New Drug, New Side Effects, New Email.

I've had so many people check in with me because I haven't written in a week.  It was so nice to hear from people like that.  Thank you! 

Last week was a little on the busy side.  I tried to do what I could, then I'd come home and just CRASH.  The fatigue has been building a bit, which is a little overwhelming.  I don't remember the last day I didn't take a nap. 

This week was chemo again.  I finished up the first four treatments that were AC, and the last 4 will all be Taxol.  Whole different set of side effects.  First, the pre-meds knocked me out. 

My poor friend Karla drove down from NH on Monday.  It was great to see her and catch up.  (Took my nap before she got here.)  We went out for dinner, then on Tuesday she took me to chemo.  They changed my pre-meds, and yup, I was out.  The Taxol drip was slower and it took 3 hours for it.  I slept the entire time!  I felt so bad!  She drove all the way down to take me and I just could NOT keep my eyes open. 

We stopped for ice cream on the way home, since it was SO nice out, and she hung out here for a while to let the traffic pass before she left.  I didn't even have the energy to get up off the sofa when she left.  Jim walked her out and helped her get her stuff to her car.  I never moved off the sofa until I went to bed. 

Wednesday morning I was up for under an hour before I was back to sleep.  I was okay during most of the day.  Bursts of energy here and there, then I'd be laying down again. 

Then the side effects started to hit a bit. This time they are scaring me a little. 

My hands hurt.  A lot.  Even right now, typing, I can feel the pain.  When I woke up this morning, my hands were numb.  Making a fist hurts, especially on my index finger.  Its called peripheral neuropathy, which is numbness and tingling of the hands and feet.  Per my oncologist, it can get extremely painful as in Oxy is prescribed for the pain.  Wonderful. 

So up until now, I have had very minimal side effects.  Now?  Not so sure.  I can feel it a bit in my feet too.  It just scares me a bit, that's all.  I've been so lucky with not having strong side effects other than fatigue and chemo brain.  I don't want to add more to it now. 

Last night I got another email.  And again, it left me in tears.  This time it was sent to me plus 9 others "for transparency".  I thought my 20 year high school reunion was last year, but I could be wrong because the drama of it felt like it was high school. 

I'm still trying to put it past me.  I'm trying hard to let it go.  I know I need to be in a better frame of mind to get through the next several months of my treatments.  I've been trying so hard to focus on that. 

Getting more physical exercise in my life has helped SO much.  I love being back at kickboxing even though I'm not going today because of how much my hands are hurting me.  My Monday classes at the YMCA are so much fun too.  And thanks to Marissa, I have other free classes at a different gym that I should hopefully be able to start taking next week.  I'm really looking forward to that. 

Doing something physical has made a big difference.  I can feel it and I can tell in my personality as well.  I'm glad my doctors have given me a green light to be more physical, even though I know I have to take it easy, make modifications and watch myself.  Even still, it has made a big difference for me. 

This blog has also made a big difference for it.  It is a way for me to make sense of what is going on in my head.  I've heard others going through treatment say that they feel like they are manic depressive.  The highs are high and the lows are crushing and they change moment to moment.  Yup, I understand that.  I need a way to sort out all the feelings I have spinning and spinning around in my head.  Writing here helps that. 

One thing I find so surprising is how differently words can be read.  Two people can read the exact same thing, yet they read opposite meaning.  And typically, I hear from one who reads it exactly as I am thinking and meaning.  Then I hear from someone else who is offended or angered by what I wrote. 

That's something else I'm trying to learn to let go.  Like I said, this blog is for me to clear MY head and to make sense of MY feelings.  No one has to read this, so I'm not accepting anything for anyone being offended or angered by what I write.  I'm not forcing anyone to read this.  If you don't like what's here, that's fine. 

But my feelings are my feelings.  No right or wrong.   Its just how I am feeling. 

Last night I was so hurt and so upset.  It brought back everything from when I got those emails before.  Everything I thought I was getting over.  Guess not.  But one good thing, it really made me see things a bit more clearly.  To put 9 others into the email?  Really?  For those in that email who read this, I'm sorry you had to be dragged into drama. 

Even here... I have done my best to keep names out and to keep it so others would not know who I was writing about.  I don't know who knows what out of that group.  Originally, I wrote here because I needed to get it out of my head.  And then others told me that they heard about it.  Not sure who heard what from who, but I can't worry about that.  I talked to two friends about it, and about how I felt.  And I didn't want either of them to feel like they were in the middle of anything.  I never mentioned names to anyone else. 

My mail just came today.   Talk about great timing.  M, thank you for the great card.  She wrote that she hopes "that only kind and caring people are around me".  I needed that today, so thank you.  Thank you so much. 

I really am grateful for so much.  Up until this point, I haven't had much for side effects.  I haven't been sick once!  I live in an area with incredible services available and I'm being treated at one of the top cancer hospitals in the world. 

The people at Dana Farber are amazing.  I have never felt like a number.  All the doctors take their time with me and answer all of my questions.  Even Debbie in Patient Resources waved hello on Tuesday as Karla and me were walking to the elevator for my chemo treatment.  She yelled out from her office, "Hi Julie and hi Julie's Friend!"  They are ALL like that every time I am at that building. 

I receive emails, texts, cards, facebook messages, calls... at least something every single day from someone who is giving me support.  It means the absolute world to me and THAT is what helps me get through this.  I honestly do not know if I could get through all of this without the support I have had.  Your encouragement means everything to me.  Everything. 

I cannot say thank you enough and the words thank you just seem so small for how I feel.  The gratitude I have for the support it so overwhelming.  There just isn't words to express how much it means to me. 

So for now, I am going to do my best to try to focus only on that.  I can't focus on anything negative.  I have to stay as positive as I can to get through the next several months of this.  I'm half way through chemo.  And then there is more, and more.  I need to be in the best possible frame of mind to get through each step of this. 

Right now I want to try to figure out how to let go.  Let go of hurt and anger.  Let go of disappointment, fear, anxiety.  And to let go of people who were in my life.  I know there are things I will never forget, hurts I will never forget, but I have to figure out a way to let it go.  I'm not at a place where I can forgive right now.  I'm just not there.  But for me, I have to let go and release it.

Last week I was talking to a new friend who was diagnosed about 5 or 6 years ago.  She's doing great now.  She said that there are just people that she could no longer have in her life.  While going through treatment, she realized that her life was more important than the drama and the hurt that was brought to her.  She couldn't do it anymore and just had to cut out several relationships from her life.   And many for her were family, which sucks even more. 

But that's where I am at.  Through this whole thing, I've learned some lessons I didn't know I needed to learn.  I have realized that some people and some relationships meant more to me and were more important to me than the other people I was in that relationship with. 

I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and I would never have changed that, even still.  Yes, it can make me more exposed and can leave me hurt more often, but my emotions are out there, intense and real.  I don't hide who I am.  I put my heart on the line.  I've been stomped on many times in my life, but those hurts have become part of who I am today. 

I wouldn't change who I am now.  Yes, I lost SO much self esteem, I'm still worried about scars, my bald head, losing eyebrows and eyelashes, being fat and ugly.  Yes, I'm emotional wreck, crying at least 3-4 days a week (on a good week!).  But I'm dealing with a life altering illness.  So how can I not be living on an emotional roller coaster?  And I do deserve to limit who I have in my life, who can influence me or hurt me or life me up. 

I worked very hard to become the woman I am today.  I am driven, dedicated, hard working, passionate, emotional, determined, caring, loving, giving and yes, I am STRONG.  I am proud of who I have become.  I care about others.  I try to give back as much as I can.  I am thankful for so much and so many.  I love fully and completely.  I don't hold back and I give my all. 

This is me, good, bad or ugly, it is who I am.  You will either love me or hate me.  Find me either honest and real or offensive and angry.  But I am not going to apologize for who I am.  I am not going to apologize for how I feel or the emotions that I have. 

After receiving that email last night, that 9 others were part of, one of my fears was that I would lose more.  Because friends were now brought into drama they did not ask to be part of and were not a part of, I was afraid that they would pull away from me.  But I know I have some amazing friends in my life.  And I am so grateful for their friendship. 

So now I'm going to focus on managing the feelings in my hands today and hopefully this isn't too bad and doesn't get worse.  I'm going to see how the other side effects are and get my rest today.  I am going to do what is best for me and what will best help me heal and get through all of this.

For everyone who has given me support and encouragement, THANK YOU!  I really cannot thank you enough.  Every day it matters to me.  Every day it means something to me.  Every day it helps me get through this.  SO THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!