New Beginnings

I wasn't really planning to write this morning, because I don't know how much time I have and my thoughts are still too random.  But here goes!

Yesterday was my birthday.  My 39th birthday.  I have never been this happy to be another year older!  38 sucked and there is really no other way to say it.  I had surgery on my wrist on September 27th last year.  A week and a half later I found the lump and on October 29th I got the call.  Year from hell.

But now, 38 is DONE!  I closed the door on it and have moved on to 39.  YAY!

Last night I did a journaling exercise I did years ago with a now retired life coach I worked with.  Joan used this for New Year's but my birthday is the start of a new year for me.  Plus, with my birthday being the same time of year that school starts up, it is full of newness for me.  Here is the link to Joan's coaching page if anyone has interest in what I used to journal.  http://www.joancollinscoach.com/cb1206.html

Since I started doing this MANY years ago, I have been naming my year.  It gives the year a theme and intention.  I don't think (or don't remember anyway) I did this for 2013.  It was right before my surgery. I could have.  I might have even written here about it!  Gotta love chemo brain!

For my 39th birthday, I named my 39th year.  This is the year of new beginnings.  I'm cancer free and and done with active treatment.  This is the start of a healthier life for me.  Jim and I have had many issues, but we have decided to work on things and to give it another chance, all in for both of us.  We are having a new beginning in our relationship as well. 

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, but I am looking into going back to school part time and finishing up my degree (depending on financial aide and all of the costs associated with it) and moving into the health and human services field.  It is important for me to give back and help other women who are or will be where I was.  I want to pass along when I have learned. 

Within that, I want to use what I know as a fitness instructor, become a certified personal trainer, and also start other trainings.  I want to become a certified yoga instructor, take nutrition classes and become a life coach as well.  I think with the combination of all of that I will have so many tools available for a whole health perspective, along with my own personal experiences. 

This past year I lost a lot.  Not only my breasts with the bilateral mastectomy or my hair with chemo, but my self esteem and confidence as well.  I lost my sense of adventure.  I lost my fearlessness.  I also lost a few friendships in the past year and others which were close, are no longer that close. 

But, as I have heard so many others say, there are so many good things that somehow come along with a cancer diagnosis. And I would like to go through so many of those now.

1. I never knew how selfless and giving people could be.  I have been unbelievable touched by the outpouring of support I have received from so many people over the past year.  The entire island in our kitchen was covered with cards and flowers I have received.  One of the flower arrangements I received came in a white basket.  I put all the cards in that one basket but I can barely fit anymore in there now.  They all mean so much to me and helped me get through SO much.  Thank you all for that. 

2. My friend Carol in Brazil.  We "met" online on WhatNext, which is basically Facebook for cancer.  An online social media site for people with cancer or caregivers.  We both joined around the same time, shortly after were were diagnosed last fall.  I had 2 rounds of IVF, then surgery in early January, followed by chemo and radiation.  Carol started chemo before Christmas last year.  She had a few months of that, then surgery, then more chemo, then radiation. 

We just GOT what the other was going through.  She understood my fears.  She knew how hard it was to lose my hair.  She knew the struggles with relationships, with depression, anxiety, fatigue.  She just understood because she was going through it all as well. 

Carol prepped me for my start of chemo and gave me so many tips and helpful hints.  I passed along information to her about surgery and let her know things she could do to help.  We sent each other care packages, Boston to Brazil. 

Carol gave me strength and courage to forge on when I didn't have any of my own.  We have never met in person, but she is an amazing friend who I will cherish forever.  I cannot wait to meet her in person and we are already working on planning that within the next year.  Meeting her is on my list of 40 things to do before I'm 40!

3. Reconnecting and re-establishing old friendships.  Without my cancer diagnosis, I don't know if we would have reached out to each other to reconnect as we have, so for that, I am so grateful. The cards, texts, messages, visits, words or support and encouragement... it has all meant so much to me.  To not have really spoke, other than a few Facebook messages here and there, in pretty much 7-10 years, these friends from my past have been so unbelievably amazing with the love and support they have provided me with.  I treasure the moments and our friendships.  Please know how much you and our friendships mean to me. 

4.  Meeting so many new people. 

Everyone at Dana Farber would never have been in my life if it wasn't for breast cancer.  They are wonderful people and I love the joy and happiness that they all bring.  I have had so many laughs with the wonderful people I have come into contact with. 

I won the Boudoir Photo Shoot in January pretty much because of my story.  I met Lauren, the photographer, Stephanie the hair stylist, MaryJo the makeup artist and Tricia the stylist.  I've happened to bump into MaryJo and Stephanie a few times and Lauren has been so kind to have done 2 additional photo sessions with me.  Those photos showed me strength I didn't realize I had.  The Boudoir Party was a wonderful night with great friends, days before my surgery. 

Strangers in public.  I have been out bald for months.  It is amazing the conversations that can start!  I've met so many other club members.... the cancer club or chemo club or breast cancer club.  We all know the look and see something of ourselves in each other.  We share tips and advice and pass along information or organizations that we found helpful ourselves.  We support each other in a way that non-club members just can't. 

5. I had purple hair!  I never would have had the courage to have purple hair before!  So after cutting it short and not loving the loss of my long hair, I dyed it purple.  And LOVED it.  I rocked the purple hair!  So much so, that I'm actually considering going purple again.  Who knows?  Why not!  It was so much fun.  I loved it. 

6.  Friendships I had were strengthened.  Some friends I've had for many many years, and other newer friendships, were strengthened this year.  So many provided me with so much support and encouragement and conversation and distractions.  I loved the breakfasts, lunches, sitting on the sofa with me and Rocco, getting out and doing something different (like a bike ride, brunch in Cambridge, Tomato Bash), going for walks, text message or email check ins, chemo visits, company at home, cards... ALL of it.  WOW! 

There are too many people who fall into this category to mention all of you, but I have to mention a few specifically. 

My Boudoir Party girls.... each of you have been so wonderful to me this entire year.  You have all had so much going on in your own lives. 

Tracie, getting engaged, selling your condo & getting married (yes, all that in 2013!) plus other personal things, it was a busy year for you.  You made so much time for me and even though you may really have visited just to see Rocco, your visits always made such a difference to me.  Grabbing lunch, heading out somewhere like the beach or just hanging on the sofa and catching up, they were all so great.  Thank you.

Christine... working INSANE hours, going to school at night, volunteering, then finding replacement roommates and moving!  WOW!  But every other Tuesday you popped by for a chemo visit with your little happy smiling face.  Love you my bucket list friend!  Thanks for SUP lesson, the Tomato Bash and the trampolines at SkyZone.  I'm willing to try that indoor rock climbing place, surfing, or trying snowboarding again this winter (but the only other time I tried in 2008, I broke my wrist!) and I still want to do outdoor ice skating, so Frog Pond?  I love your sense of adventure and confidence.  Thank you for your friendship and joy. 

Jennifer, in between a vacation, work trips, your engagement, working on your new house, and changing jobs, you were amazing to me!  Specifically picking my last chemo treatment to be my chemo buddy so you could celebrate with me. I loved that!  ALL of the cards that you sent me mean so much.  And wow, did you do TOO much.  The breakfast box, and OMG those brownies!!  Hmm... I might need to order some for me now!  :)  The visits you have made, the emails, Paint Nite, SUP, yoga... just to name a few things!  Thank you! 

I know how lucky I am to have the 3 of you as friends in my life and you mean SO much to me. 

Michelle, my friend who tries so hard to get me on the phone when I'm not really a phone person!  I'm sorry we have hard a harder time connecting but thank you for not giving up on me.  You have done so much for me!  You were hear right after surgery (ready to kick the visiting nurse's ASS for having me in tears!).  You took me the day after my first chemo for my first shot.  You walked in your sneakers in the snow with me, so I could get outside and get a tiny bit of exercise, even though you wanted me tied down so I could rest.  I love you.  I know you have had a lot on your plate lately and I am sorry I haven't been as good a friend to you as you have been to me.  I love you! 

Melanie.... love you honey.  Please never ever think you haven't done enough.  OMG you have done too much.  With 2 girls in elementary school, a son who just started college, moving, working full-time, a dog and don't forget your husband!  You have SO much.  I love the visits and having you and Aly coming down to see me and Rocco (I know it isn't all about me!) when you could.  You have done way too much with gifts.  It isn't necessary.  I love you and our friendship for (WOW!) over 20 years. You are an amazing person and you give way too much of yourself.  I love you!

Jennifer, thank you.  Another one with a husband, dog, young daughter and who moved!  Talk about a busy life!  But you always made time. I loved every one of the cards you sent, especially the pickle birthday card in March.  You have no idea how many people I have told about that card!  You have been so kind to me and your friendship means more to me than I can express.  The advice you have given me, all the times you have listened to me vent and you compassionately responded, even if you didn't agree with me.  You are one of the blessings that cancer has brought back into my life. 

Melissa, another blessing from the past.  Thank you.  I can be horrible about making plans, especially with the schedule of doctor appointments and fatigue tossed in.  But you never gave up on me or getting together.  You understood the few times I needed to cancel, even at the last minute.  And you have been wonderful about scheduling more time to get together.  You have listened to me vent about life and so many insane things that have happened this year and never let time pass with texts or messages.  Thank you so much for bringing our friendship back into my life.

There are so many others as well... thank you all SO much for everything you have brought into my life.  You haven't made me feel like I was sick or a cancer patient or a burden in anyway.  You helped me feel alive and like ME and like the world has been okay, even with me being on pause for a while!

7.  Family.  My extended family with so many cousins... a guess a benefit of a big family.  SO many of the cards in that white basket are from family checking in.  Cousin Judy with your crazy text messages and "electronic tuck ins" at night, thank you!  Just getting your little "XOXO" message with nothing else means more to me than you know, knowing that I wasn't forgotten is huge!

In addition to my family support is Jim's family.  My last day of radiation, last day of active treatment overall, I not only got a congratulations call from Jim's mom, but from her sister as well!  His cousin's sent cards and I always had so much support from them all.  His cousin's wife even buzzed the back of my head and around my ears last week to clean up my hair.  We were sitting around talking for close to 2 hours that day!  When in a relationship with someone, you never know what you are going to get with their family.  With Jim, I have received a whole new loving, caring, accepting and supportive family of my own.  They have just brought me right into their circle and I feel so at home with them all.  I'm very lucky to have them in my life and so touched about the support they have provided me with this year.

8.  Jim.  We have been on a roller coaster this year.  We were away for my 38th birthday.  A month later, he asked me to move in.  That was the same weekend I found the lump.  A few weeks later I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

After I got that call, I remember running to our bedroom and collapsing on the bed in tears.  He held me there for hours.  I told him I understood if he wanted to take it back, if he didn't want me to move in with him, if he wanted to break up.  I couldn't walk away from cancer, he could.  He hadn't signed up for that.  I will never forget his answer.

"I'm not walking away from my best friend."

Jim has shown me what true love really is.  He unpacked my mail order meds for me.  He came to almost every doctor appointment I have had.   He gave me the IVF shots I needed every night for weeks.  He held me when I cried.  He took the screams I threw at him.  He was with me at the hospital for surgery.  He emptied the drains twice a day when we got home.  He washed my hair in the sink when I wasn't allowed to shower and helped me hold the drains so I could attempt to shower as best I could with the hand held shower.  He put purple hair dye in my hair, very carefully so he wouldn't stain my scalp.  He buzzed my head as my hair started falling out.  He told me I was beautiful.  He has financially put himself in a spot he wouldn't have otherwise while providing so much financial support for me.  He has tried to make my life as normal as it could be during treatments.  He rubbed my legs and feet for me when the pain from chemo was too much for me.  He fed my cats and scooped their litter box, even though he is allergic to cats, the 4 months I went through chemo and I wasn't able to go near the little box.  He put up with my mood swings and outbursts and the abuse (yes, verbal abuse) that I threw at him.  And he never made me feel that he didn't love me.  Even in the worst of times, when we were fighting, he never ever made me feel like he didn't love me.  I have never doubted his love for me. 

We have had our ups and downs.  cancer takes so much from relationships.  Strong marriages have failed.  Any cracks are exposed.  It isn't easy being someone's caregiver, especially when adjusting to living together at the same time!  But he did it.  And for the most part, he never complained about it. 

He has been my rock.  I never would have made it through this past year if I haven't him, his love and his support.  He can talk me down from a panic attack (again last night), he can make me feel better about myself, even though that is something I should be able to do for myself.  He has picked up the pieces of my shattered self esteem and has loved me.  Through all of my meltdowns and outbursts and craziness, he has been here.  And for those of you who know me, you have NOT seen the craziness in me that Jim has seen during this past year.  Sobbing because chicken is undercooked.  Screaming because of too much chaos in Walmart. Yelling at him because we left the house 15 minutes later than I wanted to.  Shaking and screaming and crying so many times.  Running out of the house in pajamas, in the middle of a full panic attack, because I couldn't breathe and needed air. 

Jim took a beating from me in the past year.  It has NOT been easy on him.  I love him so much and hope to make it up to him in some way.  I want and need him to see how much I love and appreciate him.  I need to make him feel that from me.  He knows that I love him and tells me all the time that he sees that in my eyes, but I need for him to feel the respect and appreciation I have for him and our relationship. 

If things don't work out between him and I, yes, I will be completely devastated.  He means so much to me.  I cannot see my life without him in it.  Everything I picture for my future has him by my side.  He is my partner.  I love him with all I have to give.

But more importantly than me wanting him in my life, I want him to be happy.  I want good things for him and for him to be truly happy.  If that is without me as part of his life, that is something I will have to deal with.  I hope to God it isn't how things end up, but if it is and if he is happier without me, I will manage if I know he is happy.  I will be heartbroken, but I will manage.

SO those are a few of the many many things I am grateful for during my 38th year.  My life has changed completely.  I have learned many many lessons and I have learned so much about so many people, including myself.  My priorities have shifted.  I still have the anxiety that I developed but I am doing my best to live in the moment and enjoy the hear and now.  This single moment will never come again.  Enjoy it!

Surround yourself with people who lift you up and bring you joy.  Life is too short to be torn down and unhappy.  Laugh and have fun!  Do what makes you happy.  Walk barefoot in the grass and smell the roses.  Feel the raindrops on your face.  Watch the sun rise and a new day begin.  Find your passion in life and do it!  Go for it!  Believe in yourself.  Be happy.

I have a wonderful group of people in my life.  My circle of friends is amazing.  They lift me up and support and encourage me.  They believe in me and help me believe in myself.  And they love me, all my faults and cracks and craziness, they love me!

So I'm working on the rest and trusting and believing that things in my life will fall into place and will happen as they should.  I will be where I need to be, when I need to be there. 

There is some reason why this past year was part of my life.  I'm not sure yet what it was, but some day I will figure that out.  It has changed the direction of my life and has given me a renewed purpose.  The friendships that have begun or been reconnected, or strengthened are such a blessing to me.  I am a different person because of the good and the not so good of the past year.  This is now a part of me.

Last week I saw many extended cousins at a wake.  One cousin is being treated for breast cancer at the exact same treatment center location I was treated at (I will be visiting her today during her chemo treatment, like my chemo buddies did for me).  Someone close to her said something to me that touched me.  She told me that my cousin knows what I have gone through in the past year and I have been an inspiration to her and have given her strength, because if I could do it, so could she.

Maybe that was part of why I had to go through this year.  There were lessons I needed to learn in my life, people who needed to come and go in my life and maybe it was a way for me to know how to give back and help others, even if that is just purely because I was in this club before her.

I'm looking forward to all of the possibilities of my 39th year.  Who knows what will happen next.  But as of this moment, I'm hopeful and happy.  I want to hold on to this and believe it and live it and be it.  Fingers crossed!

Wish me luck on all of my new beginnings!!  I wish them to you as well.  :)