I still have a hard time seeing out of it, seeing my future. Maybe that is part of this, going through treatment, having a disease that could have killed me, and at some time in the future, really could come back. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time with the future, making future plans. The future is uncertain. I'm getting through today, through treatment, but seeing past that point, seeing my future without cancer, without treatment, that's hard to imagine right now.
#4, procrastinating on the goals that matter to me. That just goes along with the last one. I know what I want and I do take steps to get there. Its what I'm indecisive about that I struggle with. And working on making goals, determining goals, that I procrastinate on, even though it is import to me. Maybe that's fear, I don't know. I want to move forward. I want to make a difference, but I don't know how that will look or how I want to pursue that. And I continue to procrastinate on working on how to figure it out. I don't know what I want my future after treatment to look like.
#5 Choosing to do nothing. Wow, these are all a theme, huh? I have been choosing to procrastinate and do nothing about planning for a future after treatment. I don't know what I want and I haven't been doing anything to figure it out. I need to start doing SOMETHING to figure out what I want my future after treatment to look like.
#6, my need to be right. Interesting one. Giving up a need to be right. Yeah, everyone wants to be right. I have no problem saying, lets agree to disagree. I know not everyone is always going to agree. God knows that Jim and I don't always agree on things. I just let it go.
I think, especially with the drama that has been going on, it isn't so much as needing to be right, but more about not having my feelings validated. Instead having my feelings stomped on. I've said it a million times, feelings are feelings without a right or wrong. They just are. Everyone has feelings and opinions (just like everyone has an asshole, doesn't mean anything other than it just is!) But I think now, I need to let that part go. I need to let go the need to feel like my feelings should be validated and not put down. Even though I do believe that, I can't hold on to that.
#7, Running from problems that should be fixed. HA HA HA. That's a funny one.
Okay, 2 parts. Yes, I'm running, avoiding, procrastinating, blah blah blah, about my future. Yup, I admit it. Things aren't going to change at all if I continue to do nothing about it, if I continue to not try to figure out what I want my future to look like. Running from that won't fix it.
Second part? The drama.... I don't think I'm running from anything with it. But I know there is nothing to fix. What is done is done. I'm changing how I feel about things, to let things go and move on. But relationships to fix? No, there is no fixing of anything at this point. Things are done, things happened. I'm moving forward in my life, doing what is best for me, without continuing with some relationships that I had in the past. That's fine. Nothing wrong with that.
That one ends with "Love the people in your life who deserve it". I really believe that. And I really do love the people in my life who deserve it. I'm so lucky for the incredible family and friends that I have around me. So lucky for the support that I have. Sometimes it gets overwhelming to know that and to feel that. To have people I haven't talked to in YEARS reach out to me to offer support and encouragement and to genuinely mean it, that means more to me than I could every possibly express. Ever express! People I went to high school with, who other than the one reunion I went to (my 10 year), I haven't seen since HS! Friends I had lost touch with years ago, reaching out and driving 45 minutes to 1 1/2 hours to come to visit me. How amazing is that? (okay the 1 1/2 hours might have included a detour-aka wrong turn- to Rhode Island but still, it was 1 1/2 hours to get to my house for her that day!) :)
I'm just very grateful for the people I have in my life, the support that I have. Please know how much I love all of you. I wish I was better at expressing that and letting others know how I feel about them. There are too many people for me to list out here. But those of you who do show me your support, with your kind words, messages however you send them to me, even if I do not always respond, please know I read the messages, love them so much and appreciate them with more than I could tell you. I do love the people in my life.
#8. Making excuses rather than decisions. Yeah, I have excuses. Why am I fat and why did I gain 20 pounds? I stopped exercising 5 days a week, sat on the sofa, started eating like crap, went through fertility treatments with daily injections, had major surgery with a 6 week recovery and then started chemo which includes steroids plus other crazy drugs. Yup, I have excuses!
I'm trying to work on the eating habits and I am SO excited to start exercising again. I hate the fatigue that I have, which does damper that for me, but I do my best to work around it. I went to kickboxing last Thursday, didn't do anything on Friday. Saturday and Sunday I walked. Monday I did my couch to 5K and did NOT expect to get in the jogging portion, but I'm glad I did. Yesterday was chemo and I didn't do anything. As of now, I've cleaned up around the house, but no actual exercise at this point. So I'm trying. A little bit. Something is better than nothing, right?
Sometimes, like with figuring out my future, instead of having an excuse, I think I just admit what I what I am doing. And then that in itself is my excuse. I'm procrastinating, doing nothing, indecisive, choosing inaction. I admit all of that. And I think that admission becomes my excuse. See, I know I'm doing nothing, I'm admitting it, so that's a step. But that's just an excuse, not an admission.
#9, overlooking the positive points in my life. Okay, I sometimes do that. Not always, especially when I talk about how much I appreciate the support I have and the people in my life. But other things, I do overlook. But when I'm down, it is hard to see too many positives. Trying, but not all the way there. So I'm trying to focus on the positives that I do see. That will bring other positives into light for me and it will continue to grow.
#10, not appreciating the present moment. Right now, with treatment, all I have is the present moment. I am struggling to see a clear picture of my future. So yeah, I'm all in for the present moment. Right now? The heat is off, the windows open with fresh air blowing in the clean house. I have Sirius XM playing with Coffee House station playing softly. I'm on the sofa, with Rocco laying next to me. My leg is his pillow as he's snoring taking up most of the sofa. Sometimes I can see his legs twitching while he's dreaming. I'd love to know what he dreams about!
I can see the sun coming in through the windows and blue sky outside. I can hear the traffic outside with music playing from car stereos. Some sirens are blaring from the fire station nearby.
I know I'm tired. I pushed it a little too much this morning while I was trying to clean. That burst of energy was great but I did too much.
My life is filled with great people, great support and of course my amazing and incredible and unbelievably supportive boyfriend.
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