Making Strides

I had a really good weekend with Jim.  We spent some good time connecting this weekend.  He was working on painting a tractor he has (practicing for when he paints the car he's fixing up) and I finally got around to painting the wicker chairs I got for the entryway.  Of course, after they dried I realized I need one more coat.  SO another trip to Home Depot for some more spray paint and then I can finish that up.  Maybe Thursday.

This week is going to be busy, but I've still been tried.  I think I've been trying to fight a cold & maybe an ear infection too.  I don't know.  But I've upped the Vitamin C and been trying to get extra rest. 

I was supposed to get back to kickboxing this morning, meeting my friend Marlene for a class, then we were getting lunch after.  Class was 10-11 and I need to leave at 9:30 to get there on time, with parking and lights and all that.  I woke up at 9:17am.  Yup, missed the class!  I messaged Marlene I wasn't making it, then laid back down under my cozy blanket.  That's been my whole day and its now after 2pm. 

Tonight I have to go to an event in Boston where I'm going to try to network a little bit for the Density Bill.  Then I'm going back in tomorrow to meet with some legislatures as well.  Tomorrow is going to be TOUGH.  Fingers crossed I make it through the day okay.  I'm worried with the fatigue and with how my feet are still bothering me.  We'll see how it goes. 

The rest of the week, I'll be taking it pretty easy.  Nothing really going on again until Sunday. 

I made a decision about a week ago for this coming Sunday.  I'm doing the Making Strides breast cancer walk with the American cancer Society, in Boston.  I'm taking a bus with dozens of others into Boston where I'm meeting a friend of mine who is going to do the walk with me.  I'm really looking forward to it.  Between networking, meeting other survivors and being part of the month of awareness (aka Pink-Tober), it is a nice way to spend the first Sunday of the month.

The other night I realized something as well.  Last year I found the lump on the Sunday of Columbus Day weekend.  It was Sunday, October 7th.  That was the day that started all of this.  Even though it was 3 weeks later before I got the official diagnosis, October 7th was the day I knew it was breast cancer.  I just knew. 

The walk this Sunday is on October 6th.  The last day of this year for me.  Doing this walk that day is sort of coming full circle for me.  A way to sort of mark all of this as done.  I'm hoping that I can start to move on a little more easily after this, emotionally and physically. 

The year hasn't been easy.  Not in any way shape or form.  I've been on ups and downs the whole year.  So many things have changed.  I will never be who I was Sunday morning October 7, 2012.  Never.  She's gone.  I can't go back there, I can only move forward. 

I think of the relationship Jim and I had that day.  Amazing how much has changed.  It is unbelievable the journey we have been on and are continuing on. 

Then there are all the other relationships in my life.  The friends from my past who reached out so wonderfully and showed me so much support and love.  It has meant the world to me.  The friends who have been in my life and were here a year ago and who just stepped up and showed me so much about what friendship is.  The women I didn't know a year ago, who I have met through this year, who have been incredible to me.  People I will never forget and some friends who will be with me forever. 

Those are the positives with the relationship changes.  The sad part is with the negative relationship changes.  Like I said, I'm not who I was a year ago.  I can't go back there.  I have changed too much.  And some of the relationships I had then have also gotten to the point that I can't go back to them.  A few ended, several shifted and drifted on and apart.  Some I'm really sad about. 

There were some friends I really thought were true deep friendships.  Women I talked to while they were in tears over different things in their lives.  Women I tried to support with the ups and downs and good and bad of life.  But the relationships didn't pan out that way.  The friendships weren't made of what I thought they were made of.  They weren't the lifetime friendships I thought they were. 

It makes me sad to think of that.  It isn't easy to go through a life threatening disease, major surgery and horrific treatment and then try to reach out to people to only have them knock you down or disappear.  That's a really hard pill to swallow.  When I needed friends the most, some people really did disappoint me and let me down. 

Maybe they thought they were being good friends in their own way. They weren't, but maybe that's what they thought.  In my darkest hours, it was hard to see anything past the hurt, disappointment and heartbreak of being let down.  I still struggle with some of it.  I'm still hurt and I'm still disappointed. 

I did my best to try to reach out to a few who fall into those categories, the shifted relationships, or the disappearing ones.  I can only try to reach out so much.  It isn't worth continuing to put myself out to be ignored more and more.  I DO have great people in my life and my time is better spent with those who are hear for me and who do care about me then spending it reaching out to those who don't care and who disappeared when I needed friends the most, who continue to not respond to me. 

I've done the best that I can to release the anger that I had with 2 specific people.  One person, I have been able to let go of the anger.  I'm still extremely hurt, but I am no longer angry with her and her actions and words towards me.  I didn't want to continue to carry that with me.  I'm almost to the point of complete forgiveness to her as well.  Not for her, but for me to completely let it go.  Not all the way there, but almost. 

The other person?  That was much more deliberate, thought out and intentionally bitter and nasty.  As much as I would like to say I am not angry, that's not true.  I am.  I'm angry that someone would be THAT intentionally nasty to me while I was in the middle of a depression during chemo.  I mean, seriously?  It's just fucked up!

I'm not as angry as I was, but I still get a twinge when I think about everything.  I end up just shaking my head and saying things like, "what a fucking bitch" or another word that starts with a "C" is actually more appropriate for how I feel about her.  Not in an angry way, more of a matter of fact way.  She's just a C, that's all.  

But I have great people in my life.  And that makes me happy.  They make me happy.  I have a dog that loves to cuddle (who now cries when he can't snuggle with me!) and a boyfriend who wraps his arms around me at night.  I have friends who have shown me what real friendship is all about.  I have an incredible family who has shown so much support, in my family and in Jim's family. 

I'm blessed to have these amazing people in my life.  I'm so grateful to be able to really feel so loved and cared for by so many people. I will never take these people for granted in my life.  I hope everyone knows how unbelievably special they are all to me. 

So I try to focus on that.  Focus on the good, the love, support and the friendships in my life.  My confidence is slowly starting to improve and even being tired and having some pain, I'm happy.  For the first time in a very very long time, I am really happy.  Things are on the right track for me and moving in the right direction.  I'm keeping the positive relationships in my life and letting go of anything and anyone who doesn't bring that into my life. 

Even though I still have down days or times, they are fewer and further between and each one lasting shorter than the last.  The happier times are more frequent now.  I'm laughing more and having more fun in simple things.  I have more joy now and I missed that for a long time. 

I'm looking forward to this weekend, to the walk on Sunday.  It will be a really great experience for me.  This isn't something I ever really thought would be part of my life, but it is and this is who I am now.  Breast cancer will forever be part of my history and my life.  I will always have that little twinge in the back of my mind when things happen... is it cancer?  Is it a recurrence?  Will I have to go through this all over again?  But I'm doing my best to keep those questions and worries buried down so the questions are harder to hear and have less impact. 

Otherwise.... Sunday, Making Strides.  Fundraising for this cause.  I only registered for this on Sunday night, with a week to fundraise for it.  I didn't want to pressure people too much and I have only posted it a couple of times in the past couple of days on Facebook.  Because of that, I took out their default goal of $2500 and only set it for $500.  I figured that was still reaching, with starting only 1 week before the walk. 

In under 48 hours, my page is up to $390!  That is just insane!  I'm blown away at the generosity of people who are contributing to it.  I am SO grateful for the support too.  I just can't believe it though.  It is just so nice. 

If anyone wants to make a contribution to my page, here is the link:
http://main.acsevents.org/goto/JOrsillo


Feel free to make any contribution you'd like.  I'd love to give back and stop this disease.  That's why I'm working on this bill and this is why I want to do this walk.