Julie on a Journey: Days 9 & 10 and STELLA!!!

28 Days of Thanks continues....

Day 9. Food

Before I started chemo, I heard so much about how it can mess with taste buds. Many people have a metallic taste in their mouths when they eat and are encouraged to use plastic utensils. Others lose taste all together.

I guess I was lucky that I never had a metallic taste. My taste buds did dull though. Many things didn't have flavor. I never really used salt, but needed so much of it plus other seasonings to give food more of bold taste. Even hot or spicy foods could be bland.

I'm thankful that now, again, I can taste food fully. I can savor each bite. When I have my favorite Taza Chocolate, I can enjoy each morsel of the rich, dark chocolate. When Jim and I cook or bake, I can enjoy all the flavor and love added to each dish. And I am thankful for the healthy foods that I can nourish my body with.

Day 10. Words of Wisdom

I have been blessed with hearing so many wonderful words of wisdom this year. Without the help and support of family and friends, I'm not sure I could have gotten through it. Jim is always here for me with incredible advice for me. Even just now, while I was was typing this part. He's telling me to use things that sting as a driving force to move forward.

Others have helped to remind me of how much I have gone through and how far I have come. That has been great too. I need that. I forget that sometimes. I just see what I'm in the middle of and not the accomplishments I have under my belt.

Funny thinking about it, Jim's advice today, to use what stings as a driving force to move forward.... it is something that I have done for a while. I know I'm determined when I want to be. Maybe its hyper-focus of ADD, but I set a goal and do what it takes to reach it.

In February, I felt the sting of finding out I that if I had an ultrasound when I had my first mammogram, cancer could have been found 16 months earlier.   I might not have needed chemo. It wouldn't have spread to my lymph nodes. That more than stung, that made me so angry! So I'm still using that now to help change legislation.

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I'll toss in one negative before the best part, the new puppy. Pictures are below, if you want to skip the venting I need to do.

The negative? Why Jim was giving me advice to use what stings as a driving force to move forward.

A year ago right now I was in Puerto Rico. The other day it really hit me, I went to Puerto Rico in less than 2 weeks after I was diagnosed. WOW! I was a friggin mess!! It doesn't surprise me now to hear that people diagnosed with cancer go through PTSD symptoms. Um, yeah!!!

When we went to Puerto Rico, it was six of us. And when we flew out, I considered the five of them, five of my closest and best friends. Four of them were the four friends I told the day of my diagnosis. Other than my parents and Jim's parents, I didn't tell anyone else that day.

I know I've changed in the past year. Unfortunately, because of surgeries, treatments and side effects, I am not able to physically do what I did before. I am hoping to get back to kickboxing. I haven't been running because I was too tired. I wasn't allowed to go swimming.

I've also tried to keep in touch with most of that group of 5. I've sent emails and texts to all and have lunch occasionally with 2 of them. Out of the 5, I have only had actual conversations with 2 of them in the past 4 months. Since May 1st, I think that I saw 2 others maybe once each.

Last night I saw a picture on Facebook of the 5 of them. A last minute gathering. I'm happy for them that they are all still friends and hang out. That's great.

But it just sucks feeling excluded. Really sucks. I wish I could do what I used to do, and I'm hoping to get there, but right now I'm not. I used to see or talk to or at the very least HEAR from people before cancer.

Yeah, I know. I changed. But it isn't like I just changed my entire personality for NO reason. It is fucking cancer! Kind of a big fucking deal if you ask me. And yeah, I know that everyone has busy lives. I get that. And I think that's great. I want good things for all of my friends and for all of the people I care about.

I'm happy for my friends who have recently moved into new homes. I'm happy for friends with new loves, new jobs, and for all of them when good things happen. I want to do what I can when things aren't going so well. I'd love to listen. I love connecting with people I care about.

I hate knowing when things are rough for friends. Good people deserve good things. When jobs are hard or making them miserable, when relationships are tough or questionable, when life itself is hard, when family is overwhelming..... I hate to see people I care about go through these tough times.

This year, I went through the worst and toughest time of my entire life. It was one struggle after another. I learned SO much and felt so blessed for the support and love I got from so many. I am so grateful for the friends who did step up and who let me know that to them, I did matter and I wasn't forgotten. Being forgotten was one of the hardest parts, feeling like I just don't matter at all.

So last night, when I couldn't sleep and started clearing out emails and scrolling through Facebook, to see a picture of a last minute gathering of the five of them together, a year after it was the 5 plus me in Puerto Rico? That just sucked.

It hurt. It stung. It still does. I'm not bitter about it. I'm just hurt and sad about it. Its a reminder of what I have lost in the past year. The six of us flew to Puerto Rico on November 9th, 2012. Last night on November 9th, 2013, it was the 5 of them out when it can even be a challenge for anyone to have time to meet me for lunch one on one. So yeah, it hurts and I do feel left out, excluded and dropped.

But as Jim said, use it as a driving force to move forward. When I do get my energy back more, when I get the okay from doctors to start doing more, then I can get out more and be around people more. And do more of what I love with exercise. And meet more people again.

Things like this just makes me that much more grateful to the people who hunt me down and check in on me. When I have one day out, then take 3 to recover with no energy to even turn on my laptop, I know I suck and slack at keeping in touch with friends. So having friends who recognize that and who help me with it... I appreciate it SO much!

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Okay, best part! PUPPY!!!

After a few attempts and misses in bringing a new dog home with us, we went to a shelter yesterday with Rocco. That's where we met Stella. I feel in love with her. She's a bit timid and shy but is such a little love bug. She loves to snuggle.

Her and Rocco had a minor moment at the shelter around Jim, but they were fine with me. And since I'm the one home with them most of the time, it felt okay. Since we adopted her yesterday, there were only a couple of minor moments here too. All when Jim was closer to them than me; one with a rawhide, one with a toy and one snuggling with Jim while I was in bed.

She's 7 months old, an American Bulldog mix and per the paperwork, she was 42 pounds. She has to be a big mix. I can see Bull Terrier in her snout (think the old Bud ads with Spuds McKenzie).

We've had her at the house for about 24 hours. Not one accident at all. Yesterday I brought her outside every 2 hours.   Today she was out at 7am and 11am. Its 2:15pm now as I am tying. She did get sick a couple of times, but it was water that she gulped down after munching away on a rawhide. We'll have to watch that, but she's been better today than she was last night and overnight.

Last night, Jim didn't want her to sleep in the bed, before we know about house training her and how that goes. I was having trouble sleeping and was going to take her from her doggie bed next to me out to the sofa with me. She stood up and had her front paws on the bed and when I went to pick her up, she was out of my arms and across the bed. I got her back down and she just jumped right back up and laid down right between me and Jim.

She stayed between us in bed for most of the night, until I got up around 5 to move to the sofa. Both Stella and Rocco came out with me. I was laying on my side, across the sofa with my knees bent. Rocco, as usual, was sleeping behind my legs, using my knee as his pillow. Stella was laying right at my belly, with her head resting on my arm. It was so cute, all snuggled up with them both! She definitely likes to be around people.

Right now she's sleeping next to me on the sofa, all wrapped up in a blanket. Jim is in his back office working and Rocco is with him. When she wakes back up, I'll take her out again for another bathroom break.

But here are a few great pictures of my little love bug Stella, along with a video of her sleeping and snoring. I think she might even snore louder than Rocco!!!