LIving on Spin Cycle

My head is SPINNING.  I did my best all weekend to keep occupied and busy.  My mind was off of the whole cancer thing.  Thanksgiving was great with my boyfriends family.  They are amazing and so welcoming.  It was a long day but really nice.  Then the biopsy on Friday.  I took a nap on Friday before we went back for round 2 of Thanksgiving with his family.

Saturday was moving day.  We got the Uhaul and my parents came down and helped.  We moved all the big stuff and did a little unpacking too.  Took my parents out for a late lunch before they headed home.  We were tired Saturday night and chilled in. 

Sunday was more unpacking for HOURS, then headed over to the apartment to take out the trash for Monday am pickup.  We stopped at a few stores on the way home, including Home Depot.  Got the new Christmas Tree.  First time in years I've had a fake one, but not being sure how the dog would be, it made sense.  LOVE that it has the lights on it.  SO much easier, even though that's all that is still on it now, pulled in and all. 

Last night, it all started to hit me again.  Waiting on the biopsy results.  2 spots.  2 more not found.  Now what?  I started to have another melt-down last night.  Poor Jim.  He's amazing, takes it and I don't know what I would do without him.

I watched the documentary "Crazy Sexy Cancer" last night.  Kris Carr was 31 when she was diagnosed with a very rare type of cancer and this was her story, plus tossed in with a few others.  I was okay for most of it, but it hit me at weird spots.  Like watching someone in the hospital for a month for her chemo treatments, with her lost hair.  Then with the woman who has had breast cancer for 10 years and her "remission" includes 17 pills a day!! 

The weirdest spot that hit me was watching Kris when she did Trapeze School.  Pretty sure its the same company I went to at Jordan's Furniture in Reading, but at their NY location.  Just seeing her do what I did, while she's stage IV and dealing with it all... it just hit me and I had tears streaming down my face. 

Last night was the 3rd time I had a dream about cancer.  The first two were with ultrasounds and tumors.  Last night was chemo and I had an IV in.  Even sleep isn't safe anymore.  The cancer even gets me there now.  I hate that.  I hate that it can even take my sleep from me.  Hate. 

When I woke up this morning, I had the worst stomach ache and I didn't know why.  Well, found out.  Got my period a week early.  Normally, fine.  But now?   Well, with chemo lingering in the not so distant future... that means fertility issues and all that crap. 

After I got to work, I called the fertility office I'm going to, Dr. O's office.  I don't have my meds yet, not sure if the insurance went through and I have to have an ultrasound right away.  The nurse, Sue called me back shortly after.  Meds start day 2, she wasn't sure on the insurance yet but would check and then I was called back to schedule my 8am ultrasound and blood work for tomorrow morning. 

After a total of 8 phone calls just on this, the pharmacy is having the drugs delivered to work tomorrow so my shots can start tomorrow night, the appointment is set for 8am tomorrow, I can bring the remaining paperwork with me and my insurance approval for the meds and fertility treatment went through. 

That was how I started my day, before 9am. 

The town I'm leaving has free TV drop off's (another call all after internet checking).  Merry Maids is $210 to clean my old apartment out for me, saving me from cleaning the kitchen, bathroom and rugs- with a tossed out and broken vacuum (2 more phone calls).  My old landlord isn't showing the uncleaned apartment that still has the 3 TV's plus a few other things there until I hand in my keys by the end of the week (2 more calls). 

By the way... 3 old analog TV's.  Maybe 12-15", 20 ish" and 27"?  All work, all have remotes.  Just big, analog TV's.  And I'm just tossing them.  Salvation Army doesn't take them, Christian Charities doesn't, My Brother's Keeper doesn't.  Some places charge to pick them up!  But they all work!! 
SO, let me know if you know of anyone who wants/needs a FREE TV that you could come pick up this week.  Friday we are dumping them at the town DPW. 

So, back to spinning!  That was at 13 phone calls.

One actual doctor appointment today, she referred me to another. Between that office any my insurance, that was another 7 phone calls.  (up to 20 now!)  2 were from Dana Farber following up on one complaint I made from an attitude I complained about last week, (that was AMAZING!), so that's 22. 

Crap, I had 1 more that I'm forgetting... I know I had 23 calls today!  Plus the dr appointment, plus actually trying to work!  OH, one was the nurse from the breast oncologist office saying she had no info for me and those results won't be back until Tues-Thursday.  Dr. C will call me this week and then we can go from there, but she can't give me anything about options, what's next or ANYTHING until those results are back. 

I hate that I don't know what's going on.  I don't know what's next, what my treatment is going to be, what options the doctors are going to recommend, how advanced this cancer is, what stage I am, how much this has spread.  I don't know ANYTHING about my own damn health right now!!  I HATE THIS. 

I know I have almost no control right now of what I'm going through or what I will be going through.  Other people are planning my appointments, my treatments, my future!  I feel like I'm along for the damn ride, with a rope tied to my feet dragging me behind an old beat up pickup that's off-roading!  I'm just bouncing around, bump after bump, rocks and dirt slamming me along the way.  I can't get off, I can't untie myself for this and I can't change the course of it.  I'm just STUCK!

I'm trying to find ways to manage this as best as I can.  I have no outlet.  I'm so overwhelmed.  I could barely function at work today while trying to get any actual work done. 

Merry Maids will be the best $210 I can spend right now.  All the time off from my schedule NOT having to clean or deal with it.  My boyfriend is going to pick up the TV's over there for me tomorrow.  I have SO much unpacking left to do though.

Then the fertility treatments.  I'm already SO short and snippy.  My normal minimal patience level has lowered to non-existent.  I'm a bitch.  I hate treating my boyfriend like crap and snapping at him.  But I do it.  Too much.  It isn't fair to him and I don't want to do that to him. 

Right now, we still have the rest of my unpacking, plus lots of other boxes to get up to the attic and other things to do downstairs.  I'm not sure if he gets it.  I have so much chaos in my life right now, that I need some order.  Having the house organized, picked up and without clutter makes a HUGE difference for me.  Seeing shit like moving blankets or boxes still laying around and blocking hallways?  MAKES ME CRAZY! 

I hate having no control over my life.  I hate being this much of a bitch.  I know I'm going to be worse in the next few days once I start on the fertility drugs.  I'm afraid of what I'm going to be like with Jim then.  How crazy am I going to be with him?  I hate this. 

And then I start thinking more about the biopsy I'm waiting for.  2 were done.  What if its worse?  The size of the first alone put me into stage II.  They break up the breast into 4 quadrants, a circle with a cross through it.  Well, the one tumor is on my top right.  The other 2 biopsies?  Bottom right and top left.  3 out of the 4.  That scares me. 

I'm also scared that they couldn't find the 2 spots on my left which were on the MRI.  I don't want to wait another 6 months for another MRI.  I want this found and tested NOW.  I want answers and I don't want to wait anymore.  I want to know what is going on and what my future is with this.

My patience is DONE.  I'm scared.  I hate not knowing and it is making me angry.  I HATE THIS.  I hate that I'm going through this.  I am frustrated not having answers and not knowing. 

I just want to be able to put this past me and the longer I'm going without knowing, without any idea of my treatment or what is next, the harder it is to move ahead or beyond this. 

I'm in circles, spinning around and around and there is no way off this horrible ride that I didn't want to be on, never asked to be apart of and can't get away from, even in my sleep.