Overall the trip was fun. I was less stressed, which was great. Before the trip I was worried about work, packing for the trip, moving, and then all the crap with cancer. After leaving, the trip packing was done and I still don't go back to work until Monday. Now I have to worry about moving again, but I had that off my plate in Puerto Rico. So for 5 days, it was cancer.
My new favorite book is Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. She was 31 when she was first diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. Her book has great tips with a ton of humor tossed in. I wrote all over it and am starting to look up some sites she mentioned in the book.
Friday night, after we had our first swim and happy hour, we went over to the expo to pick up our race packets. Got the free Ford Warriors head wrap which brought tears to my eyes, so did the pink bra pin that Kristin bought me. I got 2 sneaker charms I put on my running sneakers, a pink ribbon on one and a heart with "Survivor" written on it on the other.
Just as we were getting ready to leave the expo, I felt my phone vibrate in my bag. It was my medical oncologist. The MRI results were in. I need more testing done. Between that call and then a couple of others, next Friday morning (the day after Thanksgiving) I'm scheduled for ultrasounds in both breasts. The goal is to find what they saw in the MRI and biopsy everything then. I was told the ultrasound could be 2-4 hours long.
In addition to what was found on the first ultrasound, the spot that was originally biopsied and was positive for cancer, they have another spot on my right breast they know they want to biopsy and then on my left she said one looks suspicious.
The nurse I spoke with yesterday said if they cannot find everything on the ultrasound that they saw during the MRI then I'll need an MRI guided biopsy. JOY! That one will be interesting.
A breast MRI? Take the open (not so open in reality) MRI. You go in feet first, face down. They put this thing up on the table, for an angle. Think of a massage table, where your face goes in the cut out spot. Well, I have that spot for my face, plus 2 other square spots slightly below that. And after being on my back for the IV to be put in, I flip over and get into position. Then a tech on either side grabs, pulls and tugs to get all the tissue into view before they slid me into the MRI machine. And now they tell me I might need that again, WITH the biopsy?? REALLY? My response was, Hmm... that would be interesting.
SO, I had that on my mind the first night of the trip. This is worse than they originally thought. They see something in another area on my right side plus more questionable areas on my left. So much for me thinking about Stage I.
Of course my brain goes right to me being Stage II or Stage III and that I'll need a double mastectomy and basically that I'm screwed. I was in tears on the phone with my boyfriend that night, who by the way continues to be AMAZING.
He told me, "Baby, nothing has changed. We're still going to beat this. So there might be a little more. There was already one and you were already dealing with it. We are still going to beat this and you are still going to be fine." I love him so much. He is just amazing.
During the trip I was afraid I was putting too much on my friends. A really opened up a few times to a couple of friends, more than I have before with anyone other than my boyfriend. I felt so exposed about it all. I'm so emotionally raw and I feel so damaged.
One specific conversation I had was so difficult for me. It left me so beaten down. If I had gotten the plane ticket on my own, I would have come home that day. It just got to be too much. After that, I spent a lot of time on my own. I didn't want to ruin anyone's vacation with my cancer shit & my emotions. I felt like I was doing that and I hated that. Plus, I was so raw and so overwhelmed with having cancer on my mind. I just wanted to be home after that.
When I was pulling away from everyone after that, little sweet Christine deserves so much thanks. I felt so alone. I was scared, overwhelmed, hurt and beaten down. I purposely avoided everyone and just laid on a hammock alone. Christine reached out to me and was so great. She told me she didn't want me to feel isolated and alone. She got another hammock near me and sent me a text that she was there if I wanted to talk. It was what I needed and I thank her so much for that. I'm not sure I could have made it through those last few days if she hadn't reached out like that.
During those last few days, I spent a lot of time alone. I finished my book, wrote in my journal A LOT, and just thought as I was staring into the ocean. I went shopping in Old San Juan and met so many great and interesting people. But cancer was never not on my mind and I was never not scared or worried.
Wednesday night, after Logan Express and all that, I got home just before midnight. I was SO tired. Mentally and physically spent. Thursday was crazy. I met my boyfriend for one appointment which included blood work, then had my ecco-cardiogram, then a chest x-ray.
While I was the cancer center, I asked about the next ultrasound (which was then scheduled for next Friday while I was there) and I scheduled an appointment with a social worker they have on staff. I also went to their resource area. WOW did I come home with a ton of books and pamphlets. I'm signed up for a makeup thing next month and found out about a support group as well as yoga classes that are offered.
Today I have a call with my case manager at my health insurance, my occupational therapy on my wrist, then meeting with the fertility doctor about freezing before I'm sterile if I ever decide I want to have kids. Wonderful cancer makes you think about so many great things.
After leaving the cancer center yesterday I stopped at 2 different party stores. Sally's Beauty Supply had 3 wigs in stock, all over $100. Um, no. I'm feeling this out and trying to get used to the idea of losing my hair SLOWLY. I ended up going home with 5 wigs. Brown, black, auburn, hot pink (with sparkles) and a purple bob which is my favorite.
I have to back up for a second. While reading websites and my Crazy Sexy Cancer book, lots was written about losing hair. Because of that, I decided I'm cutting it off before chemo. I don't want my almost waist long straight blond hair to fall out. My hair is my identity. I've had this long hair for 10 to 15 years! NO! I do not want to lose my hair!!
Cutting my boobs off and replacing them with implants? Fine. I love great bras that give the added cleavage. But my hair??? HELL NO! Screw that crap with the "It will grow back". That's bull shit. My hair is ME! Losing that is worse. That is what I'm having a harder time with. NO! I don't want to lose my hair! People in bars have come up to me to tell me they love my hair. I even had someone start touching it once (um, personal space?). NO! I don't want to lose it.
So I decided that instead of seeing this fall out, I'm cutting it off. I'm going to braid it and save it... waiting until around New Years before chemo starts. The braid will represent the BBC (before breast cancer). When it starts falling out, shorter pieces might not be as bad. Might not but I doubt it.
And my plan is Newbury Street. I've never done that before because I would never spent that kind of money on a haircut. But I am now. Going to Newbury Street around New Years for the new after breast cancer me. Maybe I'll even play the cancer card to get a cheaper price on it. But no matter what, that day is going to SUCK!
That's where the wigs come in. If I am going to have to do it, I better start getting used to it now. Meet the purple bob! That will be a fun one.
Last night, I got all dressed up and put on the auburn one when my boyfriend got home from work. Long and wavy. He said I looked completely different. I asked what "Her" name was. First he said Ferrari, (isn't that a good stripper name... um, yeah, that was the look of this wig, especially with the dress!). In favor of his car, we went with Mercedes.
I'm trying to take it moment by moment. I don't want to freak out. My emotions are all over the place and I have no control of them. I know that. I know my mind is on tunnel vision. I can only think about cancer. How is my life changing? What do I need to do? How am I changing?
I'm lucky I have such an amazing boyfriend who gets it. He understands that I'm going through this and I'm not me right now, at least not all the time. I have been trying so hard to ask him about things he does, his gym, his work, the things that matter to him.
That's hard too. I'm so hyper focused on me and cancer and all this CRAP that its hard to remember that other people have their shit too. I'm not going to be a great friend right now. I don't have it in me to be supportive and encouraging to others. I just don't. Maybe I will later, but I'm going in 20 directions all the time trying to figure out literally LIFE ALTERING decisions.
My life is important to me. I am putting me first right now. I have to. And right now, there isn't much room left. I'm going to be a crappy friend right now. Hopefully people will understand that and get it. I'm not sure though. I won't be surprised when friendships change or end completely. That will be hard, especially when it is with people I thought were part of that inner circle I worked hard to get.
Lots on my mind, lots of directions, but one baby step at a time. That's all I can do. One step at a time.
In the Crazy Sexy Cancer book, she had her Cancer Posse- other friends with cancer. One was a Cancer Vixen. They all used different names.
I just got back from Puerto Rico, from the Diva Half Marathon. I picked mine... I'm the Cancer Diva. Might even wear my new tiara and pink feather boa when I go for chemo treatments. I'm going to kick cancers ass, right along with Purple Bob and Mercedes.
Night of the half, in my Diva Pose.
My Diva Gear
The Diva's
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