Once she started the ultrasound, I could see her face. Techs aren't allowed to give info, that has to come from the doctors office. But I'm pretty good at reading body language and I didn't like the info I was getting. I asked her what she was checking (for cysts among other things), if I had any (one on my right ovary) and what impact that would have on the IVF drugs (Dr will tell me).
In GENERAL terms, she said that depending on the size, the doctor may completely stop all IVF.
WONDERFUL!
My head went back into tailspin mode. More getting taken away.
The doctor himself eventually called, after I spoke with a nurse basically freaking out. He said yes, a 28mm cyst on my right ovary, but he is comfortable moving forward with the IVF cycle. His words, generally wouldn't worry about a cyst like this, but with my "cancer" history, I should tell my oncologist about it. He can't say its cancer one way or the other.
And back to my wonderful world of horrible intuition. I knew what was up on day one when I first felt the lump. When I had an ultrasound weeks ago for the IUD and they mentioned cyst, I told my oncologists then. And I had a very bad feeling then. That bad feeling is still here and got a whole lot worse today.
After a call to the breast oncologist office, no news. No biopsy results, and keep waiting. No BRAC-1 or BRAC-2 testing results yet, keep waiting. No NOTHING yet and keep waiting. Me? I hate waiting and I have NO patience anymore! Wait? NO!
A few other calls with the doctors office, IVF drugs delivered and I was told about the changes that were made. Great, thanks.
I spoke with someone today at Dana Farber for their One to One program. It matches up patients with those who have been out of treatment for at least a year. Think Big Brothers but for cancer. So I'm waiting to be matched to someone I can talk to on the phone who has gone through something like this.
Katie was really nice. She asked what I would be looking for in a match. I said someone younger, not the typical 50+ age of breast cancer patients. Someone without kids who had fertility questions. Not married and dealing with the relationship part. And someone with chemo and hair loss. My absolute biggest fear. I know that's just going to destroy me.
Katie said I'll be getting a call in a few days.
Today I heard from my friend Jill about kickboxing. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have gone. Even knowing she was going, I was close to missing. MAJOR meltdown today after I got home.
The meds were delivered to work today, so I brought the huge box home. My boyfriend was helping me with it, which is great. I know all he wants to do is help me and be there for me and make things easier for me. He started unpacking everything doing it all. I didn't know what came in, what matched up and the original plan I had with meds changed. I didn't know which one I was supposed to start taking TODAY!
I freaked out. Started crying, screaming actually. He just walked away and said he wasn't going to just stand there and get yelled at. That was my breaking point. I lost it. Literally fell to the floor sobbing. I don't mean to flip out and yell. It isn't even about this.
I have absolutely NO control over what is going on right now. I am WAITING for doctors to get me test results. I have no plan, no control, no knowledge of what my OWN future is! That is making me NUTS! I like order. I like having a plan. When I make a "to do" list, it includes other lists I have to make... and no, I'm not kidding. (make a food shopping list, list of xmas gifts to still buy, etc).
To feel like I have no control? This is MY life. I feel like I'm along for the ride, but I'm not the one planning the route. Stuck sitting in the back seat, in the middle, with my feet up on that horrible hump. :(
I completely understand that my boyfriend was just trying to help. He understands the medications, what's what and what has to be done. I know he was unpacking and putting away everything to help me and make things easier.
But I have NO control. By just doing it, taking over for it, it was taking more things away from me, more out of my control and more on that horrible ride with me in the back seat. So I lost it. I cried and screamed.
We have since decided that "stop yelling at me" isn't something that works. I asked for a completely unrelated word he can say to sort of let me know I've hit that unreasonable point. He picked "Pickles". Okay. So now when he says Pickles, I know I'm getting nasty. Hopefully that works.
So, with my 2 meltdowns over this (the first initial meltdown, then talking about it after I had another. Poor guy!), I almost didn't go to kickboxing.
I AM SO GLAD I WENT! With each punch, kick, jab, cross, hook, upper cut, roundhouse, foot jab, whatever! With each one, I was hitting cancer. I was fighting it out. It felt so good to get it out it and beat it out.
Not working out in weeks, I got my butt handed to me tonight! And okay, love Heather, but GOD DAMN with those Burpies tonight!! Holy crap. :)
One thing I love the most about kickboxing is that when I'm there, I'm just there. It is one of the few times in my life when I'm truly present in that moment. I'm not thinking about other things, what's next, what I have to do when I get home, what's on the agenda for tomorrow. I'm just there, in that moment, doing whatever it is that round it and agreeing with Jill who yelled out "WHAT?" when Heather yet again yelled out, "BURPIES". (best part was when Heather caught Jill!)
I love that I'm just there. Nothing else exists except that moment. I'm taking it all out on the bag and I LOVE it. I feel so good leaving it all there. I hate that I'll have to take a few weeks off while on the IVF drugs but I know its what I have to do. Hopefully I'll be able to get in a few classes at the end of the month before any surgeries or treatments or whatnot.
After class, I wanted to let a few of them know since I know I'll be out. It is still so hard saying it, telling people, yup, I have breast cancer. It SUCKS. I hate that I still get emotional about it.
The 4 that I told were all amazing. I love the support and positive encouragement that I got from them. Even a hug from Master Xavier. :) So if anyone wants a GREAT workout that is SO much fun, plus you get to hit stuff... iLoveKickboxing.com and pick the Randolph location. They are the absolute BEST!! I cannot say enough about them. I always said how great they all were, and tonight they continued to prove me right.
So the hits, yup, they keep coming. Today I was lucky enough that I could get to kickboxing to let it out. Not all days will go like that. Some will be easier, others will be harder. Nature of the beast at this point.
This morning I bought myself an Alex and Ani bracelet for an Xmas gift to me. The Gift Box. 20% goes to the American Cancer Society. The card says,"Connection, Joy, Gratitude". On the website, the description says:
20% of all sales from the Gift Box Charm, with a minimum donation of $25,000, will benefit the American Cancer Society to encourage people to create a world with more birthdays by staying well, getting well, finding cures, and fighting back against cancer.
I'm in that group now. I want that reminder on my wrist. I'm part of this. I also bought the Young and Strong one too, another donation for cancer. And a few weeks ago I bought the Dana Farber one. My reminders on my wrist.
Here's the Gift Box.
http://www.alexandani.com/gift-box-expandable-wire-bangle-russian-silver.html
So... I'm staying strong, remembering that life is a gift.
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