Dense & more

I feel like a kid the night before the first day of school.  I'm nervous!  But I'm wired too.  My dress is hung up, jewelry out, purse cleaned out and organized- including a notebook, pens, and Lara Bars.  But I'm nervous.

Tomorrow I am testifying at a hearing in front of the Health Care & Finance Committee at the State House for a bill on breast density notification.  I am giving my story, about my experience. I had 4 mammograms in 16 months which were all clear, including one 10 days before my diagnosis. 

I have dense breast tissue, which shows up white on a mammogram.  So does cancer.  No one told me that dense tissue was a high risk.  No one told me that it could mask cancer. No one told me I could have a clear mammogram and still have breast cancer.  No one told me that there were other diagnostic imaging tests which would have been better able to detect cancer. 

This bill is to educate women and provide them with information necessary to make informed decisions regarding their health.  Its about breast density. 

I'm nervous about testifying.  I typed it out, read it at least 10 times, and continued to work on it.  My testimony is supposed to be 3 minutes long.  HA HA HA!  I read it tonight for the shortest version and that was 4 1/2 minutes.  Granted, reading it in my living room to the dog, sitting on the sofa in yoga pants, and reading it at the state house, at a committee hearing.  I know I talk fast to begin with, but when I'm nervous it is SO much worse.  My problem will be slowing it down enough to be understood! 

Other than that?

The birthday week was fun.  After my birthday dinner with Jim, I had dinner with my mom and the girls in her family on Tuesday... including 2 aunts and 2 cousins.  Thursday night I had dinner with my friend Jen.

Friday I was exhausted after a physical with my PCP but I did make a stop at my office to say hi.  I got the flu shot and I guess I was due for my tetanus shot which now has whooping cough added to it.  It could have been the busy week or the 2 shots, I don't know which, but I was exhausted when I got home. 

I think I was home Friday around 2:45.  I know I was asleep by 3:30.  Jim woke me up when he got home from work at 5 and again at 6 to see if I wanted to get dinner.  He went out without me and I was back to sleep until he got home just before 8pm.  And that night?  I STILL slept another 9 hours!  After a 4+ hour nap! 

On Saturday we took Rocco to a dog park and he had a blast playing at the beach.  Of course it was MUD at the water's edge, so he needed a bath as soon as we got home.  He hates baths!  But he is so clean now. 

Sunday I was out with Jen again and we went to a tour of a chocolate factory.  That was a BLAST.  But again, I got home and slept for a while.

And up to today... I had a bone density test.  And another nap this afternoon.  But I did get my testimony done and ready tonight too. 

Things with Jim and me seem to be going okay as of right now. But he can only take so much, and I'm a raging crazy bitch on Tamoxifen.  INSANE!  Who do you know who cries hysterically because she is crying??  ME!

Last night I walked downstairs to feed the cats.  I forgot to put on a light until I got to the bottom of the stairs.  Well, my feet are in so much pain at the end of the day and stairs suck.  I started crying because I forgot the light and it hurt too much to go back up the stairs to turn on the light.  Then I was crying more because I was crying.  It just sucks.

I think am crying pretty much every single day at this point, and guess what?  That is NORMAL!  URGH!  Normal?  To cry over nothing??  Yup. Wonderful fucking Tamoxifen. 

Tonight I was flipping out when I tried to have a protein shake.  My hands hurt trying to shake the shaker while I was holding down the cover, but the cover wouldn't stay closed without being held.  I started yelling and screaming about it.  And then Jim took the shaker for me and did it. 

Its something every single day.  And it sucks. 

Sometimes its hard when I think about my life a year ago.  And that has been hitting me a bit more lately too.  It was Columbus Day weekend when I found the lump.  That anniversary is fast approaching. 

It hit more tonight when I was writing up my testimony as well.  I'm not who I was a year ago.  She's gone.  I'm no longer that same person.  I can't go back and I can't be that person again.  The innocence of not having cancer is gone.  I'll never be that person again. 

I'm a new me and working on the wonderful phrase, "a new normal", whatever the fuck that is.  But its my life.  And I'm still trying to figure it all out, who I am, what I want and where I'm going.

I miss things from my old life.  I miss friends from my old life who seem to have dropped off the face of the earth.  I still feel left out of things.  Facebook can be hard when I see friends I had all together without me, especially from the people I don't hear from anymore, who tell me that they are busy with this or that.  But not with other friends I guess... just with me. 

It is hard to move on from that, from the hurt and disappointment in people.  I've done my best to let go of the anger I had.  I've even tried to reach out to a few people or respond to others.  It sucks when I hear crickets back.  Disappointing. 

When others are SO encouraging and supportive, its almost like a slap in the face when the people I considered good friends have just disappeared. I try to remember that how people act is about them, who they are and what they are going through in their lives.  It isn't about me.  Its about them.  But that doesn't make the hurt any easier to handle.  Toss in mood swings and outburst and fucking Tamoxifen.... oh yeah, its a FUN fucking ride.

Well, now that its after 11pm and I have to get up early to be out the door around 7:30am... time for me to go to bed!  Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well!!