I started writing yesterday in the afternoon, but never clicked on "Publish", so that one is still sitting in my drafts.  This blog has been my place to get things out of my head.  This has been a way for me to deal with the emotional roller coaster I have been on for the past 6 months.  My emotions change by the minute.  Even re-reading a blog post, it is easy to see the emotions I am feeling and how much that they can change just as I am writing. 

My feelings, my emotions are just that, my feelings and emotions.  There is no right or wrong for that.  They just are.  That's it.  To get attacked on my feelings, to be judged for how I am feeling when I am already fighting depression is so difficult to handle for me.  It has been a daily struggle and I am doing the best I can. 

I am not the same person I was when I found the lump.  I can't be that person anymore.  I have gone through too much.  The drugs I take have caused SO many side effects.  It isn't "as I call it" chemo brain.  It IS chemo brain.  Here is info on psychcentral.com from 3 days ago about a newer study which measured the neuropsychological changes in the brain while on chemo.  Chemo brain isn't something I just made up.  It is something I live with every damn day. 

I'm am so scared of chemo today because of the side effects I am expecting to feel later this week.  I am praying that the pain I had 2 weeks ago is not more intense.  If I was already needing Vicodin to manage it without success, I'm afraid of what it could be like this time, since the effects can be more intense after each treatment. 

Right now, all I can do is manage as best I can what is going on in my daily life.  I am trying to find a new normal that changes faster than I can process.  I'm not one who loves change.  I still have very little control over what is going on in my life.  I'm managing.  Its all I can do. 

With all of the drama, with so many brought into this who had no idea what was going on (at least from me.  Someone else may have passed info along, but that is not on me), I have been doing my best to only think of the positive and to try to focus on that.  So much easier said than done.  But its all I can do. 

The weekend was really good and that made a huge difference.  Yesterday morning was great too.  So was last night.  (not so much the afternoon, that set me back a bit.  Disappointed that the whole email mess was brought up, caused an argument and may have caused damage to a friendship I do not want to lose.)

Last night was the first session of the Couch to 5K training.  This is the 8th time I have done this running group and last night had so many new faces.  It was great to see.  Granted it was 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking, for 8 rounds, but I DID IT!  I haven't done any running since the walk/jog thing I did 4 months ago at the Diva Run Half Marathon in Puerto Rico!  It felt great to do something like that.  I surprised myself.

SO I am doing my best to focus on those things.  The good things.  The support I do have around me and those who are so encouraging and understanding of everything I am going through.  That just means the absolute world to me.  Thank you all for all that you do.  I cannot express that enough. 

I know without the support I have gotten, I would not have made it through to this point.  So thank you again! 

Because I felt attacked on how I feel, based on what I wrote, it is so disappointing that this blog, my place to openly express myself and to get all those swirling feelings out of my head isn't as safe as it was.  And that sucks.  I'll get back there but I'm not going to post everything I wrote on Monday.... Only about how great my weekend was and how wonderful the support I got from amazing friends. 

Today is chemo day.  My fingers are crossed.

Below is what I wrote yesterday.....

My plan for today after my massage and after I was fitting for a lymphedema compression sleeve, was to come home and relax for a bit before heading to the track to start this year's Couch to 5K training. While relaxing, I was planning on writing here, about how great the weekend was and how the things I did, the people I saw, really helped me and helped me feel so much better. So I'll start with that.

Friday night I was grateful that the police caught the monsters who created so much heartbreak in Boston last week. It isn't over and so many people have long roads ahead of them. But I'm glad this part is done, one is dead and the other is caught.

Jim and I were out for dinner Friday night, even with all the TV's on CNN watching everything unfold, it was nice to be out with Jim and connect with him. He's been so busy working ALL the time and I like when we get to spend some time together.

He was working at home most of Saturday. My friend Melanie and her daughter came down and the 3 of us went out for lunch. It was fun to hang out with them and Aly is such a sweetheart! After lunch we all took Rocco for a walk. He was great. And he was so good with Aly too. She was happy to finally get to meet him.

Jim was working until about 9pm on Saturday. After Melanie left, I had the TV on plus napped on the sofa. That night we watched a movie after he was done and I was laying in his arms for that. Love the snuggle time. :)

Sunday was originally going to be breakfast with a friend, but we got a late start, so Tracie picked me up and we headed to the beach for lunch. I completely forgot their was a 5K at the beach on Sunday, but it nice to see the runners heading by. We saw a few people we knew (or course either when we were inside the restaurant or after we realized who they were after they passed us by!).

Although it was a little cool and windy, we took a great walk on the beach to just enjoy being outside and the salt air. It was great to catch up with Tracie too. The whole day wiped me out.

I don't think it was too long after I was home, when I was asleep on the sofa again. Seems to be my daily thing now. (Still having a ton of fatigue, which is pretty frustrating!) When Jim was done working, we were able to spend a little time together again. Even if its just for 15 minutes that I get to connnect with him, it just means so much to me!

This morning it was SO hard to get up. The alarm went off at 6, but we weren't up until after 6:30 with a few snoozes. While Jim got ready for work, I had my coffee and cereal, watching the news. He was out the door before 7:15 and I swear I was asleep again before 7:30. It was after 9:30 when I work up.

Today I missed the class at the Y. It starts at 10 and its 25 minutes away. No way I could have made it. So instead, I went slow, then got ready for my 11:30 massage. That was AMAZING! Even though I still have knots in my back, I love Sally. My entire 1 hour massage was only on my back, shoulders and neck. And I still have knots. SAD!

When I have tension, all of that lands in my shoulders. The longer I have it and the worse it is, it starts to move up my neck and into my jaw. I could already feel it in my jaw. NOT good. Which I why I had the appointment with Sally. Glad it made a difference, but I can't wait to go back for another one. Too much going on starts to pile up.

After the massage, I hit a drive-thru for lunch, then went to get fitted for my lymphedema compression sleeve. Unfortunately, they don't keep smalls in stock, so I didn't get to take it home today. She was going to order it for me and said she should have it in week. That will be great, so I can see if I feel different after using it.

All of what happened over the weekend, the time with Jim, seeing good friends, having fun and being able to relax, it all helped to make me start to feel a tiny bit better after the last email me and 9 others got. I was starting and trying SO hard to get past it. Not easy for me to do, but I was trying.