New Year

It has been a while since I last wrote.  I guess so much has been on my mind it has been hard to get it all out.  Things haven't been easy over the past couple of months for me.

With New Year, I'm trying to be more positive, but that isn't always easy for me.  I have gotten so overwhelmed with so many things happening all at once and sometimes it is hard to know which way to turn.  And reaching out for help isn't something I am comfortable doing at this point. 

Right now I am 30 pounds heavier than I was when I was diagnosed.  I still have absolutely no energy.  One day out takes another to recover.  I have 0 confidence and 0 self esteem right now.  But what I lack there, I more than make up for with the level of anxiety I have. 

Things with Jim haven't been easy.  He has taken care of me physically, financially and emotionally.  I have put so much pressure on him to make up for the confidence I don't have in myself, and I know that isn't fair.  Add in the pressure he has at his job, and things are not easy with us. 

I hate being like this.  I hate feeling like this.  I don't know if there was ever a time I had so little confidence in myself.  Nothing fits me.  Whenever I get ready to go anywhere, I have a breakdown.  I hate what I see in the mirror.  I'm feel like a fat, scarred freak. 

I'm broke.  After adding up expected copays for just January and February, it is over $900.  If it wasn't for Jim, I couldn't make ends meet each month.  There is no way I could afford to live on my own without Jim.  That scares the hell out of me, especially with how tough things have been between him and I.  I really don't know what I would do. 

Then other friendships.  The lost ones.  Some friends have said that they have been busy with work and everything else and they say that is why they haven't had time to get together.  Sometimes they are even too busy to reply to emails.  But then I hear how this one and that one are getting together and see things posted online.  So I can take them at their word, that they are too busy to get together or reply and that means that I'm just not even thought of at all when they do have time to get together with other people.  Or, its intentional.  Either way, it sucks.

Every day I have a goal to not cry but most days I can't meet that goal.  I feel so sad and so down all the time.  I'm scared.  I don't know where I'm going.  I feel like I'm in a boat, lost and drifting, with no land in sight. 

I feel like I'm fake.  When I see people, I put on a happy face.  Everyone thinks I'm doing great.  Then I get home and I break down and lose it. 

The massage therapist I see at Dana Farber keeps asking me what I'm stressed about.  My shoulders and back have gotten even worse.  The knots I feel, she can't even get to because there are layers of knots over them.  Layers.  Right now I'm so sore, even in my jaw.  I've always held tension in my shoulders.  Now things are so out of control, it is more than my back at that is suffering. 

She is surprised that I don't have loss of feeling in my hands because of how much the knots are pushing on my nerves.  She thinks that why I have headaches, jaw pain and weakness in my hands. 

It is hard for me to reach out.  I'm not in a good enough place emotionally to handle any rejection at all.  I'm afraid.  So I put on the happy face and pretend.