I've never been a morning person and I've never been great about being exactly on time. Originally my plan was to get to work at 7am, leave around 8:15 to get to my 8:30 dr appointment. Well, 7:42, on sofa, typing away on the laptop with a list to do and not at work.
And I wanted to stop at the old apartment down the street from the hospital to grab a few things before the morning of appointments. Hmm...
Once I'm at hospital, the day is like this:
8:30, Dietitian, Julie
9:30, Blood Work
10, Medical Oncologist
11, Genetic Counselor
BUSY morning. Last night, with the incredible help of SO many people in my family, I finished up the Family Cancer History Tree. JOY! HOURS of work with that and I had no idea how much cancer ran in my family. Sadly (but very helpful for me), one was done before on my dad's mom's side. Dad's aunt had breast cancer and so did 2 of her daughters. They did this back 3 generations which is to my Great-Great Grandmother. They even included her 3 marriages and kids to each husband! WOW!
I got a few of the questions down that I wanted to ask for the dietitian and some for the medical oncologist. I'm hoping she has the results from my breast MRI on Monday and that would hopefully tell if this has spread at all. Then I can have a better idea on my treatment options. Right now, I'm just not sure what I want to do, and even what I could do!
Monday was crazy. HOURS on the phone.
Call PCP for 2 referrals
Call OB/Gyn for pelvic ultrasound results to be forwarded to oncologists
Call Medical Oncologist office to pre-register
Call Dietitian back to schedule appointment
Call Fertility office back for next steps and to schedule next appointment
Call medical insurance, what's covered, and request a case manager.
Receive call back from case manager... 40 minute call.
And that was AFTER the MRI while I was at work! Yeah, makes sense that I'm falling a little behind at work.
That's another stress.... I need to focus at work. Yeah, cuz that's what I'm thinking about all day. Sure. So much for those ADD pills helping me focus during the day. I'm focused, but just not on what I should be doing.
That's when I start to get overwhelmed. With all of that on Monday, got it figured out with the 2 friends who are on the same flight as me for the Puerto Rico trip (the other 3 on are a different- direct flight) that we are meeting at Logan Express for the 4:30 shuttle for our 6:30am flight.
LAST night I finally started packing for that trip. Need to do some more laundry so I can finish that up, pack the accessories and toiletries and I SHOULD be done... and a few pairs of flip flops (only packed 1 sneakers, plus the pair I'm wearing, and 4 pairs of shoes so far to cover EVERYTHING. Not bad for me!)
Toss in that I have to be out of my apartment by the end of the month and I am NO WHERE near close to being done or ready for that. People keep offering to help, but OMG! I have crap everywhere!! Only so much fits in my car and I don't have boxes. Gotta love back and forth trips with suitcases and laundry baskets. I need some bigger things over so I have places to put my stuff.
My boyfriend built me a closet and that's great, but I have SO much crap. Tossing a ton which is good, but it is just so much to do!!
I get so overwhelmed with all of it. Then I get nasty. And I hate that. Then I feel guilty for being nasty. I'm all over the place emotionally and not sure how to handle it all.
During the day, I try to be positive. I try to believe the BS I tell people. Doctors say prognosis is great. Stage I or II, best place for treatment, amazing support system. Long road, but I'll be okay.
And yeah, its all true. But.... its overwhelming and terrifying. I'm scared.
I don't know what treatment I'm doing. If I go with a lumpectomy, I have chemo first and definite. And I WILL lose my hair. If I have a mastectomy, that's a much bigger recovery than I expected. MUCH bigger! I could be out of work for a month! Yeah, I have short term disability, after all sick and vacation time is used at 60% pay. And I don't know if my company will still pay the amount they do for my health insurance or if I'll have to pick up the $200/month they pay on top of the $350 I already pay for my share.
By the end of the day, I have nothing left. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I spent hours last night finishing up the family tree and tried to respond to a few facebook messages and emails. I tried to pack too. No trip to the old apartment, no laundry. No nothing. I barely ate dinner.
Then I get nasty. My boyfriend will ask something, and I end up yelling at him. Over NOTHING. I flipped out on him last night, then ended up in tears. Monday night was okay but the same thing happened on Sunday night. Then I feel horrible. He didn't do anything and he doesn't deserve that. He is so great and I'm just treating him like crap!
All he does is smile at me and say, "Baby, I love you. What can I do? What can I do that will help?" Last night he did the laundry, told me no worries on money, whatever happens with work or insurance, and he's meeting me today at 10 to be with me for the medical oncologist appointment. Like I said, he's incredible. And I'm a bitch. A RAGING bitch!
Then we go to bed, he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight, telling me that he loves me and everything will be fine. Laying in his arms is my favorite place, where I feel the safest. Its the only place I can really feel relaxed right now.
Thinking of how crazy I have been getting at night, when I can't take anymore and I start to get raw... that scares me about my trip. Its one thing to lose it like that with my boyfriend who I live with, but on vacation with 5 of my friends??? And I going to lose it with them??? And what about if I drink? First, can I? I've been looking forward to going out and drinking and dancing the night away. Even bought my new "Salsa Dress"! Can I drink? And if I do, am I going to lose it?? Be that horrible emotional crying mess that I usually make fun of? Is that going to be me?
What about not drinking, just at the hotel at night? Or on the beach? What is going to happen when I finally just stop, sit and try to relax?? My mind isn't going to shut off. Its going to start reeling on and on and on! How am I going to react? What am I going to be like with my friends and is it going to be too much? I don't want to ruin their vacations! I know they have all been looking forward to this trip too!
I keep thinking about everyone else all the time, not wanting to make anyone else feel bad or feel worried. Sometimes I censor what I say to people because of that. Always keep that smile on my face.
I remember years ago, in HS, a teacher used to always say, "Fake it 'til you make it". I've lived by that. When I felt insecure, I faked the confidence. Whatever it was, put that smile on my face. And I'm still doing it now, with all of this.
I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone. I don't want people to pity me. I don't want to be sick! I don't want people to feel bad, upset or have to worry about me. So I put that smile on and fake the positive BS. Sometimes I actually believe it. Sometimes. Maybe I just think its the "right" thing to say or right thing to believe, I don't know.
I'm just really really overwhelmed and scared. I don't want to lose my boyfriend because I'm so nasty and he keeps telling not to worry. I hate that I have been so nasty. I hate being like this and I hate being scared and not having control of what is going on in my life right now.
Who knows.
My fingers are crossed for good news today. And surprise surprise, I'll be late! 8:15 and I'm still on the sofa!
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