No Regrets

For years I have said that I don't believe in regret.  Whatever has happened in my life, good or bad, has lead me to wherever I was in that moment.  To change anything in my past would change the person I am today and the people in my life today. 

Today I was thinking about Christmas last year and where I was emotionally.  I was thinking of the morning on January 10th, the day of my bilateral mastectomy.  Before we left the house that morning to go to the hospital, I knelt down and hugged our dog Rocco.  I remember crying into Rocco's shoulder, terrified about the surgery. 

Jim drove us through traffic to Faulkner Hospital, that cold winter morning.  We ended up getting there early and I wouldn't let Jim get out of the car on the top level of the parking garage.  I asked him if he wanted to go away, go anywhere, just drive out of that parking lot and go anywhere else.  He said after I healed from surgery we could go away, but we had to go in. 

Thinking about all of that got me thinking about erasing the past year, if I had never been diagnosed and if I never went through surgery, chemo or any treatment.  If I never had breast cancer. 

But then I thought about the things in my life right now and who I am right now BECAUSE of the past year.  If I erased the past year, I would erase all of it.  I wouldn't want that.  I don't want that. 

Although my relationship with Jim has been up and down and is so far from perfect, I have seen what true love really is.  He is my best friend and has shown me what is it like to have someone by my side who I can truly count on. 

I have learned so much about myself in the past year.  I have changed priorities and really learned what is important to me and what is just unimportant to me and what I don't want as part of my life.  I have changed so much in the past year. 

Because of the past year, I have been working on legislation at the State House, working to change laws for other women.  I am a very strong and persuasive advocate for this bill.  I work hard and have built great working relationships with legislators and legislative offices.  Who knows, some day I may even run for office!  (At least that's what Jim keeps telling me!)

In the past year, relationships in my life have changed.  I have met people who I would not have crossed paths with, if it were not for me having been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Even two weeks ago, I had lunch with a new friend who is months behind me in her journey.  I have my friend Carol from Brazil, who reminded me that it is our friendship anniversary around now.  We "met" this time last year online on WhatNext, what I call Facebook for cancer.  We went through the journey with treatment, surgery, relationships and fears.... it was nice having someone who just GOT it. 

I had my trip to Utah in August where I met a few other new friends who live across the country, but who I have remained in contact with.  I love hearing from these great women and I am so grateful for having them in my life. 

Before my diagnosis, I had lost touch with several friends over the years.  The powers of Facebook, we were "friends", but ones who didn't really speak and never saw each other.  That changed this year.  The support I have received from friends I hadn't spoken to in five+ years?  I can't even articulate how much that has meant to me.  These are women who mean SO much to me.  I wish I could find the words to thank each and every person who reached out to me and gave me support.  THANK YOU! 

Since I have been diagnosed, one of Jim's aunts was diagnosed, and one of my dad's cousins was also diagnosed.  Because I was on that road before these women, I could share my story and give hope, support and just maybe a little inspiration. 

My relationship with Jim's family has become so close.  I don't think that was because of the diagnosis, but I don't know if I would have realized how much they really do love me if it wasn't for the past year.  I am part of their family now.  I love them and feel like I am one of them. 

No, if I had the power to erase the past year of my life, to remove that I had ever been diagnosed and all that has happened as part of that, I wouldn't do it. 

I still struggle every day.  I still have intense fatigue and neuropathy pain that still will bring me to tears.  I still have anxiety, mood swings, emotional outbursts and breakdowns (any sympathy for Jim yet for what he has lived through for the past year?  Poor guy!)  Every day is still a struggle for me.  Right now my hands are throbbing, from typing and from the dogs pulling on the leash when they saw a squirrel on the walk earlier. 

With cancer, with surgery, with treatment, with my fears, anxiety and emotional roller coaster, with pain and fatigue.... if I had the power to erase the past year, I wouldn't do it. 

I couldn't erase all the great things this year has brought into my life.  All of the experiences, all of the people.  I wouldn't erase the pain if it meant I had to erase the joy as well. 

Thank you all for bringing joy into my life and for reminding me that I continue to live without regrets. 

Thank you!!